I Swear This Never Happens

Russia/Fem!America

Warnings: Blood, light gore, and dark/dirty humor.

Splat!

Oh shit.

Oh fuck.

Violet eyes stared into blue, both pairs widened in shock. Russia couldn't move, couldn't breathe, his larger form suspended hovering over America's. America was equally frozen, staring up at him, her lips parted in surprise and one leg half hooked around his waist, her hands curled up near her shoulders.

America was covered in blood. A lot of it. Dripping from the gaping wound in Russia's bare chest, it covered her shirt, face, and hair, as well as the hotel bed sheets beneath them.

Beside America, resting against her neck where it settled after falling on to her chest and rolling off, was Russia's beating heart.

"O-oh..." America's jaw dropped a little further, her eyes darting to his chest and then back up to his eyes. Realization registered in her expression, and her leg fell away from him, landing on the bed with a soft thump. "Are you okay…?"

Russia wanted to die. Just crawl into the deepest cave in the coldest parts of his lands and never come out. Just disappear. This was beyond embarrassing, to have his heart fall out at a time like this, with America, onto America. He was going to drop dead any second now. He was sure of it.

His heart, though no longer in his body, responded to his stress and began to beat faster, catching America's attention. This finally got Russia moving and he got off of her, sitting up and covering the hole in his chest with a hand.

"I-I am so sorry," he told her, mortified. His heart was still on the bed next to America but he didn't dare move closer to her to retrieve it. "I'm sorry, I-I..." was there any way he could salvage this situation? He didn't think so, "this- It's never happened at a time like this-"

"Ivan," America sat up slowly, watching him with a frown.

He was still rambling, wishing he wasn't shirtless and without his scarf so he didn't feel so vulnerable under her gaze. Those had been set aside when they had started their...activities. "You must be disgusted," he fretted. Their relationship was new, and while he secretly had fears that he might one day ruin it all, he never thought it would happen so soon. There was no coming back from this. She'd seen his heart fall out before, but she'd never had to experience it this closely, never had to have the wretched thing touch her. This was awful.

"Hey now," her frown deepened, and she made her way over to him, taking his face in her hands. "Calm down okay, big guy? Deep breaths," she encouraged, brushing her thumbs across his cheeks.

He quieted down, noticing how quick his breathing was for the first time. He tried doing as she said, taking a deep breath through his nose and letting it out through his mouth, trying to set a rhythm.

"Good, good," she grinned, "it's all good, see?" she breathed with him for a few repetitions. "There we go. We're good, here, okay?"

Russia nodded doubtfully. It was hard to think that everything was "good" when America was covered in an excessive amount of his blood and his heart was out.

"Let's get you fixed up, okay?" America pulled away from him. She hesitated for a moment when she saw that he still wasn't moving. She gestured to his heart, "is it okay if I help you?" even though she asked, she didn't wait for an answer, picking up his heart.

He jolted, his eyes widening in surprise. He hadn't expected her to do that.

She misinterpreted his surprise, her own eyes growing wide, "oh shit oh God, are you okay? Am I killing you?" she panicked, nearly dropping his heart.

"Nyet, nyet, it's okay," now it was his turn to reassure her. It never hurt him when his heart came out, and he couldn't feel her hands on it, though he did feel a bit warmer in general. "Just surprised, is all," he shuffled over to her. It was a little awkward as he'd never had anyone help him when his heart fell out before, but he guided her through putting his heart back in its place and the two fell into an awkward silence as they watched his flesh heal back over.

Then America began giggling.

Russia frowned, " it's not funny."

"It's a little funny."

"Ama."

"It's just-" she covered her mouth, trying to stop a more hysterical bout of laughter, "it just popped right outta ya. It was like plop!" She couldn't stop herself then, a wild shriek of laughter coming out of her. She covered her mouth again, falling back onto the bloody sheets as she dissolved into peals of laughter.

Russia grunted, crossing his arms over his chest self-consciously. He was still very embarrassed, but now he was a little irritated as well. He just watched her laugh, not impressed.

America caught his eye, "r-right, sorry, sorry," she took deep breaths, fanning herself with her hand as she tried to calm down, "whoo!" she breathed out, having exhausted herself a little with the force of her laughter. "Hah...oh god… haha..." a tear slipped out of her eye. "I'm- heh… I'm good I p-promise..."

"Glad one of us is having fun..." he grumbled.

"Aww, Vanya," her face still twitching with laughter, she sat up and wrapped her arms around his waist, resting her chin on his chest as she gazed up at him. "I'm soooorry… I didn't mean to laugh," she batted her eyelashes at him, the effect greatly diminished by all the blood.

"It was embarrassing," he told her, "and you laughed. You're so cruel." He wasn't all that hurt by her laughter, to be honest. His pride was definitely smarting, but deep down he was just relieved that she hadn't fled in disgust. She'd even gone so far as to help him put his heart back in his chest. Still, laughing at him when he was already embarrassed was, as she would put it, "not cool." He pouted at her.

"Aww," she cooed, snuggling into his chest even more. "I'll make it up to you, promise!"

He sighed, his hand cupping the small of her back, "I'll hold you to that, Sunflower."

"Mmm," she grinned happily at him, pressing a kiss to his sternum. "You know, it could have been worse."

"My heart fell out," he said flatly.

"I mean," she sighed, looking exasperated. "If you wanna be like that, okay. But, you know, some people's dicks explode or snap in half, at least that didn't happen. Yet."

"What?"

"Well, I'm super strong, so there's no telling what my titanium vee's gonna do when the time comes," she pointed out, obviously fighting back a smile at her own ridiculousness.

Russia shook his head, pulling away from her, "I'm not having this conversation. I'm going to shower." Why did he ever think she would have been scared off by his heart falling out on her? She was too weird to be put off by such a thing.

Her laughter followed him into the bathroom.

A/N: This is officially the craziest thing I've ever written. I wanted to include this in my WRTW? series because of the inclusion of Fem!America but I realized it would be too much for the T rating and I don't want to raise the rating of that series unless I feel like there'll be a lot of stories that warrant it.

I kind of want to apologize for my messed up sense of humor in this but if I did apologize I wouldn't exactly mean it, so… sorry, not sorry?

Take Care,

J