Author's Note:

I have made a lot of jokes about Byakuya not owning a spirit phone. So here is a story about him getting one. That's it. That's the fanfic.

Thanks to Luna12 for the once-over. Also, she told me to post it even though it's dumb, you have her to blame.

Byakuya stared at the little rectangle lined up with the upper left corner of his blotter.

He had just completed three personnel evaluations, the number he had allotted himself before he could pick it up again.

He picked it up again.

It was one of the new models, with a large screen and what he was told was a very nice camera. It was encased in some sort of bulky plastic shell, "for protection," as though he were incapable of protecting his personal possessions. He had grudgingly agreed to keep it in its case for a period of one month, until he was used to carrying this irksome little object around. To be honest, though, he did find it aesthetically pleasing- Rukia had selected the shiny white shell, dusted with sakura petals, and her taste, at least in this matter, was impeccable. Perhaps he would leave it on.

No new Text Messages.

Byakuya frowned. Perhaps it was broken.

He opened his contacts, and scrolled down until he located "Captain Hitsugaya Toushirou."

"This is a test to ensure the Spirit Phone network is still working," he carefully typed out.

He hit send.

He waited.

The phone emitted a cheerful little binglety-boop.

He had received a Text Message from Captain Hitsugaya Toushirou.

"It's still working." He wished he couldn't see the message above it, the last time he had texted Captain Hitsugaya Toushirou to ask if the Spirit Phone network was working. He especially wished it didn't display a time stamp.

A new Text Message from Captain Hitsugaya Toushirou arrived. "Do you want to spar or something? Go get a coffee?"

Byakuya contemplated this offer. Perhaps it would- no. No, it was unnecessary. "Thank you, but I cannot. I am very busy today," he typed back. He wasn't, not exactly, but he needed to stay caught up with his paperwork, now that, once again, his adjutant had been dispatched to more pressing concerns.

"No prob, let me know if you change your mind."

Byakuya frowned. Captain Hitsugaya would never dream of saying "no prob" to him in person, even though they had slowly been cultivating an Informal Acquaintanceship over the last several years. That was the problem with these Spirit Phones, they broke down the proper formality of everyday relationships.

The phone made a special noise, not the generic binglety-boop, but the irksome screech of his lieutenant's first bankai. How had Abarai even obtained an audio recording of that? The phone informed Byakuya that he had received a Text Message from "My Awesome and Very Helpful Vice-Captain."

Abarai had done most of the work in setting up this odious little device for him, for which he was, of course, grateful. However, the man had left a few things in a less-than-desirable state.

"They're your contacts, you can set 'em up however you want," Byakuya remembered Abarai carefully explaining. "You can change my name and ringtone to whatever you want, as soon as you figure out how."

Byakuya had tried to get Rukia to do it for him, but she had, instead, just changed her own contact from "My Extremely Perfect Sister" to "My Extremely Badass Sister," which he found even more irritating than the Helpful Vice-Captain thing.

But he had no time for irritation at the moment. He opened the Text Message, and the first idiotic thought that entered his head was that he had made absolutely the right decision to start carrying this stupid rectangle with its excellent screen and superlative camera.

Abarai had sent him a picture.

Byakuya stared at the picture for a long time. He was having an emotion, and for once, he didn't do anything to try and prevent it.

He then received a second Text Message from his Awesome and Very Helpful Vice-Captain.

"Your sister is a friggin' badass. Come on over whenever."

Several pieces of paper blew off his desk in the wake of Byakuya's departure.

Abarai was standing out front of his home contemplating his own Spirit Phone when Byakuya arrived. He turned the device around to display a stopwatch application.

"Thirty-seven point six seconds," he announced. "Takes ten minutes just to wrangle a Hell Butterfly. You understand now why everyone else has been using these things for years?"

"You're wasting my time, Lieutenant," he snarled.

Abarai grinned. "Yours and mine both. C'mon in."

Byakuya tactfully ignored the clutter as they entered the more casual living area at the rear of the house. This was unusual; Abarai and his sister more frequently entertained in the front room, and furthermore, usually took great care to have things tidy prior to his visits. Perhaps the occasional breakdown of formalities had its advantages. He certainly would certainly take a coffee table covered in infant-related ephemera over having to wait another minute to see his sister and her latest accomplishment.

Rukia was ensconced on the hideous piece of furniture they called a couch, pillows propped all around her so that she looked like she was sitting in a very plush throne. There was an intriguing lump wrapped in a purple blanket and propped against her chest. She looked very tired, but also incredibly smug. The coffee table had been pulled into a very strange diagonal position, where it was very close to the couch at one end, and further away. Rukia's feet, in pink fuzzy socks, were propped up on the close end. The reason for the strange configuration suddenly became very obvious, it was so someone of a normal height could sit next to her without banging their knees.

"That was fast," Rukia teased.

"This is a very serious occasion," Byakuya scolded her. "Surely, you have more pressing matters than...what is the word you use? Pushing me?"

"Dragging," Rukia supplied. "And, no. Nothing is more important than dragging you."

"Go sit," Abarai ordered, pointing at the spot on the couch next to Rukia. "Did you actually bring your phone with you or did you leave it in the office?"

"I brought it," Byakuya frowned, pulling it out of his kosode as he gingerly sat down.

"Good, I'm gonna teach you how to take a selfie."

Byakuya regarded the very precious thing Rukia was getting ready to hand him, and held out his phone to his lieutenant. "Maybe you could take it, instead. Renji. I promise I will let you teach me about self-portraiture later."

"No problem," his brother-in-law replied. "Byakuya."

A spirit phone was passed from one shinigami to another, and then a niece passed from a third shinigami back to the first one.

Byakuya carefully contemplated the tiny features of the infant, now that he could see her peacefully sleeping face. He could not mentally categorize any particular thing as belonging to either parent, aside from the soft down of bright red hair. She just looked like a baby.

There was the sound a false shutter closing, and Byakuya looked up, startled. "I was not ready," he protested.

"Doesn't matter, still a good picture," Renji mumbled, squinting at his phone.

"Send me a copy," Rukia insisted.

"Yeah, yeah," Renji agreed, engrossed in the task.

Byakuya sat up a little straighter, and tried to angle the baby so that her face would be visible in the photograph. "Try to look dignified," he informed her, even though she was asleep. "Take the picture, Abarai."

"Taking the picture, sir."

Abarai brought the phone over and showed Byakuya the picture. "Excellent," Byakuya approved, his heart tightening in his chest. There was a slight movement in his arms, and he realized that baby was now awake and squinting at him.

"You wanna see it, too, Ichi-chan?" Abarai said gently, idiotically turning the phone towards the infant, and brushing one large hand over her head. He straightened up, looking down at his daughter fondly. "You want me to make this your lock screen?" he offered.

"My what?" Byakuya echoed.

"Just do it," Rukia suggested dryly.

"You decided on Ichika?" Byakuya asked. He knew it had been a front-runner for the case of a girl, and it fit with the diminutive Abarai used to address the child, but he did not like to make assumptions. He, personally, would not have named a child after Kurosaki Ichigo, but neither would he argue with the choice.

"Abarai Ichika," Rukia confirmed.

Byakuya nodded. "Abarai Ichika," he addressed his niece. "You are the very first person to be born into the Abarai clan, a branch of the eminent Kuchiki family, the Greatest Family in Soul Society. You are a very auspicious sign of future greatness for your clan."

"What do you mean, future?" Rukia interrupted. "We're already pretty great."

"Shh!" Renji scolded. "Don't interrupt his thing! I'll take all the good luck we can get."

Byakuya leaned forward. "Your mother is correct. You are already pretty great."

When Byakuya returned to the office, he had another Text Message from Abarai, although there were a large number of other people listed on it as well, some identified by name and some by number. Ah! Was this a Group Text? He had heard the term thrown about, but had not yet been included on one.

"WATCH OUT, SOUL SOCIETY," it read, and included a picture Byakuya had taken himself, of Ichika with both her parents, all three of them making the same disturbingly Abarai-like facial expression, as though they were preparing to instigate a brawl in a drinking establishment of questionable repute. Rukia had claimed that this was Ichika's default facial expression and both she and Abarai found it extremely humorous to make it at the baby and also at each other. A brief note followed, listing the baby's name, various statistics, and an affirmation of Rukia's health.

The first response to this, attributed to one of those mysterious numbers, was "where are her" followed by a very small picture of a pair of sunglasses. Byakuya wondered how that was accomplished.

Many, many responses followed, some praising the cuteness of his niece, others offering congratulations, a few containing merely sequences of the little pictures (balloons, fireworks, etc). An argument broke out over which squad she belonged to, which Abarai himself cut off with a string of roughly 100 camellia symbols and "SQUAD 6 FOREVER!" followed by more camellias. Byakuya felt mostly confused, but also vaguely proud.

Another unknown number accused, "rukia is asleep, isn't she?", which prompted back "...yes" from Abarai.

Byakuya frowned. Abarai's punctuation was never this poor. Ah, well, in all likelihood, he was probably a bit behind on sleep as well, not something that was likely to be remedied any time soon. Rukia had rejected Byakuya's initial offer of sending over some of the servants to help out, but perhaps it wouldn't hurt to offer again once a few days had passed.

Another Text Message arrived, this one to himself, personally. It was from Captain Hitsugaya Toushirou. "Congratulations!" it read. "Have you seen her yet?"

Byakuya was feeling very adventurous. He experimented with a number of options on his phone. None of them turned out to provide the functionality he desired, although he did find the menu of little pictures.

"I did," he finally Text Messaged back. "She is very" and then added a picture of a bunny. He sent it, and sat back, feeling very pleased with himself.

He looked around his desk and realized that in his current mood, there was no way he would be able to write objective personnel evaluations.

"It does not seem possible to attach a photograph to a Text Message from my Spirit Phone," he sent, yet again, to Captain Hitsugaya Toushirou, "but if you are still interested in meeting for tea (I do not drink coffee, but I know of a place that serves both), I have some I can show you."

"Let's do it," came back. "I can show you how to attach pictures."

Just to make sure he could do it without embarrassing himself, Byakuya navigated back through his main photography application, and located the pictures he had taken at Rukia and Renji's house. Very easy! He flipped back through them again. He decided that Ichika definitively favored her mother, how else could she possibly be so beautiful?

He reached the first photograph of the day, the one Abarai had taken when he was not paying attention. Byakuya wasn't sure anyone had ever taken an unposed photograph of him before, although he knew Rukia and Renji took such pictures of each other constantly. Rukia's photographic ouvre was primarily "Renji falling off of things" (some of which were absolutely delightful). Renji didn't tend to share his photographic accomplishments, at least not with his superior, but he did keep one on his desk. In it, Rukia, engrossed in her artwork, was tucking her hair behind one ear. Byakuya personally felt it belonged in a museum somewhere.

This photograph, his niece meeting her clan head for the first time, was of similar calibre. He hardly recognized himself, caught from the side, his face partially obscured by his hair, but not so much as to hide his facial expression, a mix of surprise and joy. He didn't remember feeling surprised. How could he possibly be surprised? This event had been anticipated for months. He did not particularly remember feeling joy at that moment, either, although he was feeling joy right now, and he couldn't specifically remember when that had started.

He did not wish to be late for his appointment with Captain Hitsugaya, so he hit the proper button on his phone. He now understood what a lock screen was, and he was grateful for Rukia's good judgment on the matter.

In this photograph, which others might occasionally glimpse, he appeared much more appropriately himself, looking very, very full of pride. Ichika was yawning, her tiny face scrunched together on one side and stretched out on the other.

He tucked his spirit phone into his kosode and headed out to show off his pictures of niece to his best Informal Acquaintance.

the end!

Shinigami's Cup: GOLDEN!

"i hear you got a spirit phone! good jorb, dude!"

"Is this Kurosaki Ichigo? Abarai put you into my telephone contacts as 'the Worst Ryouka'."

"IT ME" ::Kurosaki Ichigo emoji::

"How did you do that? Why is that picture an option?"

"i am putting you in my contacts as Uncle Byakuya."

"Please do not."

"does yoruichi have your number?"

"No."

"i'm gonna give yoruichi your digits"

"Do not, Kurosaki Ichigo!"

::Kurosaki Ichigo emoji:: ::senkaimon emoji::

:: Ambassador Seaweed emoji:: :: zanpakutou emoji:: ::sakura emoji:: ::sakura emoji:: ::sakura emoji::