AN: So on account that this all got horribly out of control, the only thing going into CS&S (now vol. 1!) will be the remainder of 'Homeostasis'. I HIGHLY recommend that you read that collection first, or you're going to be confused as to who people are and what's happening. Lost? I am happy to help you, just ask.

Chapter Management People don't roll into the computer room very often. Jimmy likes it that way. They chatter. They distract him. They...touch things. Usually the only people that come in are the Knight, people asking something for the Knight because he's busy, and Frank, because Frank worries. He brings food. He's allowed in whenever he wants. Everyone else...please go away.

The rubber ducky (a Batman ducky, for Reasons) looms judgmentally as he reaches for his thermos. The stuff in the thermos is green. It's probably not healthy. There's enough caffeine in it to kill a child. (Mark will murder him if he finds it.) BUT the Green fuels him onwards to greatness...or at least a new and improved tracking system. Suck it, Batmobile. You won't dodge these missiles.

Something beeps. Jimmy's initial reaction is panic; who touched something? What's beeping? Beeping is bad. He didn't hear anyone come in, though…

"Sir?" No answer. "Riley? Riley, if that's you, get out. You knocked my duck into the Unreachable Void last time you were here."

He turns around, because to be fair to Riley, he can't exactly...say anything...and sees...yeah, nothing. No one's here-what's that?

A Roomba rolls under one of the tables, probably sucking up Cheeto crumbs and bits of copper wire. Huh. When did they get a Roomba?

Someone, at some point, has spray-painted the, uh, the logo on its back. Sooooo is this, like, the communal Roomba? Man, he needs to go outside more.

Whelp. It can do its Roomba-ly duty and get him food. He traps it under the table, writes, please send food to computer room on a sticky note, and slaps the sticky note on that bad boy.

Food doesn't come. Jimmy resigns himself to being surrounded by ungrateful bastards.

The Roomba returns a week later. Jimmy ignores it, at first, because whatever little robot dude, but then he spots a sticky note. It's not his sticky note; his are green, this thing is boring white. And his handwriting is blocky and neat. This new writing would fit on a Slayer album cover.

The Roomba is not a messenger, do not use it as such.

Fuck you, man. Don't let it go around unattended, then.

He should just leave it alone. He should just let it go on about its business. But. It's just...well…

He can't not do things, okay. It's like...if there's a big, red button that says DO NOT PUSH, he has to push it.

So he hurries up and scrawls a new request for food, swaps notes, and continues on his merry-nonoNO don't make that noise! Don't make that noise! That's the Bad Noise!

Begging doesn't silence the computer. Neither does cradling the monitor and humming a lullaby. Smacking it works, though, so. Sometimes, being a jerk is the right choice.

The Roomba hasn't left yet. This means he can add a nice, passive-aggressive smiley face to his request.

If he dies, he dies.

Jimmy's forgotten all about the Roomba when the little asshole stabs him in the ankle.

Literally, someone's taped a butter knife to it and when it comes in, he's in the way and it stabs him.

Wow.

There's a new note on the top of it. This one is a little angrier-sounding, but it's still the same handwriting.

Don't put things on the Roomba.

Jimmy wonders, a little, if the owner put the knife here or if somebody else did it. Doesn't matter.

YOU'RE NOT MY MOM.

What? They're not. Besides, it's not like-shit. Hang on, Batman Ducky, he's comin' for you, buddy!

The Roomba War goes on for another month before Jimmy gets the idea to...play with...the thing.

And by play with, he means rig it to spit confetti when the Enemy Writer plucks off the sticky note to reply.

He's just gathering his materials when Antoine comes in, bag of Ruffles in hand.

"Are you gonna share?"

"I might. Boss wants to-what are you doing?"

"So I tried to use the Roomba to get food once," he explains, "but some jackass got all sanctimonious at me about it, and it's been a month, and I'm going to win."

Antoine looks at him like he's just won the Dumbass of the Year award.

"Win what."

"Life. I'm gonna get this baby to spit confetti when they pull off the note."

"And you don't know who it is."

"Nope."

"Huh."

He comes over, offers the Ruffles, and picks up the note. This can wait for a second; the Ruffles are cheesy Ruffles and therefore take precedence.

His appetite vanishes when Antoine starts laughing. That's bad. That has to be bad.

"What's happening?" Why is he laughing? "Do you know who it is?"

"Yup."

Shit.

"Is it Mark? Please, God, tell me it's not Mark. I'm beggin' you, man, don't make it be Mark."

"It's not Mark."

"Riley?"

"No."

Uh…

"It's not you, is it?" That wouldn't be so bad. He won't suffer later. And, well, he's right here, within smacking range.

"You should be so lucky." Oh God. "That's the boss's handwriting."

WHAT.

No. No, no, no, no, that's not...no. The Knight just e-mails him about stuff, he doesn't use sticky notes on a Roomba, come on, that's absurd.

"You're fucking with me."

"Nope." Antoine pats his head. "You can keep the Ruffles. You'll need them after you get confetti on him."

There's been a change of plans.

"You're sure?"

"Uh-huh. Good luck."

He's gone before Jimmy can ask him what he wanted, but honestly, he does not care. He hurries up and sets the Roomba oh-so-gently on the ground, pats it lovingly, and sends it on its way.

That could have been so bad.

But man, it was still worth it.

THE END