AN:

I'm really not sure if this is going to suck or going to be great Anyway, I tried to do some research on the medical things, but then I decided just to improvise. So please don't curse me. This is going to be intense, so be prepared. Have fun and leave me a comment please.

I don't own any of the characters.

Chapter 1

„Mac stop! Wait!" Jack screamed. The former Delta jumped out of the van and saw his friend storming into the building. Shots rang out before Jack had even reached the door. He brought his gun up and carefully entered the old warehouse. The sight that greeted him was gruesome. Mac was lying on the dirty floor, bleeding heavily from several gun shot wounds. The bad guys were nowhere in sight. Jack dropped onto his knees, taking Macs hand in his. „Oh Mac, buddy I'm so sorry," sobbed the Delta. Mac opened his eyes and whispered: „You're too late Jack, you failed me." A small shuddering breath escaped Macs lips and he died. „NO!" Jacks scream echoed through the hall.

„No, please Mac!" Jack shot up in his bead, breathing as if he had run a marathon. His whole body shook, tears were streaming down his face and his shirt was plastered to his skin by sweat. Slowly Jack registered, where he was. He recognized his bedroom and the dream slowly faded. Jack stood up, but he fell right back on his bed. His knees were so weak, refusing to carry his bodys weight. The Delta sat there for several minutes, fighting hard to get his breathing under control. Finally he had calmed down enough. Jack entered his bathroom and took a long shower. When he came back into the bedroom he glanced at the clock, three in the morning. That meant another night with only two hours of sleep. He had stopped counting them, there were simply too many. He slipped into some sweat pants and his favourite Metallica shirt and walked to the kitchen. The coffee machine was his new best friend. Jack wasn't used to be a coffee drinker, but lately he took a liking to it. Probably caused by the constant nightmares and the need to compensate his lack of sleep.

He took his cup and sat down in his favourite chair. The hot strong liquid cleared his head a bit. It was frustrating. Night after night he was robbed of his rest, because of his nightmares. Jack knew why he had the nightmares, but he was at his wits end what to do about it. The constant worry for his partner was the reason for the night terrors, Jack was suffering. Since the death of Zoe Mac hadn't been the same. Jack knew it was cruel, that his friend had to watch the scientists drowning, but it hadn't been Macs fault. On the contrary he was the reason, why the rest of the young people on the ship had survived. But that was not the way Mac saw it. Guilt was eating him alive. All the reasoning and convincing, that Zoes death was not Macs fault were in vain. It was as if Jack couldn't reach his brother anymore. The walls around Macs soul higher and thicker than ever. The blond agent had changed. Sometimes it seemed to Jack as if Mac was punishing himself. Doing combat training in the Phoenix gym for hours until he was beyond exhausted. But the worst was his behaviour when they were on a mission. Mac didn't put his team mates in danger, but he took higher and higher risks from mission to mission. Got into nasty fights with the bad guys, no matter how big they were. Rushing into scenes without back up, but still able to maygyver some way out of it.

Everybody noticed it, but as long as they accomplished their mission goals, Matty didn't try to stop his self destroying behaviour. Jack had a talk with her, but she opted for giving Mac time. They all trusted Jack to bring Mac back out of his own hell. The truth was, Jack wasn't sure how much longer he could stand the situation. He had tried everything. A trip to Macs cabin, a road trip to Texas a silent night on Macs deck. Jack hadn't been able to bring the blond to open up and talk about his feelings. The constant worry for his friend and the pressure from the rest of the team were beginning to take a toll on Jack. He was Macs overwatch and the blond was making his job harder than ever. When they weren't out in the field it was not much better. Trying to stop Mac from making himself sick with his excessive running and training was a real chore. The dark attitude the blond had developed making the situation not easier at all. Jacks nerves were fraying thin. The constant worry and the nightmares made a good nights rest impossible. The coffee helped him a bit to make it through the day, but he was getting short tempered.

After three more cups of the dark brew and the same number of hours racking his brain for a way to help Mac, Jack sighed and stood up. He changed into his work clothes and headed to the Phoenix foundation. At seven o'clock in the morning the gym would be empty. A good opportunity to let of some steam by hitting a punching bag. As he opened the door to the gym, the first thing he noticed was the heavy breathing. A look over to the corner told him, that Mac had beat him. The blond was literally killing the punching bag. His face was beet red and his shirt already sweat soaked.

„Whoa kid, I think the bag had enough for now. And besides, Matty doesn't like to buy a new punching bag every week." Jack tried to make light of the situation.

„You're early," was the short clipped answer he got. Jack sighed. „And so are you, are you ok Mac?"

„I'm fine, why do you ask?" Mac was wary.

„Mac, this isn't you. For weeks now you are pushing your body over his limits again and again. I agree, it's good to be well trained, but you are putting to much strain on your body. You are burning way more calories than you are taking in. Did you look in the mirror lately? Talk to me Mac. Punishing yourself isn't going to make things better."

„That's none of your business Jack. I'm fit, fitter than you old man. Are you concerned I take your role as bad ass Delta?" Mac snapped, grabbed his towel and headed for the showers.

That hit home. Jack sank down on the bench and leaned on his knees, his head buried in his hands. It wasn't what Mac had said to him, it was the way he said those hurtful things. He just didn't know how to approach his friend. He's hurt, he's just lashing out, Jack tried to justify Macs outburst. But at the same time he felt a wave of anger burn through him. Jack walked over to the punching bag. „I'm gonna show you, what an old man can do," with that he let his fury rain into the bag.

Mac stood under the shower, his hands on the wall for support. He was ashamed. How could he be so mean to Jack? Just before he turned around, he had seen the damage the insult had done in Jacks eyes. Disappointment, sadness, hurt and ….anger. A pool of misery expressed in one single moment. A pool of misery was, where he was drowning day after day. It was as if his arms were bound to his body, so he couldn't move to brake through the surface. The undertow of guilt pulling him down again. Mac was lost. He had gone through really tough times in his life, but never was he struggling like this. Somehow his mind knew, that Zoes death was not his fault, but his heart told him a different story. Mac hadn't even been able to give her a little comfort. He couldn't express how he felt. So many emotions burning through his soul. Guilt, grief, shame, hurt were just a few of them. Every single one left a path of pain behind, like a stream of lava was burning down its way. Mac knew he was worrying his friends with his behaviour, but he couldn't stop the feelings that were pushing him down. They just wanted him to be normal again. What could ever be normal again? He failed Zoe, if he had thought harder, acted faster there would have been a way to save her. God, he couldn't get the expression on her face out of his head as she went under. Anger welled up again. A wonderful woman had died a gruesome death and his team wanted him to act as if nothing had happened. A barbecue out on the deck. Sure. A Bruce Willis marathon. Why not? Going out for pizza. Any time. What the FUCK! Anger welled up in Mac. Why couldn't they just leave him alone. He didn't need comfort or hugs from them. He needed Zoe to be alive! The worst of them was Jack. Always observing him, stopping him from overexerting and the same question day in day out. Are you alright? Yeah sure, why should it bother me, that a person had died because of me. Jack was killing people all the time, so why should Mac have a problem with letting down a nerdy scientist. Why couldn't they understand the severity of his failure. Jack always wanted him to talk about it. What's the use? The Delta didn't understand him, he kept repeating the „You know this wasn't your fault kid"-speech. Mac knew Jack only wanted to help, but he couldn't find the way out of this circle of bitterness. He knew, he was pushing the Delta away, but that was self preservation. Mac couldn't deal with the offering of support and sympathy, because he just didn't deserve it. So he tried to at least function like a normal agent would do. Going out in the field, bringing the bad boys down. Period. Mac sighed. He owed Jack an apology, he just didn't know how to do it without avoiding another discussion regarding his attitude. Fuck! He was not in the mood to deal with it today. His body was aching from the boxing. Mac didn't eat much and slept even less. Jack was right, he had lost weight, but Mac just didn't care. He sighed again. Time to face the music. With a little luck, there was no mission to fulfill and he could hide in his lab the whole day.

As Mac stepped out of the shower his cell beeped. Great, Matty ordered them to the war room. He hurried out of the locker room, before Jack would come in to shower. Mac was sitting on the couch in the war room, when the rest of the team strolled in. Jack was the last one to enter. Mac sought eye contact to shoot Jack at least an apologizing look, but the Delta just ignored him. That wasn't lost on the others. Riley sent Bozer a questioning look, but he shook his head slightly.

„Is there something we need to address boys?" Matty asked sarcastically.

Jack shook his head. „Everything is just fine boss. What do we have?" His own punching session was to short to get rid of all his anger, but he was a professional and would push his feelings aside.

Matty nodded. „We've got intel, that there is a lab outside of Denver where two scientists are developing warfare agents."

Mac asked: „What kind of warfare agents, biological?"

„As far as we know chemical, but we're not 100% sure. Our job is to take the scientists into custody and secure the lab and bring back their findings. Your up in 20, any questions?" Matty let her gaze roam between her best two agents, but both pretended not to notice and left the room.

Jack was gearing up, just closing his tac vest and doing a last check of his equipment as Riley entered the room. The Delta sent her a fond smile. „Hey Ri, you ready to get some nerds?"

Riley frowned. „What is going on between you and Mac? And don't say nothing, I'm not dumb Jack."

Jack sighed. „I won't, but this is not the time nor the place to discuss this. How about pizza at my place when this mission is completed? We'll have the time and the privacy to talk about it."

The hacker nodded. „You're right. Thanks for not pushing me away Jack."

„I think Mac does enough of it. No need to let things get complicated between us baby."

„It's getting worse, isn't it?" Riley whispered.

Jack turned away from Riley, not wanting to see her pained expression. „Yeah, and I don't know how to help him anymore. I know you all rely on me to pull him out of this mess, but I … I'm losing him."

Riley grabbed Jacks arm and turned him around. „No you won't Jack. We won't. We'll bring him back."

Jack gave her a hug. „So, enough of it. We have a mission to accomplish. Let's go." He just hoped Riley hadn't noticed, that his eyes were brimming with tears. Riley sighed and followed him, she just had realized that Jack was nearing his limits, she had seen how Jack had fought not to cry and her heart ached for him and Mac.

Please let me know what you think.