Chapter 1- There's Always That One Stupid Mistake

Meredith Grey had to be the biggest idiot of all time. She didn't generally think that about herself but today, she was pretty sure of it. Before today, she had actually thought she was pretty lucky. Her job as a journalist was interesting and fast paced and she was going to win awards one day. Or at least, she had thought she would win awards one day. She had thought she'd win a Pulitzer until she had made the biggest mistake in her entire life with her boss. And not just one mistake, because that would have been stupid enough. No, three mistakes. Three really stupid mistakes that were supposed to be forgotten and moved past.

Scott had noticed that the condom had broken on the third time that night in D.C., after the party with their counterparts there. He had joked with her about how he had been overeager to be buried inside her. Of course, as eager as he had been, that had been the last time she had fucked her boss. And it was the last time she had felt even slightly valued by her jackass boss. Because after she had told him she was done with making this mistake, the invitations to parties had stopped. Actually, everything had stopped. The late night phone calls to discuss stories, the winks in meetings right before he assigned her the best leads, and even the free coffees had all stopped. To add insult to injury, Meredith now knew that she was just another notch on Scott's bedpost and that her boss was actually the biggest douchebag on the earth.

Logically, she realized she probably had some kind of case against him. If she had gone to HR and said he was retaliating for ending their physical relationship, then there would be a huge problem and probably an investigation. Especially now, when women were coming forward with their stories and trying to change the most common misconceptions of harassment in the workplace. But Scott hadn't harassed her to sleep with him and she had never thought her job depended on whether or not she slept with him. She had actually kind of figured she had talked him into the first time. She had no idea if this was a pattern with him, she had no idea if the investigation would even go forward since it had all been consensual. So instead of telling anyone about it, she had just kept her mouth shut and started quietly looking elsewhere. Her plan had been to find a new job and walk away from the douchebag, leaving him down his best reporter.

For the last two and a half months, she had thrown herself into it. She had continued to write as well as humanly possible but she had also started to send her portfolio to some of her favorite magazines. She wanted to start writing more columns, to actually start examining the world around her, not just reporting on it. It had been easy to ignore the sense of exhaustion that had started to take over her, easy to forget to worry about her period, and even a little easy to ignore the nausea. At least, it had been easy until a couple days earlier and now…now Meredith felt like the biggest idiot of all time.

She took a deep breath as she picked up her iPad and walked down the hallway towards her morning meeting. She wasn't going to think about what her doctor had said or about the vitamins in her purse right now. All that mattered was going into this meeting and not killing Scott. Committing murder would be really bad and she didn't want…well, there was a lot of things she didn't want. But none of that mattered right now. She was going to do her job just like she had been for the last ten weeks.

"Morning, Mer," one of the other reporters, Hazel, greeted her as she walked in with a cup of coffee.

"Morning, Hazel," Meredith smiled at her before sitting down slowly, willing her stomach to stay settled for at least a few hours. She had swallowed back some ginger ale on her way in but she had no idea if it would actually work.

"You look like hell," Hazel shook her head. "Are you freaking out about why Scott is in with the suits?"

"Scott's in with the suits?" Meredith frowned.

"Yeah, he's been in with them since this morning," Hazel explained as the door opened again for Victor, one of the editors. "Have you heard anything, Vic?"

"About the suits?" Victor asked as he sat down next to Meredith and she tried not to breathe in the smell of his strong cologne mixed with the smell of his morning herbal smoothie. "I've heard as much as you have."

"I'm sure it's nothing," Meredith shook her head. "What do you guys have to present this morning?"

"I'm following up on that insane story about the kids' bulletproof backpacks," Hazel stated. "I turned it into Scott last night and he loved it."

"Hmmm…" Meredith nodded as she glanced at Hazel. She was beautiful with her caramel skin and dark curls and Meredith was pretty sure she was newly divorced so it would make sense that Scott would decide she was next. It almost made her want to go upstairs to HR and tell them everything, but with the newest complication growing inside her, it didn't even seem worth it.

The doors opened again and the rest of the newsroom walked in, which was definitely weird. It was usually the top reporters in the morning meeting but now everyone was standing against the walls as Scott walked in. He was in a suit, his green eyes crinkling as he ran his hands through his sandy brown hair. This didn't feel good. She didn't know a whole lot, but she worked in a day and age where print newspapers were starting to collapse and this felt really bad. Her stomach swirled and she rested her hand over it for a second, even if she wasn't completely sure why.

"Good morning, team," Scott announced as he took his place in the front of the room. "I wanted to thank everyone for coming in this morning, even if it isn't for the best of reasons. I want to thank all of you for all your hard work the last few months, this has easily been the most awesome team in the industry, and I'm so proud to call all of you my family."

"Oh, shit," Hazel breathed, her eyes wide.

"Now, this is such a kick ass team but sometimes we have to break up teams and rebuild to become even better," Scott stated as he leaned over the back of the chair. "I've been meeting a lot with the higher ups and well…I don't think anyone here is operating under the delusion this was going to last forever."

"Well, fuck," Victor whispered and Meredith spread her fingers over her bloated belly. This could not be happening today. There was no way this was happening right now.

"Now, not everyone is leaving so I don't want everyone freaking out," Scott tried to smile warmly, even though he just came across looking like a fucking sociopath. "But, we are going to be letting go of about a hundred and fifty people."

"A hundred and fifty?" Hazel gasped. "Holy shit, Scott, are things really that bad?"

"The times are changing, Hazel," Scott winked at her and Meredith swallowed back the vomit that was building in her throat. "But you keep working on that story, okay? Because it's an important story and it needs to be told."

"Oh…oh great," Hazel grinned widely. "Thanks, Scott."

"It's going to be a rough day for all of us,' Scott looked around the room. "But we'll get through it as a team. We'll support each other and everything will be cool. Everyone who will be leaving us will be getting a really generous severance because we take care of our people."

Meredith shook her head, fighting the urge to ask Scott if he was fucking kidding. Laid off. A hundred and fifty people were being laid off today and Scott was acting like it was no big deal. He had to be the biggest douchebag of all time, there was just no doubt about it. And she was the idiot who had been taken in by his charming smile and great stories about how his career had grown. Her stomach was swirling, she was sweating from the heat of the late July day, and she honestly wasn't sure what to do next. She was vaguely aware of everyone filing out of the room but she could barely breathe as she stared at her iPad screen. "Meredith?" Scott's voice cut into her thoughts and she looked up at him. "Can you join me in my office?"

"Excuse me?" Meredith frowned at him as her heart plummeted.

"Let's take a walk to my office," Scott nodded as he stood and opened the door for her.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me," she hissed. "I mean, are you serious right now?"

"Meredith…" Scott shook his head as he took a deep breath. "We don't have to make a scene."

"Don't say we," she groaned as she stood. "You mean me and that seriously takes a lot of balls, Scott."

"Can you just come into my office?" He rolled his eyes at her. "Jesus, Meredith, it's not like I'm having the greatest day of my life. Have some fucking compassion."

"I can guarantee you that I am having a far worse day than you are," Meredith mumbled as she followed her boss down the hallway towards his office. She had probably murdered someone in a past life. She wasn't sure of who but with the kind of karma she had going for her right now, she probably assassinated some amazing world leader who would have ended poverty or something. The only way this day could get worse was if she was hit by a bus, and at this point, that might actually be an improvement.

"Have a seat, Meredith," Scott gestured to the two white leather chairs in front of his desk. "Can I get you anything to drink? Water? A latte?"

"No," she rolled her eyes as she sat down slowly in the chair, wondering if vomit would clean off the leather or stain it.

"God I really hate to do this," Scott shook his head as he stood behind his desk. "We've had some amazing times together over the years and this…I wanted to get this out of the way because I knew it would hurt the worse."

"Scott, I mean this in the most respectful way," Meredith started as she crossed her arms over her tender breasts. "But are you fucking kidding me right now?"

"Meredith, don't," he shook his head. "We're offering you a three month's severance which is pretty amazing and six months health insurance if you don't find another job."

"Pretty amazing?" Meredith stared at him. "Pretty…you're laying me off, Scott. You're not doing me a fucking favor here. I'm one of the best reporters you have and you're firing me."

"We're not firing you," he said quickly. "Cuts had to be made…"

"And you made sure to cut the girl who dumped you," she finished for him.

"That is not what this is about," he denied. "We ended that like adults."

"No, I ended it like an adult and you shut me out," she stated. "I suddenly became invisible to you once I didn't want to suck your dick anymore."

"Do not go there, Meredith," Scott pointed at her, his eyes flashing as he leaned across his desk. "Do not fucking turn this into some Me Too bullshit. You wanted to fuck me. You were desperate to fuck me. I did not harass you or threaten your career so don't even think about going there. I still have your texts talking about my dick inside you."

"Oh great, blackmail," she rolled her eyes.

"And I did not freeze you out," he groaned. "You think I don't have ears all over this city? You've been looking for the last three months and you've been looking hard."

"You…you knew about that?" She breathed as her stomach swirled again and she closed her eyes for a second.

"Of course I fucking knew about that," Scott rolled his eyes. "I know more journalists in this country than most and when editors were calling asking why my top journalist wanted to leave, I made sure to tell them there must be some kind of mistake and that you were going through some shit that I was trying to get you through."

"Wait…wait…" Meredith held up her shaking hand. "You blacklisted me? You fucking blacklisted me and then decided to fire me?"

"We're not firing you, we're making cuts," Scott shrugged. "And I want a team who is loyal to me."

"You…Jesus, Scott, could you be any more of a bastard?" Meredith breathed as she stared at him. "You tanked my career because I was looking?"

"Don't be melodramatic," he shook his head as he reached for a bottle of water that sat on his desk. "It's not tanked. Give it a year or so and everyone will want you. In the meantime, see if Buzzfeed wants you."

"Give…give it a year?" Meredith stared at him as she stood slowly from the white leather chair. "You want me to give it…I don't have a fucking year, Scott. I don't have twelve months to just wait until I can get a job. I don't…fuck, Scott, I don't even have thirty weeks!"

"What?" Scott frowned.

"I'm pregnant!" She gasped, the word coming out of her for the first time since the doctor had told her the news this morning. "I'm ten weeks pregnant, you unimaginable ass."

"Oh," Her boss said carefully as he wiped the back of his hand over his mouth. "Oh."

"If you're trying to do the math in that small head of yours, it's D.C. when you couldn't wait to fuck me and the condom broke," she hissed.

"Yeah, I got that," Scott nodded before sitting down at his desk and pulling open a drawer. "There's a doctor in the Upper East Side, very discreet. He'll do it for six hundred and the facilities are really up to date."

"Excuse me?" She breathed as she stared at him. It wasn't that the thought hadn't crossed her mind because it definitely had. Even her doctor had mentioned an abortion to her, but she hadn't made any kind of decision yet. She was thirty-eight years old, she had gotten pregnant despite birth control, and she had no idea if she would ever be able to get pregnant again. It wasn't as easy as just deciding to get an abortion.

"Abortion, Meredith," Scott rolled his eyes as he opened his check book. "I'll write you a check and call him for you, set up the appointment."

"Stop…stop…" she waved her hand. "You…you don't even…you don't have any questions? I have your kid inside me and you don't…"

"That's not my kid, it's some of my DNA," Scott stated. "I don't want kids and I'm not going to hold your hand through a pregnancy so you can get that idea out of your head right now. After you walk out of this office, I never see you again. This check is my last offer of help."

"Okay, and while that's so kind of you to do after letting me go…I haven't made my decision yet," she insisted. "I haven't…I was just told this morning that I have a ten week and two-day old fetus inside me and they let me listen to the heartbeat and I haven't…I don't know what I'm going to do yet."

"Great, and I'm telling you I don't want a kid," he insisted as he wrote out the check. "I don't want to be responsible for a mistake and I don't think you do either."

"You don't get to decide what I think or don't think," Meredith hissed. "And who the fuck said I wanted you involved anyway?"

"I'm not going to be sued for child support in a few years," Scott stated. "I mean it, if you keep it, don't even think about bringing it back here."

"Don't worry, that won't be a problem," she shook her head. "I don't want him or her to have anything to do with you either."

"Great," Scott nodded as he held up the check. "Last chance."

"Fuck you," she hissed. She might regret it later, she realized that. Once her head was clear and she had time to think about what to do with her body and her life, she might regret not accepting some help from him. But he was an asshole and all she wanted was to leave.

"Fine, suit yourself," her boss shrugged as he threw the check down on his desk and handed her a packet of papers. "As of right now, you hand over your iPad, work laptop, work cell phone, and anything else that belongs to the company. You go to your desk, clean it out, and leave without saying a word to anyone else. You'll receive three months' pay and six months health insurance, at the end of which, you can sign up for COBRA if you want."

"Lucky me," she whispered. "Let's hope the baby comes early so I can have health insurance."

'The company will be monitoring your social media and if you say anything about the terms of this severance publicly, you lose everything," Scott continued on before looking up at her. "Any questions?"

"Can I say fuck you again?" She asked.

"I need to know you understand this before I ask you to sign it, Meredith," he sighed heavily.

"I understand,' she sighed heavily.

"Thank you," he nodded before handing her a pen. "Sign and initial on the tabs."

"I really can't believe how much of an asshole you turned out to be," she sighed as she signed and initialed as directed. Her stomach was now doing more of a roll versus a swirl but her head was making up for that by swirling at a pace that was almost making her dizzy.

"This is business, Meredith, it's nothing personal."

"Yeah, I was talking more about having your own personal abortion doctor on speed dial," she pointed out before handing him the paperwork. "That's fucking disgusting."

"Best of luck in the future, Meredith," her ex-boss stated before he turned in his chair and picked up his cell phone. That was it. After years of working with him, after fucking him three times, after finding out she was pregnant with his baby, that was it. She walked slowly back to her desk where a white and brown box was waiting for her and she tried desperately hard not to throw up or cry. She wasn't about to give anyone that satisfaction after being the tough as shit reporter for years.

It was almost too much to believe. A week ago she had had no idea she was pregnant, she had had a job, and she had been pretty sure she could get another one pretty easily. Now she was jobless with absolutely no prospects on the horizon and ten weeks pregnant. It was just too much to handle and she honestly had no idea where to start. A sane woman probably would have already to get an abortion, but she really had no idea if she could or would do it. It wasn't the baby's fault that its father was an asshole and that she had lost her job. But it also seemed like a lot to take on right now.

She grabbed her box and her bag with the prenatal vitamins and walked out of the building, refusing to make eye contact with anyone. Ten years of her life had just ended and she didn't want anyone's sympathy. Or at least not anyone's sympathy from work. She desperately needed to talk to her sister and her best friend and try to figure out her mess of a life. She pulled her phone out of her purse and immediately started the FaceTime call as sweat started to drip down her back.

"Mer!" Lexie greeted her before the call connected on Hillary's end and her best friend greeted her with a smile.

"Hey, guys," Meredith sighed. "I…are you guys busy right now?"

"I'm doing laundry so that's a no," Lexie laughed.

"I'm on season four of the Great British Baking Show," Hillary shrugged, tossing her red hair. "This is what happens when my stupid husband is off climbing mountains and my mom actually offers to bond with her grandson."

"So can we meet at our coffee place?" Meredith asked. "I…it's kind of an emergency."

"What kind of emergency?" Hillary asked. "Like…the time you lost your shoes at the U2 concert or…"

"No, this is pretty much Defcon…whatever the highest and worst number is," she sighed heavily. "Think of the emergency of my mom dying and times it by a hundred."

"Oh god…" Lexie breathed, her eyes widening on the phone screen. "Are you…are you okay?"

"Can we just please meet for coffee?" She asked.

"I'm already leaving," Hillary stated. "I'll be there in five minutes."

"Me, too," Lexie nodded.

"Great, I'll get us a table," Meredith sighed before ending the group call. The job thing wouldn't be a big deal to her sister and her best friend. They had all hated Scott for a long time and had thought she was crazy when she had slept with him. So her losing her job, while it would definitely suck, wouldn't register on their surprise scale. It was the pregnancy that was going to blow everything up and she really had no idea how she was going to even begin to plan for this. Thanks to her douchebag boss, she wasn't going to get a job in New York any time soon and while she wasn't exactly worried about money thanks to her mom's inheritance money, she didn't love the idea of not working.

She loved her job. Everyone had expected her to follow in her parents' footsteps and at least try something medical, but ever since she had been a kid, she had loved to interview people and write stories about them. She had always carried around her notebooks and at the age of ten, she had handwritten nine copies of a newspaper she called The Grey Express. For her entire life, she had just wanted to be a journalist, and now it was all falling apart. She wasn't going to wake up tomorrow and go to work, she wasn't going to be able to continue her story on up and coming New York Democrats. A lot could happen to the world in a year and she had no idea if she would ever have the opportunity to jump back into his.

Her throat was closing up and she blinked back the tears that were threatening to fall as she walked towards her favorite coffee shop. Her life was shattering into a million pieces and at some point she'd have to tell her dad and step mom and she wasn't sure she could handle the disappointment that would flash through their eyes. Absolutely nothing in her life felt that great right now, and she really had no idea if it was some kind of hormonal surge or just the fact that everything was so fucked up that was making her chest burn.

Everything was starting to blur as she walked into her favorite coffee shop and took a table near the window before dropping her box on the floor by her feet. Nothing made any sense and she wasn't sure if she needed to be focusing more on the lack of a job thing or the fact she had an actual person growing inside her. There was a person with a heartbeat and a head and apparently growing legs and arms just growing inside her and that was…it was crazy. She hadn't been sure what to do when her doctor had shown her the baby on the ultrasound, but now her brain kept going back to that moment and then flying back to the minute Scott had offered to call his own private abortion doctor.

A waitress came and Meredith heard someone who sounded like her ordering decaf coffee and the peach danish she usually hated. Nothing made sense today, nothing was actually making sense about how she was acting right now or the steps she was taking for a fetus she hadn't even known existed until today, and especially not for a fetus she wasn't even sure she wanted. Because wanting to carry Scott's child and give birth to it and raise it was probably the craziest thing ever.

"Mer?" Hillary called her name and Meredith to looked up to see her baby sister and her best friend staring at her with almost identical looks of concern on their faces.

"Hey, guys," she breathed.

"You look like crap," Lexie frowned as she sat down next to her. "Are you okay?"

"I…" Meredith took a deep breath as she stared down at her decaf coffee. "Let's play a game."

"Oh god, not the game," Hillary shook her head. "Meredith, we are not playing this game. Your life doesn't suck and you will find a new job at some point."

"Oh no," Meredith started to giggle. "Oh that's…that's actually part of the game. I'll go first. Scott just fired me."

"What?" Lexie gasped.

"Fine, he didn't fire me per se, but cuts had to be made and I was the first cut," Meredith laughed, shaking her head. "He claimed it wasn't because I fucked him three times and sucked him off twice…he says we handled it like adults. Which is actually really fucking funny because he isn't an adult. He's a fucking man baby who just got me blacklisted at every newspaper and magazine in New York City."

"He…he did what?" Hillary breathed.

"He found out I was looking and got me blacklisted," Meredith shook her head. "I can't get a job anywhere in this city for at least a year. And then he fucking fired me."

"Are you serious?" Her sister gasped, shaking her head as she reached for Meredith's hand and squeezed. "He can't…he can't do that. He just can't. It's wrong and crappy and it…it makes him a terrible person. Like the worst person."

"Lexie's right, Mer, there's no way he can do that," Hillary agreed. "There has to be some kind of case here. I mean, fine, you lost your mind three times and had sex with him but he can't ruin your life for it. He can't…this is gross. This is really gross and I think I should call Kev and ask him if you have a case."

"It was consensual," Meredith laughed a little louder, realizing that she was starting to sound a little crazy. "It was consensual and I broke it off because I realized I had gone crazy and now…it was consensual and there is no case and anyway even if there was a case, I can't…those cases could take forever and that's just…I can't."

"He's ruining your career!" Lexie pointed out. "He's…why is he such a jackass? Why can't he just be a normal human being and try to be nice and not ruin everything just because he got his stupid boy feelings hurt?"

"It's retaliation," Hillary stated firmly. "It's retaliation and it's so gross and I'm telling you, Mer, you can't let this stand. Who cares if it was consensual? He doesn't have the right to destroy your life because you broke off consensual sex."

"I really, really can't do a report or a trial or…" Meredith took a deep breath as she glanced at her best friend and then her sister. "There's one more thing."

"He didn't hurt you, did he?" Lexie demanded. "Because I'll kill him dead and I won't even make it look like an accident. Not that I know how but I watch a lot of TV and I think I can figure it out."

"No…he didn't…I don't…" Meredith felt her hand curve over her bloated stomach and she closed her eyes for a second. "I'm pregnant."

"Wh-what?" Hillary and Lexie both said at once and Meredith opened her eyes to see the shock moving over their faces.

"I'm pregnant," she repeated. "I'm ten weeks pregnant."

"Are…are you sure?" Lexie whispered. "Because sometimes at home pregnancy tests are wrong and you should…"

"No, I'm sure," she stated as she reached into her purse for the ultrasound picture. "I went to the doctor this morning because my favorite body wash has been making me super nauseous and I…the doctor said I'm ten weeks and two days pregnant. That there's this…I mean, it's a human being. There's a baby human growing in me and that its heartbeat was really strong and there aren't any signs of genetic abnormalities and that…I mean, I'm pregnant."

"Meredith…" Hillary breathed, her eyes wide as Meredith slid the grainy black and white picture onto the table. "Oh my god."

"You're…holy shit, Mer," Lexie whispered and all three of them went silent for a moment. There was obviously no reason to talk when an ultrasound picture was doing all of the crazy talking. "Is…it's his?"

"Yeah," she whispered. "It's Scott's."

"Fuck," Hillary whispered as she reached for Meredith's hand. "Did...did you tell him?"

"Hmmmm..." she breathed. "He offered me six hundred dollars and the services of a really discreet doctor on the Upper East Side."

"That...you told him you were pregnant with his kid..."

"It's not his kid," Meredith shook her head. "It's some of his DNA. That's what he said. He wants nothing to do with it and he's not going to hold my hand during a pregnancy and he was doing me a favor by offering me the money for an abortion."

"Oh my god, Mer," Lexie whispered before wrapping her arms tightly around her.

"I didn't take it," she whispered just before she felt her shoulders shake. "I didn't...maybe I should have. Or I...I couldn't take it because I just found out. I know...it's on the table but there's this little person growing inside me and I haven't...I don't know..."

"You don't have to know yet, Mer," Hillary murmured. "This...it's a huge decision and a lot of factors go into it and you don't have to know yet. And you definitely shouldn't have taken money from a guy who knows how much abortions cost off the top of his head and has an abortion guy on speed dial."

"Oh," Meredith laughed shakily as Hillary ran her fingers through her hair. "That...that's gross, right?"

"Super gross," Lexie agreed and then pulled back slightly. "What...I mean...god, Mer, you're pregnant."

"I know," She whispered. "And unemployed. And unemployable. How can I bring a baby into this world when I have literally nothing to give it?"

"Okay, I know this is a shit show but you don't have to be melodramatic," Hillary admonished. "I bet your inheritance has accrued a huge amount of interest. And how long have you been talking about writing a collection of essays? Maybe this is the right time to do it. It's like...a sign from the universe."

"A sign not to fuck my sleazy boss?" Meredith raised her eyebrow. "Because the time for that sign was three months ago when I fucked him in his office."

"You know we weren't big fans of…well, that," Lexie blushed sightly. "But Hillary's right. Things always happen for a reason and maybe this is so that you can win a Pulitzer or something. Go freelance and write about what you want and be who you want without that…I mean, without some gross gross person telling you who to be."

"Go freelance while I'm growing a person?" She challenged her sister.

"I was trying to tackle the whole unemployed thing first," Lexie shook her head. "Because while I think you would be an amazing mom and I would clearly love to have another niece or nephew, deciding to have a baby is a really big, scary thing and it's up to you."

"Yeah, that's not a decision either of us can make for you," Hillary agreed. "I do think there's some merit to the fact you didn't immediately run to a clinic though."

"I just…" Meredith shook her head as she stared at the ultrasound picture still on the table. "I'm thirty-eight. That's not…and I mean, I have no…I don't really want to get married. But a baby…there's a part of me that wonders and I'm pretty sure it's that stupid biological clock thing which I totally thought was a sexist lie but…I'm thirty eight. And it's not the baby's fault that I fucked my boss and the condom broke and he turned out to be the biggest asshole in the whole world.'

"No, it isn't," Lexie agreed.

"But then I think…I'm unemployed and trying to find a job while I'm pregnant is going to be horrible…or even worse with a newborn," she sighed heavily. "I don't…I don't know what to do about this whole pregnancy thing and I have twelve days to figure it out because apparently twelve weeks is the cut off."

"You'll be out of your first trimester by then," Hillary pointed out. "Probably starting to look at maternity clothes and definitely feeling less crappy."

"How have you been feeling?" Lexie asked softly.

"Nauseous but I haven't really thrown up a lot," Meredith answered. "My boobs have been killing me and I'm insanely bloated though."

"Okay, so that doesn't improve a whole lot," Hillary shrugged. "But the exhaustion will. You'll have energy for days."

"Hmmm…" Meredith nodded slowly, glancing down at her stomach. "It's his kid."

"No, it isn't," Lexie shook her head. "I mean, even he said it's not his kid so like…fuck him. It's not his kid. It's your baby and your kid, if that's what you want. It can be Baby Grey and it never needs to know that its dad was a sexist creepy piece of crap. It can just have an amazing mom and amazing aunts and grandparents."

"You really don't have to make the decision right now, Mer," Hillary murmured to her. "It's been a big day and your brain is swirly and you should just…sit with it for a few days. You have twelve days and you should definitely take at least half that time to figure out what you want."

"And maybe put out some feelers to see if anyone wants a freelancer," Lexie pointed out. "Or just be on your couch for a few days and throw darts at a picture of Scott's head."

"Just take your time," Hillary laughed. "And seriously, Kevin loves to sue assholes so he'll probably come up with some reason to sue Scott."

"I really don't want to do that," Meredith insisted softly. "Especially if I keep the baby. I don't want…I really don't want to see him again."

"Okay, see? You're making decisions," Hillary smiled. "You can do this. You can totally figure this out."

"I might still kill him and make it look like an accident," Lexie offered as she rubbed Meredith's back.

"Don't do that," Meredith smiled weakly. "You look like crap in orange."

"Oh god, please don't remind me," Lexie groaned. "Remember when Molly wanted orange bridesmaid dresses? I looked like a dead Halloween decoration, I swear."

"No murder for anyone," Hillary shook her head. "Just…take your time, Mer. Put out feelers for a freelancer. You don't have to tell them you're pregnant because it doesn't make a difference. Just…you have time to figure this out."

"Yeah," Meredith breathed as she looked back down at the ultrasound picture. It was a grainy image of something that didn't totally resemble a baby yet, but it was there. She had a little person growing in her and she had no idea if it was a good or a bad thing yet. It all just seemed too much like a bad dream, like a nightmare she would wake up from and laugh off over drinks with her best friend and sister. Except none of this was a dream and she was unemployed and she was pregnant and no matter how calming Hillary and Lexie were, she could still feel the panic rising in her. She could still feel her heart pounding and her throat closing up when she contemplated what all of this meant for her future.

It just didn't feel like she could ever go back to a normal life. She was thirty-eight years old, she was single, she was jobless, and she had a baby growing inside her. She had never wanted to get married and she had gone back and forth between the whole kids thing, but she could feel a lot of her dreams fading to the back burner right now. She was treading water and right now, it just felt like she was going to drown underneath all the pressure of what her life had suddenly become today.

I'm all out of faith

This is how I feel

I'm cold and I am shamed

Lying naked on the floor