If there existed a higher being in this world, then they must be sadistic fucks that have allowed their conscience to be eaten by stray dogs. Not only did Kai's first encounter with a resident in this world fall short, but it also proved that someone above finds his misery to be highly entertaining. He was going to raise a beautiful middle finger at them before going to bed tonight to show how unamused he was.

A pained groan interrupted his internal screeching and he twitched violently at the sound, his 'escape from reality' mechanism cut short in the face of overwhelming anxiety. He flails, reaching for a pocket and a cellphone that wasn't there, and it only made him panic more when he remembers his current whereabouts - where ambulance services were literally non-existent.

Fortunately, just as Kai was about to have one of the worst epic meltdowns in history, Tajima's cold hard instincts took over.

There were two women in Tajima's futon; pale, sweaty and frothing at the mouth. A split second was all it took for an inner switch to flip. Looks like it hadn't been just the original goods that got poisoned.

There was no time for his misanthropic tendencies to make an appearance once instincts took control of his actions. It felt as if all control had left him, as if he was hovering over Tajima's body and looking down at it as it made a mad dash towards the groaning women, meticulously counting their pulse whilst scrutinizing them for more symptoms that could help with identifying which poison was currently in their system.

Kai was confused at first when his new body suddenly stood up and ran, abandoning the women to their twitching and groaning. With the help of Tajima's shinobi education, however, it didn't take him long to connect the dots. He prays to Jashin he was wrong in his assumption. Uncaring about the roughness of his actions, he slams the shoji doors open on his way out, undoubtedly breaking them whilst at it.

As soon as he was inside his- Tajima's children's bedroom, he blanched. Two children were lying unconscious on the lone futon inside the room, and after taking a split second to confirm their identities using Tajima's memories, Kai once again flails. The two buns were having a violent seizure, frothing at their mouths like the two women, and having similar yet more severe symptoms.

Kai didn't hesitate to rush out of the house and dash towards the clan's infirmary, which was, fortunately, not far from their home. The healers startle at his loud and unexpected entrance, but he didn't care about his disheveled appearance right now; windblown hair, crazy eyes, and bare feet were unimportant in the face of saving Madara's and Izuna's lives. The Naruto series won't be fucking Naruto without its antagonists!

He can't remember what kind of jumbled alien speak he barked out, but his words were understood and it made two healers pack all of their equipment in a rush. Without further ado, they sprinted to Tajima's house post-haste, and when he anxiously calculates that they were moving too slow, he didn't care about men-women boundaries in this era and wrapped his arms around both the healer's waist, throwing them over his shoulders and speeding up.

They were compliant, only struggling for a few seconds before relaxing at his manhandling. He mentally notes to ask for their forgiveness after all this was over, knowing that his action was more inclined towards sexual harassment, no matter how pure his thoughts were.

As soon as he entered Madara's and Izuna's shared bedroom via the destroyed window curtesy of Kai's earlier loss of composure, the healers dropped to their knees by the children's bedside and started unpacking their tools.

Kai loomed and hovered behind them and got kicked out for being too loud in his fretting. Ok fine. He deserved that. It, however, didn't stop him from anxiously biting the nail of his thumb and pacing back and forth outside the bedroom door. It felt like half a day, but only half an hour passed before one of the healers came out and demanded to see the other patients.

Kai was then guiltily reminded of the other two who were still suffering in his room and quickly guided her there. The healer only gave a slight pause at the sight of Tajima's infidelity before she resumed her professionalism and proceeded to extract the poison. Whilst she did that, she began to educate him about the aftercare dos and don'ts of poisoned victims.

Kai's mind was too distracted, however. His primary focus lay solely on the children's health. He'd rather be there with them than remain here, listening to nothing but muffled white noise, to alleviate the anxiety he feels. Just as Tajima's manicured thumb was all but destroyed by his gnawing, he was startled into head jerking when the healer physically had to extract herself from the patient to hold his shoulders.

Breathe.

He needs to breathe.

Butshewastouchinghimletgopleasestoptouchinghim-

She, thankfully, took a step back and returned to treating the patients. He was able to breathe like a normal human again. Before he could flee, she spoke. It wasn't white noise this time.

"Tajima-sama. I'm doing my best at extracting the poison. However, they will remain in critical condition from overexposure. Furthermore, it is unfortunate that I am unable to do anything about their pregnancies. I'm afraid that the poison has circulated inside their bodies for too long, they've already miscarriage."

... Healing lady say what now?

Pregnancies? As in plural pregnancy? Tajima only has one wife, one! Not two! What the fuck. Scum! How shameless were you to not only demand a threesome but also impregnate your mistress in front of your unwilling wife?! Really too disgusting ah! A slag man through and through! Pei pei pei!

Kai wanted to vomit blood.

Sure, he has body dysphoria once in a while (he hates humans but he's human so yuck), but never to the extent of wanting to claw his own skin out. To be in the body of a fuckboy when in mind he was an asexual... Kai was beyond pale and had to bring up a hand to cover his mouth. He feared he would puke if he didn't.

"If I may be so bold... after I am done with treating them, will you allow me to check you for poisoning as well, Tajima-sama?"

Kai almost broke out in hives. He really, really didn't need this right now. "N-no, there's no need-"

The healer wasn't having it, however. She cut him off with a no-nonsense, firm tone, "There might be a chance that slow-acting poison had been used on you. Your skin has turned pallor and your forehead is covered in cold sweat."

"I'm fine-"

"I apologize, but I must insist that you allow me to check your health to avoid future problems!"

"I'd rather not."

"May I ask why?"

"... I don't feel sick."

"That's not an excuse."

Fuck. Whatever! He would agree and then flee. Pigs would fly before he ever complies with a medical checkup. To have someone else touch him? Fuck no. Gross.

"... Right. Fine. Is that all?"

"Yes, Tajima-sama. Thank you for your understanding."

"... Yeah. Sure."

With a grimace, he shuffles into the bathroom and shuts the door. Okay. Not a day into his transmigration and he had already fucked up Madara's BG plot. Great. Uchiha Madara was supposed to lose his younger brothers at war. Not infighting. What was he supposed to do now?

Kai buries his face into his palms and slides into a foetal position.

He fucked up.

He seriously fucked up.

If it had been the original goods, he would have realized sooner that his family had been poisoned along with him. If he had acted sooner, the two women would not have miscarried and Madara would have four younger brothers, not just Izuna. One of the two must have been carrying twins. Or he was forgetting something. But he was too distracted to think too much about it.

Even with Tajima's memories, Kai was inexperienced at dealing with interfamily feuds.

Okay. What's done was done. Time to brainstorm. The question should be; what can he do to set the plot back into place? Impregnate Tajima's wife three more times?

Kai's whole body broke out in hives just at the mental image of having sex with anyone. He was an asexual male with misanthropic issues. Just because he transmigrated into someone else's body did not mean he would have their sex drive. Sexual orientation differs from person to person. Personality differs from person to person.

He breathes.

That was all he could do right now.

Just breathe.

It took someone knocking on the bathroom door to snap him out of his misery. Exhaling, he grabs a copper mirror (which was ancient FYI). Better look the part of Tajima if he wants to live Tajima's life from now on.

The man that was reflected in the mirror made him gag, however. He had to swallow down the urge to laugh hysterically at the reflection's expression, which was almost unhinged. The short undercut bob was a mess and its pair of dark eyes crazed.

Kai uses his mantle's long sleeves to hide his trembling hands from sight.

Uchiha Tajima's features were aristocratic and handsome, looking no older than twenty. Damn if he hates how handsome the original goods was. How can someone with such a disgusting personality have such a beautiful outward appearance? God truly was hateful.

Biting his lower lip, Kai could feel a throb of indignant radiating from his heart.

His hair color, skin color, eye color, features, and ethnicity were all wrong.

Kai was supposed to have brown hair, darker skin, and hazel eyes. The reflection's, Tajima's, has black hair, pale skin, and black eyes. Its cheeks were filled and far too healthy without an ounce of undereye bags or dark circles that insomniacs have.

It was all wrong. Kai hates it. More than usual.

"Tajima-sama?" A feminine voice drifted into the bathroom, muffled by the door, but loud enough to startle him.

He grimaced, but one look at the reflection told Kai that he would need to work hard to suppress all facial expressions from ever appearing on this face. Uchiha Tajima looked barely sane as it was. A grimace made him look ready to kill. So, with a deep breath, he wiped his face clean of emotions.

For now, he should act in a way that did not scream 'imposter'. Shinobi were paranoid creatures on good days. So how would Tajima act in this situation? Tell the person to go away? Open the door? Grunt like Sasuke? He digs deep into his memory, both Kai's and Tajima's.

Kai may be an avid Naruto fan, but he knows next to nothing about Uchiha Tajima apart from him being a paranoid bastard who was also a child killer. And fanfiction portrays him either as a strict father or an abusive one. Kai, obviously, did not know how to act as a parental figure, and he refuses to be an abusive person despite his misanthropic tendencies. Refuses!

So how was Kai, an otaku (oh Jashin, he would be technology-deprived!) from the 21st century and far too dependant on the internet, supposed to survive in this era and act like a veteran shinobi who has probably killed more men than the average terrorist back at home?

Damn it.

Kai was very out of his element right now. But he couldn't just stay here all day long.

With that in mind, he takes a deep breath to calm his social anxiety, slips on a mask he now labels 'Tajimask', and opens the bathroom door.

A middle-aged otaku Kai may be, but he was first and foremost a notorious hacker heavily wanted by the Interpol, the Cartels, the Triads, the Yakuza, and more. He has had his fair share of dealing with hot-headed crime lords and persistent cops (behind a screen, of course) so it was easy to fall back into that state of unsympathetic intolerance.

The person he meets as soon as he opens the door was a woman, no, a young teen who looked no older than fifteen, and gorgeous - with long dark hair that went past her hips, and wide, equally dark eyes that match her fair complexion beautifully. Worn on her body was an elegant, baby blue yukata with blossoming sakura patterns on it. It didn't hide the baby bump from showing.

Tajima's memory told him that this young lady was the original goods' concubine, one of the people living here that had not been poisoned, which was suspicious as hell, but he was not thinking about that right now(!).

Oh, fucking Jashin.

The original goods was truly shameless! How could he marry someone so young?! He already has a (poisoned) main wife and a(n equally poisoned) mistress. Why would he need another bed warmer?! And why couldn't he remember this young lady's name?!

Tajima, you truly are trash! Pei pei pei!

Despite his inner turmoil, Kai's gaze on her was steady and without infliction, watching as her facial expression morph from serene to shock to horrified to worry and back to serene in the blink of an eye.

He was curious about the rapid change of expression, but he put that to the back of his mind, for now, since he was more concerned about the bruises she bore on her person. From what he could gather from Tajima's memory, the original goods just had a night of rough sex with her. Like, really rough sex. As in, strangulation and extreme beatings.

Kai could already feel the tremors of his hands worsening, his anxiety rearing its ugly head. He felt like puking.

"What?" He asks after a minute of pregnant silence, his tone clipped and cold as he was fighting desperately to hold back the tremors he could feel crawling up his arms, shoulders, and neck. The woman flinches, ducking her head down.

The motion made her hair shadow most of her features. But it didn't quite manage to hide the fear he could see in her tearful eyes. Kai was the one who wants to cry the most, okay?! Oh, Jashin. If God wanted to throw his soul into Narutoverse, why did it have to be into Tajima's body? He would rather be transmigrated into a faceless, bystander character.

Kai wasn't sure how to portray himself as Tajima, but if characterization involves domestic violence, he was not going to continue even if it would be completely OOC of Tajima to suddenly change overnight. There was no way in hell he would hit a defenseless woman just to secure himself as Uchiha Tajima.

An immoral criminal Kai may be, but he was not a trashy wife beater. He may be unsociable and bad-tempered at times, but he was born in an era that supports women's rights and equality. He wants to cry right now!

"I a-apologize for disturbing you, Tajima-sama. But b-breakfast is ready. Will you be p-partaking with us this m-morning?" The young lady (he needs to somehow obtain her name politely) stutters, her tone conveying how clearly she fears Tajima.

Seeing how utterly terrified she was, Kai immediately shook his head. "No," he answered. His stomach wasn't in the mood, too.

The young lady discreetly breathed a sigh of relief. If he had agreed, she would have feared for her life. To quickly take her leave, she decides to move the topic to other more concerning matters. "T-there's a healer w-waiting for y-you in your office."

... Fuck. He forgot about that healer. Time to escape.

"Inform her that something came up. I'll be out of the house for the day."

Before the young lady could respond, Kai had already fled through the bedroom's open window.

Kai could only sigh.

Dear Jashin, please return me to Earth. I'd rather deal with incompetent colleagues than clean up Tajima's shit.

Of course, his wish wasn't granted and he could only gloomily explore his new home. He didn't look back even when he hears soft murmuring start after his departure.

What a shitty morning.

A/N:

Character Status

Name: Liu Kai / Uchiha Tajima

Age: 35 / 20

Race: Chinese / Japanese

Circumstances: Transmigrated person currently in Narutoverse Warring States Era, entire family poisoned apart from one concubine.

Goals: Flawlessly integrate into Tajima's life, become the clan head. Additionally, to find out who poisoned Tajima's family.

State of mind: Miserable. Just miserable.

Standing within the clan: Prestigious

Standing within the household: Precarious

Standing within the clan's main branch: Pugnacious

Latest outstanding accomplishment: Nearly killed himself via overexposure to human contact.

Inner complains: "Why do you look like you want to cry? I'm the one who wants to cry oi!"