Harry was standing to the side watching everyone be happy. Celebrating Ginny's pregnancy. Harry was happy of course, he loved Ginny more than anything. He loved the Weasleys and watching the family grow, and he could even deal with the kids, but now all he felt was fear and confusion his hands were even sweaty.
When he was 'uncle' Harry he could just play with them and leave all the hard stuff to their actual parents. But now he would be the actual parent. How the fuck should he do that? Anytime he tried to think about what he should do, what he was going to have to do. Not to even mention the thousands of horrible things that might happen to him. Not only did war take so many people's lives, add on the batshit violence of his years in Hogwarts. And now he was having to think about his own childhood. Going through what happened to him as a kid and then in adolescence, he was constantly being struck of the thought 'Wow that was some fucked up shit'.
So any joy he should be feeling, and even was somewhere inside was, was suppressed by fear and confusion.
A week went by after the announcement party Harry was reading a book in his bed. It had not been fun for him, his anxiety only growing. He also kept realising that not only did he not how parenting worked at large, but he was hit by the fact he had no idea what things are fine to do to kids and what did the Dursley's do that if he did would make him a terrible father.
Harry felt so guilty he didn't have the urge Ginny did to tell everyone they were having a kid. Her joy and hope were so clear already planning things out asking going through flat listings that had at least one other room. Asking him about nursery rooms and name choices. But not of that made sense, he kind of ignored a lot of this stuff easily been kicked out as too many hands with Hermione and Ron's kids. Harry also never had a real room, how should he know the best plan was so a kid wouldn't need complete overhauls every few years. He'd slept in a closed the first decade of his life. And his room was mostly full of junk and a bed.
Harry realized he was reading the same page six times not retaining any of it. He shut it in frustration enjoying the slamming noise the pages made whacking together. Throwing it at the wall was even more satisfying making a large thump.
The noise must have startled Ginny who suddenly appeared in the doorway.
"what the hell was that?"
"I threw a book at the wall." Harry shrugged.
"And why did you do that I was writing, I didn't need large bangs distracting me."
"The book pissed me off, or rather I got pissed off and the book was just kinda there," Harry said feeling like a fool by the end of the sentence.
Ginny side and plopped herself next to Harry on the bed.
"Want to tell me what's been going on with you?"
"What do you mean?"
"Since we found out I was pregnant, you've been distant and even less able to focus, and sad. and you won't tell me why!"
"I didn't mean to. I'm sorry." Harry said.
"Do you not want the baby?" Ginny said in an extremely soft tone.
"God no," Harry said turning to look at his wife holding himself up with his arm He held Ginny's hand running his finger along the smooth metal wedding band.
He let his hand drift down to softly laying on her stomach. He hadn't meant to make her think he wants her to get rid of the Baby or anything. Of course, he wanted a family, a pang of shame struck him. He was fucking up the best things in his life. Ginny, his future family was his whole world, even being an Auror meant nothing compared to the people he loves.
"Then what's wrong Harry" Ginny turning to face him.
"I know it's wrong that I'm not happy enough, but I'm really scared to be a parent."
Ginny burst out laughing, not the reaction Harry had predicted. He let out a small laugh along with his wife. Whos laughter and sparkling eyes were always contagious, just like her strength or anger.
"Harry I'm scared to. I'm so nervous, I know how crazy life can be, on top of normal parent worries. I mean everyone is scared to be a parent."
"Really?" Harry said slightly confused.
"Of course. But all we can do is do the best by them. There is no manual, and new stuff will happen. Though I know to do it as well as the other parents, with our own flare of course." Ginny explained holding his hand.
"I don't think I know how to do best by them," Harry said gazing down at their intertwined fingers. The previous joy that had been stirred by Ginny's happiness sunk down again. She knew at least some of what to do, but she grew up with Ms and Mr Weasley who seemed a lot more normal.
"What do mean?" Ginny asked her face became very stern.
"I don't know what's normal parenting things. I'm pretty sure locking a kid in a closet is not normal. Kids have rooms, even with two to a room. But is withholding food okay? How much, two days seems excessive. What about locking kids in their rooms? And what's the line between like a smack to the head and choking a kid? " Harry said. His heart rate picked up at the memories he was dredging up.
"Harry what are you talking about? Why would someone even think to lock a kid in a closet? Why would you even think about that?" Ginny said alarmed sitting all the way up eyes snapping to Harry's.
"I didn't make it up! It's what the Dursleys did when I was a kid. It was where I slept."
"Wait are you serious?"
"Why would I lie about that?"
"Oh my god Harry," Ginny said throwing her arms around Harry.
Harry was startled but quickly wrapped his hands around her as well. Confused as all hell but he could never get mad at Ginny hugging him.
"Did they do the rest of those things too?" She said sitting back her she knew they answer to the question, that yeah they did of course they did. But she also did want an answer staring directly into Harry's eyes, needed to hear he it he supposed.
"Well yeah. If I didn't cook well enough or something I didn't eat. Remember when Ron got me from the house, I'd been locked in the room like the whole time. "
"Did they really hit you?" She said her voice soft and sounding on edge o crying.
"My uncle and cousin did. Like I said when they you know actually choked me that seemed wrong, but like what about smacking not all that or guiding or I guess pushing people but like painfully?"
"Harry that's all abuse," Ginny said tears starting to spill out of her eyes.
"Oh, Ginny. I didn't want to make you cry." He said, why was she so worked up, she wasn't the confused one.
"I know I just hate that, I missed this shit. I mean I guess I assumed fighting Voldemort was what fucked you up. I mean I know all my first years and a lot after was all screwy after Voldemort's diary."
"I didn't even know I was all screwy." Harry said with a smile that he didn't even mean to smile."
"God," She wiped her eyes and breathed in shakily. "You were so obviously a mess. Harry you have to understand, you can't just starve and lock up kids. And you really can't hit kids."
"Hh. Well, guess I know that now."
They both half laughed at the comment. The awkward pain palpable but they both seemed to be trying to joke it away.
"We're gonna spend a lot of time trying to tell you what's normal. If you ever think about stuff you don't know if it's normal or abuse. 'operation help harry know what abuse is".
"Alright," Harry said.
Ginny recomposed herself into a stern expression, but Harry wasn't oblivious enough to not recognize the tears right behind her glassy eyes.
"We can get through this Harry. All the way were scared about what could go wrong. And we can work out your shit oo. Just you have to let me in for now on, okay?" She cupped his hand around his cheek.
Harry leaned into her hand locking their other fingers together. Closing his eyes he breathed in the smell of the scent of Ginny's hands partly covered in the ink she wrote her articles in and an ever-present broom wax. The room was scented by the soap they clean their sheets in.
"Okay, together. We'll help each other. Alone is never better."
Ginny kissed him softly, the love that had protected them from violent spells could protect them from their own past as they built a new family.