Do not trust me to write anything ever again

"This is so disgusting to watch it makes me wanna throw up."

Kazemaru sighed and put down his pen, resigned to not getting anything done as long as Fudou was sitting next to him (he just knew that Fudou picked that seat for no other reason than being as annoying as possible). It didn't take long to find what- who was bothering Fudou so much; Sakuma and Genda just walked into the room, quietly chattering as they headed to the first empty seats they found. It was next to impossible to miss how Genda's eyes were softer than usual when looking at his friend, how he waited for Sakuma to take a seat before sitting down himself, how Sakuma looked far calmer and happier just by talking to him, how they hardly spent any time separated anymore.

They were completely smitten for the other. It wasn't a secret, as much as they thought they were being good at hiding it, the entire team already knew of their crushes. The entire team except them, apparently. How they still hadn't realized the feeling was mutual when even Kazemaru figured it out within days of joining was anyone's guess, but the betting pool was still going, a couple of coins and bills being added every day. No one knew the exact amount it had gone up to anymore, but Kazemaru could swear it was hovering dangerously close to the five numbers. That was a lot of yens over the span of a few weeks.

Kazemaru only hoped they would figure out their feelings before the end of the school year. He wasn't one for gossip and matchmaking or even betting on someone's love life, very far from it, but there was no denying that they would make a great couple, and even if they weren't his close friends, he would still like to see them happy.

"I can't believe this is for real." Fudou made a vaguely disgusted noise and faked throwing up. Kazemaru had to suppress a groan and the urge to stab him with his pen. A couple rows ahead, Sakuma was struggling to hold back a laugh, and even from their position they could see a faint pink tinting Genda's cheeks when he looked away.

"Hey." Fudou poked his arm to catch his attention (read: stabbed him with his finger).

"What do you want?"

"Help me get them togeher."

A beat.

"What."

"Come on you, heard me- I'm sick of watching this every day and I wanna win that bet- have you seen high it got already? We can split the money!" Fudou was still looking at him expectantly, just waiting for him to say yes.

"I'm not going to help you set them up and possibly ruin it for them, they can get together themselves when they're ready for it." Even if it looked like it wouldn't happen any time soon at the pace they were going, not without outside help. Still not enough of a reason to let anyone stick their nose into their business, much less Fudou of all the people.

Fudou groaned, but backed down once Kageyama called the team for practice. Kazemaru could only weakly hope that it would be the end of it. Hope might be the first to die for once, though.

As expected, his hope was dead and buried once he found Fudou completely focused on whatever he was reading on his phone, the glances he was throwing in Sakuma and Genda's general direction a clear sign that he was now commited to winning this bet. Kazemaru was starting to fantasize about stapling Kidou's damn cape to his face for putting him in this place.

"Do you even have the slightest idea of what you're doing?" Fudou scoffed, as if the question was really that unbelievable.

"Of course! I looked it up on the internet!"

Kazemaru lost a bit more of faith in humanity.

When Kazemaru was woken up at 2am by a text, he could already feel the urge to rip every single hair out of Fudou's ugly egg-looking head before even looking at the screen of his phone. For agood minute, he managed to ignore the obnoxious light, as if daring to so much as touch the phone would somehow summon that demon spawn in the middle of his room. He managed for a whole total of a minute or so, until his phone's screen, well on its way to finall dim and let him go back to sleep, lit up again with all the brightness its evil little circuits could manage. Promising to himself to google how to hide a body in the morning, Kazemaru resigned himself to losing what little sleep he could get, loudly sighing as he lazily reached for the phone. It took all of his willpower to keep himself from throwing it across the room. Unsurprisingly, Fudou was testing his patience once again.

[2:04 AM]: hey i have an idea
[2:04 AM]: u have to help me with this ok
[2:04 AM]: its going to work trust me

Honestly, he shouldn't even have considered answering, let alone reading his texts. Had it not been for the following spam of messages flodding his phone, he would've done just that.

[2:11 AM]: it's 2 in the fucking morning
[2:11 AM]: let me sleep you fucking moron

For a moment, he almost dropped the phone back on his nightstand. The stupid thing alerted him of a new message. He gave up on sleep.

[2:12 AM]: cmon
[2:12 AM]: this will really work

It wouldn't, it definitely wouldn't, he already could tell that much.

[2:12 AM]: let me sleep.
[2:12 AM]: will you shut up if i agree to listen in the morning

For a few, precious moments, there was only blissful silence. Kazemaru almost dared to hope that Fudou decided to be kind enough to leave him alone for once.

[2:14 AM]: k

Good enough.

"Alright, what did you want so badly that couldn't wait for today?" He approached Fudou as soon as their morning practice ended. Not that he was that eager to talk to him in the first place.

"I need you to tell Genda and Sakuma to meet up with you at a cafe or some shit and then not show up."

Silence.

"... Are you asking me to set them up on a date without them knowing?" He wanted to think that it might have been just a stupid joke so badly. Fudou's completely serious face said otherwise. Kazemaru wept a little more on the inside. "I am not doing that."

"C'mon- you know they'll never agree to this if I'm the one asking!"

"There is a very good reason for that."

Whatever Fudou was grumbling under his breath, Kazemaru could tell it wasn't really nice. It was just the beginning of his headaches of the day.

In the end, Fudou managed to annoy Kazemaru just enough to talk him into following his stupid idea without getting murdered in the process. Even when the back of his head was still throbbing from the slap. Kazemaru didn't really need to be talked into secretly following his two friends on the improvised date- he was still far from happy with what Fudou was doing, but someone needed to be the impulse control there. He was really starting to wonder if Kidou made him go to the Teikoku as a player or babysitter.

And so there he was, reluctantly hiding in the bushes near the cafe of their supposed meeting and texting his fake excuse to Sakuma while Fudou watched like some creepy cartoon villain waiting for someone to fall into his trap. How his life had turned into this, he was still trying to figure it out.

"This is a terrible idea..." at this point, he was just debating whether it was worth it to just stand up and leave or keep enduring Fudou for a bit more peace in the future.

"Shut up, I see them!" Surprisingly, Fudou's plan was actually working so far. Genda and Sakuma were finally there, talking about something, though what they were saying was lost to him. Somehow, this stupid set up date idea was really working... until they just left the cafe to go who knows where. And before Kazemaru could even say anything, Fudou tugged on his hood until it hid his entire face and dragged him along, ignoring his muffled protests.

Genda and Sakuma stopped somewhere to get ice cream. Fudou stopped a few feet away, Kazemaru nearly tripping over his own feet behind him. While he definitely did not want to know what was happening between their two teammates and was just there to babysit Fudou, the more this went on the more he felt like he should've just ignored the 2AM texts and stay home all day. Meanwhile Fudou kept dragging him around to follow them, his anger and distress growing with each place they went to without any clear sign of a relationship. Kazemaru could only rejoyce once he heard Fudou's frustrated screams as he watched them enter Genda's house and finally have some privacy. Maybe the afternoon hadn't been a total waste.

The next day, Fudou decided to stuff... something into their lockers. Kazemaru wasn't sure what happened exactly, but going by Sakuma's pissed off face, it couldn't have gone well. At least Genda was there to hold him back and avoid a murder. Where the team would be without him, no one really knew. Kazemaru just wanted to go home already.

Honestly he should've just tried fake confession letters.

Whatever Genda was telling Sakuma, Kazemaru was pretty sure their captain wasn't hearing a single word of it, occasionally nodding with this clearly lovestruck look on his face... or as close as someone with the anger issues (or tsundere, as Narukami jokingly claimed once before getting nearly pounded into the ground) Sakuma had could get. How Genda could still be oblivious to their mutual crush was beyond him. Seriously, it was starting to get ridiculous.

"Go get a fucking room already!"

Leave it to Fudou to ruin the moment. He sure had a pretty twisted idea of matchmaking.

Before Sakuma had a chance to start yelling, Kazemaru quickly slipped out of the room, unwilling to become collateral damage or a murder witness. He really missed the Raimon and Endou's tire problems in these moments.

"Does the locked room thing actually work? We could-"

"Don't even think about it."

"Then what about blackma-"

"No."

"But-"

"Shut up before I make you."

Fudou did, in fact, shut up. He did not, however, give up on his plans. Kazemaru was just thankful they kept failing miserably and without any lasting trauma or injuries.

In the end, no matter what Fudou attempted or tried to convince someone to do, nothing really changed, captain and keeper still oblivious to their mutual crush. Kazemaru wasn't sure if he had finally given up or he just realized the money wasn't worth the pain anymore, but at least the team could go back to their normal chaos. Or so he hoped.

Not like that meant Fudou redeemed himself and decided to stop being a pain in everyone's ass. The poorly hidden shit eating grin as he watched Sakuma out of the corner of his eye in the briefing room was just another confirmation of Kazemaru's slow descend into hell.

When Fudou moved to sit next to Sakuma and Genda moved just as quickly to sit between them, Kazemaru quietly sighed, already expecting a headache to come within seconds, almost praying that for once in his god forsaken life Kageyama would hurry to come, if anything so the whole team wouldn't have to witness a murder. Of course, as fate or universe or whatever other higher being that hated his guts would have it, the one time he hoped the evil man would show up was the one time he was running late.

In his attempts to reach over and bother Sakuma, Fudou ended up digging his bony elbow into Genda's arm and stomach more than once. Despite how sick and utterly done with his bullshit Genda looked, he only pressed his lips tigther together and kept quiet, absolutely refusing to acknowledge the little shit sitting next to him with a holy patience that no human being should possibly have. Sakuma, unfortunately, didn't share that same patience, repeatedly clenching and unclenching his fists and gritting his teeth. To his credit, he did manage to hold himself back from blowing up for a bit longer than usual. Genda putting a hand on his shoulder probably helped.

Then, Fudou elbowed Genda again and in one swift motion, Sakuma took his bag, stood up and slammed it against him, narrowly missing Genda in the process. Kazemaru just started massaging his temple, feeling the dreaded headache already on its way.

"If you elbow my boyfriend one more time I swear to fucking hell Fudou- I will rip off your arms and shove them down your throat!"

A beat. All the chatter around the room abruptly stopped.

Sakuma's rant died down quickly once realization hit him like a bullet train at full speed, his face turning bright red just as fast.

The room was so quiet you could hear a pin being dropped. Genda buried his face in his hands. Through his wild hair, they could clearly see the tip of his ears burning. Even Fudou had gone quiet, eyes wide and mouth hanging open, surprisingly at loss for words for once.

Nobody dared to break the awkward silence, exchanging glances as if asking someone else to do it. Sakuma quietly sat down again, his face still as red as a tomato and his eye carefully avoiding everyone, settling for studying the floor. Genda wasn't daring to look up, pressing his hands harder against his face. They both looked like they were praying for the earth to open and swallow them.

When Fudou opened his mouth once again to speak up, Sakuma snapped. It took Genda all of his strength to hold him back and avoid a murder, as much as he was almost tempted to just let Sakuma free to assault Fudou like a rabid dog. Not like that would actually stop Fudou from being a little shit.

For once, Kazemaru was actually thankful that Kageyama walked into the room before the team could keep further slipping into utter hell and chaos. Sakuma reluctantly returned to his seat, still glaring daggers at Fudou while Genda tried to calm him down.

Once practice was over and everyone returned to the locker room, the newly found couple was swarmed by nearly the entire team, some asking when and how it happened while others just congratulated them and quickly left to mind their own business, quickly realizing that Genda and Sakuma didn't exactly like all the attention.

Turns out, the two got together about a week before the betting pool started. Later, they found Fudou angrily muttering about the lost money. Sakuma greatly appreciated seeing him pissed off, even if he didn't particularly like the bets on their love life. They all agreed to go for ice cream with the money and never start a betting pool like that again.

The next day, Genda moved as usual to sit between Fudou and Sakuma in his poor attempts to avoid a disaster, grimacing when just as he expected, that didn't stop Fudou from still trying to stir as much chaos as he could. When Fudou started to poke and annoy Sakuma, he just slipped on Genda's lap and slapped the back of Fudou's head, proceeding to get comfortable on his new seat with a shit-eating grin and refusing to move even after Kageyama walked in. The man just did a double take when he glanced at them, opening his mouth for a moment before closing it, shaking his head and going to his own seat. Sakuma's grin didn't waver. Genda quietly hid his face in his boyfriend's hair when he heard a few snickers.

Later, Kazemaru overheard Kageyama talking to the assistant coach, bragging over how his plan to bring the team together had worked so well and how thanks to him Genda and Sakuma were such good and close friends that their teamwork would be perfect now. It took him all of his willpower to not repeatedly slam his forehead against the wall.