Chapter 1.

Castiel found Dean at the top of the stairs, looking down into a room full of people. He stood beside him, half watching the refugees from Apocalypse World and half watching Dean's smile.

Dean turned to look at him. "Sam has them all organised."

"Yes, he does." said Cas.

"Natural leader." said Dean, proudly.

"Yes he is." said Cas, "Dean, if you have time, I'd like to talk."

Dean nodded. "I always have time for you, Cas. Speak!"

"In private." said Cas.

"Private is in short supply around here." said Dean, "Let's go to my room." He led the way. As soon as the door closed behind them, he said, "What's the problem?"

"Well, first, I want to say that I know you have a ton of good excuses for it, but you know what they say about procrastination."

"I don't," said Dean, "But I promise to Google it tomorrow." He grinned, then the grin faded as he saw the expression on Castiel's face, "This is something important, isn't it?"

"The Winchester Pact." said Cas, "And most importantly, your promise to discuss Hell with me."

"Yeah, well, things have been a little busy, what with the son of Lucifer, the rift between worlds, rescuing Mom and all that."

"I know. Like I said, you have good reasons."

"You said excuses."

"I didn't mean that pejoratively." said Castiel.

"Okay." said Dean.

"But now everything's quiet. Sam has things in hand. Your mother is not just safe, but a hero. Jack is ... well, Jack is better than we could ever have hoped."

"Still a nephilim." said Dean, "Probably hears at least as well as you do and Mom is always around and I don't want her to hear anything about Hell."

"You've still never told her about it?"

"Oh yeah. First day back, I said to her, 'Hey, Mom, I was a torturer in Hell. Everyone said I was a natural.' Same time I showed her my porn stash and told her she had a grandchild, but it was a man-killing monster so Sam had to put it down. There are things you do not tell your mother, ever."

Cas smiled sadly, fighting the urge to argue with him then and there about his irrational sense of shame about all that he had suffered in Hell. He knew that to start such an argument now would be counterproductive. "We don't have to talk here." he said, "We can go anywhere you like. Mary and Sam can take care of things here. For once, you are non-essential personnel. You did promise, Dean."

Dean nodded. "Yeah, I know I did. Is it really worth it, though?"

"I don't know. Does Hell still bother you?"

"Well, that's a stupid question."

"Yes, but you asked one first." said Cas.

"There are a lot of other things we need to deal with." said Dean.

Cas could see the fear in his eyes, not just of facing what had happened in Hell, but of something he said about it changing their friendship, maybe ending it. Cas knew that Dean wanted a way out, a reason not to ever wade into those waters again, deep and dark as they were, but he also felt a strong obligation to keep his word.

"The hardest part is to begin." he said.

"I don't think you believe that any more than I do." said Dean.

"I honestly do." said Cas, "You're afraid and your fear will diminish when you start to talk about it."

"To one of the few people whose opinion of me matters?"

"I already know what happened in Hell. Telling me is like talking to yourself about it.

"I don't even put it into words in my head." said Dean.

"And does it ever stop screaming at you?" said Cas.

"I find distractions." said Dean.

They looked at each other. Cas wondered what he could say to persuade Dean not to make another excuse and put it off for another week or month. Footsteps went past the door and Dean immediately tensed. His eyes warned Cas not to speak. Angels and nephilim had better hearing than humans and he didn't want Jack to ask any difficult questions.

The footsteps had been gone for some time when Dean spoke again. "Look, I promised and I'll keep my promise, but not here, around Jack, Sam and Mom. We need to get away from the bunker."

Cas nodded. "No problem. Pick a place."

"Meet me in the garage after supper." said Dean, "We'll take your car. Sam will need the Impala."

"You hate my car." said Cas.

"I don't hate it. Your car is the thing I hate least about this whole thing." said Dean.

"What will you tell the others?" said Cas.

"Lies." said Dean.

"Even Sam?"

"No, not Sam."

"Thanks for doing this, Dean."

Dean's grim smile was anything but cheerful. "When I tell you the stuff I can't think about myself, you won't be thanking me. You'll probably never be able to look at me again."

"I promise you, I will."

"You really think this won't change our relationship?" said Dean, "I mean, like, forever?"

Cas smiled. "I can't say that."

"No." said Dean.

"I can promise it won't weaken it. It won't end it."

"You can't promise that." said Dean.

"I just did. I know what even agreeing to this cost you. I know how hard this is. You don't believe this will help you. You're doing this for Sam and for me."

"Yes." said Dean.

"And even though it feels like I'm pushing you somewhere you don't want to go, I'm doing it for you, because I believe it will help you and I would do anything to lessen the burden you carry."

"I know." said Dean, "I don't agree with you, but I know."