She held the knife in her hands. Odd, it felt so light, but she knew it was weight, the blade itself was no longer than her palm. She ran her thumb across the blade, small scarlet drops formed. She didn't feel the pain, there was supposed to be pain right? She supposed it was because she already felt numb. No matter how hard she pushed herself, no matter how much she wanted to be ok. It didn't matter. Every day ended the same, her smile faded from her lips, locked in her room alone, her thoughts haunting, tormenting, whispering to her.

She could have done better.

She should have done better.

Why can't she do better?

Everyday was living hell, trapped inside her own mind, fighting the urge to give up, yell at the world, scream that she had enough. It wouldn't matter, wouldn't do anything but have eyes rolled, no care, basic responses.

You're being dramatic.

Sleep it off, you'll be fine in the morning.

Why waste your energy on things you don't even believe.

But she saw her demons, saw her wrong doings, every choice she had, could had and ones she didn't take. The consequences of every action, thought. Demons chased her, taunted, laughed, pulled her mind in pieces so she couldn't pick them up again. She was trying, shouldn't that matter? Shouldn't that be all that mattered? She fought back the demons, the turmoil, she fought back the nightmares that haunted her waking hours making her believe she was seeing, hearing things that were never there. She was so lost she couldn't tell reality from her own mind.

How can one escape, when the thing you are trying to escape from is your own mind? She pressed the cool blade to her wrist, it would be easy, so easy. The pain wouldn't be there, she would slowly fall asleep, maybe it was for the best, maybe it was the right path. She meant nothing to those close to her, nothing enough for them to check on her, to see past her smile, her laughter. They didn't see the pain or ignored it all together. They did not want to care like they told her they did. They all went their separate ways, check ins turned into simple catch ups, then finally nothing, she really was alone finally.

Yet she hesitated, her hand dared not move. As much as it would ease the pain, as much as she would be out of her misery, what cost would she pay, others would pay. Her eyes locked to her wrist, the blade unmoving, her mind empty.

Why should she let them win?

With a quick jerk she moved the blade away, wincing as the pain came back, the heavy weight back on her shoulders, blood trickled down her arm, it would leave a scar, but she would live another day. Sighing, she moved to the washroom, the door creaking as it opened, grabbing the bandages she wrapped her arm, one more day, she could do one more day, right?

She made her way to the kitchen, the slight hissing of the coffee maker, she cursed to herself for forgetting about it. She could already smell that it was going to be burnt coffee, just another thing to add onto the day to push through. The coffee was burning her mouth, bitterness was all she could taste. Setting it down she sighed as she watched the cars go by her window, going on about their day, going to their jobs to return to their family and friends when done. She had been retired for 2 years, after the destruction of the Reapers, the council had given her the choice to retire, though her Spectre status remained intact, to honor what she did for the galaxy. As much as she didn't want to, she thought of the crew, their sacrifice and those who perished in the midst. It didn't take her long to make the choice, she kept up to date with everyone, mostly. No, she couldn't go down this path of thought again, she just took herself out of it.

Jeff and EDI had found an apartment on Earth, aiding with the technical abilities they could offer on setting up communication, salvaging any remaining technology they could. Jeff mostly helped train the new recruits on piloting, never giving up his love for flight.

Javik and Liara, well, they never exactly told her as Liara still remained as the Shadow Broker, Javik close to her side learning everything he could about the "new cycle", but when their paths came across the Citadel, they would stop by. It was always an awkward visit, but one she welcomed regardless, though it had been months since their last visit, or last e-mail.

Tali returned to her migrant fleet, she all but practically commanded them, helping relocate them on their home planet, working with Legion and remaining Geth. Tali informed her that she had found remaining traces of Legion with the help of the newly reformed Geth, the Geth helped piece them back together, it took several months but they managed to bring him back, he still wore her worn chest plate.

James, Jacob and Miranda still worked for the Alliance, she mostly heard from James. The hot head would always make an excuse to visit her, not that she minded, he would bring her home cooked meals and the most unbelievable stories, most of the time she thought he was bullshitting, but she didn't mind the company.

Jack trained with her students still, never in once place for too long, going from school to school, showing kids what it takes to be a true biotic. It was admirable how she went from the hot head, foul mouthed trapped biotic to the, well, hot-headed foul-mouthed teaching biotic, it was a small step, but a step in the right direction.

Wrex, Grunt and Eve remained on Tchunka. Their clan was thriving, Wrex and Eve had 4 children of their own with another one on the way. Even Grunt had 2 children which was odd in its own sense, considering he was still a child, to her at least.

They had their own lives to live now, their freedom from death, from the everlasting threat that some being was coming to destroy them all. It didn't get rid of all the evil in the galaxy, but it was a large step in the right direction for everyone, the humans were held in such high regard that their opinion weighed in on decisions, they actually mattered.

Despite her getting her freedom, despite the weight of the galaxy not weighing on her shoulders anymore, she felt empty. She still felt the weight of it all, she still felt the weight of every death and life taken for the war, from Cerberus, from Saren. Anderson had left her the apartment on the Citadel, it was large and could easily fit 2 families. Yet, here she was, just here, alone. She missed him dearly, she had managed to get his body back through, but there was no saving him, he lost to much blood, but at least he got the proper burial.

"Ms. Shepard, there is a Mr. Hackett at the door for you." The automated voice sounded throughout the apartment, shaking her out of her thoughts out of the spiral once more.

"Let him in." She heard the door faintly open and close, the heavy footsteps following, her brows came together as she heard 2 sets. "In the kitchen." From around the corner she watched as Admiral Hackett and the Primarch walk towards her, she poured herself a second cup of coffee, offering one to both of them, but they declined with a shake of their head.

"Hello Shepard." Hackett gave her a curt nod. "I hope we are not disturbing you so early in the morning."

"No, sir, just enjoying some burnt coffee is all." She gave the Primach a nod. "Primarch Victus, it has been awhile."

"Indeed. I do appreciate all the help you have given the Turians."

"Did it for everyone, sir." She lifted her mug, taking a small sip. "What brings the two of you?"

"Well, the Primarch here has informed me of a situation back on Palaven, he wanted some help and my suggestion was you."

"Situation? I thought everything was fine when the Reapers were destroyed?" She stood abruptly, hissing at the hot coffee hitting her hand.

"Easy Commander." Victus relaxed his stance, giving his best smile. "It's more of a personal situation, one that I hoped the Admiral would have a suggestion for. We have tried others, Jeff Moreau, Urdnot Wrex, even Urdnot Grunt."

"What does the old crew of the Normandy have to do with this?" Her brows furrowed at the concern. If the boys didn't go, it was serious if they came to her.

"Jane, it's Garrus." Hackett's voice was low, but she heard him, her eyes going wide, her hand began to tremble, so she set the mug down, her eyes flickering between the two of them. She felt every muscle tense, her mind both going through every memory and deleting everything.

"I haven't... I haven't heard from him since he made the decision to go back to Palaven. The communication all but stopped soon after he landed." She pinched the bridge of her nose, taking a deep breath in. Her heart fluttered for a moment, but only a moment. "I doubt I would be much help." 1 year, 5 months and 13 days ago actually, it was the last message he ever sent her, one she read from time to time.

"With all due respect, Jane." Victus rolled back his shoulders once more. "You're probably the only one who can help him. At first, we believed he wanted to help, and on some level, we all believed that's all he wanted. To help his people, his family. Over time however, his health began declining, he ate less throughout the day, all his focus was thrown into the restoration of Palaven, which I am thankful for."

"Wouldn't his family help him? Solana and Castis?" Her eyes darted between the two of them, she could hear the faint rumble coming from Victus which she ignored.

"It was Mr. Vakarian who reached out to me. Jane, are you aware of the Turian mate?" His head tilted to the side.

"He told me little about it, I respected his decision to tell me in time. From what I understand, some Turians can mate with multiple, species, others can mate only once."

"Correct." Victus moved around the kitchen island, his right hand resting on the counter as he watched her. "But there is also something called, how would you humans put it, soul mate. For Turians, when they mate with their believed soul mate, usually when joined, they leave marks on each other." She faintly touched her left shoulder, her eyes going wide, his eyes followed her hand, staring for a moment before looking back. "Being away from their bond mate, soulmate, whichever, can be detrimental to their health. Castis, Mr. Vakarian, has informed me he sustains the symptoms."

"HE chose to leave ME. HE chose to not contact ME." She rose out of her seat. "I feel for you and his family, but if he chose to do this, then why the hell would my presence help if he wishes NOT to see me."

"Jane, Mr. Vakarian is the one who asked Garrus to stop contact." She looked at the Admiral. "You know Garrus, how his family weighs on his decisions."

"If he cared that much, why didn't he tell Garrus to contact me again?"

"He tried, but Garrus only believes his father is testing him. I have spoken with both Castis and Solana, they agree."

"Oh, well, as long as they agree!" she threw her hands up in the air, all but throwing her mug into the sink.

"Jane."

"You don't get it do you?" she turned to both of them. The faint hum of Victus reaching her ear. "I travelled the galaxy to find him, I put him above everything. I should have died up in the Crucible, yet I didn't. I told him I would follow him, to Palaven, and he declined." Tears were pouring down her cheeks, but she was angry. "It's been 2 years. Give me one good reason why I should finally believe that after all this time, I should go after him, that I should care."

"He'll die believing you were a mistake." Victus took another step towards her. "He'll die believing that bonding to you, was wrong. I understand your anger, the resentment." He placed a hand on her shoulder. "But, if you wish to have time to think about it, we leave tomorrow morning. If you do not appear at the docking station, I will understand."

"Did you not consider that I don't want to see him?" Her voice was low, but enough both could hear her, she watched as Hackett stood taller, uneasy with a response.

"Admiral, if you could give us a moment." Both men gave a nod, she watched as Hackett left, hearing the door hiss open and shut she turned to Victus.

"I know you want me to save him, I don't know if it's because he is one of your own, or if you're pretending to care." She moved to the sink, giving her mug a quick was, setting on the drying rack. She looked down at her arm, the blood seeping through was minor, but it was enough to notice. "Did any one think that I needed to be saved? That I wanted someone to reach out to me? Did you not all think I had my own demons I fight with?" She looked at him. "I had everything on my shoulders, everything. All anyone ever did was make sure I was the one to blame for the downfall. I was the savior for maybe a minute before everything else came crashing down. I was forgotten, left behind, even by him. His reasons are his own, but he left Victus, he left."

"You are fighting a losing battle." His stance relaxed, his eyes going to her arm, she didn't hide it, didn't want to. It was for her own reasons. "You fight the mind, the nightmares. You see betrayal at every turn, you see no faith, love."

"Sir?" She brought her brows together.

"You forget, Jane, I lost many more lives than most. I was thrust into the power I now hold. I lost my son for the stupidity of my brethren." His hand gently took her arm, twisting it so he could look at it better. "It is hard, fighting your own mind. Your mind is supposed to be your savior, it is supposed to be your guide, not your nightmare. But this," He laid his other hand over the bandage. "This is never the answer. No matter how dark that mind of yours gets, no matter how compelling the demons voices are, it is never the answer."

"But- "

"Should you ever need someone to talk to. I am here Jane. I may not know much about humans, but the mind is always the same, no matter the body it inhibits."

She watched as he gave a light pat on her arm before leaving. She had forgotten, somehow, of his loss, his own turmoil. He was thrust into his role the same way she was. No one asked if they wanted to be there, they were just put there. What they went through never mattered to the outside world, but to the few who went through it, it was life. With the door closing, the silence filling around her, she had a choice she had to make, and she wasn't sure if she could make it.