I don't own Merlin.

Please let me know what you think.

A Harsh Reality.

"Merlin!" Gaius' voice called through the sweet haze of sleep while repetitive and rather loud bangs echoed on the door separated Merlin's room with the main room of the Court Physicians' chambers, and Merlin struggled to wake up, instantly feeling the weight on his mind which came with struggling with keeping his eyes open, reminding him of the late-night he'd had.

"Merlin!" Gaius' voice was more insistent this time, as it was always on an ordinary day.

For a moment, Merlin had forgotten the events of the day before, but it was when he struggled up and opened his mouth to call back, reassure his mentor and friend he was going to be out and join him for breakfast in a moment, the memories came crashing down on his mind.

Instantly his head was in his hands. "Oh no!" his stifled cry echoed around the room.

"MERLIN! What's wrong?" Gaius called in through the door and the bangs increased.

Merlin groaned. At this rate the entire city would be alerted and knowing their luck, everyone would panic about sorcerers. "I'm alright," he lied through his teeth. "I'll be out in a moment," he added, knowing there was no way he could avoid Gaius, and if he tried the physician would track him down anyway.

The banging mercifully stopped; the combination of going to sleep late the night before and the banging at this time when he knew his workload would be high with his ordinary duties on top of what he had with Arthur.

"Alright," Gaius replied, sounding reassured, "I'll see you at breakfast." Merlin had got out of his bed and got dressed in something fresh, but as he listened to his older mentor, Merlin felt physically ill when he finally caught the tone of his mentor and friend's voice. Merlin had heard Gaius weary before, but never like this…

All because of me, Merlin thought to himself, mentally wishing he could journey back in time and shake himself just before the whole mess with the Witchfinder happened. My stupidity!

Finally, Merlin left the bedroom and when he saw Gaius he stopped and looked at his friend and mentor; the strain of the last couple of days was still visible on the older man's face, and his guilt increased.

When he sat down and started to eat, he didn't notice Gaius looking at him curiously with a hint of worry. Finally, the older man couldn't take it anymore. "Alright, Merlin," Gaius snapped in order to make his ward realise he wasn't going to let this drop, though he did regret the sight of the boy flinching violently, "what's the matter? Are you still upset about what happened with Aredian?"

The much more violent flinch from Merlin gave Gaius his answer. The boy looked up at him, and Gaius could see the guilt clearly written in the young man's eyes.

"I nearly got you killed!" Merlin replied, opening his mouth to say he wasn't upset, even if it was a total lie because he was still upset about the Witchfinder, but Gaius sent him a pointed glare at him to make it clear if he even thought of lying, the old physician would be deeply displeased.

Gaius sighed. While he was feeling a sadistic pleasure Merlin was finally seeing reality instead of seeing everything through a bubble, he knew the boy was deeply traumatised with the thought of what he had done. "Why did you do it in the first place?" he asked quietly, he'd had a terrible night sleep after everything Uther and Aredian had done to him, so he wasn't in the mood for an argument, though if Merlin pushed him… "What were you thinking, using magic in broad daylight in a place where just a spark would be enough to see you killed?"

Merlin looked down. He wished Gaius was shouting, but he knew his mentor wouldn't go that far, especially since someone could come in on impulse or eavesdrop through the door, and if that happened then they would definitely know Merlin's secret. "I wasn't, Gaius," he said quietly, "I just wanted to have a break. I had been working all day, and I hadn't used magic all day. I needed to feel the thrill of casting a spell," he whispered.

Gaius closed his eyes. Merlin had just made more sense than ever. The old physician knew precisely how it felt for sorcerers who'd only just come into their power to feel a thrill. Magic was incredibly addictive, and sorcerers used it for everything over time. For someone like Merlin who had been born with the gift of magic, and used it every day, it must have been torturous to go for hours without using magic.

"I can understand that, Merlin," he said softly as he spooned a mouthful of food into his mouth and chewed thoughtfully while he thought about what he was going to say next, "I've seen many young sorcerers who've just learnt to harness magic, and it creates a thrill. For you, it must be incredible since you were born with your magic. I imagine when you were a young boy, you must have used magic every day, am I right?"

Merlin nodded. He had a feeling where this was going to go, and he could sense the trap the old physician was setting for him.

"You can't do that here, Merlin," Gaius pressed, leaning across the table so then the young warlock had little choice but to focus on him. "This isn't Ealdor, a small village where there were plenty of places for you to use magic. This is Camelot. For twenty years, Uther has hunted down and slaughtered hundreds of sorcerers. He personally led the attack on the Isle of the Blessed, and destroyed centuries worth of knowledge of magic, deeming it evil. He organised a rampage of genocide against many magical creatures and beings, including the Dragons! Do you really think he wouldn't bat an eyelid when he found out someone had used magic to create a cloud of smoke shaped like a horse?"

Throughout the whole whispered rant, Merlin had felt even worse. He had barely even thought of the massacre which had been taking place over the last two decades. "I wasn't thinking straight-," he began, but Gaius got there first.

"No, you didn't. What makes it worse is Uther brought that thing," he spat the word, though Merlin guessed Gaius had a few more imaginative descriptions for Aredian, "back into Camelot."

"I know," Merlin replied while he spooned a few mouthfuls and chewed. "Gaius, I am so sorry-," he apologised.

Gaius closed his eyes. He wanted to go on, and lord knew he had a lot more to say, but if he did that then he wouldn't be able to sort out the chambers which had been ransacked nor could he go about his job, though truthfully he wanted to stay clear of Uther for a while. He opened his eyes and looked at the boy quietly.

He had no doubts about Merlin's sincerity, but he was so sick and tired of the impulsiveness Merlin sometimes exhibited.

"Merlin, just answer me one question, why didn't you take anything I said after Uther ordered the Witchfinder to be brought to Camelot seriously?" he asked.

Merlin winced, the memories of his nonchalance after that servant girl had told Uther about the smoke horse filling his mind. "Because I didn't think it would be any big deal," he retorted. "I thought the Witchfinder would be as easy to fool as Uther, Arthur, the Knights, and all the others. In any case, he framed people, casting suspicion on them-."

"Oh, of course, he did," Gaius leaned back in his seat with a weary sigh, "all Witchfinders are fakes. They travel around the land, tell kings and queens there are sorcerers in their midst. The kings and queens get scared, the kingdoms become terrified, and then the Witchfinder finds a few unlucky souls they don't like, and then they frame them. Aredian isn't any different, although occasionally they do get lucky and get a real sorcerer nine times out of eleven, usually, if there is a real sorcerer around, they make the wise choice to quietly leave. And no-one knows it; a king or a queen can't know everything that goes on."

"Then why go after you?"

"Aredian has always wanted to see me dead," Gaius replied simply. "He knew about my ties to the sorcerers of the time before the Purge. Back then Witchfinders were everywhere, but many kings and queens, including Uther at the time, paid little attention to them. It wasn't until the Purge started, people like Aredian became more and more prominent, but truthfully they only caught a few actual sorcerers and more innocent people."

Merlin looked away, hoping Gaius didn't see the horror in his eyes as the image of so many innocent people who had been in the wrong place at the wrong time, or had simply been people the Witchfinders wanted to see die so then the deaths would spread more fear and terror throughout the land, and more and more people became infected by the disease that was the hatred of magic.

"I just want us to be free," Merlin whispered.

"Maybe we will," Gaius said, and Merlin's head shot up in surprise. For a long time the old physician had said the dream of freeing magic and making it accepted by Camelot and the other kingdoms was possible and feasible, so why was he changing his mind?

Fortunately, the old physician saw his worried confusion. "What do you expect, Merlin? Arthur might be fairer than Uther, but don't forget; Arthur has seen many terrible things caused by magic, which has only served Uther's own agenda. He knows he won't last forever, and he's grooming Arthur to be the next King of Camelot, but he wants Arthur to rule as he does. He wants Arthur to continue his work against the Old Religion. That's why he spent years and years making sure Arthur's ears rang with the negative stories about magic," Gaius explained and he shook his head as he remembered how sick he had felt that Uther would brainwash an innocent little boy to hate magic and consider it evil before he went on, "but don't forget; Arthur has a mind of his own. He can make his own decisions, though what kind of a King he will be…I cannot say. I'm too old Merlin. I have seen kings and queens come and go over the years, but truthfully no-one knows what kind of ruler they would be. Some monarchs have risen to power, and over the years, they've proven to be weak-willed because they've found themselves out of their comfort zones; do you even know how many kings started out as strong knights, only to be terrible rulers? Too many."

Gaius took a moment to pause so he could catch his breath, and he used the opportunity to study Merlin's expression. He looked surprised by what he had said, but Gaius went on softly. "I don't know what kind of man he'll be when he takes the throne, Merlin," Gaius said softly, "maybe the Great Dragon is right, maybe Arthur is the Once and Future King who will unite the lands, though what kind of king he'll be for his people, I cannot say. Nor can I say magic will ever come back. There are many people out there who are terrified of it, and while a king may say it's allowed or not, for the most part they will say no because they're terrified a sorcerer will come along and try to claim the power of the throne for themselves. That is the truth. It's true there are hundreds of kingdoms out there, but many of them are just as harsh with magic as Camelot is, though they don't all share Uther's desire to wipe it out completely. It's the harsh reality of our lives, my boy."

Merlin looked stricken and Gaius licked his lips, knowing what he was saying was painful for the boy to hear, but he knew Merlin needed to hear it before he did anything rash again.

"The best thing you can do, Merlin, would be to continue helping Arthur from behind the scenes, but take care. Uther may be satisfied now there isn't a sorcerer in Camelot, but if he finds out there is someone with magic here, he will tear the kingdom apart to find out who it is, and he will have people killed if he doesn't find who he wants. I've seen him do it before, many times over the years. Don't give him any more reasons to be suspicious," Gaius finished and he stood up to clean his bowl. He hadn't eaten much, just enough to get him through the early hours.

But he hadn't been hungry when he had seen Merlin's mood and knew the boy was guilty about what he did.

Gaius truly hoped Merlin took on board what he had just said, though he knew the young man was shaken by Gaius' own views about magic returning, he hoped the young man took it on board to not get his hopes up.

It would be heartbreaking to go for years and see magic being pounded into dust by the never-ending death toll that still continued, and yet the dream never coming true.