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History Lessons.

Path Two: Assassin.

Assassin, the Servant who kills in the shadows. This young man of the cloth, Kotomine Kirei, had received his proof as a Master, the seals of command on the back of his right hand, exactly three years ago. His father had called this early manifestation a precious gift from God, and then suggested Kirei to choose Assassin as his Servant for Heaven's Feel, the Holy Grail War of Fuyuki City.

"It is for the best interests of mankind," elegantly purred the green eyed, dark haired Tohsaka Tokiomi, sipping from his glass of the finest red wine. The three men were secretly gathered in Tohsaka's exclusive Fuyuki villa. "Only a magus from one of the three original families could master what lies in the Root after accessing it. The Einzberns have lost their way; the Matous, their power. Only I could use the Holy Grail for what it was intended at last, and for that I have secured the relic of history's greatest hero. It would be pointless to war against each other, Kirei-kun."

"I understand your point," the younger man told his mentor quietly, standing respectfully in his presence. "I have no wish for the Great Grail myself, so I don't desire to fight you for it." All of this was true, too. Kirei's heart was empty, and that meant he had no personal ambitions to speak of. At least, none he wished to think about, much less share or follow.

"That's excellent," his gray yet jovial father approved. "Then let's join forces for the greater good. No matter what happens, Cup cannot fall in the wrong hands. Out of everyone in the Church and the Magic Association, only we share common ground. We won't make they mistakes they would commit, fighting only for their own interests. You will support Tokiomi, and for that, an Assassin to strike behind the scenes as our friend leads the charge is the best alternative."

"That is very logical, Father," the other priest nodded sedately. His heart took no joy from serving others, whether his associates' intentions were truly sincere or self-serving to a degree, but he still knew that was his duty. A tiny part of him briefly flickered inside, alive for once, at the fleeting idea of sending someone to snuff lives treacherously, but he quickly silenced it, his face ever stoic. "I will do it, of course. I have all of my faith on Tohsaka-sama's capacity to achieve victory with our Lord's help."

And those words sealed the fates of all three of those men.

"Let thy body rest under my dominion, let my fate rest in thy blade. If thou submitteth to the call of the Holy Grail, and if you wilt obey this mind, then thou shalt respond, child of Hassan-i-Sabah."

Summoning an Assassin was easy as long as one had the marks of a Master. No relic was necessary, just the intent to invoke the Class and the mention of the Old Man of the Mountain during the ritual. Assassins were by default the disciples of the Order of Hassan, its elite killers. Which was why Kotomine Kirei and Risei couldn't believe what they'd see the night selected for the summon, shortly before the sixtieth anniversary of the Third Fuyuki Heaven's Feel.

"I make my oath here," Kirei chanted the in the darkness of the church. "I am that person who is to become the virtue of all Heaven. I am that person who is covered with the evil of all of Hades."

Standing behind his son, Risei grew excited, absently rubbing his sweaty hands together, as the floor under them began glowing. Completely unfazed, Kirei kept on the incantation, his attention never wandering.

"Thou seven Heavens, clad in a Trinity of words, come past their restraining rings, and be thou the hands that protect the balance…!"

And then, a major explosion of light, and a sublime ecstasy of triumph pumping through both men even as they were momentarily blinded. Kirei regained his sight first and then only could gasp in shock and awe that were so new and alien to him. For what stood before him now could not be one of the League of Assassins. It wore all black, buta ll resemblances to the illustrations in his textbooks ended there.

This was a grotesque caricature of a hypermusculated man, skin chalk white, smelling of pooling sweat and cheap wore black leather pants, black boots and fingerless gloves, and an open leather jacket, that of a Hell's Angel biker, showing off his massive hairy chest. His hair was black, long, wild and scraggly, and his eyes bloodshot red, as evil as those of the demons Kirei had often hunted as a Church Executioner. In his mouth a smoking cigar, in his right hand a huge metal hook attached to a long rusty chain. Around his waist, a belt with dozens of gun holders and several pouches stuffed with grenades, knives and plastic explosive.

"Yo," this man growled, waving a hand. "I'm Assassin. Call me Servant an' I rip yer fraggin' faces off. Which one of ya pedo dweebs called th' Main Man here?"

"You're not a Hassan," Risei faintly said.

"Last time I checked, no, I wuzn't, Gramps," Assassin chuckled gruffly. "Why wouldja care? You stiff-necked penguins just gotta way better than that. F'get 'bout desert dwellin' pansies in Halloween masks, you fellas hit the jackpot! It's me, Lobo! Number One super duper hitman in th' whole fraggin' galaxy! If it lives, I can kill it fer ya, an' if it doesn't, I'll revive it an' then kill it again!"

Kirei, his initial surprise abated, bowed. "It is my pleasure, honorable Assassin. I'm your Mas—summoner, Kotomine Kirei, and this is my father, Risei."

Lobo blinked, then looked around. "Wait. 'Tis a Catholic church, right?"

"That's correct."

"An' yet you're… dad an' sonny-boy?"

Both priests nodded.

"How does that even work, your adopted or—ya know what, nevermind! Like hell I care! What matters is, if dat pansy-ass infodump voice back there wuz right, I'm here ta kill a whole lotta Servant freaks fer ya an' then collect all Quartzes 'til cows come home, okay?!"

Kirei nodded, deciding to ignore the whole strange tangent about Quartzes. Must have been a cultural quirk of this Servant's race, whatever that was. "Indeed."

Assassin grinned evilly from ear to ear, yellow fangs chomping down on the cigar. "Music to my ears, Clyde! Now we're talkin' th' same language. What are we waitin' fer then?"

"Um, for the other Servants to materialize," Kirei replied.

Lobo blinked. "Ya mean I'm the first?"

Risei nodded. "I'm the appointed Supervisor for this War. All participants should register with me before entering the fray."

Assassin ran a hand down his own face. "Well, frag! Those candy-asses better not take long! In th' meanwhile, what if we hit a brothel 'til then?"

"We're men of God!" Kirei reminded him.

"That didn't stop your daddy from spawning you, Pretty Boy!" Assassin snarled. "What, you contented with altar boys then? Th' Main Man doesn't swing dat way! That tape from Noonan's wuz doctored, I tell ya!"

Risei sighed. "I'll take you to one, Assassin. I figure it's the least I can do for your services."

Kirei stared at his father.

"What?" the old man defended himself. "I happen to do community work there, trying to steer those poor sheep away from a life of vice and decay. Only that, and nothing else!"

"You ain't taking me off to go screw literal sheep, are ya, Gramps?" Assassin asked.

Across the worlds, through the eras, the Holy Grail War may take myriads of ways. It may be a desperate contest between stray children from a prior ritual, it may be an advanced simulation staged on a lunar colony in the far flung future. It may be a final stand against the demons that would erase human history from the seat of the King of Magic, or a bloody succession war in Ancient Rome. It may even be a televised games program or a demented car race. Sometimes in swimsuits.

But all of them feature the new against the old, the female principle against the male, the scrappy underdog against the grizzled and confident old dog of war with thundering jaws to match its bite.

The Fourth Fuyuki Heaven's Feel was no exception, as Tohsaka Rin faced Gilgamesh, peerless King of Uruk, in the former's palatial home.

The golden monarch began his strike with a bout of hearty laughter able to shatter any normal child's faith and self-esteem. "Bwa ha ha ha ha! You, my Master?! It is to laugh! From any grown man, I'd consider that claim a capital crime," at this point Tokiomi discreetly rubbed his own throat with a subtle flinch, "but from a child it is such a sweet jest! How laughable pitiful innocence can be at times!"

Rin pouted, pointing at the Command Seals on the back of her hand. "I'm not joking! See this? It's the proof I summoned you!"

He wiped the tears of laughter from his serpentine red eyes with a finger. "Poor youngling! It was my own willpower that brought me here where I'm sorely needed. You were at best just a conduit." Looking around the room, his gaze fell on Tokiomi, who had fallen to a knee before him, his head low. "From your appearance and the fear in your eyes, I deduce you are the insolent girl's father, aren't you?" he coldly asked him.

"Insolent…?" Rin-chan murmured, a small vein bulging on her forehead.

"Indeed, Sire," Tokiomi humbly said. "Please forgive her. She is used to dominance, as we are of a higher status than our contemporaries. A lower family would have never achieved the miracle of contacting someone of your magnificence."

Gilgamesh wasn't impressed. "If you are the best these times have to offer, then I truly fear to see the rest." He looked at the Kotomines next, pausing before Grail induced knowledge settled in, and he recognized their attire for what it was. "At least you had the good sense of bringing representatives of your faith for the occasion. High priests at the very lowest, I would expect…"

"Well, well, well!" an even taller figure said, appearing behind an uncomfortable Kirei and smoking a large cigar. "So 'tis the front guy, huh? Nice style, Goldilocks. Who's your hairdresser? Ma'am Fifi?"

Gilgamesh sneered, visibly disgusted at first sight. "Ugh! And who is this ill-smelling mongrel brought to offend my senses? Am I supposed to exterminate him?"

"This is my Servant, Assassin, Your Majesty," Kirei quickly said, while Tokiomi discreet but hastily pulled Rin towards himself protectively. "He is here to deal with all threats below your royal notice."

"I see," Gilgamesh grouched. "A lowly enforcer… Couldn't you have gotten someone better for me?"

"Hey, mister!" Assassin growled. "Lowly nuthin'! I'm th' best money can buy! I've razed thousands o' planets down ta th' ground! I'm Lobo! Motherfraggin' Main Man! Killer f'r hire extraordinarie, or however dat's spelt!"

Gilgamesh smiled venomously. "I hope you won't pretend I should pay this mercenary's salary from my pristine wealth, meant only for the noblest endeavors. Or will you?" he added dangerously.

"Never would dream of imposing that upon you, Sire," Tokiomi said, hands firm on Rin's shoulders to keep her quiet. "Assassin's fee and all related affairs are Kirei's responsibility. You will see, he is my disciple, of sorts, and we have thought of a plan that we think will make your victory even more—"

"You would believe I wouldn't be able to easily win this War on my own, no matter who would face me?!" Gilgamesh bristled, on the edge already.

"Not at all, of course we have the utmost faith on your legendary abilities," Tohsaka quickly replied, "but we also have thought we shouldn't bother you with anything below your importance…"

"Man!" Assassin grumbled. "What a buncha pants-wettin' pussies ya high fallotin' wizards turned out ta be! Guy just walks into yer own house an' you start whimperin' f'r mercy, right 'fore yer own kiddo, as soon as he looks your way!"

Gilgamesh smiled again, and Kirei already was taking notice of how mercurial he could be. "Cowardly indeed, don't you think? But there's wisdom on fearing the King's wraith, at all."

"Mebbe. Me, I've never been keen on wisdom an' stuff like dat!"

"I can tell."

"Yup, dat's me awright! An' proud of it too! I don't care at all f'r all dat stuff!"

"I'm glad you're aware you're a festering, fetid, rancid and revolting ignorant, offensive to the eyes, ears and smell of all that is good and refined," Gilgamesh said.

Assassin grinned from one ear to the other. It was a terrible thing to behold. "Goldie! Mebbe I wuz wrong 'bout ya! Ya flatterer, y'have just painted The Main Man down to a tee!"

Gilgamesh laughed again, shaking his head. "I like that you know your place, mongrel!"

"That, I do! And yer right, I'm the most sordid son o' a fraggin' bitch ever!"

"That's rich! You're so conscious of how much of a thoughtless brute you come across as!"

"Why thank ya, Clyde! I do my best effort on keepin' my public image, after all! Wouldn't wanta make folks ever think I've gone legit or sumthin'!"

Rin's eyes darted back and forth between the Servants, who stood their ground against each other forcing wide clenched murderous grins, then she asked her father, "Is this what they call the start of an odd friendship?"

Somewhere in Finland, for some reason, a very young Luviagelita Edelfelt sneezed.

"Okay, mebbe we can get along after all, Goldie! Just 'member!" Lobo pointed at Rin and told the King, "I saw 'er first, so in ten years, first dibs on dat ass are mine! Got that?!"

Archer shrugged. "You can have her. I have a feeling she will grow up to resemble someone I'd rather forget, after all!"

Rin made a small but very pronounced frown. "I'm not sure what are they talking about… but I'm sure I don't like it at all!"

Her father had simply gone too pale and blood drained to speak at all, eyes hopelessly wide open and sweat blanketing his whole face.

Night fell over Fuyuki City, and we turn our eyes towards another residence of a founding family for the Heaven's Feel ritual. Several familiars were on guard around the grounds of the Tohsaka palatial estate, just out of range enough to keep an efficient watch without disrupting enough as to be wiped out in retaliation. While the wards around the walls of the manor kept mundanes from seeing or hearing anything extraordinary happening within, familiars were enchanted with the means to bypass such measures more or less easily.

Matou's insects in the trees. Sajyou's crows, lazily flapping around the premises. Lord El Melloi's mice, scurrying along the sidewalks in nervous patrols. Many are the espionage tools of the magi, a society used to distrust and mutual backstabbing, especially in the eve of a momentous occasion such as a Grail War. And all those watchful eyes bore witness to this particular War's opening salvo, signaled at first by an apparently innocent but decidedly unusual tiny new star suddenly streaking through the clear skies.

"NAAAA-TURAL BORN KIIIIILLERRRR!-!" howled a madly joyous voice as a large flying vehicle zoomed from above towards the manor. Elongated to a disturbingly phallic degree and ornated with macabre skull motifs, it was unlike anything the Masters had seen before, and so was its driver, now visible as he came close enough, scratching his stomach while singing hideously, "BORN IN A WOOOORLD GOOO-OOOONE MAAAAA-AAAAAD!"

With bated breath, each scrying Master waited. Their familiars stuck to their spots of surveillance, watching this monstrous man clad in black leather hover above the luscious gardens, past thick brick and stone walls protecting the secrets inside from the eyes and ears alike of those not initiated in the mysteries of magicraft. Then this hulking being hopped down to land boots first on the carefully manicured lawn, gleefully brandishing a large, rusty hook and chain around.

"Yo!" he called out with a roar that would have alarmed the whole neighborhood, if not for the standard magus privacy measures. "Tohsaka Tokiomi, time ta pay th' piper, ya bastitch! Come out an' play if yer mommy will let ya, ya bearded big chicken! An' bring yer Servant too, assumin' he's man 'nuff ta go a few rounds wit' th' Main Man!"

It was not unheard of for Servants to display boisterous or eccentric, even often unpleasant, behavior. Madness was a frequent part of the genius that would elevate a soul to the Throne of Heroes, and magi who entered this most dangerous of games were advised to keep this in mind. Even so, this Servant startled even the hardened Zouken and Kayneth as he marched towards the front doors of the mansion, scratching his crotch with a hand while the other shot around a massive handgun, not the kind of weaponry expected from Legendary Spirits.

"I'm comin' fer ya then, big baby!" the brute yelled, blasting the heads of several statues of illustrious ancestors of the family. "Ya better prepared two elegant an' fancy graves, one fer ya an' one f'r whatever scrawny punk ya managed ta summon! Not that I'll leave 'nuff of either ta fill a—"

And then another voice, confidant, manly and haughty, filled the air. Much more refined but no less harsh and callous in each pompous word full of arrogance and pride. "Who is this noisy worm who would crawl from the gutter to try and disturb the King's rest? Nobody, that's who!"

"Who the frag…?" the intruder grunted, looking up. Standing on the rooftop of Tohsaka's house with his arms folded, a golden figure of flashy and virile posture presided over the scene, a picture perfect image of what magi thought when told the words 'Heroic Spirit'. Of this, there was no doubt whatsoever.

The golden man laughed. "Only a simple vagrant! A mad mendicant who soiled himself and now knocks on my door, begging for attention! Very well. I am generous with the unfortunate who lost their minds, so I shall let you partake on a few of my treasures before your demise!"

"Partake on this, nancy-boy!" the other Servant barked, taking aim and shooting at the golden man's chest plate, the shots each bouncing harmlessly off the armor. At the same time, the blonde gestured, darkly amused, and the air above him rippled open and opened itself, two large holes in the fabric of time and reality suddenly vomiting a myriad of sharp instruments of doom down on Tokiomi's lawn.

The familiars twitched and shook, and their masters could only gape at the fabulous display. Furiously, the twin sources of blades bombarded the unfortunate Servant with a primal symphony of war sounds that shattered the night, as hundreds of swords, daggers, scimitars, sabers, knives, and assorted cutlery descended on their common target, quickly reducing it to a fine red mist…

The Masters, from their safe vantage posts, gasped. Nothing human, or that had been once human, could have survived that. And yet, now the brutal barrage had finally paused, the feral invader still stood defiantly, with a grin even. His clothes were reduced to shreds and his body bled copiously all over, but he remained firm on his feet even now, while dislodging a screwdriver from one of his temples, ignoring the shower of blood bursting from the wound.

"Really, Clyde? Really?!" With a disgusted snort, he tossed the screwdriver and the now useless hand cannon away, and instead pulled out a pair of really big machetes, one for each lacerated hand. "'Kay! That wuz a neat trick, I'll admit it. Care ta see if yer just as good up close 'n personal?"

The demigold of gold raised an eyebrow. "Oh? Interesting… Looks like being kicked so often has made this mongrel as tough of skin as he is on mine sublime eyes. Hah hah!" he laughed, pulling two longswords out of his vortexes and leaping down to strike at the wounded Servant with them. "Far from my honor to deny a dying man his last wish! If you are even a man, that is!"

"Ask any girl an' she'll tell ya I am, Blondie!" his adversary growled, blocking his first downward slash with a machete. Despite being pierced all over and through with all manners of sharp weapons, looking like a walking pin cushion of swords more than anything else, he still moved fast enough to match his agile enemy as the two fought along the ruined lawn, blades continuously clanging against each other. "How 'bout ya?! I've seen girl scouts rougher-lookin' than ya, bastitch!"

It was the first battle between Servants in the Fuyuki Fourth Heaven's Feel.

And it was hell on Earth already.

The ancient versus the modern. The elegance versus the crude, raw brutality. The beauty versus the ugliness. The earthly versus the alien. The front lawn of the Tohsaka manor was witness to a clash for the ages as Archer and Assassin collided bestially, time and time again, bashing dual machetes against twin longswords. Neither fighter was stylishly skilled, but they moved with power and killer instinct to more than compensate for it.

"I must confess, you have surpassed my expectations, mad dog!" Gilgamesh congratulated Lobo, with a smile that was as gorgeous as it was cruel. "You never shall be worthy of sitting by my table, but I still might throw some scraps out my window to fill your belly, if you know your place as to wait outside!"

"Yer not too weak either, pretty boy!" Lobo laughed. "But don't let that go to your head! Whatever ya do, tonight Tohsaka Tokiomi draws his last wine-filled breath!"

"I call no man my master!" Gilgamesh growled, throwing a feint that fooled Lobo and gave him an opening to chop the Assassin's right arm off. "But your very existence offends me, so I will not allow it to succeed, just on general principle!"

"Psche! Ya think dat's gonna slow me down?" Lobo swung with his (in every sense of the word) left arm. "It'll take more than dat to..." A moment later, Gilgamesh sliced again, this time cutting Assassin's head off his neck with a geyser of blood. "Okay, okay, dat's better!" the head said as it flew up. "Still not 'nuff, ya know! I've been in worse fixes...!"

"Ugh!" the Archer sneered, leaping back from the blood before it could stain his shiny suit of armor. Again, he folded his arms, and a single, large vortex appeared over his head. "You have wasted more of my time than you deserved to. Let this be thy judgment! Depart my presence, foul one!"

And again, the weapons rained all over the area, piercing and shredding and splitting and chopping, covering every bit of flesh left in the ruined grass, mutilating and pulverizing relentlessly until all that remained of Assassin were a few droplets of blood seeping into the ground.

The battle was over. And the winner was clear now.

Tokiomi only could stare, aghast, at the smoking ruin that used to be his valuable gardens now. With both hands stuck to the glass of his window, his mouth hung open, his eyes open round. Behind him, Kirei stood feeling, for once, something remotely close to amusement, although not enough as to move him into a smile.

Gilgamesh appeared in the library room, smugly tossing his red cape around his shoulders. "A most pointless pantomime," he said on arrival, "but it has been a long time since I last performed in a play, so I shall overlook this slight. I was the first ever actor, I will let you know! My magnificence as a thespian lit the first stage in Uruk, showing the road for all generations to come! You mongrels have so much to thank to my talents."

Somewhere in the Throne of Heroes, Emperor Nero sneezed.

Kirei nodded his way. "A wonderful performance indeed, Your Majesty. My congratulations."

Tokiomi finally could pull away from the window, rubbing the wetness from his green eyes discreetly. Eyes on the Grail, eyes on the Grail, he mentally admonished himself. The Root will make it all worthwhile in the end.

"Yes, your contribution is much appreciated, O King of Heroes," he said, forcing a stoic tone. "This display will make any Masters think twice before attempting to disturb you, and afraid out of their feeble minds, they will be easy prey. Assassin's endurance made for a much more effective show than a Hassan perishing quickly, as well. The bigger the obstacle, the more notorious your greatness at overcoming it."

"The credit is all mine!" Archer sneered, incensed. "And I only went along with your foolish suggestion out of consideration for a child! She better watched me being awesome, Tokiomi. Hopefully, I will make your lineage's stupidity stop with you!"

Tohsaka flinched inside, his considerable pride as an aristocrat hurt yet again by this demigod. "I… I thank you for your kindness to Rin, master of all you survey…"

Gilgamesh smiled haughtily. "A child is a fool who still has a chance to improve upon growth. The overwhelming majority of adults are fools already too old to change their ways. And speaking of fools…"

Several drops of thick dark blood were flowing in under the library's door, quickly coming together in a puddle, and then forming at first a madly bubbling blob. Then said blob grew several layers of coarse, dense white skin. The men saw the amorphous figure before them pull itself back into a humanoid shape while growing in size; bone and tissue and veins and arteries reconstructing themselves in moments. First the large bare feet were complete, and then the rest of the structure that would be supported by them, a brutish skeleton over which muscular flesh crawled quickly. Entrails were formed, skin and capillaries reaffirming themselves all around them, wrapping them in a robust, strong frame, taller than any of those present. And soon, before them stood a newly revived, fully naked, just as hairy and surly as ever Assassin.

"I'm hungry!" he growled.

Gilgamesh laughed. "You are hilarious, Assassin! Abusing you is so much better than quickly dispatching a Hassan peasant! Truly, massacring you does wonder to vent the royal stress out!"

"Yeah, yeah, yer lucky a good merc thinks of no job as under 'em!" Lobo grumbled. "Not the first time I've taken a scripted fall, but if we ever get to blows fer real…"

"… I will just make what transpired here tonight look gentle," the King boasted. "But perhaps I will keep you around after this charade of a quest is over. Beating you up is so much fun!"

"I hate this guy, I really do," Assassin shook his head. Then he slammed his hands together, roaring at Kotomine. "Yo, Padre! Ya deaf or sumthin'?! I said I wuz hungry! Just lost all stomach contents back there fer yer sake, ya know! Ya disciples of dat hippie are all about feedin' the needy, aren'tcha?!"

Kirei nodded quickly. "My apologies, Assassin. I will go after something to placate your belly," he said before moving out of the private library speedily.

"And don't forget tossin' some brew in too!" Lobo puffed through his nose after the priest left. "I never can tell if he's snarkin' when he says those things. What's up wit' that guy anyway?"

"Could you please just put on some pants already, Assassin?" Tokiomi wearily asked.

"What's th' hurry, Pops? Ya gotta bad case of wang envy? Get used ta it! I won't touch yer wife 'cuz dat's unprofessional, but 'member, in ten years, an' assumin' yer kid doesn't turn ugly…!"

Gilgamesh smiled at the thoroughly disgusted Tokiomi. "Were I unfortunate enough as to be you, mongrel, I'd start overfeeding your daughter and looking for a plastic surgeon with no scruples…"

Assassin relaxed under the sun, sitting on a floater at the middle of the Tohsaka Pool, with a can of beer in a hand and sunglasses on his grinning face. "Yeah, man, t'is the good life!" he laughed to himself. "Who woulda thought it, Japan ain't that bad after all! Babes are a bit too flat f'r my tastes, but other than dat, I could get used ta visit dis dump every once in a while!"

Aoi approached the edge of the pool. "Excuse me please, Assassin-sama, sir… but, would you terribly mind putting on some shorts, or at the very least swimming trunks, while enjoying our pool? We have a child in this house, after all…"

"Yeah? An' how izzat my fault?" Assassin growled. "Not my blamed responsibility if ya heartless parents didn't move yer kid away 'fore this whole bloody brouhaha started! Honestly, th' nerve of s'me people… Keepin' their brats around during them dangerous times, an' then whinin' when they get their spines ripped off, or get an eyeful of good ol' Main Man Meat… Typical fraggin' soccer mom! Good thing I offed mine 'fore kindergarten!"

Aoi's face twitched a little. "You know, Assassin-sama, I do think you might be right to some degree, and I apologize to you… INDEED, I THINK WE MIGHT HAVE TO REMOVE SOME 'LITTLE FRIENDS' FROM HERE RIGHT NOW!" she howled madly to make a Berserker proud, pulling massive chainsaw out and swinging it dangerously towards Assassin's crotch while turning it on.

He yelped, then began paddling away in the opposite direction. "'Kay, 'kay, got th' message! Feetal's gizz! I'll go fer some Speedos or sumthin' already, lady! Damn! Wuz startin' ta catch some cold on th' family jewels already, anyway…!"

Once upon a time, there had been a perfect, peaceful land where a superior race lived secluded from the rest of a chaotic universe. These beings had achieved a status of enlightenment where all countries in their planet had erased the concept of borders and embraced each other as a whole. All men and women viewed each other as beloved brothers and sisters and lived accordingly, working together to eradicate concepts as pollution, famine or war. They created an utopia of clean streets, pure air, and harmony with nature. It was a truly happy and self realized world.

Then one day, a baby boy was born.

The child was, physically, no different from any other in that paradise, perhaps just slightly bigger than the average, but not really bigger than some others, either. But while all prior newborns of his species had, during recorded history, been well behaved and quiet, this one ripped and tore his way out of the womb, savagely cutting his own mother from the inside in the delivery room. Then, just as soon as he emerged with a feisty burp, he jumped for the throat of the doctor and claimed his second ever victim. This respected physician was fortunate, since for him, it was over quickly. The grinning little white creature took his time with the confused nurses.

That first outburst sated, the child's father somewhat managed to rein him back for the next few years. The utopia had abandoned and forgotten the notions of punishment and imprisonment eras ago, and so the wild child was allowed to walk among the perfected society, more or less quietly at first, the occasional maimed nanny or podiatrist aside. But then a momentous time came, and the child entered school.

Tribb was the first one to recognize him for what he truly was, to accuse him on it, to warn others, just to be ignored by her peers and superiors. This respected educator was the child's first and longest lasting tutor, and her keen mind recognized the signs of something different in him. In turn, he seemed to spur on the worst of other children, who abandoned their own steadfast principles of civility to gang up and bully on him. This proved being a grave mistake, for not only this little reprobate was even meaner, but also stronger, faster and smarter, and soon he was the only one to show up for Miss Tribb's morning lesson, smiling and bathed on blood.

Tribb broke the taboo and left the planet in terror, foreseeing the tragedy to come. This spared her from the genocide, even though years later her former student would find and frag her regardless, truly becoming the last of his species. But this was still far ahead into the future. For now, the child was growing up into teenagehood, letting his hair grow as wild as his rebellious strike, stumbling from one academy to the next, showing a blatant lack of interest on the conventional education but forging his own brand of self-formation. He somehow found a way to gather communication signals from other planets, mostly to listen to disruptive, obscene and brutal lyrics of alleged music he would call 'heavy metal'. He learned the ways of the most feared and cruel empires of the galaxy, the Khunds, the Dominators, the hordes of Apokolips, from their spacefaring transmissions. He called them 'kewl, man!'

He also began dabbling into chemistry and mechanics.

And one day, without any warning, he unleashed the lethal airborne black plague on a planet that had not known of serious illness through millennia. He sat back, listening to his rock 'n roll, as he watched his compatriots roll over and die in long drawn agony, their own healing factors overcome by a disease he had just injected himself with the only batch of cure ever. He chuckled, then laughed, for days as the grotesque show of neighbors and strangers alike turning around from inside, vomiting their entrails all over the streets, until the once pristine Eden was quiet once again, this time with the calm of the dead spreading everywhere.

Then the young man finished his beer, tossed the can back over his shoulder, belched, and growled a pleased, "Well… time ta hit th' road, then! 'Twas fun, folks!" He jumped into a vehicle of his own design that Kirei already knew well, turned it on, and fearlessly blasted out into space with a lengthy perverse laugh…

"- Kirei! Kirei, please, wake up!" his father was begging him, grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him. "Good Lord, boy, I was worried! You weren't waking up no matter what!"

"I… I wasn't?" Kirei blinked, sitting up straighter on his church office chair, rubbing his sweaty forehead. That dream… that powerful feeling of raw evil and carnage only for their own sake… "Sorry, I believe I dozed off, that's all… What is it, father? What is the urgency?"

Kotomine Risei sighed. "It's Tokiomi. He has just called. He wants, no, demands to know where Assassin is right now…"

"Whaddya mean I'm not welcome here?!-?!" Assassin bellowed in fury, waving his hook and chain around. From the upper tower of the Fuyuki Einzbern Castle, Irisviel von Einzbern looked down in concern at her lawn, where Saber, Archer and Rider sat sharing large jars of liquor (even the pegasus unicorn, who somehow just kept hers levitating before her) and facing the raging bull of a man in black leathers. "You've gotta lotsa guts, tellin' the Main Man to frag off!"

Gilgamesh frowned at him. "This is a Banquet of Royals, fool! What good are you here? You don't even begin making for a decent enough waiter, like the mongrel over there. Begone already! You sour the King's mood with your mere presence and stench!"

"For once I must agree with the Archer, you are not wanted in Milady's domains," the blonde Saber said, pride and disgust tainting her noble voice with a slight sneer. "It's not just that you are crude; your vileness goes beyond your manners and extends over your whole soul."

"WHICH soul?!" Assassin demanded. He turned to Rider, who seemed more amused than anything else, other than the comment had made on Waver, which she had scowled at. "How 'bout ya, Gladys? Yer another snob, or what?"

Rider chuckled heartily, handing Lobo a full cup with her telekinesis, which the bounty hunter accepted with a grunt of thanks. "I've never been against partaking and partying with my subjects, and even the humblest guard can make for a pleasant partner, Assassin. However, the three of us did make an agreement this was to be, as Archer called it, a Banquet of Royals. On my honor, I also must stand by that decision, taken before your arrival here. Surely a self-proclaimed man of his word like you will understand."

Assassin finished chugging his drink down, then threw the jar away, hitting a yipping Waver Velvet in the head. This earned him another glare from Rider. "Izzat so? You only had ta say it 'fore, Gladys! No problemo then, fer I am, also, a King!"

Saber, Archer and Rider just stared, sour-faced at him as he said this, slamming a fist on his chest.

"Being the King of Idiots doesn't count, mongrel," Gilgamesh told him.

"I'm serious, Mr. Broken Record!" Assassin huffed. "Mongrel this mongrel that, get some new material already, willya? Anyways, since I'm the last an' only one of my whole species, I can give mesself any title I fraggin' want ta! So I proclaim myself Lobo the First, King of All Czarnians, that is, me! Long live the King, baby!"

And proudly, he belched and sat down on the grass, reaching over for another jar to fill.

Gilgamesh rolled his serpentine eyes around. "If your species is all but extinct already, perhaps there's still some justice to this universe."

"You said it, Goldie!" Assassin guffawed, eyeing the wary Saber lasciviously. "Mind, I've thought of restarting th' race every now an' then, an' I'm in a good mind ta breed right now, but truth be told, we're all much much better without those geeks!"

"Hm?" Rider raised a thin and elegant eyebrow. "You don't seem the least sorrowful about the loss of your people."

"Frag no! An' I wouldn't call 'em 'people' or 'mine'! Buncha no-goodnik peacenik clowns, they're all much better off dead if y'ask me!"

"So, who disposed of them?" Saber asked, feeling like she knew the answer already, and greatly dreading that she wouldn't like the confirmation in the slightest.

"Me, of course!" Assassin grinned, and Saber's face sank in contempt at this completely expected answer. "Rubbed 'em all off so I could be King of the World, babe! After all, wit' me around, what need is there for any more Czarnians?"

Archer shrugged, taking his next drink. "I'll agree that, if they spawned you and allowed you to wipe them out, then they deserved it."

Before Lobo could nod enthusiastically, however, and shocking everyone present, Rider stood up violently, dropping her latest jar in outrage. "Confound you, you… fiend!" she roared at Lobo. "I thought of you as a just an uncouth eccentric with an enthusiasm for combat and conquest, but… but this! Only an aimless lunatic would annihilate his whole own species!"

"Well, duh," Assassin calmly said. "Thanks fer the nice words, Gladys, but what gives? Don't tell ya made it into office by bein' a choir girl yerself! Ya musta killed an' pillaged all across yer fairytale mudball with a happy smile on dat ugly horse mouth!"

"Goodness, I'd never-! But even the warlords of my world would only attack foreigners, other nations! That's what warmongering, wrong as it is, is all about! Not about massacring those who would be your own followers, your… friends! For, what good is a sovereign without subjects? I will teach you the true meaning of kingship, you… pretender!"

She lifted a long white leg and its hoof, shouting, "Come forth, my magical domains of wonder! In the name of the friendship we all have shared! Listen to my voice! Equestria: Magical Land of Harmony!-!-!"

Lobo grinned as the whole castle and its grounds were swallowed by a sudden, racing hurricane wind, magically planting the most beautiful flowers and trees one could imagine in all directions, as far as eyes could reach. And he slobbered madly while pulling two obscenely huge butcher knives out, facing the hundreds of racing horses and unicorns, several of them wearing battle armor, and incredibly fast moving flying pegasi zooming for him, appearing everywhere around them.

Rider had just been flanked by six smaller colorful mares, staring down at him in stern judgment.

"Ohhh, yeahhh!" Assassin smacked his lips together. "Massive cruelty against animals, comin' up! Now THIS is a damn party!"

Matou Zouken leered demonically, lurching over one of the quivering, bound children Caster had trapped in her workshop. "Now be quiet," he told the little boy, holding a large, writhing millipede between his bony fingers and mere inches away from the child's tear stricken face. "I think I've found a way to make Caster's transformation procedure even more efficient, but I need a few test subjects first. Oh, she'll be so impressed, and rather jealous too, when she—"

The wall behind him exploded then, sending the ancient wretch slamming against the floor, where he rolled back onto his behind, reaching over for his cane. "What the devil?!-?!"

The hulking white man he'd seen attacking Tohsaka's Archer, the Assassin, stomped into the workshop under Matou Manor, holding Caster by the throat. His clothes were singed and part off his hair still in the same green fire coming from the dark fairy's hands, but he seemed not to care as he tossed the heavily battered female Servant aside.

Assassin pulled a Cuban cigar out of his pants and lit it on his own smoking black mane. "An' what do we have here, hmmm? Man, no wonder they wanted me ta find ya guys! Ya filthy pedos musta taken half the brats in dis stinkin' town inta dis kindergarten o' yers!"

"Ah, the other brute," Zouken seethed, pulling himself up. "Actually, I'd been waiting for a chance to meet you. I've seen what you are able of, and also that you hardly have any moral scruples, so why not to join us?"

"Sorry, Baldy, but no way Jose. I wuz told ta find an' rub ya off, an' the Main Man never goes back on an assignem—assiggymen—a job!"

"But just think!" Zouken insisted, while Caster dusted herself off indignantly and waited to see how the negotiations turned out. "My intellect, Caster's craft, and your raw power… we would be unstoppable!"

"I don't need ya ta be unstoppable, Buggy! Find yerself a better angle!"

Zouken snarled venomously, slamming his cane down. "Be honest, now! Do you really like obeying the Master pulling your chain as if you were a mad dog?!"

"Hell, of course not! But a job's a job, no matter how much of a pansy the Boss is! Basic working ethics, Wrinkles! I wuz told ta frag ya, an' that's what I'm gonna do, period!"

"Fool!" the old man wagged the cane at him. "Who's your Master, and what do they care about these stupid children? Don't tell me you do, either! So what if we're growing slightly more noticeable than usual? That won't matter at all once we've reached Akasha!"

Assassin shoved him back. "Don't get mouthy wit' me, Adult Diapers! First, whoever my Master is, dat's no fraggin' biz of yers! Second, I don't care one iota if ya Harry Potters wanna play in secret or not, but th' almighty dollar sez, if I wuz paid ta rub troublemakers like you off, then damn if that's not right what I do! An' third! 'Course I'm no bleedin' kid-mindin' heart! Feetal's Gizz, I took out all brats in my planet along wit' everyone else! But, this!"

He pulled a gun out and shot one of the gagged, chained children in the middle of being torturously transformed into more of Caster's imp soldiers. "Only a spineless coward turns twerps inta goons ta fight fer 'em instead of fightin' their battles themselves! Now dat, Clyde, does sicken me! Cowardice! Ya can't even face th' music without tryin' ta sweet talk me like I'm your stupid dancin' monkey!"

Zouken bristled furiously. "Do you want me to fight you personally, Assassin?! Fine with me! I killed Jack the Ripper with my own two hands, an ox like you will be nothing in comparison!"

A gigantic swarm of twisted, bulbous insects appeared buzzing all around him, and with a wave of his hand, he sicced them on Assassin, the monstrous bugs chomping and gnawing madly at his flesh, all over his body.

"Flies an' bumblebees, f'r real?!" Assassin laughed, shaking and swatting the carnivorous fliers off himself. He reached over to flicker Zouken's forehead with a middle finger and knocked him out. "Ya big baby! Yer lucky ladies go first, so sit back 'n wait 'til I've danced wit' the babe…"

Grinning cruelly, he turned around to face Caster. "Yo, Sweetums! Th' Man's gonna give ya a big goodbye kiss! With tongue, even!" he laughed, taking the rusty hook in his hand.

Caster glared in extreme anger at him and chanted ominously, shrouding herself with flames.

"Now shall you deal with me, O Assassin, and all the powers of Hell!"

"See, now dat's what I'm talkin' 'bout!" Lobo approved, seeing Caster transform herself into a gigantic black dragon, with horns and wings, all but bursting out of the workshop, crushing its unfortunate captives under dropping debris. "You're even on all fours fer me already! Gonna tell ya right now, I've slept wit' uglier chicks before, dis ain't gonna discourage me…"

She roared a titanic pillar of fire on him.

Assassin stood before the burning Matou Manor, still mostly on fire himself, and with his hands stuck in what remained of his pockets. "Stupid broad couldn't recognize a good man when she saw one..." he was grumbling to himself. "I thought it coulda worked too..."

Matou Kariya staggered towards him, gasping agonically. He could feel the painful tugs of Berserker's prana on him as his Servant took on Saber half a city away, but as soon as he'd gotten news of the fire, he'd left all of that behind and rushed here desperately. He pulled on the Servant's jacket as best as he could, pleading at him.

"Oh my God! Sakura-chan! Sakura-chan's still in there! You've got to save her...!"

After a few tugs, Assassin finally noticed him and swatted his hands off. "Hey, don't get so touchy, Clyde! Who knows what kinda sickness do ya have, what if it's contagious?! Some folks just don't have any civic whatchacallit!"

"My Sakura!" Kariya begged. "Go in there and save her, please! She's only an innocent victim in all of this!"

"So are all th' other brats trapped there, what do ya want me ta do, ta be some sorta elitist, an' give 'er a special treatment?" Assassin grouched. "Just wait fer the firemen an' their adorable dalmatian mutts! Seriously, Ugly, way ta bother a dude who's been having a bad day awready..."

"I'll pay you!" Kariya cried.

Lobo's red eyes went very round, there was a tiny 'Ka-chink!' sound coming out of his head, and his face spun around so he could smile very wide and hypocritically at Kariya.

"Why, of course, I'll be glad ta help ya, Sir! After all, a good workin' citizen like me would do anythin' fer a worried dad or whatever's child...!"

"Oh, thank you, thank you...!"

"How much do you have in there?" Lobo curtly asked, smile lost just as soon.

Kariya blinked, madly looked into his pockets, and pulled out some scarce spare change and a few mint candies.

Assassin took them off his hands, gruffly counted the coins, and shrugged, pocketing the change and downing a mint. "Eh. Fer a quick grab 'n bring job, this' a fair cop!"

"T-Thanks..." Kariya gulped, seeing him walk back into the inferno and soon walk out with a small bundle wrapped into a blanket. "Sakura! Sakura!" Kariya sobbed, running to them... and then doing a double take as he saw his nephew Shinji peeking out the bundle and blinking back at him. "Weren't you studying away?!"

"I'm as surprised as you," Shinji confessed.

"This... This isn't Sakura-chan, you huge moron!" Kariya screamed at Assassin. "This isn't what I paid you for! In the worm pit! She's the one in the worm pit of the basement!"

"Sheesh!" Lobo said. "Okay, man! Sorry! Who can blame me, all your stupid lil' human girls look the same ta me!" He carelessly threw the shrieking Shinji aside on the sidewalk and stomped back in.

Another moment later, he walked back out, now holding a very quiet and staring-into-the-distance Sakura, with a small twirl of her hair on fire, in his arms. "This better be her, and not one of th' others I had ta step on in my way there an' back!"

"Sakura-chan! Sakura-chan...!" Kariya wailed, taking her in his embrace and hugging her tightly.

Sakura just kept on staring into the horizon. "I wish for the destruction of the whole of mankind," she softly said to no one in particular.

"Aw, ain't she cute!" Assassin smiled. "Now I see what do ya like in her...!"

Kariya quickly left the city with Sakura (and Shinji, if anyone cares) leaving the carnage of the Grail War behind right in time. With Zouken dead and Berserker being soon killed off, he still managed to survive a shocking ten years more after that, somehow, even if they were spent in the terrible physical pain of insects constantly swarming under your flesh and eating you alive.

Sakura became a world renowned fashion model and bagged some redhaired guy as her boytoy husband. She didn't get to destroy the worlf but became good friends with the Kardashians, which is almost just as bad.

Shinji achieved nothing remarkable whatsoever during the rest of his life.

I am unbound at last! the tainted Grail said, hovering with such a blinding brightness Kiritsugu had to look aside, covering his eyes with a bleeding forearm. You fools! By 'winning', you have merely damned your world to an eternity of—

"Yo there, Cuppy!" Assassin greeted it casually. "Nice ta find ya at last. Not like I care an iota about what happens to this slimeball ya dweebs call a planet, but while in that Throne of Heroes brothel thing, and lemme tell ya that's the boringest whore house I've ever been at, some of the bitches hired me to repay ya on a few things they went thru..."

The Grail focused its attention on Assassin for a moment, then gasped. Oh, no. It couldn't possibly be you! How comes, what is this I don't even—

Assassin lit a cigar on the power the Grail was radiating, took two puffs, and aimed a particularly large, even for his standards, hand cannon on the (un)blessed cup. "Somethin' from the boys, man."

He pressed the trigger. For a few moments, Kiritsugu truly thought the world had stopped existing.

Perhaps he was right.

"Well, with that, I take my leave of this mudball! 'Bout damn time, too!" Assassin said, hopping on the space bike he had built himself after pillaging through the remains of the Ryuudou Temple. "Gotta be some real jobs to pull out there..."

"Um, aren't you going back to—" Emiya reluctantly asked.

"Where, the Throne of Heroes? HAW! Nah, it explicitly told me it didn't want me back, ever! Well, good luck, Clyde! Sorry 'bout the dead wifey! NAH! Not really! BWA HA HA HA HA HA!" And he took up towards space. "YEEE-HAAAAA! The night's still young, and I'm still not sated...!"

Kiritsugu could do nothing but blinking, staring up, way up, at the bike becoming a speck in the night sky. He stood completely alone at the middle of the wreckage blanketed by ash that used to be Fuyuki City. "I wonder what had him killed in the first place..." he blandly mused.

The bleeding head of one Kotomine Kirei popped out of the ruins. "... Medic, please?"

Kiritsugu kicked him back down. HARD.

To be Continued.

Assassin.

Identity: Hahn Sho Lobo (roughly translated from Khund as 'He who Devours Your Entrails and Thoroughly Enjoys It'.)

Titles: The Main Man, The Ultimate Bastitch, Killer of the Cosmic Royalty.

Alignment: Chaotic Evil.

Attribute: Star.

Natural Enemy: Superman.

Likes: "Of course it's booze! An' broads! An' lotsa an' lotsa carnage an' bloodshed! Those are the things a real Main Man craves! An' then there's my fishies, naturally. Th' only creatures in this fragged universe you can call noble an' graceful an'… Don't laugh now! Even if you're my Master I'll blow yer stinkin' face off!"

Dislikes: "It's gotta be pansy do-gooders like Supey an' Goldstar, that creep. I can't stand them goodies who do things without expectin' fer a fair reward! What are they, idiots? They make things harder f'r the rest of us hard workin' fellas!"

Parameters:

Strength: A ++

Mana: D

Endurance: EX

Agility: B

Luck: A

Noble Phantasms: B

Class Skills:

Presence Concealment: F (Trust us… Don't ask. Okay, it's actually E, but he said he'd kills us if we didn't give him an F, pleasedonttellhim.)

Unusually for an Assassin, Lobo never made a point of carrying out his murders in secrecy, and unless bound by wording on a contract he'd rather kill his prey as noisily and with as much collateral damage as possible, all to increase his infamy as a troublemaker and sate his bloodlust. However, while he eschews making his own involvement into assassinations a secret, he has no real interest on divulging who ordered him to commit a hit, and can be persuaded on the subject with relative ease.

Independent Action: EX. (See also From a Single Drop of Blood…)

Lobo has been banned from the afterlife, as Heaven, Hell and Purgatory have all declared him persona non grata. This, coupled with his amazing regenerative properties, has rendered him functionally immortal, and he can remain in this world indefinitely even after the death of his Master. Besides, Lobo is fully willing to consume human souls to sustain himself in case of need, and odds seem likely even the Throne of Heroes doesn't want him around and will pawn him off on Earth at the slightest chance. It's unknown what could ever kill Lobo and send him to the Throne of Heroes in the first place. Probably the heat death of the universe, but in any case it's for the best not thinking about it.

Personal Skills:

Battle Continuation: A

Lobo is a stubborn son of a bitch who will not surrender in battle until his opponent is dead, no matter how maimed, mutilated or wounded he may be. Even when overwhelmed by superior numbers or force, he is a natural born master of clean getaways, which he often uses to set up ambushes and counterstrikes.

Animal Dialogue: C

Lobo, for all his many moral flaws, genuinely loves a species of space dolphins he's sworn to protect, and he's fond of Earth dolphins as well. In general, while he cares little to nothing about other animals, they still seem to attach themselves to Lobo, and at various points a gorilla, a bulldog and a flock of vicious Frag Penguins have been drawn to him as his pets.

Noble Phantasms:

From a Single Drop of Blood…: A

Lobo's miraculous healing factor, inherited from his Czarnian species, allows him to regenerate destroyed or missing parts of his body in seconds to minutes, depending on the seriousness of the wound. Even regrowing his whole head after having it exploded will only take him a few hours at most, and in the meanwhile Lobo's headless body can keep functioning, although blind and erratic. Lobo can revive eventually even if all that's left from him is a single drop of blood; in life this ability used to be even more fearsome, allowing Lobo to create clones of himself from each drop of spilled blood, but thankfully it was neutered by Vril Dox, commander of cosmic law enforcement organization L.E.G.I.O.N.

Space Hawg 666: B.

Lobo's ride through the spaceways, a sleek, dark rocket motorcycle able to fly unscathed through black holes and loaded with all manners of deadly weaponry. While Lobo is a master at riding this vehicle, that doesn't give him the Riding ability, as he tends to destroy most other vehicles he takes and to kill all animals he mounts, space dolphins aside.

Honor of The Main Man: C

While Lobo is crude, callous, vulgar, careless, selfish, amoral, unhygienic, indecent, repulsive, cynical, greedy, abusive, inconsiderate, gluttonous, perverted, envious, aggressive, mean, loud, petty and cruel, he's a man of his word and once sworn to do something he'll do it no matter the odds against him. However, Lobo only follows the strict wording of what he's promised, and attempts to fool him into acting against his will tend to backfire horribly, as he'll find loopholes to turn unwanted orders against those who issued them, something to keep in mind when using Command Seals on him.

Lobo hates pretty much everyone, but a few individuals have gained his good graces: downtrodden cosmic driver Space Cabbie, Lobo's favorite diner owner Al and his waitress Arlene, vitriolic best bud Etrigan the Demon, and the members of superhero team The Authority. Should you join this short list, this Noble Phantasm's effects will keep you from suffering serious injury during Lobo's rampages, although humiliation and affronts to your dignity and self esteem will invariably happen.

Beginning of Battle: "Say yer prayers, Clyde! It's fraggin' time!"

Attack: "Frag ya!"

"Gonna feed ya ta the buzzards!"

"GANGWAY!"

Victory: "Fragaroonie!"

"Frag-a-tastic!"

"Izzat all? F'r real! Bah! I had a harder time wastin' the fraggin' Easter Bunny!"

Defeat: "Feetal's gizz...!"

"You... You damn bastitch... I'll get you next time...!"

Defeat by Noble Phantasm: "Fraggin' pansy, you! You had to... cheat to stand a chance...!"

Noble Phantasm Activation: "TO THE PAIN!"

Dialogue Samples:

"Santa, huh?! I wasted Santa Claus once, yanno... Wanna me to go fer an encore?" (When you have Santa Artoria Alter, Santa Altera or Samba Quetzalcoatl.)

"What is this? Brats?! Hey, Clyde! I'm no one's fraggin' babysitter, this never wuz in the contract!" (When you have the Berserker Louds.)

Summoning: "This crap again?! Feetal's gizz! Oh well, I'm Assassin! But I'd rather go with Lobo! Th' Main Man! Numero Uno primo mass killer f'r hire, atcher service… 's long as ya can pay wit' lotsa sweet mana prisms an' quartzes an' medals, of course!"

Birthday: "Happy birthday, Clyde! Let's start early an' go hit the nudie bar already! What? You don't know any? Dat's okay, we can start our own!"

Event: "Wuzzat? Some kinda party? Awright! Let's go there, dweeb, on th' double! The Main Man never misses on a party he can crack up ta twelve!"

Holy Grail: "A wish? I already gotta all I want from life! I'm free, strong, feared, smart an' incredibly handsome! But I guess I coulda wish fer a few million credits or sumthin'!"