Disclaimer: I don't own anything, everything belongs to those wonderful angels/demons named Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett (R.I.P. :'( )
My point is… my point is … I am NOT a serious author, lol. Let me prove that!
English in not my native language, I beg your pardon. I desperately need a beta, but I can't find anyone. Okay, the first fic I posted here 'went down like a lead balloon ' ^^' , let's try again, maybe I'll be a bit luckier this time…
But he's aware that there's someone who can help him… a certain demon to involve in his 'ineffable' plan.
Runa, baby run!
Chapter I (I): Whaaaaat?!
"We… WHAAAAAT?!"
Crowley was so shocked that he lost his grip on the pieces of bread he was holding.
They all fell on the ground, except for one and he threw it towards the lake. There were three ducks on that spot.
Three very, very hungry ducks and only one minuscule piece of bread. The aquatic birds examined each other, with challenging looks. They eyes moved from that craved prey to the troublesome rivals.
A few seconds later, it was all squawks and lost feathers in the attempt of showing to the other two ducks their own supremacy.
Crowley stared at such show with a pleased smirk.
After all, even if in a much lowered scale, he had managed to spread some sane discord.
"You heard correctly!" Aziraphale insisted, making such unpleasant scenery end.
His holy eyes just could not stand violence, in every form.
It wasn't even necessary a miracle to make the quarrel end, all he had to do was to pick from their shared sack a handful of pieces of bread.
He threw them on the lake with a very good aim, giving enough food to every duck and harmony was immediately back among those birds.
"It's only a temporary suspension of our activities, a break from our usual matters, it's a bunch of more than deserved days of rest and relax, it's…"
"Dammit, Aziraphale! I bloody know what a holiday is!" Crowley snapped, mostly because he just hated whenever someone tried to explain things to him as if he was an utter idiot. "I still don't get why you want us to have holiday together!"
"I reckon it's something that would help us even more to blend with humans; because this is something they keep looking for, I dare to say that they crave it," the angel explained, quietly. "So, I am pretty sure that only if we experience that on our skin… oh, well, the skin of the human shells our bosses assigned to us… we could really understand the value of this human habit."
Aziraphale had embellished his flawless speech, as if it was the most prestigious lawyer's closing statement.
Actually, he had rehearsed a lot, hidden in his library, once he had (kindly) chased away even the last of those dangerous customers who seemed interested to buy his beloved, unfindable books way too much for his liking.
He had looked for the most suitable claims, he had thought about all the examples to use, if necessary; he had dosed the tone of his voice, knowing which part of his speech needed more emphasis.
And all his hard work was proving to be successful.
Crowley was listening to him in deep silence. He had a relaxed posture, with his legs parted, wrapped in those black jeans that seemed to get skinnier year by year, revealing his crotch more and more.
He was sitting on the bench, his arms stretched out along the upper edge of the bench, his head tilted towards the angel. His mouth was a little distorted, because he kept nibbling his own lower lip.
All that was a clear signal that the angel was getting Crowley's utter attention.
And the angel did want to get it so much!
Yes of course, it was important to get as close as possible to every meaningful human experience, but it was another unspeakable truth the real reason why he wanted to do that.
That's true, Crowley and Aziraphale have been hanging around for six millenniums which is a lot of time; but contemplated one by one, they were never long periods. Most of the times, they met each other only for nothing more than a couple of days, sometimes even for a bunch a hours, you know, just the time of a temptation, a redemptions or for saving each other's life.
To manage to convince Crowley would have meant to have the chance to spend two weeks –maybe even three- with him, dividing their time in equal parts.
This is the real experience he was looking forward to test.
"You know what, angel? This holiday thing… it's not bad at all. Pretty cool idea." the demon smirked. His eyes shined but Aziraphale couldn't notice that behind his dark glasses. "So? Where do you want to go? The Moon? Mercury? Mars? Jupiter? Venus? An unexplored galaxy?"
They were very interesting suggestions, too bad that the angel had to reject them all.
"Nope, my dear, actually I was planning something a little more human. A beach. A holiday by the sea. People say that there are high probabilities to get some relax and fun … that is a very interesting mix!" he tried to convince his nemesis and succeeded.
"The sea, uh? Actually, I haven't seen the sea since when one of your frantic characters split it in two in order to make all his people pass through that!" Crowley grumbled, twisting his bust in order to face the angel better.
"Of course, he had to do that! And he reunited the sea just at the proper time, getting rid once for all of your frantic character and his army!" the gorgeous angel snapped.
"Hey, cool down, angel! We're even, as always." Crowley smiled, raising his hands as a sign of surrender.
"So, do you really fancy the idea of spending some time by the sea? I was thinking of Malibu…"
"Oh yeah, Los Angeles, such a sinful city, despite its name!" the demon chuckled.
"It is… it is not that sinful…" Aziraphale jabbered, but he didn't manage to sound as certain as he planned.
Sure, all he had to do was to ignore the immoral style of life, the provocative dresses, the highly corrupting power of money, all the temptations coming from anywhere, mostly by not demonic ways… okay, maybe Crowley had won that battle of words.
"So, are we going on that holiday? Do you agree?" he asked Crowley, but he was almost afraid that he would refuse out of the blue.
"I accept, but only if we take a ride also to Las Vegas, that town does know what a proper temptation is, even more than one!" his eternal sworn enemy/friend/and maybe something more sneered.
At his own peril, Aziraphale shook the hand Crowley was stretching out to him, sealing their deal.
After all, he was about to impose another, more fundamental condition.
"Crowley, there's still something I need to tell you. I want to do a sort of real experiment, such as … how long can we resist acting like utter human beings?" he revealed, once for all.
Crowley took his dark glasses of, in order to show him how the last statement had shocked him.
"Do you mean no miracles?" he wondered, bewildered.
"Not even the tiniest one, from when we pack our suitcases in order to leave to when we are back from our holiday and unpack them. Of course, we'll also travel only with classic human methods." the blond suggested.
Crowley wore his glasses again and stared at him deeply, silent, for several minutes, with an unreadable expression on his face. As if he was the best poker player ever.
Second only to God, of course.
And then he issued the final verdict.
"Interesting. That's crazy, useless, daft; but interesting, indeed."
Aziraphale beamed at him, heartened.
"Alright, so we're going to do that for real. If you think about it, I've asked you about it just in time. February is about to end and I guess that July would be the perfect time for our holiday. And I believe we have to do everything like humans would do… even how to go there." the angel pushed his luck.
Because he actually felt lucky.
"Do you mean… to pay for that? Real money? Not miracle ones? To pay a stupid travel agency? And how are we supposed to get the money?" a very stunned Crowley gave Aziraphale the third degree.
"Well, sometimes I'm forced to sell some of by books, sadly… so I have some money saved, not much, but..." Aziraphale babbled. "About you, well, I don't know, maybe you could sell some plants of yours…"
"Whaaaaat?!" Crowley barked. "I'll never, NEVER ever part from Rhapsody, Crazy Little Thing, Bicycle, Pressure, Ga Ga, Dust, Magic, Want and Miracle! They're mine, they must tremble with my orders! No bloody way they can end up with someone who sings pretty sappy songs to them and decorate their leaves with stupid ribbons!" he snapped, gesticulating frantically. "Well, darling, I'm afraid it would be a tad exaggerate… this way is much better!" the angel went along with him, while he silently wondered what 'fanboy' meant. "By the way, when are you going to give me a plant? So I can call it Best Friend." the redhead murmured, surprising the blond. "I got it! Come with me, angel, I know how to make our holiday come true!" Crowley got up from the bench, dragging Aziraphale by an arm. Crowley managed to find a tobacco store nearby rather quickly and he got in with Aziraphale. "Well, well, angel, let me introduce you to one of these 1990s days' most brilliant inventions: scratch cards." the demon informed him, while they were waiting for the customers ahead to be served. About that period they were living, Crowley adored long lasting hair gel, he had fun modelling his hair like little horns at both edges. It suited him. He had a short cut with a bushy tuft. "What are those things?" Aziraphale asked Crowley with a soft voice, pointing at the small cards.
"Okay, okay, never mind, forget what I said!" the angel calms him down and then he raises his eyebrow, looking at Crowley with an amused expression. "Did you really name your plants after some part of titles of Queen's songs?"
"Hell yeah I did, do you know better names? I mean , I would have called them directly Freddie 1, 2, 3 , 4 ,5,
6, 7, 8 e 9… but that would make me a fanboy way too much, don't you think so?" Crowley asked for his opinion, feeling doubtful; but the most important thing is that his previous rage was only a distant memory.
After all, Queen uncorked a miracle on him, always.
Probably it was another word that Crowley had just invented.
"Oooohhh.." he blushed, giving the other a sly look.
"But.. where are we going?" the blond followed him, as they left St. James' Park.
"Have you ever heard about human people who try to change their lives relying on luck? That's what we're going to do, too." he announced.
Aziraphale stared curiously at those colorful rectangles of paper, spread all over the wall behind the cash register.
Aziraphale had become familiar with hydrogen peroxide, he loved that because it made his blond hair even brighter.
"They also call it instant lottery: you take a card, scratch it and if you manage to meet all the requirements you can win. Winnings go from money enough only for buying another card to… a larger amount of money that maybe won't change your life, but can make it way much better!" the red haired demon explained to him.
"Ooh, this is such a lovely invention!" Aziraphale beamed ecstatic.
"Oh yeah, our queues in Hell definitely increased after that; involving people who ended up losing their house because they scratched those cards way too obsessively or people who moved to way more noxious forms of gambling. Rarely Satan has been in such a good mood!" the other sneered proudly.
"Oh, good Lord, nooo! It's deeply necessary that someone stops this horrible plague!" the blond grew worried. "Well, of course, before fighting it, I should figure out better what I'm dealing with." he grumbled, drawing a coin from his pocket and waiting for his turn.
"Of course, you have to." Crowley chuckled.
(End part I)
Welcome to Aziraphale's ineffable plan, and, trust me, you still have to find out what else he wants Crowley to do for him ;) about the timeline, well, if I understood that properly, in the book Armageddon should be around the end of 1990s (and in this story it's early 1990s, like 1994/95 okay?) while in the show it should be in 2018/19 … and I always prefer to follow the TV series ;) So our guys are free to enjoy some fun, Armageddon is still pretty far ;) Hope you'll like it so far, but mostly I hope it's not too confusing in some parts (I'm writing this in Italian, my native language, so it's not that simple to give some sentences the same meaning … :( ) Please, whatever you think, let me know ;)