A/N: Welcome back to my loyal readers and a hearty welcome to new ones!

Once again, we return to the Netherfield Ball. My last short, a one act play (The Propriety Advisor) went over pretty well, and now I'm back to the Dialogue Only style from The Wedding Afternoon and Emma Bee. It's Black Friday here in the US, the day after Thanksgiving and the 'official' start of holiday shopping season, so here's a little present. This one is very short and very fast… sort of a stocking stuffer.

Wade

"Mr. Darcy, might I have a word."

"I am at your disposal, Miss Bennet."

"Sir, I have something to say that should remain private. If you would be kind enough to watch for anyone approaching closely behind me, I shall do the same behind you."

"A reasonable suggestion. How may I help?"

"Actually, Sir. It is the other way around. I wish to help you."

"I am intrigued. Please continue."

"Perhaps… Well… You see Sir, I wish to report a conversation I overheard, a quarter hour past, near the retiring room. I am afraid I do not know the participants. They were on the other side of a wall, and by the time I got around to investigate, they were gone. I do not even know if they were guests or servants."

"Interesting… and what did they say."

"Well, Sir. They spoke with some confidence that there is a plan afoot to compromise you… tonight!"

"COMPROMISE!"

"Please, Sir. Please, lower your voice and try to look less like a startled rabbit."

…

"My apologies, Miss Bennet. A compromise, you say?"

"Yes, Sir. I might not have taken it seriously, but their words also suggested that they seemed very confident in their success, perhaps even using a novel stratagem, though they were very short on details. I could not in good conscience fail to warn you, Sir."

"I thank you, Miss Bennet. May I ask you something?"

"If you must."

"I understand I am asking quite a lot, since you do not know any details, but can you suggest any strategies to avoid the scheme?"

…

"Mr. Darcy, you are well past your twenty-fifth year, yes?"

"I am seven and twenty."

"So, you have been the fox in the hunt for a decade, more or less?"

"Yes."

"And you are unmarried?"

"As you see?"

"Then Sir, I would presume you know all there is to know on the subject, and far more than I possibly could. I see no way my knowledge could compare to yours."

"Ah, but there is the rub, Miss Bennet. If these gossipers are feeling confident of success, they may be well‑aware of the common methods of avoidance; or worse yet they may be aware of my specific strategies. They could have serious countermeasures."

"Such as?"

"I do not know but doubt I have thought of everything. Let me think… Let us see… Is there some chance that the scheme involves a member of the Netherfield household?"

"You would ask me to speculate on such a thing?"

"It is just between you and I, Miss Bennet. I would consider such 'speculation' to be a great favor to me… perhaps a lifesaving boon."

"I believe you overstate my skills, Mr. Darcy."

"I believe you underestimate them, Miss Bennet. Are you willing to, as you say, 'speculate'?"

"Well, Mr. Darcy… If I was a betting person, I would not be averse to even odds that the scheme involves one or more of the parties, but please remember this is a general evaluation… I have no specifics."

"Thank you… that was not so hard, was it?"

"No, Sir. There is nothing hard about it. Several generations of propriety training make it difficult to say such things in your company, but it takes no great discernment to think them, and I would have not the slightest aversion to discussing them among my sisters. I am merely stating the obvious."

"And I thank you for it. Now, let us presume that if it is one of those parties, they may be more familiar with my usual defenses than the average conspirator?"

"That seems reasonable."

"So perhaps, a novel strategy is required. Do I ask too much if I politely ask you if you might suggest something?"

"You wish for me to suggest a way for you to avoid a compromise?"

"Yes, if you have it in your heart to do so."

"It is most irregular, Mr. Darcy."

"Understood. If I ask too much, or you cannot think of anything, then I thank you for the warning and bid you good evening."

"That was underhanded, Sir."

"Desperate times… Miss Bennet."

…

"Very well, Sir. I shall oblige you. Simple plans are best, so here is my suggestion. It is three-quarter moon and a clear night. Get on your horse, ride to London and never come back. You will be gone within the fortnight anyway, so it will solve your problem with a relatively minor change to your itinerary."

"You suggest I run like a coward?"

"Sir, my uncle was a major in the army. He always asserted it was better to be a live coward than a dead hero."

"A wise man, your uncle."

"Yes, Sir. He was. He served honorably for two decades and died peacefully in his sleep."

"I will not disdain that plan, Miss Bennet, but what makes you so certain I will be gone within the fortnight."

"It is fairly obvious that you do not care for the neighborhood, Mr. Darcy. I am once again simply stating the obvious."

"You believe I disdain this neighborhood?"

"Yes, of course, You have yet to dance with a single local lady. You stalk around most gatherings with a look of discontent. You have made no real friends here… and dare I say, you will need to prepare your own estate for the winter and spring soon."

"Those are keen observations, Miss Bennet. I had not realized that was my reputation."

"I presumed you knew and did not care, Mr. Darcy."

"Well, it is obvious I did not care enough, as I was unaware of that general opinion."

"Well, now you know. Good evening, Mr. Darcy. Good luck in your evasion."

"A moment, please, Miss Bennet. Let us say that your knowledge of my status in the region was news to me and I wished to improve my standing by remaining for a time. Can you think of an alternate plan that does not involve me running away like a cur?"

"I did not say that, Mr. Darcy."

"I know, and I apologize for putting words in your mouth. The question remains, though."

…

"Well, Sir. Let me think."

"Thank you, Miss Bennet."

…

"Let us call that suggestion Plan A and see what we can come up with. One moment…"

…

"Perhaps, Sir, Plan B would be to feign illness, or correctly state boredom with the local society. You could retire to your room for the night and lock yourself in with a stout lock, your valet, a dog and a pistol. Then in the morning, continue with Plan A."

"Once again, very good thinking Miss Bennet. You seem to have a good tactical mind, but suppose I try to do something that is even less like a frightened boy."

"Well, let me think."

"Take your time."

…

…

"Well, Sir. Let me suggest Plan C."

"Please continue."

"If you stay for the ball, you will need to dance with the two Bingley sisters. I would suggest you dance the third with Miss Bingley, and after supper with Mrs. Hurst. Convince Miss Bingley to call a quadrille. That way you will be surrounded by only three other couples. I will join your group and will bring Charlotte Lucas and one of my sisters or Louisa Golding into the square. You should then be adequately protected for the length of the dance. Ask my father, Colonel Forster or Mr. Bingley to escort you directly from the dance floor to the card room and back, sticking to you like glue, and then spend the rest of the night playing cards."

"That seems rather unmannerly."

"How so, Sir? You will dance the exact same number of dances as is your usual custom."

"Well, when you put it that way…"

"Do not worry. I can assure you, Sir, that nobody in Hertfordshire will chastise you. In fact, I doubt anyone will even notice. Your actions will exactly mirror both your usual practice, and that of Mr. Hurst… although, in this plan I would recommend you go lighter on the spirits than that gentleman; or better yet, refrain entirely to keep your wits about you."

"That plan has merit, Miss Bennet, and I applaud your good thinking. However, what if I want to dance with someone else?"

…

"You can quit laughing now, Miss Bennet. It was not that funny?"

"I disagree, Sir. It was hilarious."

"Well… I can see your point."

"Let us just continue with this plan, Miss Bennet. Presume I do want to dance with a local lady. Stretch your mind to the possibility."

"Well, if you wish to take your life in your own hands, Mr. Darcy, far be it from me to stop you. If that is your aim, then implement Plan D."

"Go on."

"Gather some men you trust and make sure they stay close to you. I will ask my most trustworthy friends to try to stay close, and you will just have to be on your toes. Tell me the dances you wish to perform, and we will do our best to defend you. Ask your victim… er… partner quietly, and make sure at least one of the ladies I mentioned before is close at all times."

"That is good advice, Madam. Now, what happens after the dance?"

"Ah, you are thinking of the dog and pistol, yes? Perhaps, you might just go sleep in the officer's quarters for the evening. I would suggest Longbourn, but since it has five unmarried females, and it is not completely out of the realm of possibility that the matron of the house is in on the schema, it would be like sending the fox to sleep in the henhouse."

"An apt analogy, though only if you posit a fox as a defenseless creature and a hen as more akin to a wolf."

…

"You can stop laughing, Miss Bennet. It was not that funny."

"Perhaps, Mr. Darcy, but most in the neighborhood would posit that you have no sense of humor at all. It is like the old saying about a dancing bear… or is it a dog or pig?... I digress… The surprising thing is not that it dances poorly, but that it dances at all."

"Ha! Am I to be the bear, the dog or the pig, Miss Bennet."

"By your own analysis, Mr. Darcy, you are the chicken."

"I am confused."

"Most men are… Be that as it may, are your loins sufficiently girded for battle, Mr. Darcy?"

"Not quite, Miss Bennet. These are all excellent plans. I salute you. If you were a man, I would want you leading our troops into battle. However, may I just ask you to stretch yourself just a bit more?"

"I have secured very few dances, Sir. I cannot indulge you all night."

"Just one more moment, if you please."

"Fine… make it quick."

"All of these plans are very good but are there any more stratagems you can think of that are generally useful. Any of these might get me through the night, only to be caught up in the morning or at luncheon."

"You would like more general strategies to help you in the future, correct?"

"Yes. I would like to take advantage of your keen tactical mind, and perhaps even stretch into the strategic."

…

"Well, Sir. I do have one suggestion that seems obvious in hindsight, so I always assumed you would have thought of it already, but perhaps not. Done properly, there is one trick that could make you entirely impervious to such machinations. We shall call it Plan E."

"You believe you have a permanent stratagem?"

"Yes, Sir… but I repeat my warning… It is so obvious any child could see it, so I assume you already have evaluated the possibility and discarded it."

"Please, enlighten me, Miss Bennet."

"It is difficult to describe, Sir. If you want this particular problem solved once and for all, perhaps you would trust me to see to it?"

"I place myself in your hands, Miss Bennet."

"That is a lot of trust, Mr. Darcy."

"You have earned it."

"All right, Sir. I will try… but I warn you, it only has a fifty-fifty chance of success at best, and you will have to be at the very top of your game, ready to move mountains. If it does work though, the rewards will be substantial."

"For such peace of mind, I will do nearly anything."

"All right, Sir. I have a particular confederate in mind who is walking towards us right now. Are you prepared?"

"Fire away, Miss Bennet."

…

"LIZZY, COME OVER HERE…"

"Close your mouth, Mr. Darcy."

…

"Lizzy, Mr. Darcy has a problem that only you can solve. Apparently, there is a compromise effort afoot. Are you willing to help him?"

…

"Do not scowl at me, Miss Lizzy Bennet. Yes or no?"

…

"Still scowling."

…

"Still…"

"Yes, I suppose so."

"Excellent… Here is how it will work. Mr. Darcy is going to apologize to you for calling you not handsome enough to tempt him at the Meryton Assembly. Then he is going to explain whatever there is to explain about Mr. Wickham, but since one man very dishonorably started gossip about another man within less than a day of meeting you, and the other very honorably said nothing despite this provocation. I suspect the verdict will not be in Mr. Wickham's favor once all the facts are out. Then he will carefully explain that he stares at you nearly constantly not to find fault as you surmised, but because of the much more likely explanation that he is a besotted mooncalf. Then, depending on how much nerve he has left, he will either ask for a courtship… No, now is not the time for half‑measures… He will ask for your hand in marriage. Is that about it, Mr. Darcy?"

…

…

…

…

"Close your mouth, Lizzy. You look like a beached fish… You too, Mr. Darcy."

…

…

"Mr. Darcy… Mr. Darcy… MR. DARCY! The floor is yours, Sir. Are you in favor of Plan E?"

…

"Yes, Miss Catherine… as usual, you are absolutely correct. You got most of it, although the apology for that first remark will need to be extensive, and you neglected to mention that I admire and love your sister with all my heart… but I suppose I cannot let you do ALL my talking for me."

"No, I suppose not. Remember, Sir… best effort… mountains."

"Understood, Miss Catherine."

"I believe this frees you from the first dance with Mr. Collins, Lizzy. I shall redirect him to Mary or Charlotte. I believe you two have much to talk about. I will let Mr. Darcy get on with the task at hand and send Papa over in half an hour."

…

…

"Thank you, Miss Catherine. I believe I am your debt for my life."

…

"Oh, you are welcome, Brother. You had best get to it."

"It will be my pleasure."