Tanya's parents were just like her- nice. I was starting to hate that word. We spent the weekend with them, and on Sunday evening when we got back into the city, I accepted Tanya's offer to come up to her apartment.

After a glass of wine and fifteen minutes of missionary, I caught myself staring at her as we laid in bed. "You're so pretty," I finally said, wishing something more profound could be said.

She smiled, and I couldn't help but think of how Bella would have smiled and blushed at such a comment. "You're the pretty one," Bella would always say, teasingly.

"I'm glad you came to Hartford with me," Tanya said after a moment, tangling her fingers with mine. "My parents really liked you."

"They were nice," I replied. "It was nice to meet them."

"My mom asked if we'd be joining them at Martha's Vineyard this summer," she murmured, looking at me questioningly. "I was honest with her- I don't know where we'll be this summer. And I didn't mean geographically."

My heart sank a little, but part of me was relieved that we were at least somewhat on the same page. "I know what you mean."

"You're still crazy about her, aren't you?"

This felt so wrong. I was naked in bed with a beautiful woman- a woman who was pretty and kind and who's biggest fault so far was that she was just nice. And I couldn't see myself having any kind of future with her. Not the way I had imagined with Bella. Not in the way I still wanted to with Bella.

"I am. I'm sorry, Tanya. I-"

"Don't be sorry," she said with a little laugh. "I've seen it from the start. But I don't care. Edward, she doesn't want you. But I do. And I think maybe we could be happy together, one day."

"You'd settle for that? For 'one day'?" I asked skeptically. "For 'maybe'?"

"I just want you," she whispered back, looking into my eyes. "And I'll wait for you to catch up, if I have to."

... ...

Time passed, and Bella remained at the forefront of my mind. We started talking more, like we used to, and things started to feel like it was all going back to normal.

It was like we hadn't even happened, and I couldn't help but feel sad about it.

But Bella was still my best friend, and after about a year, all of the awkwardness had dissipated. We had coffee together every week before she went to therapy, and she double dated with Tanya and I a few times, always with a different guy. I was secretly pleased that she was back to her old routine- love them and leave them. None of them were good enough for her, especially now that the bounce was back in her step. She seemed genuinely happy for the first time in a long time, and as her best friend, I couldn't have been happier for her.

However, sometimes I caught myself daydreaming about what could have been. I wondered where we'd be in our relationship, and if we'd be happy. I wondered if things would be amazing, not just nice like how it was with Tanya.

I watched Bella flit and flirt and wine and dine half of the eligible bachelors in Manhattan, and I worried that she'd meet someone that made her forget about me, because it would be so bittersweet. On one hand, I'd have to be happy for her. If she were able to love herself enough to love another, of course it should be celebrated. On the other hand, I'd always wonder why it wasn't with me. Why I couldn't make her love herself; see herself the way I did. And I continued to wonder, all the time- what if?

But if things had gone my way from the start, we wouldn't end up the way we were supposed to.

... ...

"I don't know," I said, breaking off a little piece of the biscotti Bella and I were sharing. "She just seems uninterested lately."

"Hmm." Bella looked thoughtful, then leaned in a little closer. "I mean...is it possible that she's reflecting the way you feel? Where are you at in regards to your feelings for her?"

I shrugged, always feeling guilty when people asked about this kind of stuff- about Tanya. Because our whole relationship made me feel guilty. We were coming up on one year together, although it had only gotten more serious when I had met her parents and been honest about the feelings of 'maybe' and 'one day' that surrounded our relationship.

But part of me did love Tanya. She wasn't as easy to love as Bella was, because I'd been head over heels for Bella since I was fifteen. It was different with Tanya. It had developed slowly but surely, determined and hardheaded. For the first time, I could sort of understand the way Bella had felt when we had been together- what it felt like to be loved and not love back in the same way. With Tanya, it was a convenient love. It was fine.

It was nothing like what I felt for Bella, and what made it even harder was that Tanya knew and she loved me anyway.

"Emmett is pushing me to propose," I confided in Bella. "So is my mom. And her mom. And all of her friends."

"And?" Bella asked, suddenly focused on the crumpled napkin in her hand and not on me. "What do you think?"

"I don't know," I breathed out. "The thought of it kind of makes me sick."

"Isn't love supposed to make you feel a little sick?"

"Lovesick, maybe," I laughed. "I think it's nerves."

"You worry she'll say no?"

I shook my head, trying not to feel pompous. "I know she'll say yes. I just...I don't know," I repeated.

"Do you love her?"

I swallowed thickly and forced myself to look the woman I loved, really, really loved, in the eye. "I love her."

"Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her?"

Again, no. Bella was who I wanted for forever. I wanted to scream at her that no, Tanya wasn't who I wanted to be with. It was Bella. It was always Bella.

... ...

We didn't get engaged. Instead, I found myself spending a precious three day weekend moving from my place in Murray Hill and south into Kips Bay with Tanya. She had a nice place...very pinterest-y, beige, and cookie cutter. Nothing like my modern taste or Bella's classic with a twist. But the price and the location worked for both of us, and although it was incredibly close to my old place, it felt like another world. For starters, the coffee shop Bella and I always met at was directly between my old place and Bella's Lenox Hill townhouse.

Tanya had laughed when I complained about it, but I noticed she didn't speak to me for the rest of the night and went to bed early, claiming that she had a headache, and I felt incredibly guilty.

Here was this woman who loved me, wanted a future with me...and then there I was, stuck in the same boat, but with another woman in mind. It would have been poetic if it hadn't been so shitty of me.

... ...

I wasn't expecting Bella's call in the middle of the night, but of course I answered as soon as it woke me up. "What's wrong?"

"Can you come over? I'm sorry, I know I have no right-"

"No, no, I'll be right there," I assured her, already out of bed.

Tanya grumbled beside me, and sat up as I was pulling a sweatshirt and shorts out of the dresser. "Where are you going? What time is it?"

"Shh," I murmured, going over and sitting on the edge of the bed to put my socks and shoes on. "It's not even three. Bella called; something must be wrong. I'm going over there."

"Of course you are," Tanya grumbled, but she didn't say anything else about it as she hunkered back down in bed.

"I'll be back before you know it." I assured her.

She just gave me a sad smile. "I love you."

"Love ya."

... ...

Bella's townhouse was a block over and a few dozen blocks up, but I made it there in record time. I had a copy of her key that she had given to me years ago, so I used it to let myself in. I found her sitting up in her bed, whiter than a sheet.

"What's wrong?" I asked, kneeling in front of her. "Are you okay?"

She turned slightly; her eyes glassy with tears. "I...I didn't tell you," she cried. "I didn't tell anyone...because I just wanted it to go away. I didn't know-"

Bella was choking back tears at this point, and I'd never felt more helpless. She finally just pushed the sheets down, and all I saw was red.

"Oh...Bella. Oh my god."

"I think I'm having a miscarriage."

... ...