"The more the universe appears comprehensible, the more it also appears pointless."- Steven Weinberg

Prologue

Numb, she felt numb. Her phone vibrating in the pockets of her denim jeans.

Shut up, I have nothing to say to all of you!

She wanted to scream. She wanted to hit something, anything. But her emotions were trapped in the swirling mess that was her head.

How long must I feel this way?

It had been years. Countless therapies, pills, and medicines that wouldn't work. She was sick of smiling, she was sick of acting like everything was fine. She was tired of trying so hard to appear normal. So, she had planned. The date fixed, she got her stuff in order. It was supposed to be simple, walk to the edge and jump. There was no need for a note, no need to start any drama. It would be easy, no complicated mess, she would disappear and become nothing. She wanted the silence to engulf her, she wanted the pain to stop. She did not want to feel anything.

Her first order of business was to give away whatever she had. Transferring the funds she had saved up over the years from her job to her parents. Then giving away her books and gaming consoles to her friends. If she actually had any.

"You sure you don't need this anymore?" Jasper had asked, her lips lighting up in delight when Lapis handed her the PS4.

"Sure, I'm bored of it," Lapis lied, chuckling at the girl's excitement, "Anyway been planning to get the switch so you can have this."

"Really! Sweet!" Jasper exclaimed. Her unruly hair bouncing as she jumped towards the console that Lapis held. Her childhood friend missing the signs and cues as she took the game disks from her. This was her last gift to Jasper…she was glad she liked it.

Lapis felt the weight in her chest lighten. She had a purpose now, she knew what she had to do. Her mood lifted quite considerably and she found herself enjoying what she thought was going to be the last days on Earth.

It was ironic how the prospect of death could make her feel so alive.

The day came quickly and Lapis took to the infamous bridge. She had heard about it on the internet. Made the trip many times, first on foot, other times by bus. She had memorized the spot, calculated the distance. She did not want to fail, she had to succeed.

There she lingered at the old rickety red bridge for an hour. The water below it calm and tranquil, looking somewhat inviting. Lapis walked the length, counting the steps passing by a sign that made her smirk.

Think of your loved ones. There is still hope.

She was thinking of them. They told her they loved her. They told her they needed her. But they did not know this darkness. They did not know this emptiness. They did not know this anger. They did not share her pain. They loved her, and she loved them, so she chose this.

I cannot be a burden. Not now, not ever.

How can it be selfish when all she wanted was to help them.

The cold winter winds rushed past making the leaves of the pine forest below rustle. It was time and she walked towards the spot. A smile breaking out and with determined ease swung her legs over the railing. The skies were overcast with gray clouds. It was going to snow soon. The lake would freeze overnight. Her body would rest at the bottom, never to be found. She had planned for this and she would see it through.

Closing her eyes, she took a breath. The air was clean and she sighed. She did not hesitate, she took a step forward.

Chapter 1

Sinking Rocks and Lonely Gems

Peridot was used to night shifts and she rather enjoyed it. Adorn in her black uniform and brown leather apron, Peridot leaned back into the counters taking a sip of hot chocolate that she had prepared earlier. It was a quiet night just the way she liked it. She had finished cleaning an hour ago, the mop and pail strewn lazily aside. Stocks would be arriving late at night and she had a few more hours to kill.

Pulling out her laptop she began working on the college essay, grimacing at the bad half-finished report that her groupmates had handed in.

"Fucking bastards," she muttered, pressing the delete button viciously. She hadn't the time or energy to chase after them and she would slog on it tonight. Unlike her groupmates, Peridot actually cared about her grades.

Her phone buzzed in her pockets and she pulled it out.

A-hole: Yo, yo, yo, how you doing Peri.

Peridot rolled her eyes, choosing to ignore the message her best friend Amethyst sent. A dozen and one spam messages later, Peridot was almost done with the report. She checked her phone again and choked.

Magnes: What the FUCK!

There on her message feed were pictures of naked women.

A-hole: and she finally speaks. How ya doing nerd?

Magnes: Oh my god, you sent hundreds. WTF. Not cool Amy.

A-hole: Maybe not ignoring me would be great

Magnes: Shut up Amy. Don't you have an essay to finish? Aren't you sick of sending in spam!

There was another picture of a rather good looking woman with short black hair. There were tattoos scattered around her naked body, a playful smirk on her pretty face and Peridot blushed.

A-hole: I found your type. Want her name?

Magnes: I'm going to kill you.

A-hole: Awww... Somebody is in a touchy mood. What happened? Drunkards? Rude customers?

Magnes: You just sent me porn and expect me to be fine with it. What if Pearl sees this!

A-hole: That girl needs to lighten up. She can be such a prude.

Magnes: I'll show these to her you clod.

A-hole: You planning to start a house fire, Peri?

Magnes: I wasn't the one who started it!

Peridot sighed. As much as she loved Amethyst as a best friend, the girl was sometimes too much. She glanced at the pictures Amethyst sent her and blushed at a rather risky one. "Stupid...arse…" she cursed, deleting the image from her phone vehemently. She was about to delete the next one when she heard a crash. The bin outside had fallen over and Peridot groaned.

Who was the fucking drunkard this time? She just cleaned it. Peridot slotted her phone into her pockets before making her way to the noise. Cold air greeted her when she stepped out. The street lamp beside her flickered for a moment. The skies above her covered in dark forbidding clouds. Autumn was ending soon, red and yellow leaves from the maple trees around her littered the ground. The pavement covered in a thin frost sheet, shining a little silver. Peridot shivered from the cold, wishing she had brought along her outerwear.

"Hey Pops!" she called out to the figure that had tripped over the cans. "Care to drink somewhere else?"

If Pearl found out she's been talking to drunkards in the dead of night, she'll have a meltdown. Just thinking about it made Peridot wince.

The street light above flickered and she found herself looking at deep blue eyes. There before her stood a tall, slightly lanky girl. Her short hair dyed blue, tattoos ran down the right side of her neck, hidden by the hood of the black sweater she had on. Blue denim jeans wrapped nicely around her slender figure. Peridot gulped, there standing before her was a beautiful girl.

"Sorry," the girl replied, her voice kinda mellow. "I couldn't see very well."

She bent over to pick up the trash can, putting it upright.

"Is this in the correct position?" she asked and frowned when Peridot failed to answer. You stupid dork, say something!

"Y...yeah...it's fine." Peridot stuttered and mentally made a note to kill herself later. She blushed as the girl approached her. Peridot couldn't help but stare at the girl's luscious lips, involuntarily licking her own.

"Hey?" the girl popped into her view and Peridot yelped, jumping back. "Do you sell cigarettes?"

It was then that Peridot noticed that the girl had been speaking to her. She had been gaping like a goldfish and she hadn't even realized. Slightly annoyed with herself, Peridot nodded, pointing to the packets lined behind the counter.

"We have quite a few. I'll need to see an ID though," she said, reciting her usual customer service monologue and the girl reached into her pockets pulling out a leather wallet.

"Anything is fine. The cheapest would be nice."

They proceeded back to the store and the girl leaned on the counter. It was the first time Peridot got a proper look at this new intriguing stranger. The girl showed her an ID briefly and Peridot missed her name. She's 20...my age though. She handed the girl the cigarettes and watched as she sauntered out of the store, lighting the stick with practiced ease.

Her back hunched, a glassy look in her expression as she blew smoke into the cold air. The girl looked thoroughly exhausted and for some reason, Peridot couldn't leave it. Something was nagging at her. What was a girl doing out here...alone?

Reaching for the empty cups, Peridot made a decision. She filled the cup up with dispensable coffee and walked towards the girl, wincing as the cold winds bit into her skin when she exited the store. "Here, it's on the house," she said as the girl raised an eyebrow at the cup held out to her.

"Why?"

Peridot grew flustered and pushed the cup forward. "Just service, take it, you seem cold."

"It's not drugged right?"

"What-no!" Peridot spluttered, "I wouldn't da-" She paused when she caught the smirk on the girl's lips.

"Ok, I'm starting to get offended here." Peridot sulked and the girl sniggered, snorting a little, it was kind of cute. Peridot relaxed as the girl took the cup from her. "Thanks," she whispered. The girl took a sip and stuck out her tongue.

"I think I might have burnt it," she muttered and Peridot chuckled.

"You drank it too fast, relax, it's not going anywhere."

"It tastes really bad."

"It's convenience store coffee, what do you expect?"

"Don't know, maybe something the hippies are raving about...Civet cat poop beans?"

"You have got to be joking." Peridot gaped and the girl shrugged. "Hey, it's all about the Poop nowadays...or stuff made in China."

"Well…" Peridot pointed at the blouse she was wearing, pulling out the tag. "China makes good shirts."

"Not you too." the girl smirked, turning her sleeves up showing a 'Made in China' tag on the underside. "I feel like I'm being Colonized." she joked.

"Hey, we did it first. I guess its revenge of the Siths I guess."

"Revenge of the...my god, your a nerd too."

"What's wrong with being a nerd?" Peridot pouted and the girl smiled.

"Holding it up like a badge of honor?" she teased and Peridot frowned. "Nerds are cool now!"

"Really? I'm pretty sure most of the general population would agree with you." the girl taunted and Peridot stood up about to give the girl a piece of her mind when she spotted the watch the girl was wearing.

The girl had intentionally pulled her sleeves up to expose the little trinket and Peridot was immediately amazed. "Is...is that a…"

"Limited edition BB8 watch?" the girl continued.

"Where in heaven's name did you get that?"

"Comic-con, it was a pain to get though."

"How? When? What?! Expose your secrets woman!"

"Ok, ok cool your boner, sheeze," the girl chuckled and then they talked. Peridot pointing out her favorite games and watching in glee as the girl nodded in agreement. "I don't like the latest assassin's Creed though." the girl would interject sometimes and Peridot would launch into her lectures. It was a funny feeling to have someone listen to her monologues. She was used to people walking away, used to the unfriendly glares she would receive when she got too passionate. Even Amethyst would tell her to shut up, but this girl...this girl was staying. She was actually listening patiently.

A feeling of warmth bloomed in Peridot's chest and she continued. Soon, it was dawn and the girl yawned.

"Welp, that's my cue to shut up," Peridot replied, grinning slightly as the girl smiled sheepishly. There was a faraway look in her blue azure eyes like she wasn't quite there.

"Nah, it's fine. I enjoyed your little rant."

"It was a lecture actually," Peridot muttered and the girl smiled.

"Cheers to a passionate nerd,' the girl replied and Peridot gasped as the girl took the watch off, giving it to her.

"For the coffee."

"What- I can't possibly…"

"I insist," the girl whispered, pushing the watch into her hands. Peridot gaped at the sudden luck and she stood up in joy admiring the new item she had acquired. "What can I say...thank you?" she exclaims.

She puts the watch on and did a robot pose she had learned a few months back.

"Cool huh?" the girl teased and Peridot spluttered in embarrassment. The girl stood up, throwing the empty coffee cup into the bin and stubbing the cigarette on the sidewalk.

"Nice meeting you Peridot." the girl whispered. Before Peridot could respond the girl was walking away.

"Wait how did you know my name!?"

The girl turned, smiling mysteriously. "Figure it out yourself smartass."

Still stunned from the encounter, Peridot slowly waved at the girl slowly disappeared from view. It was a while later as she was cleaning the racks did she realize that she just had a full voluntary conversation with a stranger...that she had just met.

It had been so natural and they talked like they had known each other for years. Peridot had no idea what had possessed her to do so but she had made the first move, something she never did before. It had been years since she felt this good about herself and she hummed a little tune. Peridot felt the BB8 watch on her wrist and smiled, happiness blooming in her chest.

What was her name?

The sudden fleeting thought popped into her mind and she groaned inwardly.

Peridot, you stupid dork, you forgot to ask for her name...and her number!?

Regret hit her almost immediately and for hours after that, she would think about the girl. And then she would wonder…

Why did she seem so sad?

Huddled by the edge she stood, a cigarette stick dangling in her lips. She drew in the rancid smoke and breathed out watching as it mingled with the frosty air. The overhanging grey clouds holding no comfort.

Lapis's gaze drifted to the dark waters swirling roughly below her and she smirked slightly. She had failed again. After weeks of coming and examining the red rickety old bridge, she had chickened out once more.

A wind blew past, the harsh cold biting into her skin. She winced reaching into her pockets to pull out another stick and cursed. The cigarette packet was empty. Lapis could feel the voices starting up again and she crushed the packet in her hands, momentarily brushing against the vibrating smartphone in her pockets. Ignoring it, she made her way slowly off the bridge, she'll be back again. She was sure of it.

It had started with an internet search. Top ten places to kill yourself, typed into the search bar. If Mae and Pai knew about this, they would be horrified. Just thinking about their reaction made the lump in Lapis's throat tightened.

They'll be better off without you anyway.

The voices looming and whispering constantly in her ears becoming louder.

The bridge was the fifth on the list. A hundred and eighty suicide cases with a 100 percent success rate. The cold freezing water coupled with the height of the bridge made for an excellent kill spot. Lapis had been drawn to the pictures, then to the documentary done on it. They called it the Devil's bridge, built by one Clement Walters in the 1950s. It was meant to be a link bridge between the old abandoned mining town up north and Beach City. Then the mines died and Clement took his life at the same bridge he built. It was ironic and at the same time slightly funny. She had shared this information once in a drunkard stupor with an older girl she had hooked up with at a party after the band's live gig.

"That's fucked up," the woman had whispered. "You're fucked up."

The woman's name she had forgotten, their encounter a fling. Lapis just needed somebody to hold that night and she did. It had been her first time and the woman was insufferable. Lapis allowed it to happen, she wanted to be hurt. And it hurt. Morning came and Lapis found herself standing over the naked woman. Her head throbbing from the drinks, her chest clenching tightly, she couldn't breathe and she left. The woman's words ringing in her head.

You're fucked up.

The memories of that night stopped when she found herself tripping over a bin and falling to the ground.

Blonde slightly oddly shaped hair, tanned freckled cheeks, and innocent green eyes greeted her. She was a head shorter than Lapis and there was a frown on her lips. Her spectacles gleaming under the street light. Lapis caught sight of the employee tag. Peridot Costa . The girl's blonde and green appearance suited her gem name well.

It started off pretty normal. Lapis asking for some cigarettes and the girl clumsily serving her. Lapis watched amused as the girl maneuvered a stool to reach some of the cheaper cigarette packs on the walls behind the counter. After making payment, Lapis had sauntered outside, smoking the stick.

Then the cup of coffee was shoved towards her. You seem cold. The girl had stated, eyes as green as emeralds staring into hers. Lapis suddenly felt warm and it wasn't because of the coffee.

Now here she was seated beside this strange girl who was ranting about the newest games that Lapis had played too. It was rare to find a girl who shared a love for games and she found herself joining in the conversation.

"How can you like Dead Space One more than Two?" Peridot exclaimed. "The controls for Two were much better, you could run while reloading the gun! And don't get me started on the horror aspects."

"Well, Issac didn't talk in One," Lapis answered cheekily and she watched as Peridot gaped. The girl wore her feelings on her sleeves. She was like an open book and was rather frank with her opinions, something Lapis appreciated. Peridot was unlike the other girls who had approached her, all who seemed to have some sort of hidden agenda. Either to hook up or to flirt, to use her for their means. Peridot was just there, an enigma of some sort.

"Noooooo…" Peridot exclaimed at her answer and Lapis chuckled. "How about Three, you better not like three!"

"That is something we can both agree on."

"Norton," they said at the same time and they glanced at each other. "Don't tell me, let me guess," Peridot started, "You stomped on his body a few hundred times?"

"Nah," Lapis answered and chuckled at the disbelief in Peridot's expression.

"You didn't? Not once? Unbelievable."

"I shot him a few times, used stasis to freeze his body and launched his head down the cliff." Lapis continued, "Stomping a little too overrated."

"Now that's more like it."

"If I could do the same for the girlfriend I would."

"Hmm...wouldn't blame you. She was a bitch."

"Really, you seemed to like her when you were talking about Two."

"That was different, she was different!" Peridot muttered.

Time seemed to pass quickly as Peridot talked. The girl was passionate often ranting about the things she likes and the more Lapis listened, the more she felt the lump in her throat disappearing. The voices that had threatened to overwhelm her vanished. It was a strange feeling. Peridot was a stranger, somebody she barely even knew and yet...she felt like she knew the girl for ages.

Lapis did not want this conversation to end, she wanted it to go on forever. She wanted to stay here bathed in the fluorescent light of the convenience store, listening to a girl she met only a couple of hours before.

But it was not to be, her phone was vibrating violently in her pockets. This time it was not stopping. It was time to go and Lapis felt a pang of sadness that physically hurt. She watched as Peridot stood up and she sighed, a wry smile lingering on her lips.

It was not to be. If anything, this had been a dream and if it was; it was time to wake up. She took out the watch that she had shown Peridot earlier.

What are you doing?

It wasn't hers, it had been a momento, something of hers. It was precious but somehow, Lapis wanted Peridot to have it. As she watched the girl's light up in pure unbridled joy Lapis felt the urge disappearing slightly.

Then she knew, it was dangerous to hang around Peridot. She had to leave, her resolve was breaking. Leave, you're going to ruin her. Leave now!

And she did, walking quickly away from the girl waving her goodbyes at her. She shuts her eyes trying to keep the pain in. She made her way towards the bus stop and sunk into the seats pulling out her vibrating phone.

She flipped it open and found herself staring at thousands of frantic messages. Some from her parents, mostly from Jasper, Bismuth, and Rose.

Jasper: You better not be going what I think you're doing.

Jasper: Lapis answer your damn fucking phone! We have a gig today, or did you forget that.

Jasper: Lapis, Lisa called did you break up with her. What the fuck, Lapis it's only been a day! I'm not dealing with this shit. Answer your phone.

Jasper: that's it, I'm calling your parents.

Rose: LL we're worried, pls contact us. Where are you? LL?

Bismuth: Lappy, Jasper is melting down. She's going apeshit crazy. You better get your arse down here. I'm worried too.

Lapis winced at the messages and sighed. She punched in the number and almost immediately heard Jasper's rough and desperate voice coming through.

"You better have a good explanation!" the girl practically screamed into the receiver.

"Hey," Lapis greeted casually, it had been the wrong reply and there was silence on the other end.

"Rose, Rose Quartz, you deal with her. I can't, fuck this!" Jasper shouted over the phone. A little while later, Rose Quartz, lithe but firm voice came through the receiver.

"LL, you there?" she asked cautiously and Lapis had to hold back a sigh.

"I'm fine Rose, why are you guys making such a big deal out of this. I'm twenty, not eight. I'll be back soon. I just needed some time to cool off...with Lisa. It's not a big deal. I broke off with her, we're not going to last."

"LL, that's not it. You know why we're worried."

There was an uncomfortable pause and Lapis fiddled with the helm of her sweater. "The last time...you disappeared...you…" Rose spoke quietly, the worry evident in her voice.

"Fucking cut yourself, ended up in a hospital in god knows where!" Jasper cut through, snatching the phone back and Lapis groaned. She heard Bismuth trying to calm the girl down but to no avail. "That was five years ago Jasper, I'm fine now."

"Aye, you better be. Your parents are going crazy. Give them a call why don't you. Stop giving us shit Lapis, you said so yourself, you're twenty not eight, act like one!"

The call ended and Lapis closed the phone. The pressure in her chest expanding, she clenched her fists over the device. For a moment, she thought of the bridge, she thought of how easy it was to just end it all now. But then she thought of her parents, of Jasper, Rose, and Bismuth, of their messages...she couldn't do it...not now. She had a plan to follow.

You cannot make them suffer.

"Minimal casualties, Lapis," she whispered to herself.

The bus arrived and Lapis got on. There was a year more to go, she still had time. And as the bus made its way down the rough roads towards the main city, Lapis thought of Peridot. The longing to see the girl again was strong and it astounded her.

"You only care about yourself you fucking prick!"

Lisa's voice ringing through. Lapis closed her eyes, sinking back into the seats. She will not. Lapis knew what she was...poison. She will not hurt anybody ever again. There was a plan and she would stick to it.

"Minimal casualties."

I also posted this on AA03 net. To be honest, I've already completed it, but I couldn't bring myself to post it. But after much convincing...from my friend, I've decided to do it. So here it is, a mess of a story born out in the dead of night. I hope you enjoy it. Sorry about the awkward writing...I have a long way to go.

Also references (Great Games deserve mentions):
Dead Space 1
Dead Space 2
Dead Space 3
Assassins Creed
Star Wars