Back with a Bungou Stray Dogs fic because I've been very obsessed with it! I'm still obsessed even though it's been a month. More BSD fics will come in the future, as I have many ideas.

Spoilers for seasons one to three of the anime.

It was another pleasant morning at the Agency. All the members were present, though they mostly sat around bored and eating snacks. Or they were lying on the sofa humming. There were no clients and Ranpo could not find a single interesting case in the newspapers, so the members all resigned themselves to a day of boredom.

Atsushi, meanwhile, could not stop thinking about Akutagawa. No, he wasn't in love or anything, he just wanted to know more about the mysterious Mafia member.

After a few minutes of awkward silence that was only disturbed by the loud humming from the room over, Atsushi finally gathered the courage to speak up.

"Umm," he began nervously. He was right to be nervous, because as soon as he said that, the Agency turned to look at him so fast they must have gotten whiplash. Ranpo was still casually eating another bag of chips, while Dazai was still in a recumbent position on the sofa, though Atsushi could sense that Ranpo was slightly paying attention to something other than the tasty snacks.

"S-so," Atsushi continued. "Um, Kyouka-chan?"

"Yes?" Kyouka asked softly, as usual. The rest of the Agency seemed to be wondering why Atsushi was asking Kyouka of all people - and no, Atsushi wasn't interested in Kyouka either!

"Er, do you remember anything from your time with the Port Mafia?"

"I was only joined for six months. I killed thirty-five people in those six months," Kyouka said sadly.

"Hey, brat, why are you asking anyway? Can't you see it's a sore subject for her?" Kunikida interjected.

Atsushi waved his arms wildly. "No no no! I didn't mean that! I just thought that we could learn more about the Port Mafia if we asked a former member. In case we fight them again in the future!" He tried to explain.

"Well," Kyouka began. "I mostly stayed locked up in a cell…"

"What?" "How could they do that?" "You're only fourteen!" "How cruel the Port Mafia are!" Came various interjections from the Agency members. Naomi and Haruno hugged each other while sobbing like crazy. "WAHHHHHHH Poor Kyouka-chan!" Then they nearly squeezed Kyouka to death.

"...and the only Mafia members I really saw were Kouyou-san, the guards, and Akutagawa-san," Kyouka continued, ignoring their outbursts and trying to ignore the fact that she was slowly being deprived of oxygen.

"Er, can you tell us about Akutagawa?" Atsushi asked as he tried to pry Naomi off of Kyouka. "He's one of the most dangerous Mafia members, after all, and I still don't understand him."

"Hmm," Kyouka thought about it for a moment. "He used to pace outside my cell a lot."

"Did he?" Atsushi attempted to imagine a pacing Akutagawa. It was a strange thought because Akutagawa usually behaved like a statue, all cold and stiff and unmoving and completely expressionless. Well, he was a statue until Dazai-san was mentioned.

"Yes," Kyouka affirmed, before resuming a cute thinking pose. "Akutagawa-san paced outside my cell muttering something about a list."

"A list?" Kunikida wondered. "Is he into ideals as well?"

"From what I heard, this list was called Ways to Please Dazai-san."

"EHHHHH?" the Agency members all exclaimed as one. They simultaneously turned to the Dazai who was on the couch, singing about suicide, and kicking his legs like a little kid. Collectively, they thought: It can't be him. It must be another Dazai. That is a popular last name, right?

"Then he was talking to someone else about what they were going to do when they saw said Dazai," Kyouka continued, oblivious to the Agency members' thoughts. Of course, she wasn't a mind reader, so it's not like she could have known… Meanwhile, Atsushi kept glancing back at Dazai and then at Kyouka.

"Huh, what did they say?" Atsushi asked.

"This might give us more insight into how the Mafia thinks!" Kenji exclaimed excitedly. The rest of the Agency members nodded.

"Well, Akutagawa-san said he would capture the enemy for torture and interrogation instead of killing."

"Oh, so he's improved?" Atsushi questioned. "Last time I met him, he was very desperate to kill me for some reason."

"...I think that's just you," Kyouka said. "He said he'd like to visit the Agency on a nice, peaceful morning to murder you."

"WHAT?" Atsushi exclaimed. "But didn't he say he would capture instead of kill?"

"He made an exception for you."

"Aww," Atsushi groaned. "So? What did the other guy say? Who was the other guy anyway?"

"I actually don't know, and it was quite dark, down in the dungeon-"

"You never mentioned a dungeon!" "A dungeon? How cruel!" "This is child abuse!"
Naomi and Haruno squished Kyouka again as they did a nice, big, hug. "WAHHHHHH! Kyouka-chan!" They continued sobbing for a good three minutes.

"-but the other person was definitely shorter than Akutagawa-san. He also had reddish hair, I think," Kyouka once again ignored Naomi and Haruno. Tanizaki struggled to pry his sister off of Kyouka, while Atsushi attempted to pull Haruno away.

"Together, they decided to visit the Agency together and extract revenge on certain people. I think the red-haired one particularly hated Dazai-san for some reason."

Atsushi sadly thought about his fate of getting attacked by an angry Akutagawa before he suddenly froze. He only knew one person with red hair, and that person was …

"H-hey…" he mumbled. "This red-haired person, it can't be… Chuuya-san, can it?"

"Actually, that seems quite like-" Kyouka was cut off when they heard an angry scream from outside the window, which sounded like it was getting louder and closer… half a second later, the window broke and two glowing red people landed in the middle of the office, creating a giant cloud of dust and breaking several pieces of furniture.

"DAZAI!" one of them screamed. Clearly he was the one who screamed earlier.

"JINKO!" the other yelled. Atsushi gulped when he heard that voice. There was no mistaking it… it was Akutagawa. Atsushi sighed as he resigned himself to his fate.

"I can't kill you in front of Dazai-san," Akutagawa muttered worriedly. "I have to kill you outside and bring your head to him as a Christmas present!" Atsushi felt Rashoumon grabbing him before he was hurled out the window.

"AHHHH!" Atsushi screamed as he plummeted face-first toward the street below. Was this how Dazai felt when he jumped of buildings? "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Meanwhile, back inside the Agency:

"Oh! It's Chibi!" Dazai sat up, having looked towards the window when he heard that all-too-familiar scream.

"Dazai! You stole my wine again!" said Chibi grumbled. A few Agency members were worried when they noticed it was Chuuya Nakahara, Port Mafia Executive and gravity manipulator extraordinaire.

"Dazai, is that-" Kunikida was cut off by an excited Kenji.

"Hey! It's the hat man! I like your hat!" Kenji waved, completely disregarding the fact that there was a very important enemy standing in front of him.

"See, Dazai? At least someone here appreciates my fashion sense," the supposedly scary mafia crossed his arms and gave Dazai a "see, I told you" look.

"Not everyone enjoys those stupid tacky hats!" Dazai whined. He was supposed to be twenty-two, but apparently he was still a moody teenager inside.

Atsushi managed to activate his Ability at the last second, and fortunately did not land on any civilians. Akutagawa jumped out the window as well, landing more gracefully (because he wasn't the one who got thrown out). Atsushi ran as fast as he could up the stairs to the Agency, with Akutagawa chasing him all the way. Atsushi barely made it in and barreled past the Agency members and… back out the window. On his way through, he heard some conversation due to his Ability.

"HAH?" Chuuya growled. "Give me my wine and I won't kick you out the window."

Please don't kick him out the window, not now, not when I'm here, Atsushi pleaded to the tiger inside him.

"But Chuuya~!" Dazai sounded very petulant. Sometimes Atsushi wondered if Dazai actually was four years older than he was.

"NOW!"

Atsushi somehow saw Dazai reach into his pocket, pull out a card, and give it to Chuuya, who read the letter.

"Hmm… An invitation to the best bar in Yokohama as an apology?" Atsushi heard Chuuya say, faintly, as he was already halfway out the window. "You still owe me a car though…"

Then Atsushi sailed across the street and leaped off the building back into the Agency. Akutagawa was no longer chasing him and had apparently decided to talk to Chuuya. Atsushi quietly snuck back inside.

"Dazai-san," Akutagawa was saying. "I have successfully captured and tortured 657 people since you left. Chuuya-san has also been teaching me how to spar against you, so I hope we will meet again in the future. Then I will earn Dazai-san's respect!" Akutagawa bowed before jumping out the window. He's obviously picked up bad habits from his mentor.

"Get me a car- a good car, not the one you've crashed two thousand times, and maybe I'll forgive you," Chuuya said before he followed Akutagawa, leaving a stunned Agency.

"So, you are that Dazai-san…" Kunikida looked so pale he looked like a vampire who was about to fall over at any second.

"Mhmm!" Dazai smiled cheerfully. "Now, I've got to go meet Chuuya, so see you later!" And he ditched them, leaving them in shock.

"We're definitely questioning him after this."

Caralinguiel
November 12, 2019