When one watches Yuri on Ice, but realizes there's no yuri.

O_o

For a woman who had lost practically all of her mirth in the first few seconds of my tirade of exasperated roaring, Nobunaga Oda was having way too much fun.

"Behold my ambition! For years upon years, my people have toiled together for the sake of the total unification of Japan, attempting to lead through the power of military force! Now, look where we are today, for the greatness of Oda Nobunaga lies before you today, in all of its splendor! It is my work made manifest, my ideals crystallized into history! Umu umu, what a fantastical work of art!"

"Nobu-san. It's a manga. About you. As a girl?"

"I know! It's awesome, isn't it?! Especially this funny monkey who looks just like you!" I could have sworn I heard a molar crack with the fake grin I directed at her.

"For one, your hair isn't blonde. Second, I'm not a history geek. I'm definitely not a brunette. And I SURE as hell am no goddamn harem protagonist." And never would I ever try to obtain such a title. People can go on and on about how 'harems are wonderful things' or 'just marry all of them; it's A-OK!,' but that would be unrealistic. I mean, how DOES one even manage a relationship with more than two women, much less ten?

Escapism is the primary drive that makes harems appealing. It's simple psychology really; what one cannot have in reality is ultimately desired for and fantasized about. That was it, there was nothing more than that.

It's totally not because of the fact that I don't have the balls to ask a woman to go on a date with me. Yep, absolutely not because my courage in the realm of romance is limited to only those trashy romance novels Okkie forces me to read.

Much to my dismay, my crimson warlord could read my mind.

"Ah, meh! You lack drive!" Nobu waved me off, much to my indignant irritation. "If you don't muster up the courage to the land of impossibility, then you'll never get anything done! Looks, prestige, or size notwithstanding; so long as one has the courage to push on forwards, anything is possible!

Oi, woman. Have you seriously already forgotten about how much trouble you were in not too long ago?! Of how you fired a flintlock musket equivalent to that of a hand cannon in the kitchen which was also INSIDE the house?! Let's not even mention how trashed the place was after I had to practically force the two of you apart, much at my own personal risk! I'm a squishy human, trying to get in between two Servants, who were fighting for the most ridiculous of reasons.

How important is strawberry milk anyway?! It's not a Holy Grail!

The only reason WHY I even considered this little trip was because of my editor, and I'm starting to seriously regret even doing i— why are you looking at me with so much smugness in those eyes?!

"You're just sweating the small details! You need to be more like this Yoshiharu fellow! Be more ambitious! Conquer that which you want to desire! Aren't I right, Okita?"

"..." Okita didn't make a sound.

Nobu's momentum faltered as she turned towards the Shinsengumi. "Er...Okita? Are you alright?"

The manslayer didn't respond, too engrossed in her current book to even register what her friend had said. Her eyes were plastered on the action that was occurring in front of her, each and every panel making her jump as her amber eyes darted from one page to the next.

Nobunaga peeked over her much taller companion in an attempt to get a look, freezing up upon seeing the images within. I didn't' need to even guess what was going on, having gotten a glance at the book's title.

Otokogokuro.

My apologies, Ms. Nobunaga, but Ms. Okita is currently in her own little world at this very moment. As much as I would love to save her myself, I'm afraid that the drug known as 'doujinshi' is too addicting for one such as me to cure…

...especially if said doujin so happened to be of the 'yaoi' variant.

"Wh-what is the big man doing to the little man?" Okita whispered to herself, the violent red blush on her face giving her to approximation of a tomato. "Where is he putting that...into there? Isn't that... dirty?"

"Hoooh?" Nobunaga had recovered quickly, giving the book a pensive, intense look mixed with what I hope isn't intrigue. "I never knew that this even existed! What intriguing flexibility, even for a man! This is amazing!"

Nobu-san. Nobu-san! Please don't start breathing like that! The other customers are looking at you weirdly! Please stop, I'm feeling embarrassed for you and I absolutely dislike it!

Oi, why are you looking at me like that?! Please don't look at me with those hungry eyes! I have no intention of becoming the subject of every yaoi fangirl's paradise! This entire story is going to become rated-R if you continue any longer!

And Okita-san, please stop making those embarrassing noises! I know the realm of adults is a shocking revelation, but you're overreacting! You're a bloody Heroic Spirit older than most of present day humanity; please act like one!

After what seemed like an eternity, each second being absolutely excruciating for me to even witness, Sakura Saber quietly closed the paperback, finally tearing herself from continuing on with that cursed novel. All seems still, as the Shinsengumi captain just stands there. Not a single movement, except for the rise of her chest as she breathes.

Then, Okita Souji turned towards me, face flushed with the complexion of a cherry. Her mouth opens and closes, pondering over the correct words that she wants to say. I have a feeling of cold dread crawling up my spine, but I still my soul to face the consequences I have wrought upon myself.

"C-can I have this?" Okita's expression seems hopeful, her eyes shining with the look of an acolyte having witnessed a revelation from God himself. "This...I need to...I must analyze this more."

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: the birth of a new fujoshi.

May God save us all.

._.

Life Achievement Get: [You Got Ebina'd!]

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