Fandom: Pet Shop of Horrors
Title: Xiang nai er
Pairing: count + orcot
Rating: pg
Description: The Count sells what he himself thinks he cannot have…

Disclaimer: Pet Shop of Horrors isn't mine.

In the darkness, there are many possibilities. A dream that has yet to be realized is in the shadows of people's hearts within their condemning self-centeredness or growing self-sacrifice. Yet, are there really dreams and love in tangible form? Does this guarantee happiness?

Humans are delicate creatures. They hold their hearts out thinking that's enough of a fee.

Why do they take so many things for granted?

Xiang nai er.
By miyamoto yui

"Thank you so much~!" a girl says as she takes a goldfish away in a large bowl.

Quietly, I close my eyes to enjoy my tea. Today, I do not want to talk to anybody. Then, I pour a glass of water for myself. I fill it only halfway.

I gaze at it in fascination. In such simple things, deep thoughts are created.

We've got to stop looking at things from the half empty glass of what we lack. I'm sick of it all. I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself because I can't have what I want. And you know what it all boils down to?

I've caused my own unhappiness.

That is why there is such a thing as free will and also something called choice. There is no such option as "I have no choice". It is like silence to an unanswerable question of who do you care for the most in the world or what would you save in a life and death situation.

Those that answer in this fashion impose such blame on others for their own misfortunes. This "I have no choice" mentality is nothing but another escape route to run away from the focal point of the matter at hand.
And even though this is an obvious fact or opinion, depending on your perspective, it doesn't stop the mind from battling with the heart. An inner war ensues and though the scale differs from person to person, I believe this is a simplified explanation as to why people persist to do what they do, whether or not it abides by their principles.

Is that what truly initiates people to take action? Is it only when they are faced with a decision that can no longer be overlooked?

There are many that think in bits of strategies, even if they come to their limits and can only think as far as the decisions they've already made. For how can you predict or make a conclusion to something you've never thought about? Absurd, yet true, isn't it?

I want to be happy.

Many people say this and many still do not understand it. Every happiness is different because each person is one-of-a-kind. Therefore those store-bought ideas aren't relevant when coming into terms with the human heart, a map ventured yet never, ever truly conquered. There are few who think they've got it, but are they only satisfied with their current situation or are they truly at that point that everything's the way they've conceived it to be?

As always, it is differs from individual to individual.

I guess I'm trying my best to sort through the confusion that I've found myself in these days. Even though I'm honored by how many people come to me with their problems, I wonder how many have stopped to think if I had anything on my mind too. Even though it is selfish and unreasonable to say that everyone's been this way, I think that showing that you are strong sometimes backfires. Sometimes, you just want to take a step back and have someone catch you when you fall.

But what if there is no one?
Is it your fault for not letting one try to get to know and understand you? Or is the fact that the environment you're in doesn't call for people of this sort, the type you can trust in?
And so, you must pick yourself up and dust off the little pains that attach themselves to your skin. But what can you learn from being alone?

Many things, of course.

And on the reverse, there are even more things that you cannot realize alone. You need other people to get you through your grins of satisfaction, or through your gritting teeth while experiencing inflictions.

Bear it. Accept it. Move on.
Simple in concept. Difficult in execution.

But I am only human, or so I think I am. I'm only one person. I love too much and look where it's gotten me.

I pursue a lonely fight of becoming more than human. Yet, I'm still only one person trying to understand myself. I care too much and look how much it's given me.

I'm foolish, though, to think that I am alone in my thinking. I'm stupid to think that I'm the only one going through a particular situation when there are many like me. And yet, it's amazing to feel like you're the only one.

Totally, utterly alone.

People want answers. Some look through others. Many seek them with their own abilities. There are those who will tell you many things but don't have an ounce of integrity. Those that know cannot even say a word because of the impact of their compassion.

I don't want to feel anymore. Take it all away now. I want to go away sometimes and forget all my responsibilities.

I am not what everything that people think I am. When you strip away the mismatched-eyes, the all-knowing smirk, and the luxurious wardrobe, I'm no different than the person you bump on the street. I know this very well. I may look like I have everything in control, but is that really the case?

Everyone can control what they do, where they go, etc. You can control everything around you to a certain point, but it stops short once you come into contact with other people. Why? Because that is another person's life and you wish not to overstep your boundaries. You can persuade them all you want towards your wants and needs, but people will do as they like, whether or not they will think of you and your feelings. Some will take it into consideration while others will not give it a second thought.

I don't know what I am sometimes. I am a chameleon. I change according to the situation, but I am sure that I reap much from it while having the least damage.

That is a coward's way of life or one of practicality and intelligence, whatever you desire to call it. It simply means making risks when they're responsible. There are just some things you shouldn't know or learn to know at all.

Love is one of these things. Don't all things stem from this horrid and delightful word?

It makes you push forward; it pushes you back. This is one thing I hate to deal with.

It is unstable. It is unreasonable. You can't even anticipate what's going to happen because of it. It's a variable that continues to change, grow, and make people more insane, especially yourself.

And yet, ironically, above all this, love is comprised in the definition of happiness. In some distorted shape or alluring form, love is attached to the word of happiness. It's so much so that you can compare it to a customer in a fabric shop touching smooth fur and it makes their fingers tingle. It feels odd and soft at the same time, almost comfortable. Almost like you want to wear it. Almost like you want to let go of it because it seems too good to be true.

Then, he or she looks at the price. Is it expensive? Can I afford to give that much?

Again, I pose the same statement: I want to be happy.

Your petty resolve is not unique in the world. Everyone's called to use their emotions, their mind, and their soul, but only few are able to control the never-ending path to self-destruction with the raging war within them.

The only difference between you and others? How you resolve it, if at all, among the three parts of yourself.

There's too much to deal with than for you to keep thinking "I want to be happy" because every day should be used to work towards that goal. Or else it'll never happen.

I smile at what I'm holding. I like my half-empty glass. It means I've got a lot of interesting things to do in order to fill it. And I can do it any way I want.

I heard a song named "Xiang Nai Er". Mysterious and sincere, it is elusive as that of love, dreams, and happiness.

That's why I'm here. I sell an illusion that always wants to become a reality. Even to myself…

Even to myself.
Even if I'm deceiving myself with my firm resolve over who and what I am.

Because in one dream, or one vision of the future, I saw you and myself in a dark room. A candle lit to one side and we were dancing. I was trying to reach out to you while you were stepping away from me, a tango embracing both our auras. The shadows on the wall played tricks with what our bodies were truly doing.
And I was happy to just be there. And I was hurting to have you not comprehending anything. This will never happen in reality.

Never really understanding what I wanted. Never really understanding happiness.

"I want to be happy," I found myself saying to you almost in a shock. Never really thinking that I wanted more than all the things I already had, I thought I was already satisfied.

But you had to mess it up, Detective Orcot. Now, I want to catch another star so that I can wish for something totally different from what I've wanted before.

With half-open eyes, I pulled your chin while smiling with lips almost close enough to your face to kiss you. "Can I be your xiang nai er?"
You almost reach out to the red silk I have on…

I can't remember more than that. I woke up because I was too afraid of what that answer would be.

I open my eyes again and put my glass of water down. You have come into my shop. I get up to close the door in back of you and lean on it while you continue to complain about how to catch me.

I hold onto the door just a bit longer. "It's always a pleasure for you to visit me, Detective."

I go up to pour him some tea. As I do so, I smile gently to myself and look at the cup of tea and whisper, "Can I cage you for a bit, my xiang nai er?"

"What was that Count?"
I give him his cup while smiling widely and from the bottom of my heart.

"Nothing. I didn't say anything." I glance at him as he continues to talk.

Then, I hold up my glass of water and drink it, but I don't finish it.

Without discretion, when he puts his cup of tea down, I cautiously and carefully push the rim of the glass towards his lips. With alarmed eyes, he drinks the water that I have given him.

As he scolds me while I laugh at my "joke", I glimpse at the empty glass on the table.

Happiness dissipates. It disappears as soon as it comes because it feels so good.
It's like pain that numbs your whole body that you don't even know you're dying…

Owari. / The End.

Author's Note: There have been some people that have told me that I do a lot of philosophizing and that made me take anime on a deeper level than I should. And yet that is what I like about anime and the people I've met through it. I always try to find things because I feel that you can't find things by yourself unless you are around or talk to other people. Even if they get mad at you or they are good to you, it's a learning experience unique to only you.
And if these days I'm doing a lot of reflective pieces, please excuse my own confusion. Fanfics are away of helping me deal with various situations in my head but do not really discuss with people aloud unless the need arises for me to speak up.

Xiang nai er is my favorite Faye Wong song. Haven't found an accurate translation 'cause it means many things like pet, darling, something to be worn, etc.

August 10, 2004