Everything belongs to J.K. Rowling, I don't get paid for this but I wish I did, don't have a beta but I wish I did, it didn't happen that way but Ron wishes it did.

(I had an outlined sketch for this on this on my laptop for weeks. Then my computer crashed and I lost everything, and now spent about 20 minutes rewriting it. And tadah! Instant short entertainment.)

"Severus Snape, the nasty predator and paedophile, stalked the bushy-haired first-year as she walked through the corridors of Hogwarts. He was ready to take her..."

"Ew, Ron. That's not what happened! You know as well as I do he wasn't interested in her that way then. Stop making things up and let me read, we need to pass these tests to get our Auror's licences."

"...And everyone could see how the greasy git was practically drooling a puddle on the floor during the Yule Ball, watching her..."

"That didn't happen, Ron. Don't you remember Snape spent time blasting rose bushes? And shouldn't you be back at the Wheezes doing inventory anyway? I know you flunked the tests but George isn't going to pay you for sitting at the Leaky, you know..."

"Of course we all know Snape is only using Hermione as a poor substitute for your mum."

"That's not true. I know how just many red-haired and green-eyed witches tried to snatch an eligible war hero when it all came out, including some with dye-jobs and coloured contact lenses. No, don't ask me what they are, they made their eyes green in a Muggle way. And he detested all that attention! She and mum were nothing alike, and he loves her for who she is. We've all seen how he looks at her. Besides, you were the one who cheated on her with two different witches that she knew of until she walked away. Leave it, Ron. She did invite you to their wedding, after all!"

"That disgusting bat. I remember how he mauled her under the mistletoe during old Sluggy's Slug Club..."

"Cormac."

"Huh?"

"Cormac McLaggen tried to snog her during Slug Club, not Snape. That thing with Snape never happened, Ron."

"But I remember..."

"You weren't there, Ron. Look, can't you be happy for her? She's just given birth to her first child and they're both over the moon with joy. Don't ruin it."

"I've got it! He married her in some secret ceremony during out sixth year because Dumbledore forced her to, and that's why she saved his life at the Shrieking Shack..."

"That's just ridiculous. She saved him because she was much more clever than the two of us put together.""

"But what if there was a marriage law and we just missed it? If she didn't want us worrying..."

"There was no marriage law. Are you bloody insane?"

"You sure?"

"Yes! Shouldn't you concentrate on, I don't know, celebrating your last night as a bachelor? You're marrying Pansy Parkinson, for God's sake!"

"Oh, bloody hell..."

"They never published it, but I know she accidentally used her time-turner wrong and went back in time. She messed things up there before Dumbledore sent her back, and Snape knew and used her guilt forced her to marry him... and she'd have been accused of meddling with time, which would have been illegal..."

"Are you even listening to yourself, Ron? Snape isn't such a bad guy! They've been happily married for almost over twenty years now. Hey, I'll order us another round of drinks. You should celebrate your divorce for the pug-face Parkinson."

"That greasy bat slipped her a potion..."

"Ron."

"What?"

"Stop ruining my retirement party and shut up."

"...greasy fucking git..."