for aerti week 2019 on tumblr

day 1 - soft focus / hiraeth: a homesickness for a home you can't return to, or that never was

She didn't sleep. Not after hearing all of that. Sephiroth's presence in Midgar was one notion, but reliving the memories she buried years ago? Nothing prepared Tifa for the flashbacks. Not just her own, but those told from a different perspective—one that wasn't supposed to be there.

Because he never was there.

The details Cloud evoked plagued Tifa. What if she didn't remember correctly? Maybe Cloud was there. Or maybe he wasn't. While the others clung to his story, Tifa looked at her feet and waited for this surreal nightmare to end.

No one questioned her blank stare; they all had their share of trauma, in a sense. She braced herself for prying questions. No concerns surfaced. Only the simple wish of a goodnight.

The lights flickered off in the single room they rented, but sleep never came. Thoughts ricocheted within Tifa. She stared at the ceiling. Her forehead wrinkled and she sighed. Even if she did sleep, no dreams awaited her.

Drawing in a deep breath, Tifa slipped out of bed, tip-toed across the lopsided floors, propped open the window, and snuck out.

The air was cooler in Kalm than it ever was in Midgar—crisper, even, and without a tangible density. It reminded her of home. Tifa froze, clinging to a gutter to resist a shudder. After all this time, she still regarded Nibelheim as just that—home. But Cloud didn't lie; a wildfire destroyed the village nestled in the mountain range. What she deemed as home was ash and dirt, the forgotten lives of those who mattered to no one else in the world. Tifa wept for the loss while folk in Midgar had never heard of the place. Years passed and she continued to cling to the memories. But why? With the hope to one day leave the slums and return someplace normal?

Or maybe, she pondered as she pulled herself onto the rooftop, it's the only place I've been truly comfortable.

Tifa sighed and hugged her knees. The wind played with the loose hair not contained in her ponytail. She clung tighter and lowered her gaze. As much as she loathed Midgar and the corporate pigs in charge, there was a silver lining in the slums. She started her own bar. She met those who introduced her to AVALANCHE. She fought for a cause she believed in, despite not always agreeing that the ends justified the means.

She met the flower girl who smiled regardless of what the world threw at her.

A pink hue spread across Tifa's features. She buried her face and groaned. Of all the oddities in her life, she didn't expect the likes of Aeris Gainsborough enrapturing her. There were more serious matters to focus on instead of a pretty girl. But Aeris was more than that; she was kind and enthusiastic and sassy and playful and everything that made Tifa smile. If Cloud and Barret didn't agree to save Aeris, Tifa had no qualms with storming Shinra's headquarters on her own. Anything to keep her safe.

Anything to keep her smiling.

Tifa's lips pursed. Yet another dream to chase, another hope to die out come morning. For all the effort she poured into ensuring her allies didn't lose faith, Tifa struggled to tend that fire she lit within herself. She only wished to share that warmth with someone else. That would be nice. As brief as it might be, at least she could say it happened. Just once. Maybe Aeris wouldn't mind. Tifa cracked a short-lived smile. A moment. Nothing more. That was plenty to get by on.

The building's foundations groaned. Tifa hitched her breath, instinctively lifting her hands in case of an attack. The gutters creaked as pale fingers curled into them. Familiar eyes peeked over them along with a tuft of brown hair.

"Tifa?"

After an exhale, Tifa relaxed her muscles enough to drop her guard, though stayed taut in the presence of the one dominating her daydreams. "Aeris?" She hoped she didn't spit out those quiet words despite borderline choking on her saliva at the revelation. "What are you doing here?"

Aeris raised a brow. "I could be asking you the same thing. Shouldn't you be—" She huffed and struggled to lift herself more than an inch. Admitting defeat, she panted and pouted. "—uh… sleeping or something?"

Tifa twitched her lips and bit her tongue to resist the urge to tease Aeris. "We both should be, yeah. Got a big day ahead of us."

"I guess. I just…." Aeris stuck out her tongue and tried again. No luck. "I've been thinking a lot since… you know… and I thought I heard you get up at some point and when I noticed you were gone, I figured…."

With a dramatic inhale, Aeris wriggled upwards, making it halfway onto the rooftop before she slipped. Her eyes flashed wide, only more so when Tifa lunged out to catch her.

"Got you," Tifa murmured as she eased Aeris up with her.

Was Aeris… blushing? "That you do!" She smoothed out the wrinkles in her dress once situated and heaved a sigh of relief. "You'd think with all the obstacles in the slums I'd be a champ at this sort of thing."

"Sometimes we're not ready for things life throws at us." Tifa lowered her head. "No matter how much experience we already got."

Aeris to duck in to meet her gaze and caught her by surprise. There was that smile again. That look alone melted Tifa—it made her feel safe.

"That's why we look out for each other, right?" Aeris tilted her head. "If one of us falls, the other will be there to catch them."

"Something like that."

"Is that okay?"

Those lovely eyes proved to be more intense than Tifa was prepared for that evening. Tifa looked elsewhere despite her efforts.

"Yeah," she said, albeit with a twinge of melancholy. "Sorry, it's just… I—"

"You don't need to explain anything if you don't want to, Tifa."

The cheerful quality of Aeris' tone waned. It perked Tifa up, out of curiosity than concern—those were words of someone who spoke from experience.

"That was a lot to take in." Aeris tucked stubborn locks behind her ear. "I can't imagine what it might have been like to experience those memories firsthand. It might be in the past, but that doesn't mean it's any easier to live through."

Tifa quirked her lips. "I can't help but feel like I should be over it by now."

"It's okay, you know. To feel that way." Aeris scooted closer and their shoulders bumped. "I think about some things when I was a kid… things I should have moved on from by now… and occasionally it grips me like it's the first time."

Elmyra's story of a young girl crying over her mother's dead body resonated in Tifa. Her face tensed while her hands balled into fists; of all the people Tifa met in her life, Aeris deserved that pain the least.

And Aeris still found a reason to smile. Even now. "I guess it's a reminder of how far I've come along. I like to think the people I've lost along the way would be proud of me." She tilted her head to Tifa. "I'm sure your father is proud of you, too."

Tifa mirrored her smile—something small, yet soft. "He'd probably be scolding me right now for climbing onto the roof. Again."

"Again?!" Aeris shot a hand up to partially cover her smirk and gasp. "And here I thought Cloud was the troublemaker when you two were little!"

"He was," Tifa said, rolling her eyes, though her smile widened, "but I had my share of mischief. Times were… tough when I was younger. I used to climb out of my window and onto the roof when I couldn't stand to be in my room. It was like the walls were suffocating me and I needed to get out, to feel alive." She lifted her gaze to the sky. "I'd count the stars and make up stories about the constellations my teachers spoke of. I remember reading somewhere that wherever you are on the planet, the stars stay the same. I liked that idea—something staying constant amidst a mess. I wanted to see if that was true once I got to Midgar, but with the plates over the slums…." She closed her eyes with a sigh. "I didn't know. Then I forgot. Until now, that is."

Aeris hummed. "I remember seeing the stars every night when I was a kid. Guess it slipped my mind when I came to Midgar, too. Still, I tried to focus on the little things to keep happy growing up." She paused. "I hope you did, too."

Opening her eyes, Tifa flinched. When had Aeris inched closer? The dim streetlights outlined her soft face and veiled the rest in shadows. Even then, her irises remained a vibrant green. Tifa stared in that gaze longer than she wanted to admit, eventually swallowing hard and ignoring her skipping heartbeat.

"Yeah," she agreed. "I did."

Aeris flicked her attention skyward. "And now we have this view."

Tifa kept looking at her. "That we do."

Silence lingered between them for a fleeting moment. Aeris' smile faded as she searched the heavens for something.

"Do you ever think about what you want to do when this is over?" she asked Tifa.

Tifa scrunched her brows together. "What do you mean?"

"It's silly to ask." Aeris laughed at herself, the sound gentler than the occasional breeze meandering into Kalm. "We haven't begun our journey and I'm already thinking of the end."

"No, it's not."

Tifa placed a hand over Aeris'. The act alone garnered Aeris' attention.

"I mean," she said, coughing up the words, "there's nothing silly about any of that. You've been through a lot, Aeris. You deserve peace. You've been fighting long enough."

She didn't expect a kind smile. Or the deep squeeze against her hand. "So have you, Tifa."

Tifa froze and basked in the sentiment. "What about you?"

"That's the thing—I don't know. Most people want to go home and relax, but… I don't know what that is for me. Well—" Aeris looked back to the stars and Tifa followed suit. "—I do think about having a flower shop of my own and opening my doors for any lost kids looking for a place to stay and not charging anyone a single gil, but… that's just a dream. There's nowhere in this world for that to come true. And even if I wished for a million practical things, I don't have a home to return to. I don't want to go back to Midgar, but I also know nothing waits for me back where I came from. And I think about you and Nibelheim and I doubt you have any reason to love Midgar."

"Trust me," Tifa said with a slight snort, "I'm happy to leave Midgar behind."

"Exactly. So… where do people like us go? We know what we want, but what do we do when it doesn't exist?"

Tifa couldn't ignore the pang in her heart. In the short while they had known each other, it was Aeris who provided the chipper spark to the group. But that spark fizzled and left her with a question Tifa wasn't sure she could answer. At least not correctly. It wasn't about the right answer, but what felt true to her—from the bottom of her heart, the bottom of a well she ignored for far too long.

"Maybe," Tifa offered slowly, gently, "it's not about where you want to be. If there's something you want, then make it happen, no matter the location. If it means something to you, then what else matters? And those who it also matters to will notice. Maybe that's what home really means. It's what you make of it."

"And what do you make of all of this right now?"

"The sooner it's over," Tifa said, surprising herself with the ease of the words, "the better. I'm not sure what I'll do then, but it has to be better than how things were before." Her heart skipped a beat. She tried to stuff the horrific images from Nibelheim elsewhere. "For now, I'll take what I can get. Moments like these… they never last forever."

"But we can certainly try."

Tifa held her breath. A soft hand curled over her shoulder and tugged. She floated backwards until she and Aeris sprawled across the rooftop.

Curious fingertips traced random patterns into Tifa's bare shoulder. She tried not to blush, tried not to stare, and yet when Aeris caught her gaze and smiled, Tifa swore she melted into goo then and there.

"So?" Aeris said, her voice almost lost to the subtle night ambiance.

Tifa blinked. "So?"

The hair framing her face now partial veiled her features. "Do you want to try?"

"At what? Making things last forever?"

"Making tonight last."

She inhaled cool air and caught Aeris' scent—a faint aroma of the flowers she tended to. Soon enough, it would fade and whatever scents they gathered in their travels would imbue her instead. Tifa licked her lower lip and reached for her, pushing hair out of Aeris' eyes. Her fingers lingered by her cheek. She wanted to savor it—the floral scent, the supple skin, the warmth radiating between them, everything.

"I wouldn't be opposed to trying," Tifa offered with a crooked smile.

As if on cue, Aeris wiggled in closer. Her hand raced down Tifa's arm while she perched her cheek on the bare shoulder. Now those fingertips danced in Tifa's palm and teased the spaces between her fingers.

"At least it's a good night to do so." Aeris' attention turned skyward. "It's gorgeous."

"Yeah. It is."

Silence persisted between them, but neither Tifa nor Aeris pried themselves free. Aeris continued to nuzzle against her while Tifa basked in the warmth and ignored her rapid heartbeat. Maybe it was in their best interest to go back to bed before someone awoke and found them missing and the window open. The thought almost made Tifa laugh; for the first time in what felt like forever, she was more concerned about someone catching her snuggled up with a cute girl than about anything that transpired in the past few days.

It was like being a kid again, like being back home with nothing to worry about.

She lost track of time, only aware of it at all from the clouds rolling by. Stars glimmered and crept across the night sky. With every cool breeze sweeping by, Aeris shivered and Tifa tugged at her—a quiet offer for her to be closer. And she did, nestling her face into the crook of Tifa's neck until her deep breaths tickled the sensitive skin there.

She regretted flexing her hand with the way Aeris stiffened against her.

"Is something wrong?" Aeris asked.

"No, it's okay," Tifa said. "Just… my arm was falling asleep."

"Sorry, I can—"

Tifa interlocked hands with hers and pinned it to her chest. "Aeris, it's alright."

Was that blush coloring her face? It was difficult to tell in the limited light.

"Is this…." She squeezed Tifa's hand. "Is this okay?"

A smile overwhelmed Tifa's face as she leaned in and bumped noses with Aeris. "This is more than okay; this is home."

Even her eyes smiled in response.

Tifa had to remind herself to breathe while they stayed together on the roof as midnight yielded to twilight. A blue haze enveloped the world. The stars burned away and the remaining streetlights died far before that.

"It's almost sunrise," Tifa whispered into that silky hair. She drifted between consciousness and slumber, not wishing to ignore a second beside Aeris.

As for the lovely lady next to her, she stirred and cooed, "Just a little longer."

"Whatever happened to making the moment last?"

The smallest squeeze in her hand said otherwise. "Five more minutes," she murmured.

Eventually, they would return to the rented room like two teenagers sneaking in past their curfew. Until then, those five minutes stretched out like eternity and even if it wasn't, it was enough to keep Tifa going until the next moment they could try to turn into forever together.