Fandom: Gravitation
Title: feather by feather.
Pairing: Tohma + Suguru
Description: Tohma and Suguru tell their last goodbyes.

Disclaimer - Gravitation doesn't belong to me.

I want to learn how to fly.
No, you can't learn how to fly.
But I want to learn how to.
Okay, let me tell you what a friend told me.
What?
They told me that if you sang,
then your words could reach anything.
It's the same as flying, see?
Hmm…
You don't believe me?
No, I believe you because I love you.

Okay, then follow me, all right?
I will teach you how to make music
but you'll have to learn for yourself
how to move people.

But all I want is to play for you.

(Didn't you know
I already did that
For you,
My precious one?)

feather by feather.
By miyamoto yui

There was something I always wanted to tell you.

There was something that scraped itself from the bottom of the darkest part of my soul. And it infiltrated to all the hidden doors that led to more mysteries within me. Of course I could not understand it fully for it was familiar and new at the same time.

I found myself standing there as you walked away from me. You glimpsed at me as you walked on and then you held your hands in calm, yet clenched fists. You took a deep breath and walked away with such silence that cut through the heart that I thought I wasn't worthy to carry at this time or at this age.

I had to cut that off a long time ago, didn't I?

The bridge that separated the two buildings felt like a whole eternity even though it was only fifteen feet.
It was amazing how much your mind could fuck up the physical distance to make you think that mentally, you were more than a million miles away from your goal, which seemed to be a moving target that shifted with each step you took towards it.

*/*/*/*/*/

At first, our affection was quiet and tranquil. I would teach you how to play the piano.

You may not remember, but when you were little, you were so wild and free-willed. You did as you wanted without anyone to stop you. I was the only one your parents would trust to handle you.

Do you remember that time when you ran away from home? You took your coat, your money, and a lunch box. You were waiting at the bus stop while rubbing your gloved hands together. Your breath made an imprint in the cold air as your cheeks became more and more white. I watched you as you stood alone.

I ran to you from behind. I never ran for anyone before. I swept you off your feet and held you so close to me. As you shook your head in protest, I calmly told you as my tears went down my cheeks, "Thank you, Kami-sama. I am so happy that you're all right."
"Tohma-san?" You asked in surprise.

You suddenly stopped shouting at me. You didn't want to wring free from me anymore. Your eyes took a glimpse at my face and became concerned. "You're crying, Tohma-san."

"It's because I'm so happy that I've found you." I started to sob and glanced around. I tried to push the tears away.

I forgot how it was to cry until that very moment, did you know? I forgot what it felt like to let go when there was so much being held back.

I shook my head. "Don't you ever do that again, Suguru-kun. Okay?"
"I won't."

I put you down and you turned around. You took off your gloves and you wiped my tears as I knelt to the ground.
"You promise never to do that again?"
"I promise." Then, you stepped forward and kissed my eyes. "Don't cry, Tohma-san."

Then, he began to cry himself. He began to wail for the both of us as I hugged him.

I can't help you. If this family tells you that you have to do something, there's only so far you can go from their grasps. I know that very well. You don't fully understand it with your mind, but your heart is soaking up everything it means. That's why you're crying even though you don't understand.

And I'm crying because if I lose my most precious one…

*/*/*/*/*/

Now, You walk away and I have nothing to say. You were never mine to begin with. I didn't want you to be.

I wanted you to be yourself.

*/*/*/*/*/

He started to fidget as we sat in the reception table. I laughed with Mika, but I had to get up once in a while to go the bathroom. I had to frown in the mirror and tried not to sob in any way, inside or outside.
But the look on Suguru's crestfallen face as he glanced at me was more than I could bear. He learned to smile that certain polite way as people talked to him.

No! Anyone but my precious one!

I don't want you to learn to smile like that…

The one that makes even me scared of myself.

*/*/*/*/*/

"I don't want to live in a world with mirrors," you told me as you sat on your bed.

It was early evening and you didn't want to come down to eat dinner. You didn't feel like eating. In fact, you said that it would make you sick if you touched anything right now.

I leaned against the door with my legs crossed and my face watching the ground. My hands held onto the door for support. I detested the look on your face. I didn't approve of that type of expression on your pretty face.

"You can't possibly mean this. What's with this childishness, Suguru-kun?" I questioned sternly as I lifted up my eyes from the ground to face your profile.

"Because everyone has eyes, they make their judgmental remarks." He turned towards me with confused and perplexed eyes. "I'm only twelve-years-old and I'm already told to think like a thirty-year-old."
He shook his head. "I don't want to know the difference with people! Why am I only allowed to talk to this kind of person and ignore another one? Where did we learn such stupid things?"

He punched his bed softly with his fists. "I'm not like that."

God, this reminds me of Ryuichi…
/I don't give a damn about the conventions of this society, Tohma! I don't let the environment change me. I change my environment!/

Suguru looked at me with his glassy eyes. "I'm not like that."
Tears fell down and he looked as if he were going to break at any moment.

There was nothing I could say. What could I have said to you?

You were right, Suguru. I tried my best to beat this system, but just one person wasn't enough. No one wanted to change, no matter how much you or I tried our best. I wasn't as strong as Ryuichi even though I was the calm one.

Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump!

He grabbed my collar. "Why aren't you saying anything?! I know you get what I'm saying!"
His hands became flat as they pressed on my chest. "You know exactly what's going through my head, but I never know what's going through yours. Why am I being treated like I'm crazy even though it isn't me, Tohma-san?"

I looked down and then I looked to one side. I sighed and then I stared straight into his eyes. "What do you want me to do, Suguru-kun? What can I do?"

And for a moment, my strength had wavered. I wasn't the one who knew everything. I was faking it all along, backed up by careful planning.

My wonderful and beautiful cousin crumbled. His head pressed onto my shoulder. His tears came out in silent waves as I held him as close to me as possible.

"I don't want to dress up anymore. I don't care when they same I'm ugly. I just want to live the way I want, but they won't let me. Help me, Tohma-san!"

He then put his arms around me and my knees gave way. My coat fell in uneven folds. I slowly slipped to the ground as if someone had stabbed me with a knife. I kissed his forehead.

What can I do to save you? I don't even know how to save myself…

I want to keep you the way you are…
I want to keep you as close as you can.

*/*/*/*/*/

"Let him be in this band that I'm sponsoring," I told his parents.

I tried every trick in the book to push what Suguru wanted, but put it in my words. He was so happy, but by then, my little boy was already jaded. It had been a year before I found a way to do anything for him.

As the years went by, Suguru became someone constrained. He was a genius, but his spirit was contained. He was far from the person I took care of. And it wasn't because he was being compared to me.

You were learning to hate me for the things we used to admire about one another.

*/*/*/*/*/

And at that moment, after eating lunch, we were alone in a hallway.

"I am saying goodbye now, Tohma-san. You don't have to look after me anymore. I don't mean anything, right?"
My eyes opened wide as I reached out to him out of impulse. I took his face into mine and kissed him.

I'm sorry, Mika.

Suguru looked at me in shock. "You wouldn't save me."
"I tried, but what else could I have done?"
"For once…" He pushed himself away from me. He stood tall and elegant, far from what I ever appeared to be. "Even in a dream, I wanted you to pick yourself, Tohma. I wanted you to pick me above everything. It's the most selfish thing I've ever asked in my whole life. But as I grew up, I thought I had a chance. I waited and prayed for that chance for the day that you would throw away all your damn principles that they put on you."

He shouted with all of his heart as tears came out. "I want us to go back to the way we used to be! When you taught me music and you used to smile like an angel. Then, you suddenly left me all alone, Tohma!"
Suguru repeated again in a cracked voice. "You left me all alone to fight everything."

"Suguru."

He held up his hand. "Let me finish."

I nodded as I gulped, but it hurt even to just do that.

"You lied to me. You didn't tell me that in order to get everything, I had to sacrifice something that was as equally as important. Give me back my heart! I'm numb and unfeeling. That's why I'll only do synthesizer music. I can't sing anymore. I can't ever say anything with words from now on."

"I did everything I could, Suguru. I'm sorry…" I shook my head. Then, I looked straight into his eyes. "Tell me one thing."
"Yes?"
"Aren't I allowed to make mistakes?"
You looked at me and shrugged your shoulders. "Anyone can. Will you allow yourself to?"

I shook my head as my bangs covered my eyes.

You gently picked up my chin with your finger. "Am I such a bad choice to pick that you would name me a 'mistake'?"

You smiled at me and I hated it. You learned how to be me.

Tap, tap, tap, tap…tap.
He stopped walking. His words echoed,

"I loved you even though you were my cousin. Even though you were a guy. Even though I knew that our family would eat us alive for it. But I never thought for once it would have been a mistake."

Then he laughed. "But the person I love isn't here anymore. He sold out to the same conventions he told me to hate and fight against."

Finally, he walked away.

"No, I'm still here, Suguru," I mumbled desperately as I watched him through the windows when he walked out onto the street. I took a deep breath.

If I helped you, you wouldn't have wanted it. And you wouldn't have learned. I would have protected you all your life if I did. You would have learned exactly to be like me in every single way.

And from the look in your eyes and the anger in your voice, you've hidden the wild little boy you used to be. You're still there, I know. That's why you're still scared and confused.

You may not understand it now, but I did this because I loved you this much. Because I love you above everyone else that's why it hurts so much to be the most unfeeling to you.

You misunderstood. You were never a mistake.

We knew each other too well. Our idiosyncrasies, our mannerisms, our silent looks were only meant to be interpreted by the both of us. I didn't think there was anyone closer than us in the world.

But there was just too much between us. Our feelings were more than we could handle. It was starting to kill us…

I didn't want you to make a mistake and learn to absolutely and totally hate me when it was too late. I could see that we would love one another to death.
But you didn't know yet that the more you loved someone, the more you were vulnerable to break them with your bare hands. The person you wanted to protect the most was the one you were most helpless with. You would come to a point that you couldn't do anything more even if you wanted to.

We came to that point, Suguru, even though you couldn't see it yet.

We were starting to hurt each other for no reason at all…

…wings of dreams
with tints of blood,
tearing off,
feather by feather.

Owari. / The End.

Author's note: A Korean song inspired this. Don't know the artist or the name of the song. My roommate gave it to me and it's one of the saddest things I've ever felt even though I can't understand a damn thing. ;_; God, I'm going to cry again even though I don't literally understand!
I'm sorry it's so melodramatic. * wince * It just came out that way. Short, hurtful, and to the point. I think I got all my goals done.

This is a weird angle on their relationship, but I wanted something new. It wasn't self-sacrificing or perfect. I believe it was realistic.

Yui

December 16, 2004, 8:48 PM