EXT. PRODUCE STAND
Wayne and Katy sit in their respective chairs outside their produce stand with beers in hand. Daryl and Squirrely Dan are noticeably absent.
KATY
Where are those boys?
WAYNE
Late. What are we payin' them for? Not to be late. Sure as shit.
KATY
We sure as fuck aren't payin' them to be late.
WAYNE
Sure as a bitch loves a bone.
KATY
Sure as the ass-whoopin' a beaker gets as the end of the drive.
They click bottles.
WAYNE
Pitter patter.
KATY
Can't get at 'er if yer late.
Daryl comes running up the lane with Squirrelly Dan shortly behind. They are out of breathe, especially Squirrelly Dan.
KATY (CONT'D)
Get these boys a fuckin' puppers.
WAYNE
You're late.
Daryl takes his seat. He opens the cooler for a beer, but Katy sticks her foot out and slams it shut. Squirrelly Dan pants over to his seat.
DARY
You said: "Get these boys a fuckin' puppers."
KATY
Tell us why you were late first, Dary. Jesus.
WAYNE
Have some respect.
SQUIRRELLY DAN
We're sorry we is late, Miss Katy. We was helpin' the new neighbors. Well, the movin' guys at least.
DARY
You know how McDuffy widows died?
KATY
Like three years ago.
SQUIRRELLY DAN
They was strange ones.
WAYNE
We don't speak ill of the dead. Have some fuckin' respect.
SQUIRRELLY DAN
I mean no disrespects. Two sisters died at age nintey-five at the sames time.
DARY
All McDuffys are twins. Haven't met one who isn't.
KATY
Technically, one died three minutes before the other.
WAYNE
All McDuffy twins are three minutes apart.
SQUIRRELLY DAN
Well, someones in movin' into the house.
WAYNE
Two, I'd imagine.
KATY
McDuffy's are inseparable.
SQUIRRELLY DAN
Parently, Miriam McDuffy had a trusts for her grandkids. Certain rules they has tos follow to get the moneys. Odd ducks the McDuffys.
WAYNE
We don't speak ill of the dead.
DARY
What about ducks?
Wayne pauses, thinking it over.
WAYNE
Well, they're fair game. As long as their alive.
SQUIRRELLY DAN
Wes can't speaks ill of the dead ones?
DARY
I don't think the same rules apply to animals.
WAYNE
What's the point of speakin' 'bout dead ducks? Fuck. They're dead. Ain't nothing to talk about.
KATY
Which set?
DARY
Of ducks?
KATY
Of McDuffy twins.
The boys look to one another, but don't answer. Katy sighs loudly.
KATY (CONT'D)
There's the boys. Strapping. Handsome. Tough.
DARY
Aren't they the woodworkers?
KATY
Sure are. I hope it's them.
WAYNE
Could be the girls too.
SQUIRRELLY DAN
Don't hear much about the girls. Odd ducks.
WAYNE
Live odd ducks.
DARY
Grew up in the city.
KATY
They ain't on social media. That's for sure. The boys though. Mhmm.
Katy moans softly to herself.
DARY
Isn't one of the girls a delinquent?
WAYNE
Better watch your mouth there, Darry. Bad gas travels fast in small towns.
SQUIRRELLY DAN
I heards that too. Went to the juvies. Something bout a fire.
DARY
Lots of work bein' done of the house though.
WAYNE
Shame. Beautiful house.
SQUIRRELLY DAN
The whole basement is bein' done up. Somethin' bout hooks and scarves hangin' from the ceiling.
The group stops and thinks for a moment. Each tilting their head to the right. Eventually, Katy takes her foot off the cooler.
DARY
It could be like a yoga thing. Like sky yoga.
WAYNE
What in the heck is sky yoga?
KATY
Aerial yoga.
SQUIRRELLY DAN
It could also be for sexing.
KATY
Mid-flight toe curl.
DARY
Sky High Rub You Dry
SQUIRRELLY DAN
Feelin' the breeze betweens yous knee
WAYNE
Why would anyone be lookin' to enter the half-a-mile high club in their basement?
DARY
Got an obstacle course to.
KATY
In the basement?
SQUIRRELLY DAN
It's in theirs backyards.
KATY
For humans?
SQUIRRELLY DAN
Nah. Looks likes it's for dogs.
Wayne straightens up at this.
KATY
What do you say, big brother? Willing to take a leap with your seat to give Stormy a good run?
SQUIRRELLY DAN
I says we should be nice to them.
KATY
Why's that?
DARY
They're opening up the old McDuffy pool and this summers 'supposed to bes a hot one.
They all nod and drink.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE DOLLAR STORE - SHORTLY AFTER
The Skids are dancing outside the dollar store. A woman, walks up, mid-twenties, with two german shepards following her. This is Enid McDuffy. The Skids sneer but do not stop dancing. One of the dogs races towards them, barking loudly.
The Skids squawk and yell until the dog is called off.
ENID
Muffy! Heal!
The dog stops instantly and returns to Enid's side. The Skids glare at Enid. Stewart, Roald, and Devon approach while the others hang back.
STEWART
Perhaps you've lost all concept of courtesy, but dogs should be kept on a leash.
DEVON
Bitches should be on a leash.
Roald squawks and the Skids all laugh.
ENID
Sorry. Muffy's still getting used to it 'round her. She's retired. Used to work at an airport. Sniffin' out drugs, you know?
The Skids all hiss.
STEWART
Well, perhaps it's best that you be on your way then. Until Muffy over here learns to behave more... graciously.
ENID
I'm starting to think that Muffy isn't the one who has trouble behaving.
Rolad leans over Stewarts shoulder, much to close to his ear, and loudly whispers.
ROALD
She's not from around here, Stewart. She's new.
STEWART
New, you say? I suppose she doesn't know the rules then. We may just have to teach her.
Stewart spins. Then Devon spins. Finally, Roald spins. They strike a pose.
STEWART (CONT'D)
This is where we dance.
The Skids burst into intense and clunky dance moves. Muffy growls and they stop.
ENID
(sarcastically)
Well, I sure am grateful for the tour. I'm real excited to see you around much more often.
Enid walks away and the dogs follow.
STEWART
Well boys. Let's dance.
Devon lets out a deep howl and the Skids return to their post, dancing.
INT. THE AGRICULTURAL HALL- THE NEXT EVENING
MoDean's is crowded. There is a stage and a karaoke machine set up. Mr. and Mrs. McMurray are doing a sensual rendition of "Sexy Back" by Justin Timberlake.
Wayne, Katy, Squirrelly Dan, and Daryl are sitting at a table, drinking beer. The Skids are snarling at their own table while the hockey players are laughing loudly by the punch bowl.
KATY
I signed up to take an aerial yoga class.
DARY
Told you.
WAYNE
Well, give the man a fuckin' ribbon.
KATY
Lots of people are doing it. Supposed to make you real flexible.
WAYNE
So it's the sister's then?
SQUIRRELLY DAN
Affirmative.
KATY
Sadly.
The McMurray's finish their song and Mr. McMurray carries Mrs. McMurray off-stage while she spanks his rear.
SQUIRRELLY DAN
One of the sister's in some sorts of dog trainer.
WAYNE
(showing no emotion)
You don't say.
SQUIRRELLY DAN
Her dogs gave them Skids quiets a scare the others day. Parently, one of thems used to sniffs for drugs.
DARY
Heard they done near pissed their overalls.
Wayne cracks a smile.
The next song starts to play. The music for "Only Happy When It Rains" by Garbage starts playing. The singer steps up. She has long black hair, a small tight black dress, and more eyeliner than necessary. She is fairly talented, very pale, and completely menacing. This is Agatha McDuffy.
The Skids stop and watch.
ROALD
Is that...?
DEVON
Holy shi-
Stewart holds up his hands and they are silent. He grins.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE AGRICULTURAL HALL - MOMENTS LATER
Wayne steps outside for a smoke. Enid McDuffy is leaning against the wall, standing with an unlit cigarette between her teeth. She is wearing a white sundress, which shows off her tanned skin. Her features are strikingly similar to Agatha's.
Wayne lights his own dart and holds out the lighter to her. Enid smiles and lights the cigarette.
ENID
Aggie still singin' in there?
WAYNE
The girl who looks like you if you rolled out of a coffin?
ENID
That's the one.
WAYNE
Just finishing up, I thinks.
Enid holds out her hand. Wayne shakes it.
ENID
I'm Enid McDuffy.
WAYNE
I'm Wayne. My sister and I run the farm just down the street.
ENID
Ah, the toughest guy in Letterkenny.
WAYNE
That'd be me.
ENID
Well, it's nice to meet you. You got yourself a beauty of a dog.
WAYNE
Gorgeous dog.
ENID
I've got an obstacle course in my backyard. You should take her to run sometime. Smart dogs love obstacle courses and a tired dog is a well-behaved dog. That's what I always say.
Enid finishes her cigarette and stomps it out.
ENID (CONT'D)
Your sister is signed up for Aggie's yoga class drop her off some day and your dog is welcomed to run for as long as she'd like.
Enid returns to the AG Hall. Wayne watches her go.
INT. THE AGRICULTURAL HALL - MEANWHILE
Agatha McDuffy is standing at the drink table, pouring herself some punch. The Skids slide up next to her.
STEWART
Quite the makeover, I must say.
AGATHA
What's that?
STEWART
From this afternoon. You certainly...clean up nice.
DEVON
Or not nice.
STEWART
In a good way. Much more -
ROALD
Edgy?
DEVON
Metal?
STEWART
Bewitching.
DEVON
You left the hounds at home.
Stewart holds up his hand. Devon takes a step back.
STEWART
You left the hounds at home.
AGATHA
You didn't meet me. You met Enid.
The Skids looks perplexed. Roald leans in much too close to Stewart.
ROALD
Is this a role-playing game?
DEVON
Tell her we're willing to play.
STEWART
Silence!
The boys jump back. Agatha rolls her eyes.
AGATHA
My sister. We're twins. McDuffys. You'd know if you met me.
STEWART
I'll say.
AGATHA
I don't need a dog to bark for me.
She eyes the Skids one by one, checking Devon out last.
AGATHA (CONT'D)
Or bite for me.
Agatha abandons her punch and walks away. Roald looks alarmed, eyes darting between Devon and Stewart. Stewart is enraged. Devon smirks and picks up Agatha's abandoned punch cup, before he can take a drink, Stewart knocks it out of his hand.