A/N: So, I've just realised my edits on here don't always save. So I'm sorry if you come across typos. I did correct them. I go through my chapters a good five times before posting.

Anyway.. I really wanted to go for Spock's raw 'primitive' emotions on this one.

The idea of Jim's note I got from the song 'Sorry' by Halsey. Have a listen if you haven't before. It's beautiful.

Instead of doing two chapters, I've done one long mega-chapter. Enjoy :)

(Jdragonfire29 - thank you :] )

Warnings: character death, swearing, violence, suicidal references, more sexy time.

Chapter 6 - How the heart bleeds

Jim took a deep breath, sighed and entered the core. He crawled through the small tunnel as swiftly as he could, already feeling the affects of the previous radiation.

All he could think about was Spock. He knew that he was physically saving him, but he would be mentally destroying him. Tears stung his eyes. It was the only way.

The tunnel opened up to a large room, the main core was at the top. He could see it tilted out of position. He began his ascent, climbing the large metal tubes.

—

Back on the bridge, Sulu shot Spock a panicked glance. "If we don't get power soon, we will be incinerated on re-entry." He shouted.

Spock studied the disaster around him. As the ship began to burn and break; he thought of Jim. Was he safe? Was he trying to find a way to restore power? Would they die without ever seeing each other again? He felt nauseous at the thought. He had to trust that his captain would know what to do.

—

Jim could barely breathe from exhaustion. He'd finally reached the top. He steadied his breathing and held on to a bar above the core. He proceeded to use his entire body weight to kick the bottom of it back in to line. The machine whirred every time he slammed into it, almost connecting. He had to do it a painful fourteen times until it finally connected. The blast sent him flying back to the ground. He began to feel sick and light headed as the radiation swept through him, poisoning every inch of his body. His skin felt like it was on fire. He threw up, then began to crawl back out.

—

The bridge lit up like a Christmas tree. "Power's back on." Sulu cheered.

"Maximum thrusters Mister Sulu!" Spock ordered. The ship slowly ceased falling and began to rise back up. The whole bridge cheered. "It's a miracle." They said.

Spock scowled. "There are no such things." He mumbled. They were safe, but something didn't feel right.

"Engineering to bridge. Mister Spock. You'd better get down here. You'd better hurry." Scotty mournfully spoke.

A deep dark fear coursed through Spock's body; his blood ran cold. He jumped up and sprinted out of the room. He struggled to breathe through the tightness in his chest as he ran down the halls to engineering. He'd never ran so fast before. He'd never felt so terrified. 'Please don't be Jim.' He silently prayed.

After hearing the broadcast, Uhura and Sulu followed, Bones caught up with them in the hall and they tailed Spock.

He slowed and hesitantly approached Scotty. Chekov was next to him in floods of tears. He moved to join the others and they all watched on in heartbreak.

Spock looked Scotty in the eye. "Please... tell me it's not Jim." He begged with a broken voice.

Tears pricked the corner of Scotty's eyes. "I'm so sorry sir." He rasped.

Spock choked out a breath and tears lined his eyes. He felt like he was drowning. This could not be happening. Jim was infallible, nothing could happen to him, he couldn't be beaten. Spock hesitantly walked to the glass door. Jim had collapsed and was closing the inner door. "OPEN IT!" He shouted at Scotty. His tears threatening to spill. He became blinded by the raw emotion. His logic failing, he just wanted to save his... his everything.

"I'm sorry sir, but the door is locked. The decontamination process needs to finish." Scotty murmured with a broken voice.

Spock sunk to his knees, tapping on the glass to let Jim know he was there. Jim's breathing came in short pants, his eyes unfocused. He was suffering and it shattered Spock's heart. He knew his love wasn't going to make it, no matter what anyone did.

Jim focused his eyes to look at Spock. At the recognition of seeing him, a beautiful smile appeared on his face. "Spock!" he rasped, happiness evident in his voice. "How's our ship?"

Spock gave a small wobbly smile in return. "Out of danger. You saved us all." He choked; tears filling his eyes again. Jim was fading quickly.

Jim shot him his trademark bedroom eyes and grinned. "You used what he wanted against him. That's a nice move." He purred. Even on death's door, he was still his perfect, cheeky, human self. Spock breathed a tiny laugh as a stray tear fell. He quickly wiped it away.

Jim's smile widened.

Spock gazed at him brokenly. "You should not be here Jim. It should be me. I never should have let you go."

"No. Don't you dare do that to yourself. This was my choice. This is not on you, I promise you. Nothing you did could have changed this outcome." He rasped. He stopped to breathe for a few seconds and squeezed his drowsy eyes shut before opening them again. He was fighting to stay alive. Fighting for a little longer with Spock. "How.. How do you choose not to feel?" He whimpered.

"I do not know... Right now, I am failing." He cried mournfully; his tears finally falling. "I cannot lose you.. I will lose.. everything."

It tore Jim's heart to pieces seeing Spock like that. Tears built in his own eyes. "I want you to know why I couldn't let you die. Why I went back for you." He breathed.

"Because I am your friend." Spock sobbed.

Jim smiled, then looked regretful. His breathing became heavy and slow. He struggled to speak. He rolled his head slightly side to side "No." He croaked. He shakily brought his hand up to the glass. "Feel." He whispered.

Spock shakily brought his own hand up and placed it in line with Jim's. He focused on picking up Jim's energy and when he did, he was flooded. It took over his whole being. Fear, pain, regret.. and love. A bright and burning love, stronger than any he'd ever felt. A love that easily rivalled his own. Jim was in love with him.

He gasped.

Jim shakily smiled at his realisation. He watched Spock with so much love, adoration and sadness. He took a deep, laboured breath and tears began to fall as he said his final words.

"I'm sorry I broke your heart."

Spock held his hand to Jim's and placed his forehead on the glass, letting his tears fall. "Jim!" He cried, silently pleading him to stay.

Jim's last few breaths came in slow painful wheezes, then he just couldn't breathe any more. The light left his beautiful eyes as he slipped away.

"No.. no, not yet. Stay with me Jim, please, I beg of you. Do not leave me. I need you here.. Please don't go... I love you." Spock cried, but it was too late, his love was already gone. He let out a blood curdling cry and sunk into himself. "I love you Jim... I love you." He mourned. His sobs filled the air. "I love you." He breathed again.

His friends held each other and cried as they watched. Nobody knew what to do.

Spock cried for fifteen minutes before a blood-boiling anger began to rise. He could feel it, crawling up, bubbling through his veins, completely taking a hold of him. "KHAN!" He screamed. He hit the wall so hard that it cracked.

Spock was on a warpath. His friends wanted to help so they wiped their tears, straightened their uniform and followed him straight to the bridge.

McCoy didn't Follow. He staggered over and knelt by the core's door, placing his hand on it. "I'm so sorry kid. I'm so very sorry." He croaked. He stumbled numbly back to sickbay, imagining a life without his best friend.

—

Khan's ship had taken out half the city and laid in ruins, but Spock knew he'd be alive. "Find him." He ordered. Both Sulu and Chekov intensely searched.

"Got him! He just jumped thirty metres!" Sulu exclaimed.

"Can you beam him up?" Spock asked.

"No, but we can beam you down." Chekov replied.

He nodded and sprinted to the transporter room.

Once he beamed down, he stopped right in Khan's path. Khan ran in another direction and Spock broke into a sprint after the man, powering through anything in his way. Khan was going to regret everything once he got hold of him.

The superhuman dived across vehicles and jumped off walls to get away, but his speed was no match for Spock's. He kept catching up.

—

Back on the Enterprise, McCoy was sat in his office softly sobbing into his arms when he felt something brush against him. He glanced up with a frown. The Tribble he'd injected with Khan's blood moved and purred. It had revived. "Get me a cryotube, NOW." He shouted. He began planning to save his best friend with the help of Carol. They were due to bring Jim's body in any minute. He desperately tried to contact Spock but had no luck. He needed Khan's blood. "McCoy to bridge, I can't reach Spock! I need Khan here and I need him alive, NOW. Someone get that son of a bitch on board. I think we can save Jim." He shouted down the comms unit.

—

Spock and Khan ended up on top of a moving shuttle. Spock grabbed him by the scruff and began battering the life out of him. His strength matched Khan's, but now he was fighting for a purpose. Fighting for his dead lover. It gave him a strength he never knew he had. Khan got in a lucky hit and fled to another shuttle. Spock followed and only just made it onto the other vehicle. It gave Khan the upper hand. He pinned Spock and began smacking him at full force and tried to crush his skull. Spock tore a piece of metal from the shuttle and hit him with it, making him stagger backwards.

Khan's face was a bloody mess and his clothes torn. They eyed each other hatefully. "All this because I roughed up your boyfriend a little bit." He grinned.

Spock's stare was ice cold. "He isn't roughed up; he is dead. You took him from me." He seethed.

"Oh my. No wonder you're coming at me with such.. passion." Khan purred and gave a dark, twisted, smirk. "I am so sorry for your tragic loss."

Spock screamed out and attacked him again. He grabbed Khan's arm over his shoulder and snapped it clean in half before pinning him to the floor. He proceeded to punch him over and over and over until his hand began to numb. Uhura had beamed down and began screaming at him to stop but he wouldn't listen. He was about to kill Khan when she cried out "We need him alive, he's our only way to save Jim."

His hand stopped and his breathing hitched.

After a short pause, he got in one last swift punch, knocking the man unconscious and they beamed back.

—

They were in the hospital and Spock was in shock. Once his anger had worn off, he became numb and empty. McCoy allowed him a minute to hold Jim's body. It was still cold, they'd only just began warming him up and cycling the blood through. Spock placed a kiss on his love's mouth and brokenly left.

Uhura approached Bones. "You should go with him. You're the next closest person to him." She fretted. She was really worried so he nodded then followed.

Spock walked and walked. McCoy watched from a distance wondering where on earth he was going. He didn't want to spook the Vulcan away. He could see he was really struggling with his grief. 'Poor Spock. How can you go from hiding and avoiding all emotion, to having to deal with the worst loss possible?' He thought.

He followed Spock until he reached his destination. He felt sick at the pit of his stomach. 'Golden gate bridge.' He shivered. He followed Spock to the top and watched as he climbed the railing and sat with his legs dangling over the edge.

He chose his moment to interrupt. "I sure hope you're not planning on jumping off there Spock. You annoy me, but you don't annoy me that much." He chuckled and climbed up to sit next to the Vulcan. He glanced at him sadly. "Spock.. This isn't like you at all."

Spock looked completely broken. "I cannot picture a universe without him." He mourned.

Bones frowned. "Spock. We've got the machine running, he's gonna be fine. What do you think will happen if he comes back and finds you gone? It'll destroy him."

"How can you assume it will work, just because it worked on one little Tribble."

"I just know it'll work, okay? Call it a gut feeling.. call it an act of faith. Please, just get down. I'm a doctor not a lifeguard. It's giving me the creeps on this edge."

Spock turned to look at him. He had fresh tears running and looked hesitant.

McCoy became desperate. "Spock, come on. You can't make an irrational, illogical decision when you don't even know if he's alright or not. Come and see him. He needs you right now."

Spock frowned. "He cannot need me if he is dead doctor."

"He isn't dead. His body might be, but his spirit is in there waiting! Fighting!"

Spock looked furious. "Do not sit there and tell me his spirit is waiting. I watched his spirit leave his body. I watched as the light drained from his eyes. I watched as his body went limp and his hand fell from the glass. Do not tell me otherwise." He shouted.

He closed his eyes and began to lean forward but McCoy grabbed him, throwing himself backwards and taking Spock with him. They fell in a crumpled heap on the floor and groaned in pain.

"Dammit Spock you pointy eared son of a bitch, that could have been avoided!" Bones hissed. "That's enough of this damn argument, we're going back to Jim, now!" He growled and dragged Spock up. He marched him back to the hospital. He wasn't taking no for an answer. Luckily, Spock didn't protest again.

—

Spock entered the room again. Jim had tubes sticking out of him; mixing his blood with Khan's. His friends were still there, watching him warm up, praying that it would work. They all edged back as Spock walked closer.

Being careful with the equipment, he held Jim's limp body in his arms again and buried his face in his neck. He didn't care who was watching anymore. He didn't care that he looked weak. "Find your way back to me." He begged. It was illogical to assume Jim would hear him, but his logic was way out of the window at that point. His emotional barriers were in crumbles.

—

It had been hours since Jim died. One by one, their friends left. Bones sat on the floor against a wall; a whisky in hand. Spock approached him and slumped down next to him. There was a long comfortable silence before Spock spoke.

"You were correct regarding your assumptions on my feelings for Jim." He murmured.

"I know. I think at this point, everyone knows." Bones replied.

"I never got the chance to tell him." He mourned. Tears lined his eyes again.

"I know." Bones said more sympathetically, reaching out to squeeze the Vulcan's shoulder. "That's why you have to promise yourself you'll do it when he wakes up."

"I shall... How were you aware of his feelings for me?"

"He's my best friend and I'm his doctor. I know everything about him and he's nuts for you, it's simple. You mentioned before that he's had a lot of girls. I don't think he even remembers a single one of them. They're just a distraction from his stress or pain." Bones explained. He paused with a sad smile and took a drink before continuing. "You get under his skin easier than anyone, you make him a better person than anyone else can, you sway his mind, guide him and look after him more than anyone else. You make the best team and really, he doesn't smile for anyone quite the way he does for you."

Spock sighed and smiled.

McCoy turned to look at him. "You know, the last time I saw him alive, I'd never seen him so happy before. I honestly thought that you'd told him."

Spock flushed a deep shade of green and smiled again. Their moment together had made Jim that happy.

McCoy eyed him up. "Man, you're blushing like crazy. Something happened didn't it! You didn't do any of that freaky mind voodoo shit on him did you? Because I'll beat you if you did." He warned.

Spock chuckled. Actually chuckled. "Yes, something happened. However, I was not aware he did it out of love. More like Jim just being his promiscuous self."

The doctor gaped at him. "Did you two have sex? Were you out of your goddamn minds? When did you even find the time? Where did you go?"

Spock cleared his throat in nervousness. "It did not exactly take long. It was incredibly.. heated. We were in a hygiene storage compartment."

"Whoa whoa whoa.. You mean to say that you fucked my best friend in the damn cleaning closet? Dammit Spock.. I should whoop your ass." He scolded and ran his hands over his face.

"I do not think Jim would approve. Doctor, may we drop this now, or do we need to discuss the fine details?"

"Lord no. Drop it." He chuckled. He became lost in thought for a while then his face dropped. "Hey uh Spock? I just remembered, I found this in Jim's pocket." He murmured and handed Spock a small folded letter with his name on.

Spock's hands trembled, it was written in Jim's handwriting.

"What does it say?" He rasped.

Bones frowned. "I wouldn't read your letter Spock. Open it."

Spock took a deep breath and went to sit back at Jim's side. He opened the letter and held Jim's hand as he read it.

His voice trembled as he spoke. "I run away when things are good and never really understood, the way you laid your eyes on me, in ways that no one ever could.
And so it seems I broke your heart, my ignorance has struck again, I failed to see it from the start and tore you open in the end.
I'm sorry to my unknown lover, sorry that I can't believe, that anybody ever really starts to fall in love with me.
Sorry to my unknown lover, sorry I could be so blind, didn't mean to leave you and all of the things that we had behind." A tear rolled from his eye. He wiped it and took a shaky breath before continuing. "I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with you. I have been for the longest time. I'm so sorry I never made it more obvious... Someone will love you Spock. I'm sorry it isn't me."

He folded the letter back up and set it in his pocket. "Of course it is you, it has always been you." He murmured and kissed the back of Jim's hand. More stray tears fell. His heart was in shreds.

Bones got up and stood by the Vulcan. "Budge over." He growled. Spock sat on the edge of the chair. Bones squashed next to him and slung an arm over his shoulder. "He thought he was dying Spock. It's his way of saying he wanted you to move on and be happy. He must have written this after you two... you know... He knew the risks of the mission."

Spock nodded, he understood. Bones squeezed his shoulder then got up to leave. He was exhausted. "Get better Jim." He said to his best friend and ruffled his hair. "See you tomorrow Spock." He called over his shoulder.

Spock spent the night alternating between meditating and brushing his fingers through Jim's soft hair.

—

A painfully long two weeks went by. Spock only left the room to shower. He stayed watching Jim the rest of the time. McCoy always brought him food and whatever he needed. They'd spent most of their time sitting and chatting about Jim and past missions. McCoy often scolded Spock for not eating enough and claimed that Jim would be pissed at him if he let the man he loved waste away. The Vulcan always ended up doing as he was told.

One evening, McCoy was looking at the monitor when he gasped. "Spock! His brain waves are normalising. He's finally beginning to wake." He smiled. Spock gave a tiny smile in return. He was still cautious to the idea.

Bones began to withdraw all the equipment that had been keeping Jim alive. He looked like he was just peacefully sleeping.

—

An hour passed and Jim awoke with a panic, his breathing was rapid. Memories of his last moments flooded him. He glanced to his left not knowing where he was. He noticed he was in a tiny room with lots of medical equipment. The blinds were drawn and he could tell it was evening.

"Oh don't be so melodramatic, you were barely dead. It was the transfusion that took its toll. Two weeks you've been out." Bones chirped from his side and began running scanners over him.

Jim turned to face him. "Bones!.. Is Spock alright?.. Where's Khan?" He rasped. His mouth was so dry. McCoy helped him drink some water.

"Once we caught him, I synthesised a serum with his, uh, super-blood. Tell me, are you feeling homicidal? power-mad? despotic?"

"No more than usual." Jim murmured with a grin. "How'd you catch him?"

"I didn't." McCoy answered and stepped to the side. Jim's heart skipped a beat at the sight of Spock and how softly he was watching him. Bones hung an arm around the Vulcan's shoulder. "Spock went all super-Vulcan and beat the life out of Khan after you died. He almost killed him." He chuckled. He moved around to Jim's other side to carry on studying his vitals. "Your pointy-eared puppy hasn't left you since he came back to see you that day."

Jim gaped at him. He shakily pulled himself up to sit as Spock sat by his bed. He looked into the Vulcan's warm brown eyes. "Spock.. You—" He was cut short when Spock placed a hand behind his head and pulled him into a soft kiss. Jim's eyes slid shut and he tilted his head to deepen it, sliding his tongue into Spock's mouth. They both moaned as they explored each other.

"Dammit Jim, do you have to do this shit while I'm still in here?" Bones whined. Jim flipped him the finger. He laughed and left the room. "Don't worry, I'll lock it!" He called behind him.

Spock felt Jim grinning against his lips and pulled away. He stared into his love's beautiful ocean blue eyes. They were just as bright and perfect as before. "I'm in love with you Jim. I promised myself I would inform you as soon as you returned." He said breathlessly.

Jim regarded him with soft eyes. "Well Mister Spock, you sure wasted no time." He cooed, running his thumb down Spock's cheek. He couldn't stop the huge smile that appeared on his face. He reached out two fingers, asking for a Vulcan kiss. Spock was surprised at the gesture. He wasn't aware Jim knew that much about Vulcans. He linked them, both softly sighing into the feeling. Jim leaned forward, pressing his forehead on Spock's "My love." He hummed.

"My T'hy'la." Spock murmured back.

Jim pulled back and cocked his head. "T'hy'la? That sounds cute." He smiled.

"It means brother, friend, lover. I guess it could most closely relate to you as a soulmate." Spock replied with a light green blush.

Jim smiled then leaned in and kissed him as deeply as he could. He tugged at his love's shirt, inviting him onto the bed. Spock lay over him and moved to kiss and suck his neck, leaving small marks all over him. Jim gasped and moaned with every one. Spock one hand in Jim's hair, playing with the golden locks. His other hand was at Jim's hip; fingers digging sharply into the skin. "More." Jim groaned whenever Spock pulled slightly back. They kissed again, long and slow. Their tongues dancing together.

They broke apart, slightly panting and Jim looked up at Spock, his eyes shining with want... need. "Bond with me." He whispered.

Spock's breath hitched. He delicately kissed Jim all over, as he gently removed his hospital gown. He prepared himself and his love before pushing slowly into him. Jim gasped and moaned at the feeling. He stared deeply into Spock's eyes, drowning in the pleasure and love he felt for the vulcan. He couldn't get enough of how Spock gazed at him.

Time passed and soft moans of pleasure sounded throughout the room as they made love.

"I love you." Jim rasped.

"I love you too." Spock murmured. He could tell Jim was almost done and he didn't have much longer himself. He chose that moment to meld with his lover and used his other hand to play with him.

An intense pleasure took over and Jim threw his head back in ecstasy. He dragged his nails down Spock's back as his body arched at the feeling. "Oh Spock, I'm gonna cum." He moaned. He cried out arching his back again and his body trembled as the waves of pleasure took him over. The meld made his orgasm much more powerful.

"Jim!" Spock cried and tightly grabbed his lover's hair as he finished inside him. He could feel Jim's overwhelming pleasure course through him. He loved every second; Jim's mind really was as bright and beautiful as he expected. It was intoxicating; he couldn't get enough.

Spock cleaned the mess then collapsed next to his lover. They lay in each other's arms, enjoying the high that radiated between them through their new bond. Jim danced his fingers over Spock's chest and the Vulcan nuzzled into his hair.

"I love you." Jim murmured again.

"I love you also." Came Spock's breathless reply.

"It's amazing. I can actually feel you. We're one." Jim cooed.

"It is surreal."

"Did you really try to kill Khan?" Jim asked quietly.

"Yes. I wanted to make him pay."

Jim smiled. "Always protecting me." He murmured and kissed Spock's head. "I wish I could have seen it." He chuckled.

Spock pulled back to look at him. "You can. Chekov downloaded the security footage. That is how the doctor knows what happened. Everybody knows what happened."

"No way! Chekov you little legend." Jim laughed. He watched as Spock's eyes began to drop. "When was the last time you slept?" He worriedly asked, running his thumb down Spock's cheek. He'd only just noticed how exhausted his Vulcan looked.

"On your couch. I do not require as much sleep as you."

"Spock, you still need sleep, you look exhausted. I bet you haven't even meditated enough." Jim lightly scolded.

"I have indeed struggled. I am ready to sleep now that I know you are safe." He murmured.

Jim kissed him then snuggled back into his chest. They both fell asleep. The next morning McCoy walked in and smiled at the sight. They looked so peaceful and content. It made his heart soar. He did his observations quietly and made his way back out.

—

Jim entered the turbolift, his fingers intertwined with Spock's. "I can't believe we finally got the Enterprise back and I can't believe we actually got the five year mission!" He beamed.

"It is an exciting prospect." Spock agreed.

They entered the bridge and were immediately swamped in a group hug by their friends. "Welcome back Captain! First officer Spock!" They cooed.

Jim laughed and hugged them all back. Bones walked over and grabbed him in a crushing hug then kissed his forehead. "We've missed you kid and the hobgoblin too." He chuckled. Spock sassily quirked an eyebrow and moved to his station.

Jim swatted Bones and approached his seat. He dropped down and smiled at the scene around him. It felt so good to be home. He turned and winked at Spock. He could feel the Vulcan smiling back in his mind.

"Stations everyone." He called. "Mister Sulu take us out... Punch it." He grinned.

—