Thanks for supporting this story. *Trigger warning ahead, mentions of rape*

Chapter 4

Two Steps Forward, Three steps back

Peridot latest obsession was art. They had been scrolling through some old internet videos when Bob Ross had shown up. Three hundred and fifty videos later Peridot and Lapis had a collection of paints and paper at their disposal. Soon, it was sculpturing and Lapis found herself a new hobby.

"And this is called no way out," Peridot presented, showing Steven and Amethyst a mess of wires meshed together with super glue and yesterday newspapers. "It represents how we are all subconsciously sucked into modern technology with no way out of its precarious clutches!"

"I don't see it," Amethyst muttered, clearly unimpressed.

"What about yours Lapis?" Steven asked excitedly and Lapis revealed a smooth round mud ball in her hand.

"Ooo what's that? What does that mean?"

"Mud...I just liked rubbing it." Lapis answered. She hadn't really thought that Art such as these needed meaning. Peridot had insisted that she put some meaning into them but Lapis simply enjoyed the process rather than the end product.

"That's it?" Amethyst snorted.

"You wanna add meaning into this?" Lapis retorted, "Knock yourself out."

"Anyway~" Peridot interrupted. "How do you like my barn?"

"It's pretty nice, Perry," Steven replied, "I love what you have done to it."

"Uahahahaha, Lapis we did it! We have impressed!"

She raised a hand for a high fived, Lapis shrugged before doing the deed. A resounding clap of hands and the company of friends. The barn despite its derelict appearance was beginning to take shape.

The barn or the haunted garbage that Amethyst liked to call it was Peridot's newest madness. The girl had appeared one day with the barn's deed in her hands. Apparently, she had been saving up from the job and bought the barn when the opportunity came. She soon quit much to the dismay of Mary. Peridot promised to visit often and the cafe soon became another one of their hangout points.

"Hey, a future CEO can't stay in that small one-room apartment." Peridot had replied when Lapis had asked her why she did it. Lapis never questioned but she can't say she wasn't curious about Peridot's past.

The girl never talked about her family ever since that night Peridot had dubbed the "Cafe Incident". Lapis knew not to push after all everybody had their own circumstances and she wouldn't have liked it either if Peridot asked about hers.

The barn became Peridot's home and Lapis found herself hanging out with Peridot more often. First, they fixed the rotten walls with wood planks that Greg had donated. They then painted it and it took quite a long time even with the occasional help from Steven and the other Crystal Gems. Then the furniture came next. Peridot couldn't afford the usual kinds so they improvised. They went to the junkyard and brought back an assortment of "garbage."

Lapis had no idea how they did it but now half a truck hung from the front of the barn, an umbrella painstakingly placed on top of it. Peridot had hooked up the tv and Lapis had carried some bean bags and soon the little truck became a tiny movie theater for the both of them.

Since Lapis was spending so much time at the barn, Peridot hooked up a hammock at the side for her. "To sleep, I know how much you like sleeping." the girl told her, smiling, her bright green eyes shining brightly, dimples on the side of her face. For some reason, Lapis felt her heart beating faster and for days after that, she couldn't look at Peridot without wanting to hug the shorter girl.

Hanging out with Peridot was nice. It felt right and somehow it just fit.

"You seem happy," Vidalia had noticed the fourth time she visited. Lapis had failed to hide the smile on her face when Peridot had messaged her a joke she found on Instagram.

"You met somebody?" She smirked and Lapis has tried to deny it but she knew it was fruitless.

"Well I'm glad you met her," Vidalia had smiled, "You're doing better"

The session ended, and Lapis had felt good.

"Hey, Lapis! Hey!" Peridot's voice broke through her daydream and Lapis found herself seated on one of the bean bags on the half hanging truck. "I'm going to the fair with Steven and Amethyst, you want to come along?"

Lapis winced. She did not like the idea of strange crowded places. "No," she replied.

"You sure?"

"Yes."

"Are you ok?"

"Yes."

"What season are you watching?"

"Three."

"Peridot let's go!" Amethyst snapped.

"Ok, ok...Lapis!" Peridot shouted, "Take care of our house!"

And with that, the girl was gone. "Our house huh…" Lapis felt her cheeks growing hot, she couldn't help the smile that was breaking out. Something was blooming in her chest, something she had never experienced before. It was a confusing feeling, sometimes it made her belly itch, sometimes it made her chest swell and sometimes it made her unbearably hot. It was all so new, so confusing but it was never painful.

"Idiot," she muttered when she spotted the tie Peridot had been wearing earlier in the bean bag next to her. She took it in her fingers, clutching it tightly, pulling it close to her. It smelt of Peridot and that alone comforted her.

It felt like home.

The realization struck her so hard she dropped the ribbon. Her vision blurred and then she felt fear.

Home...this felt like home.

"You're going to destroy it! You always do! When are you going to stop this, I don't need this, we don't need this! Stop it!"

Lapis gasps, the warmth sucked out of her and she stood up shaking. She could not breathe her heart was pounding hard in her chest. Why now...she was doing so well...what happened? Why was this happening again?!

The voices whispered feverishly in her head. Lapis clenched her hands into fists and began hitting her head. The pain was sharp but it allowed her to focus, it allowed her to think. Soon the voices resided and Lapis collapsed on the bean bag, her hoodie soaked with cold sweat. She was panting taking in one shuddering breath at a time.

She felt like she had just run a marathon and she was exhausted. She closed her eyes, feeling the tears coming. Curling in on herself, a sob escaped Lapis's lips.

When was this going to stop? She thought she was getting better? Why was she so weak...how could such a small thing, trigger her in such a terrifying way?

"You know why Lapis."

Lapis shut her eyes, willing for the voice to go away but it didn't. It continued as it always did.

"You monster."

It had been a year since Lapis came and Peridot would never have thought she would care for another human being as much as she cared for Lapis.

The girl was different. She never openly agreed with Peridot's decisions or crazy ideas but she never discouraged them either. Instead, she supported her and sometimes even helped. Amethyst had joked that Lapis was becoming Peridot's little assistant but she didn't feel that way. The girl had protected her from bullies, had saved her from a pervert and had even joined her in her activities. If anything Lapis felt like a partner and Peridot was comfortable around her.

Peridot liked the way she smiled, even the way she challenged her. As much as Peridot hated to admit it, Lapis was pretty smart and her sharp comebacks made conversations fun. It was different with Amethyst. Amethyst is her friend and would always be someone precious but Lapis...Lapis was special and the more Peridot came to understand the girl the more her feelings grew.

One day it hit her. It had been a warm sunny afternoon, Lapis had come over with a few planks of wood. They were fixing up the barn and the wood had been crucial. They took a break for a while in the makeshift pond that Greg and Steven had made two weeks back. Peridot was sitting on a float lazily kicking back on the cool waters while Lapis sat by the edge, her legs dangling in the water. She was wearing her usual black hoodie and blue jean shorts. Lapis was sweating profusely and it stained the front of her hoodie.

"Aren't you hot take that out," Peridot scolded, "You're going to get a heatstroke!"

A look of apprehension passed the girl's face and she glanced at Peridot for a moment. Her azure blue eyes seemingly frightened for some reason but at the same time sad. "I…" Lapis had started but stopped.

The girl was rarely at a loss for words and when she was Peridot usually knew not to push, but Peridot knew her long enough and she understood why the girl wore long black hoodies. She had seen them sometimes, long horizontal marks across her arms and she knew what they were.

"I don't mind Lapis," she whispered gently. Lapis studied her for a moment and something seemed to change between them.

It was their turning point. Lapis lifted her hoodie and discarded it neatly beside her. Beneath it was a white tank top and ugly scars ran down the back of her neck, back, chest. There was not a part of Lapis's body that was untouched and Peridot had to take a moment to compose herself. She could feel anger riding up. The scars on the arms Lapis had done to herself, but those scars on her body they were not natural, somebody had inflicted those scars on Lapis. Peridot swallowed her anger. Lapis didn't need it right now. Not when the girl was wrapping her arms tightly around her body staring at Peridot with wavering blue eyes.

"Don't you feel better," Peridot scooped water from the pond splashing water onto Lapis, and the girl yelped.

It resulted in a water war and soon Peridot and Lapis were drenched from head to toe. They started laughing and afternoon turned to evening. The sky a deep orange purplish hue. Peridot offered Lapis a change of clothes, her favorite black alien T-shirt and some pajama shorts. The girl wore them and Peridot felt her heart catch. Lapis stood in the shadows of the evening sun, her skin glowing, the shirt hugging her slender frame. It complimented her nicely and seeing the girl dressed in her clothes somehow made her happy.

They escaped to the truck lodge in the roof and proceed to watch a season's worth of camp pining heart. The worst season Peridot had complained.

"It's ok." Lapis had countered.

And they had argued. It was well late into the night when they finished and Lapis stood preparing to head back. Her newly bought phone was vibrating in her pocket, Pearl was calling her.

"You're not staying over?" Peridot asked suddenly feeling very lonely.

"Maybe next time," Lapis said and then she noticed it. The bags under Lapis's eyes, the way she was shivering slightly under Peridot's clothing. Her scars were visible on pale skin in the light silver moonlight. The way she held herself, arms taut, wrapping around her body.

The girl was scared...but she was trying to hide it, that much Peridot knew.

"Lapis," Peridot sighed, before she knew what she was doing, Peridot had hugged the taller girl bringing her close. Cold...the girl was freezing...she ran her hands through the scar on the girl's neck and the girl flinched trying to pull away but Peridot held on tighter.

"This does not define you," Peridot muttered. There had been a long pause before something warm rested on Peridot's shoulder, and then she felt it becoming wet. Lapis was quietly crying and Peridot then understood. It had been so simple, it wasn't Quantum physics.

She did not want anything to happen to Lapis. She wanted to protect the girl. She couldn't imagine life without her.

Peridot cared deeply for the girl.

Pearl came by later in her usual pick up van. A questioning look on her face when she found Lapis and Peridot both blushing deeply, seated side by side at the entrance of the half-finished barn. Peridot had whispered her good nights and watched as the van drove off into the distance and then she had felt empty and lonely.

She wanted Lapis to stay but she knew it was impossible. Then she spotted the white tarp sheet that Greg had so generously gave her. An idea popping into her head. She needed to make a hammock.

Lapis came over more often after that and she spent more than a fair share staying overnight, sleeping on the hammock, snoring slightly. Peridot liked watching Lapis sleep. She knew it was a creepy habit but she could not help it. The girl looked peaceful, like a child and it was relaxing. Lapis also dreamt often and sometimes the trashing woke Peridot in her cot. Lapis was always apologetic in the morning but Peridot didn't mind.

Since Lapis was spending so much time in the barn Amethyst gave Peridot the idea of giving Lapis her own key. The purple-haired had found out about Peridot's feelings, which she had unfalteringly tried to deny but failed. Amethyst had been ecstatic and here they were now, at the fair at a locksmith selling his services at discounted prices.

"Do you think she'll accept this?" Peridot muttered staring at the silver key in her hand suddenly nervous for some reason.

"Peridot, listen to me, the girl is practically living at your barn. If anything she likes hanging out with you. She might not admit it to us, but we all know she does. Heck, even Steven knows."

"But don't you think this is too soon? I haven't even told her how I feel?"

"Are you kidding me Peridot?"

"What?"

"Lapis is in-" Amethyst was cut off by a nervously laughing Steven and Peridot frowned. "Lapis is what?" Peridot asked and Steven shook his head.

"Lapis is waiting for us let's get home."

Peridot grumbled, turning away missing the unusual stern look Steven gave to Amethyst who grimaced before nodding.

They arrived back to the barn taking the bus. It was dark when they reached, the silver moonlight casting shadows and light on the grass and trees.

"Ok, we're heading back, good luck!" Amethyst told Peridot who gulped. She watched as Steven and Amethyst disappeared down the open path then turned towards the barn. Where was Lapis?

She proceeded to unlock the front doors with the main key. Lapis wasn't inside. Frowning, Peridot climbed the ladder to the overhanging truck. The television was playing a rerun of season three but Lapis wasn't there either. Peridot felt a strange feeling of dread settling in the pit of her stomach. Something was amiss she could feel it.

"LAPIS!" She shouted. "LAPIS LAZULI WHERE ARE YOU?"

There was no answer, only silence swirling in the dark. Panicking Peridot ran out of the barn looking to the forest, then to the lake than to the roof and then she spotted her, sitting huddled at the edge.

How did she get up there?

"Lapis!" Peridot exclaimed and still, the girl didn't respond. Something was very wrong...she hadn't seen Lapis this distress before. What happened?

She circled the barn and found a few of her junk stacked up messily forming a makeshift staircase to the roof. By the time she made her way up the makeshift staircase, Peridot was exhausted, cursing at her unfit body.

"Lapis?" She called out, after gathering her breath. The girl did not respond and Peridot approached her carefully. The one-time Lapis had gotten like this she had almost thrown Peridot over her shoulder. Peridot did not fancy a reenactment of that, especially not on the roof.

"Lapis talk to me, you got to tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing is wrong Peridot," Lapis muttered her voice hoarse. She had been crying that much Peridot knows.

"Don't lie to me Lapis, I know you long enough to know you're not ok."

"Then what do you want me to say!" The girl snapped, she stood up, whirling around to face Peridot. Her eyes were bloodshot and she looked trapped. "That I'm pathetic, that I can't keep it together that I feel like dying every second I breathe?"

Her admission saddened Peridot. She thought Lapis was passed this, she thought Lapis enjoyed being here with her but apparently...she wasn't enough.

"Lapis…" she started, and then she trailed off suddenly at a loss for words. What should she say? What could she say? She thought she was making a difference but it seemed to be falling apart.

The girl standing in front of her blurred and Peridot was surprised to find tears in her own eyes. She was crying...she hadn't cried since that day five years ago…

"It's best if we don't see each other anymore," Lapis whispered

The girl started to walk past her almost reaching the makeshift staircase when Peridot reached out to grab her, holding her tightly around the wrist. "Stop...I didn't mean to cry," she whispered, "Don't leave me Lapis…please." She pleaded her lips wavering. She felt the girl hesitate and Peridot tightened her grip.

"I need you Lapis. You need to speak to me, you need to tell me what's wrong."

"Peridot let me go." The girl replied, her voice stone cold.

"No."

"Peridot, please." Lapis pleaded this time, the pain in her voice unmistakable "I cannot hurt you, I just can't."

"How are you hurting me," Peridot snapped. "You think you're hurting me, but you're not! You are the single best thing that has happened to me since I left home five years ago! Leaving me like this, would!"

She flinched, her past coming back to her but she still held on. She wasn't going to let go something told her not to.

She felt the tension in Lapis's arms disperse and found the girl staring at her eyes wide in surprise. Peridot felt her cheeks flushed. Did she...admit her feelings?

Ugh! She was such a clod!

But there was no turning back now, not when she came so far. "Stay here with me." She finished.

There was silence and Peridot was beginning to think she made the wrong move. She was about to apologize when Lapis's fingers wrapped around hers.

"You idiot," the taller girl whispered, a cloud shifted in the sky and silver moonlight danced on her features making her glow an ethereal blue.

Peridot couldn't control herself, the girl had looked so beautiful, she leaned forward tiptoeing placing her lips to the taller girl's cheeks brushing past slightly.

She heard Lapis gasps, her heart pounding so hard she thought she was having a heart attack.

"What was that," Lapis stuttered a deep blush appearing on her face.

"I don't know," Peridot admitted.

"Oh is that so."

The girl leaned forward and kissed Peridot on the forehead, pulling away flushing so deeply she was all red. Peridot had no doubt she looked the same.

"What was that?" It was Peridot's time to exclaim.

"Payback," Lapis replied, a sad smile plastered on her lips.

They sat on the roof in silence for a long time after that Peridot's hand over Lapis as they stared into the changing night sky. Dawn broke through an orange hue mixed with dark blue forming a saturated purple. Lapis blue hair swirled gently in the morning breeze, her pale face, her deep blue eyes, distant, the color of the ocean. Peridot gulped, Lapis was beautiful. The urge to kiss her was there again but Peridot held back turning away.

What were they? Her grip on Lapis's hands tightened. She wanted so badly to know but seeing Lapis sitting so peacefully beside her, Peridot knew now was not the time to ask.

They will figure it out later, together. Afterall, Lapis was still here.

What were they? Lapis thought to herself as she watched the shorter girl shifting around the makeshift kitchen, preparing the eggs and bread for breakfast. She watched as the girl smoothly cracked the eggs into a hot pan. Her blonde hair was messy from their night out. Her green eyes sparkling as she lifted the toast from the toaster. Her slightly tan skin, her slender petite body. Her soft lips on skin. The way her baggy clothes hugged around her tiny…

Lapis stopped herself. She couldn't deny it any further. Lapis had been attracted to the shorter girl. She didn't know what this attraction was but ever since saving her from the bullies Lapis had respected Peridot and the girl had continued to surprise her. She remembered her outburst from the night before and she sighed. She could still feel the terror, her form had felt shaky like she would go under but Peridot had held her, and pulled her from the depths.

Peridot plopped the eggs down along with the toast giving Lapis one of her toothy grins. "Behold the best egg sandwich you have ever eaten."

"Just because you followed one Ramsay episode, doesn't make your eggs the best," Lapis stated and the girl pouted.

"Eat before judgment, Lazuli."

"Aye."

And it had been good, the eggs were soft and silky they were smooth and complimented nicely with the slightly burnt toast.

"So?"

"Could have been better," Lapis said, smirking and Peridot smacked her on the back of her head. "You clod, be glad that the great Peridot is even cooking for you. The last time you fried eggs you tried using a blender, how are you going to survive without me."

How did she? Lapis wondered. How did she live her life before Peridot? Did she even deserve this, after all, that she had done?

Lapis paused, she looked at the black shirt Peridot had given her to wear in the morning to replace her dirty hoodie. Her scars showing through the short sleeves. Why would anyone want somebody like her?

She was used to being used and vice versa. But Peridot asked for nothing and all she did was give. A lump formed in Lapis throat. The eggs, toast, the warmth of Peridot's company. Her kindness...it all felt like a dream. A dream too good to be true.

"Lapis, you ok?"

Lapis took in a shuddering breath. "Peridot," determination in her eyes, "promise me, if I ever hurt you in any way, if I ever put you in any danger you would run."

"Lapis you're not going to-"

"Promise me Peridot," Lapis cut her off.

The blonde paused before approaching the sitting Lapis, engulfing her in a hug. Lapis found her face buried in Peridot's chest. The girl smelled of lemongrass and spring, not of cigarettes and beer.

"I promise," Peridot replied softly, "But you gotta promise," she continued, "that you won't leave, not without telling me."

Lapis allowed her to sink into Peridot's embraced the night's events finally catching up to her, she felt immensely tired and her eyes drooped. She allowed herself to drift and she nodded in reply before falling into a deep sleep.

Chains, long metallic chains. They looped like snakes around her wrists, her ankles, and her body. They were pulling her down and she couldn't breathe. Names and faces of the people she had seen die sprung into her mind.

It hurt, it hurt just to breathe.

Jasper had said she was an abomination and maybe she was. Their partnership wasn't an ambivalent one. They used each other as stepping stones for the next step. They had been abandoned, thrown out into the streets and the only way out was to earn a place for them to stay. The girl, Jasper was a taller girl slightly older than Lapis. Despite the skin condition which left white streaks across her brown skin, Jasper had been good looking. With long curly blonde hair which she dyed orange, full lips, and brown chestnut eyes. She could charm anyone she met, a charisma that Lapis did not possess. She was the seller and Lapis the dealer. When the going got tough, Lapis fought. Lapis was strong, it was no surprise though. Before she had been kicked out she had been trained in martial arts, a mixture of Aikido and Muay Thai. Those were the good times and the good times ended when her mother died.

So here she was on the streets, dealing drugs for a gang who called themselves Homeworld. Lapis and Jasper complemented each other in a toxic way. Lapis was cold, aloof and was the only one who was strong enough to handle Jasper who despite her charismatic nature had a terrible temper. Unlike Lapis relatively short-lived happy childhood, Jasper's one had been abusive and Jasper dealt with it by drinking.

Lapis had the scars to prove it. One time it was a knife on her throat and another time cigarettes on skin. Jasper terrified Lapis, but she still stayed. She had no way of leaving, not when she knew the girl for so long. Not when Jasper forced herself onto her. Not when Jasper was the only one she had left.

Their bodies had intertwined. Jasper hitting her, pushing into her, entering her, crying as she did so. Her breath always smelling of booze, always whispering apologies that meant nothing. There had been no consent, it had been excruciating. Jasper was always drunk when it happened. Lapis was strong but the girl was bigger. With her weight, she forced Lapis down with a knife pushing into her neck. Before long, Lapis was on the ground, naked and Jasper was crushing her. Lapis had wanted it to stop but the knife to her throat would not allow it.

When they came too later, Jasper would apologize, she would scream for forgiveness and Lapis would always remain silent, cold as ice. She will not respond. She never did. This would be over Lapis had told herself. Once she had gathered enough, she'll leave this shit hole. She'll leave them all behind. Jasper was the key to her success.

She had used Jasper...and Jasper had used her.

And they had destroyed each other. Greed had consumed them, money blinded them. Lapis thought she could handle it and Jasper had tried to dissuade her.

But they still entered anyway.

Malachite.

Lapis woke with a start, gasping for air. She looked around and found herself on a bed. Peridot's bed. The girl was beside her, head resting on the pillow, hands wrapped around Lapis's. She was sleeping, snoring gently. Lapis grimaced, leaning back, placing an arm over her eyes.

Her heart was beating fast and it showed no sign of slowing down. She could still feel it. Hands touching her, hurting her, the burns and scars burning on her skin. Phantom pain that she could not forget. Peridot muttered in her sleep interrupting her thoughts, her hands warm in Lapis. Somehow it grounded her.

"I'm not there," Lapis whispered to herself and she repeated it over and over again. Tears rolled down her eyes and she closed it, clutching onto Peridot's hands like it was a lifeline before falling asleep again. This time…there were...

No dreams.