"There it is." I stare through the binoculars to see the Nazi base. "According to my cactus pal, Donovan, the underground facility I'm looking for is hidden down there somewhere." I can't believe I'm doing this. Mainly for two reasons. One, I am about to fight a Pillar Man. That alone should scare anyone. And two, well, lets just say it's time for the tequila.

"You are clear to go, NEXT!"

Which god to I pray to? My worlds god? JoJo's god? Araki? Welp, I did want to be a voice actor, so here goes nothing.

"All I've got under my skirt is more tequila, big boy. Is it all right to bring that through, too?" I now wish I didn't die on that ship. This is by far the worst thing I have ever done.

The men look at me with straight faces. I put a finger to my cheek and smile. The men raise their guns at me. "Hands up in the air!" One of the men shout. "Any funny moves and we shoot you dead!" The other man says.

I grab two bottles of tequila and walk towards them. "What? Put your guns down. I haven't done anything."

"That's a funny move there."

"FIRE!"

I put my hands in the air. "NOOO! PLEASE DON'T SHOOT! I'm not moving and I've got my hands in the air!"

I put my head to the side. "All right. Damn. You Germans are so smart. You saw through my disguise almost immediately."

"Are you crazy? Of course, we saw through that thing. You're disgusting."

"Even my big sister isn't as ugly as you, and we used her to plow the fields. She was an ox. You should have spent more time in front of the mirror this morning, big sissy!"

"What was that?" I say gaining some anger. The two Germans laugh at me. I point the two bottles of tequila at upwards and fill them with Hamon. The two corks launch out at the palm tree above, causing two pieces of fruit to hit them in the face. I proceed to kick the daylights out of them. "Oh, jeez." They both say simultaneously. I drag them both to the side and change

"Well, that was disappointingly easy. If I can get this thing to fit, this uniform should work nicely."

After looking around for a bit, I was managed to find where Speedwagon was. Once I arrive, I see a very bloated man pointing at a few soldiers. I was hoping to get here earlier. "Which one of you… was foolish enough to disturb my slumber?" A Nazi man backs up, "He—he spoke." Yep, that's clearly Stroheim. "He's clearly capable of higher thought. I'd bet possesses a great intelligence. He just learned our language." A bandaged up man in wheelchair says. Its good old Speedwagon. "Don't you understand that he did that in almost no time?" The two men look at each other.

"Die." The large man says. His hand explodes to another one, like he was shedding his skin. He adjusts his hand position. "What the…" A bullet fires out from his finger, shooting one of the soldiers on the head. He screams in pain before he hits the floor. "That must have been one of our bullets. He's shooting us. He's going to kill us all!"

I walk behind Speedwagon and put on my best German accent. "Let's go, ok man. We better get you to safety. There's no telling how many more bullets that monster might have inside him."

He turns his head. "Just leave me. The last thing I need right now is help promote German flunky."

"What a pain." I walk in front of him. "You never change. I'm glad to see that you're still just as stubborn as ever."

The front part of the large man opens up, revealing another man inside. Judging by his looks, he must be the Pillar Man. What was his name, Santviento?

Stroheim squeals in terror. "S—somebody do something! Open fire! NO STAY AWAY!" I run towards Stroheim grab him by the head. "Pardon me. I'll need a bit of your hair. Just a small handful or two." I begin to pull. "WJAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? LET ME GO!"

"The more you fight, the more it'll hurt."

"YOU ARE ASSULTING A SUPERIOR OFFICER!"

I finally manage to get his hair.

"Who are you?" Speedwagon asks. His eyes light up. "I know that demeanor. But couldn't be."

I began to fill the hair with energy. "I call this one, the old Hamon hair attack!" I toss the helmet off, showing off who I really am.

Speedwagon gasps. "But that means—That means you're…"

"JOSEPH JOESTAR!"

As Speedwagon says that, the Pillar Man begins to fill the soldiers with bullets. "Barrier up!" I use the hairs to create a Hamon shield against the incoming fire.

The bullets stop. All of the Pillar Man's fingers have holes in the tips of them.

"You're going to lose your hair if you're not careful, Mr. German army man." I let go of the hair. "That felt like sandpaper. You should consider investing in a decent moisturizer."

"But how long have you been here, Joseph?"

I put two fingers up to greet him properly. "Eh, just got here."

The Pillar Man picks up a strand of hair. "H—hair."

I start taking off the disguise. "Sorry I took so long. I'd have been here sooner, if I'd known what kind of party was going on."

"JoJo… I've heard so much about you." Stroheim says. "Listen, and listen well. Santana here, the so-called Pillar Man, uses the mask to turn men into vampires. He does this to make them stronger, and then to devours them."

Ah, so it's not his localized name. Good. Better to stick with Santana than Santviento.

"DESTROY HIM! TAKE HIM OUT WHILE THERE'S STILL TIME!"

I pull the jacket of the uniform off, revealing my black tank top. I walk towards him with my hand out. Why does my Joseph side tempt me so much?

"DON'T DO IT, JOJO! HE'S DANGEROUS!" Speedwagon advises me.

I keep getting closer. Closer. Annnnd. I tap the Pillar Man on the nose.

"Boop."

Hehehe. I booped him on the nose. WHATCHA GONNA DO NOW!

I jump back and chuckle. The Pillar Man, Santana, keeps a straight face.

"I get it. You're one of those strong, silent types, right. Ever thought about modeling. You've got a nice look there. Come on. Let's see what you got. Give me a smile."

Stroheim and Speedwagon stand there shocked.

"I know you can do it. Show me some vulnerability. Work with me here. Make some love to the camera. Ready? Set? Give me happy. Now be silly. Show us those pearly whites." I hop around while saying that. I end it with a smile. How can I joke around while I have a good chance of dying?

"Come on, big guy. Smile at the birdie."

"JOJO, STOP THIS NONSENSE IMMEDIATELY!" Stroheim tells me.

"Don't provoke him. Please, JoJo, Santana is dangerous." Speedwagon Says.

I point at the Pillar Man. "Yeah, I know you think he's dangerous, I have a theory that maybe he's not so bad. Let me test something out here. I don't want to assume he's evil just because he killed a bunch of brainless—"

"WHAT ARE YOU, INSANE? IF HE'S IS NOT EVIL, WHY DID HE KILL ALL MY MEN?"

I turn my finger to Stroheim and point to his face. "Don't know. Some would say you're responsible for what happened. Weren't you the one experimenting on him and trying to blast him away in the first place?" I then stick my fingers in the tips of his nostrils. "Not that I really care about that. The only reason I'm here is to make sure that Speedwagon makes it back to New York safe and sound. Anyway, I'm not here to fight," I then flick my fingers back out of his nose. "and I'm feeling generous. Come on. Loosen up, big guy." I keep up with the posing. "How 'bout that smile?"

Santana proceeds to walk right through me without a word. "That was rude. He just walked through me like I wasn't even there. Who the hell does this guy think he is?"

I get an idea to trip him, but I won't see it through. I feel like he would just knock me down. Santana walks up to a gun and picks it up.

"What is this.. this tool? Cold and long, with many different pieces."

"HE DOES UNDERSTAND! HE'S NOT SIMPLY MIMICKING! It took him practically no time at all to completely master our language.

Santana begins to dismantle the gun thoroughly as if he knew how it was made. Damn. I forgot about this.

"It takes a soldier many hours to learn how to field-strip his weapon that fast!" Stroheim says shocked.

"He's—he's using his advanced intellect to learn everything." Speedwagon says to us.

Santana faces the lights. "So bright. This light is a new to me. What is this?"

"Don't you see? We weren't the ones observing all this time. He was actually watching us!"

I put my helmet against Santana. "Hey, big guy, you want to learn a new joke? Just stop me if you've heard this one before. Knock knock, knock knock."

"JOJO! GET AWAY!" Speedwagon commands me.

"You are playing games, primitive. I do not want to play games."

Suddenly, spikes come out of his side to attack me. I put my fists up with Hamon to protect myself. These aren't just normal spikes, its his ribcage. He extended his ribcage to turn around and attack me. I do not want to know what Pillar sex is like.

"JOJO!" Speedwagon yells out!" With the combination of my Hamon against his ribs, it sends me flying into the ceiling. "ARGH!" I fall down onto my back.

Santana starts talking, but I am more worried about myself and the others to care about what he's saying.

I then hear Speedwagon scream in pain. "JOJO, PLEASE! MALE IT STOP, PLEASE!"

I start to get up. "Speedwagon." That bastard. "Let the old man go, Santana!" I get up to my feet. "Now, I'm in the mood. Come on, big guy. You wanna try and take me on?"

"It would seem that humans have evolved their confidence."

I jump forward for the first attack.