She didn't know how long they'd been walking, only that the path ahead was clear. Nothing around her made a noise, or at least she didn't hear anything. The full moon still shone over them, majestic as always, mocking her from the clear sky above. Her thoughts, however, were clouded as could be.
Numb was a good word she thought described her current feelings, thought what did she know? Her teacher, her father, her mentor was… gone. It stung to even think the words, yet the truth behind them was ever present. Lee was dead.
She clambered over a fallen tree, way ahead of the other three. She thought of AJ and what he might be thinking right about now. Of course, he must be devastated, but she couldn't muster the courage to offer comfort when she was an inch away from collapsing herself. A brief look over her shoulder told her he was walking beside Louis, his eyes downcast and his hand rubbing the side of his right arm.
Before she turned back, she spotted Louis looking at her. His comforting smile was genuine, yet his eyes betrayed his intentions. They showed something Clem hadn't seen in anyone's eyes in a long time: remorse. She was about to return the smile when thoughts of the school kids leaving Lee to die in that station rose to the front of her mind, and she thought better of it.
"We're almost there," Aasim's voice came from behind her. It was a weak and tired voice, unlike the commanding one he'd adopted before their venture. "Just a few miles up ahead."
To her greatest relief, they spent those miles in silence, leaving Clementine alone with her thoughts. Thought was a better way of putting it, she mused to herself, as there was really only one thing rushing through her mind at the moment. Lee's yellowing eyes, the blood dripping from his wounded leg, the last breath he'd taken before Clem had pulled the trigger.
She closed her eyes, shaking her head. She had to be strong for AJ. But how could she? How could she be strong when all she'd done up to this point is be strong? Her body ached for rest, yet her mind wouldn't stop. Would it ever stop now, though?
Finally, they were within yards of the school walls. They loomed over them, large and dark against the starry backdrop of the sky. Aasim waved to a boy at the top of a makeshift watchtower and the boy nodded. He stepped down behind the wall and quickly began pulling the doors inward, letting them pass.
She noticed the boy was about to say something, but Aasim wisely cut him off, shaking his head. She was thankful for that, of course, but she could not bring herself to say it. Even before they got to the middle of the courtyard, the leader named Marlon burst through the admin building doors. A girl with fiery red hair was trailing behind him, clearly apprehensive.
"You guys made it!" he said by way of introduction, clapping Louis on the shoulder. He didn't seem to have noticed the grim faces they wore, because he continued, "I was getting worried. How'd it go–"
Without hesitation, and admittedly without prompting, Clementine's fist came barreling into Marlon's face, hitting him square in the nose. Clem heard the distinctive sound of bone breaking, and now stood over Marlon's whimpering form. The girl with red hair glared at Clementine from the sidelines, but she seemed to think better than to intervene.
"You. Massive. Asshole!" Clementine yelled, taking a stride forward so she was standing inches from Marlon. "This is all your fucking fault!"
"Ow, what the hell?" Marlon was saying, covering his face as Clem aimed a kick at his arm. "What do you mean?"
"What do I mean?" Clem said indignant, crossing her arms. "Your stupid executive decision to leave my father behind got him fucking killed, is what I mean!"
"Oh my god," the girl said, covering her mouth with her hand.
More of the kids were starting to trickle in from the dorms, wearing lighter clothes and no boots on their feet. A blonde girl stood beside a tall boy with short straight hair, both their arms crossed in indignation. They did nothing to intervene, however, which Clem found strange. She decided not to comment on it as she kicked his side once more.
"You fucking animal," she said, her fists shaking. Her eyes were watering, tears trickling down her cheeks in her rage. She hated being this vulnerable, yet her temper could not have been kept in check much longer. "If we had anywhere else to go, and I mean anywhere,I'd fucking storm out of here."
"What do…?"
"But since you got us stranded here in the first place, I'll go to my room."
"Wait a minute, you can't just…" Marlon was cut off again, this time by Louis.
"Dude, just drop it."
Marlon looked incredulously at his friend as Clementine led AJ back into the dorms.
"You're kidding me, Lou?" he said.
They kept arguing, but Clem didn't catch any more of it as they ventured deeper into the hallway. She looked around, thankful for a chance to catch her breath. Carved on the walls were dozens, if not hundreds of messages, most of which were vulgar or obscene. AJ led her through the door she had jimmied open just hours before and closed it behind them.
She tucked AJ in, doing her best to keep a passive face. She could tell his mind was brimming with questions Clem didn't know the answer to, but to her relief, he didn't voice them. As AJ lay back and tried closing his eyes, sleep probably at the bottom of his priorities, they didn't even recite the lines they said to each other every night.
Good night, sleep tight.
Don't let a walker bite.
And if it tries?
Bang…
Depositing her hat on the bedside table, she lay on her bed. The same bed she'd been tied to after the crash. Exhaustion threatened to knock her out completely, but she wouldn't let sleep consume her. Because if she did, she knew what she'd find. Even awake, the sound of the gunshot still rang in her ears; deafening, deathly.
For eight years, Lee had been the closest to a father she could have hoped for. She thought of her mom and dad every now and then, yet somehow they'd never had as much of an impact as Lee had on her. Memories of them taking her to the park or to the movies seemed a lifetime away, while Lee's presence still lingered close to her heart, unable or unwilling to let go.
Her eyes travelled over the room to the boy lying on the other bunk bed, already fast asleep. A thin sliver of moonlight was penetrated the boarded-up window and bathed AJ in a pearly white sheen, making it seem as though he were glowing. His hair and clothes were still matted with grime and some blood, and his face was covered in dirt. Other than that, however, he looked peaceful.
She wondered if she'd ever looked like that; as though nothing could ever faze her. The world had gone to hell in a blink, and any semblance of innocence she kept clinging to seemed to have vanished with it. In spite of herself, her eyelids were drooping, and she could do nothing as darkness consumed her.
The following day, the morning sun woke Clem up unceremoniously. She checked a clock that somehow seemed to be running and saw that it was midday. She had a vague memory of having spoken to AJ, yet she could not recall the content of their conversation. The bed on the other side was empty, as was the rest of the room.
AJ must have let me sleep in, she thought to herself, thankful. She tried raising her head to survey her surroundings, but a hard pounding knocked her back onto the hard mattress. She clutched her forehead with her right arm, groaning as a stab of pain shot through her head. Her eyes shut tight, she sighed and laid back.
She looked up at the bottom of the top bed, examining its moldy surface. It had a few holes here and there, but it was otherwise sturdy enough. She was about to comment on them to Lee, when the events of the previous days flashed before her eyes. The hard truth seemed to settle like a thick blanket around her, smothering her.
To her relief, AJ had decided to stay outside with Louis and the rest, doing whatever it was that people did when they hadn't just suffered what she had. She understood him, and yearned to be in his position; to be too young to process such an event and for it to blow past you as another hardship in an already hard world. Sadly, she could not do such a thing.
She lay in her bed all afternoon and well into the night. At one point, AJ knocked and let himself in, offering her to join him and the others for dinner: rabbit stew. When she declined, he frowned and tilted his head.
"You sure?" he said inquiringly. "It's warm and smells awesome."
"I said no, AJ," she said simply. She didn't want to sound so harsh, but she could barely control herself. "I'm not hungry."
Puzzled, AJ nodded and muttered something under his breath. Without another word, he exited the room and left Clem alone once again. She knew it wasn't AJ's fault, but she wasn't about to break bread with the people responsible for Lee's demise. She was sure of it. Concentrating on her hatred of Marlon, her eyes shut tight, she soon drifted off to sleep. Darkness consumed her for a moment before a blinding light made itself present. She shielded her eyes until they accustomed to her new environment.
She was back at the motor inn she and Lee had stayed in when it all started. To her right, Duck was using light blue chalk to draw on the floor. She looked around. A late afternoon sun shone over the group of adults milling about their business.
Kenny and Katjaa were helping Ben drag a couch from the entrance to a weak part of the wall. Larry and Lilly argued about something or other off in the corner. Carley sat by herself on a chair beside the broken-down RV, reading an old book.
"Something on your mind, sweet pea?" a deep voice said from behind her. It was all she could do not to squeal, but she managed to turn around with mild surprise on her face.
"Lee?" she asked incredulously. "What…?"
"Yeah?" Lee said, kneeling next to her. He ruffled Duck's hair and said, "Duck, wanna give us some time?"
"Okay," Duck said, shrugging. He bounded off to his parents, asking if he could help. With some apprehension, Kenny nodded and let him grab hold of the edge of the couch.
Clem was looking at the exchange in silent awe. Something didn't seem right about it, yet she couldn't place her finger on it. Dismissing it, she tilted her head. "What… happened?" she asked.
Lee looked surprised. "What do you mean?" he said. "Nothing happened. Not recently, anyway."
She frowned, looking down at her hands. They were white with chalk, but something else was wrong. They were much too small, and not as calloused as she was used to. She used them to touch her hair, and almost gasped when she felt the two pigtails bound together by Lilly's hair ties. She looked around again.
They all looked rather cheerful, she noticed. Even Larry couldn't help but chuckle as Lilly told him what Clem assumed must have been a crude comment. Someone was missing, however…
"AJ!" she exclaimed, sitting up. Her little boy was nowhere to be found, and no one seemed inclined to look for him.
Lee didn't respond, but Clem caught the pain in his face as he looked away. "Lee?" she asked once again, uncertain. "Where… where am I?"
"I think you know, Clem," Lee said slowly, a sad look on his face. Around her, all noise seemed to have disappeared. Upon closer inspection, she realized the rest of the group had vanished, leaving the two of them alone in the motor inn. A cold breeze was picking up from outside, making the sheets of metal on the walls wobble.
"I'm… dreaming, aren't I?" she said quietly, frowning.
"Afraid so," Lee said, sitting down on a white lawn chair. It was then that Clementine realized how old Lee looked. He had bags under his eyes and a few white hairs had started to appear on his head and beard. He sighed deeply.
"So that means… you're dead," she concluded solemnly. He didn't answer. He didn't have to.
They sat silently for a while, much like they'd done countless times over their eight years together. They would just sit in the back of a car or in a room in an abandoned house and enjoy each other's company. Only now their enjoyment was dampened by the harsh reality of the situation. How could she go on knowing she would never experience one of those silent moments again?
It was not knowing the answer that killed her. The uncertainty of her path became clearer and clearer and a jumble of thoughts threatened to split her head open, fighting for dominance as she struggled to keep them at bay. Emptiness. It was all she could describe the feeling as. A hollow space where her heart had been.
"How could you leave me?" she whispered.
"Sorry?"
"I don't know what to do without you, Lee," she said, louder this time. "All this time, it's been the three of us, and now you're gone and I feel so alone and I just…"
"I know, Clem," Lee said sadly. His face fell. "I can't imagine what you're going through. I wish there was something I could say."
In fact, there was nothing she could think of that would make it better. No matter how hard she tried, her inability to come up with something comforting to tell herself was exactly the thing that prevented Lee from saying the words she so desired to hear, yet couldn't fathom. After all, Lee wasn't real. Not anymore, at least.
She turned to the man but when she did, he was suddenly gone. A soft breeze blew past her as she looked around in search for him. It only took a quick search of the inn to realize it. She was completely alone.
For the next few days, her routine was fixed. She talked only to AJ, who eventually gave up on asking her to join them and just decided to bring her food. As much as she hated to admit it, the stew was pretty good. Her appetite, however, was tainted. She sent back more plates than she took, and the kids had already started to notice she barely touched the ones she did take.
She didn't care about them, though. Deep down, she was thankful they hadn't yet thrown her and AJ out, but she was having a really hard time of coming to terms with saying the words. The motor inn dream had come back twice already, yet she was no closer to coming up with the words she wanted Lee to say. Maybe she just wanted him to say… anything. Anything that would prove the world wrong and let her know he hadn't left her.
Sometime in the afternoon of the fourth day, however, something happened that disrupted her routine. Around six o'clock according to the clock on the bedside table, a knock came from outside. It was a different knock than the usual three taps AJ used. This one was a fast rapping in rhythmic fashion, probably a tune she had heard in her childhood.
She had half a mind to lay back and let whoever was on the other side just wait, but the fight had gone out of her. What's the point anyway? she reasoned. She let out a grunt of admittance and sat up slightly, enough to see who came in seconds later.
Louis, the dreaded boy with the overlarge trench coat, was standing at the threshold, holding a tray containing a bowl and a glass of questionable-looking water. He wore a soft expression, his brows slightly raised. Without a word, she nodded toward the desk. The boy heeded her command and set the tray down with barely a sound. They stayed silent for a while, reeling in the awkwardness of the situation.
"Thanks."
She didn't know why she'd said it. Her mind still knew who was in the wrong here, yet she couldn't stop herself. Something about his expression, or perhaps his posture, had somehow made the word slip out.
Louis smiled a wan smile and nodded. "You're welcome," he said in a low voice, matching Clem's tone. In reality, she spoke quietly because her throat was sore from barely speaking in days, but it didn't matter now, so she didn't bring it up.
Clem thought he would have gone away by now, but the boy stayed steadfastly rooted to the spot, playing with the hem of his trench coat, stroking the fur lining slowly. His eyes, a deep brown with flecks of black, glided around the room. Most of it was shrouded in shadow, but the few specks of light that still shone through the windows crept silkily through the boards, casting elongated rays of waning sunlight on the floor.
"Love what you've done with the place," he said suddenly, nodding approvingly.
She followed her gaze, confused. "I haven't moved anything," she said.
"I know," he said, shrugging, "but it still feels like a brand new room, y'know?"
In fact, she didn't know, but she wasn't about to contradict him, so she chose to stay quiet. She waited patiently for him to announce his departure, probably in some flamboyant manner, but it never came. Instead, he grabbed the back of the desk chair. He dragged it a few feet in her direction and spun it around, sitting down so he was sitting backwards on it and still facing her.
"This was Sophie and Minnie's room," he said, matter-of-factly. "Twin sisters, we lost them about a year ago."
Again, she was at a loss for words. Was he always this conversational, or was he just taking pity in her? Either way irked her, yet she made no attempt to kick him out. This was his school, after all.
His voice broke through her thoughts once more, as if the mere thought of remaining in silence was unbearable for him.
"Are you okay, Clementine?" he asked softly.
"Yeah, just peachy," she snapped, harsher than she meant to. She saw Louis cringe and shake his head.
"Sorry, shouldn't have asked," he said. He stood up slowly, his eyes downcast. He walked towards the door, but Clem's voice cut through the room before he could turn the knob.
"Wait," she said, uncertain on what to say next.
And so he waited, rooted to the spot as if in trance. His head turned slowly to her and he raised an eyebrow.
"Do you mind, uh, staying for a bit?" she asked. She didn't know why she was asking him to join her, but something inside her told her it was fine.
"Of course," he said, almost at once. He walked back and resumed his spot on the chair, gauging her expression.
"You mentioned those twins," she said slowly, trying to string together words that could encapsulate what she was trying to say. "Sophie and Minnie."
"Yeah."
"You said it so casually, like they just went away to another school." She was trying to hard not to sound rude, but her brain was betraying her. Fortunately, Louis didn't take any offense.
"Well, yeah," he said, shrugging. "I do miss them a lot, but it's something we're used to at this point. After a while, you learn to accept it, I guess."
"Have you lost many more?" Clem asked, suddenly afraid of the answer.
"Yes," he said simply. "Many… many more."
She frowned. Maybe this conversation was going somewhere. She tried to tread lightly; afraid he would deem her questions too personal and storm off. To her surprise, he kept the same soft smile on his face, as though none of this were affecting him. She noticed that his dreads bobbed slightly whenever he moved his head, framing his face quite nicely.
"How do you do it?" she said finally, looking down at her hands. "How do you go on after something like that happens?"
"You just… do," Louis said, apparently just as clueless about what to say as Clem was. "No matter what, you keep finding something to fight for."
Clem still couldn't meet his gaze, choosing instead to become quite interested in the patterns on the floorboards beneath his chair. He slumped down on the back of it, resting his chin on his arms and sighing.
"I take it you were really close with your dad," he said slowly, as if testing the waters. Once again, that urge to explode and kick him out bubbled up to the surface, but it was quickly stifled. No more pretending, she told herself.
"Yeah, we were," she said. "He wasn't actually my dad, really, but I came to see him as one. He was the one who took care of me when this whole thing started."
"I bet he was a great man," Louis said, nodding. "I'm… I'm sorry, Clementine."
"Thanks," she said again, not knowing what else to say. "Um, what about you?"
"Me?"
"Have you ever lost someone close?" she asked. She didn't know if the question was too blunt, but at this point she didn't care. Her mind was grasping at straws to stay afloat, fighting to survive, as she had done with Lee half her life.
"I have, actually," he said. "My little sister, Erica."
"Oh, I'm sorry," she said quickly, regretting her previous thought instantly. "I shouldn't have–."
"It's okay," he said, offering her a reassuring smile.
She saw him straighten up in the chair and take a deep breath, his chest rising and falling slowly as he did. The rickety chair creaked as he leaned forward in search for a more comfortable position, and still Clem stared. It was hard not to, she realized. Watching his expression switch from sadness to feigned cheerfulness was interesting, as though his real self was trying to break through his persona.
"It was around five or six years ago," he began. "We were trying to get into a part of the school we hadn't explored in years. For some reason, the adults had blocked it off as soon as all hell broke loose. Marlon sent me and Aasim out to check it out, but Erica was begging to come with us. She was four years younger than me. 'Please, Lou, please. I'll be good,' she'd say, her eyes filled with tears."
"After a while, I gave up on trying to convince her to stay and told Marlon not to worry. We took her with us, and she clung to my arm all the way there. The place used to be a sort of chapel for the school. We never really used it, even before the walkers came. Luckily, the main auditorium seemed empty, so we just checked it out in search of any supplies we could have needed at the time. There were many more of us then."
Clem listened to Louis with rapt attention, to the point where she didn't notice her leaning in and blinking very slowly. She studied his expressions as he spoke; his eyes downcast, almost closed, his brow creased, and his trademark smile nonexistent.
"After like ten minutes of searching, Erica called out to me and Aasim, saying she'd found something. It was a side door to the main office, but it was blocked from the other side. We could see through a small little window that the place looked deserted, so we tried to get in. It wouldn't budge. After a few tries, Erica offered to crawl through an open window over the door."
His voice broke then, and he closed his eyes. Clem gave him time to compose himself, looking on in awe. He made an effort to clear his throat and nod at her. She blinked, and he offered her a small smile.
"I didn't think much of it and we boosted her in. She was there for barely ten seconds when I heard them…" he trailed off, looking somewhere far off. "By the time Aasim and I managed to bust our way in, it was too late. One of the fuckers had a grip on her ankle and another had bitten into her calf."
"Louis, I'm…" Clem could barely find words. Here she was, moping about her loss when the other kids had lost just as much, if not more than her. And here Louis was, retelling this terrible tale to her, letting it all out. She felt as though she wasn't deserving of hearing the rest, but she chose not to mention it.
"I'm so sorry, Louis."
"It's okay," he said, shrugging and slumping his shoulders, very uncharacteristically so. "It was a long time ago. She's… in a better place, I guess."
"I want to believe they are," Clem whispered. Louis nodded gravely. "Louis, I'm sorry."
"You already said that," he said, chuckling softly, some of the color returning to his face.
"No, I mean I'm sorry for being a jerk," she said. "You guys helped me get to him and allowed me to hear Lee's final words."
"You don't have to–"
"Yeah, I do," she cut in, nodding. "I blamed you guys for his death, even though it was my fucking fault we crashed in the first place. And then I took it out on you, on Marlon, even on AJ…" she trailed off. My god, AJ! she thought horrified. She had been nothing but distant toward her boy for days while she sulked and moped…
She couldn't help it. The tears came forth without her command, and the seemed to have taken a mind of their own. Small trickles of salty tears streaked her cheeks, falling to the floor and staining the dust-covered floorboards.
"Hey, it's okay," he said, almost leaping forward and sitting beside her on the bed. He put his arm around her and pulled her close. Hiccupping softly, she melted into the embrace, finding a spot in the crook of his neck for her head, sitting comfortably.
Though the tears kept coming, she felt strangely at peace at that moment. The birds outside no longer sounded dull and emotionless, but rather vibrant and beautiful. The dreary state of the unkempt bedroom seemed merely like a dark room now, rather than the suffocating cage it felt like before.
She sniffed rather loudly and dabbed at her nose with her sleeve. Louis's arms still wrapped around her, she looked up at the boy. His deep brown eyes regarded her with something she'd seen in them before: remorse. He managed a bigger smile for her, and once again she noticed the dimples that formed in the corners of his mouth.
"Louis?" she said suddenly, smiling back.
"Yeah?"
"Thank you for coming and talking to me," she said, looking down at last. "I guess just I needed to hear… someone out, y'know? I'm glad it was you."
"My pleasure," he said, nodding. He turned his head slightly and looked at the bowl on the desk, its contents probably much too cold now. "Hey, you wanna join us for dinner tonight? Aasim and I found a bunch of rabbits today so Omar is whipping up a nice stew for all of us. Should be about ready by now."
She thought about it, looking down at her hands. For all the reasons she could think of not to go, one singular reason in favor trumped all the rest. Louis, a boy who knew next to nothing about her, had relived one of his worst moments so she wouldn't feel as alone, and for that she was thankful. Her smile returned.
"Yeah, I'd like that," she said, and together, they walked toward the door, through the threshold, and into the hallway beyond, their stomachs ready for a nice, warm meal.