Okay, I seem to be in a fic-writing mood. Holidays and a very-absent-boyfriend will do that to you. Okay, so I only really finished off a half-written fic, but still. This fic was finished quite a while ago - just decided to post it now. ^_^

Warnings: innuendo, OOC, hopefully humour, language, VERY mild lime, pointless silliness, utterly ridiculous title
Pairings: Schuldig/Yohji/Ken
Disclaimer: me no own. If I did, they'd probably all end up being this silly and then no none would care any more. ^_^
Archive:

Note: a very long time ago Pickles gave me a challenge, as was her right being the #666 visitor to the Temple of Lunacy. It involved, Schuldig, Yohji, Ken, angst, and a lemon. Well, I fulfilled that request - but this was the first thing that popped into my mind when I heard that. No lemon or angst though, which is why it's not the official counter fic. ^_^ Anyways, enjoy!

Ken's Harrowing Experience
by Anria

Ken woke suddenly, heart pounding in his chest at the shock. He strained his ears to catch what had woken him up-

Oh. That.

Ken groaned and rolled over, yanking his pillow over his head. For the eighth night in a row - the eighth night in a row - Yohji had brought someone home with him. He'd learned the hard way that it was a good idea to be asleep before they got back - if you wanted to sleep at all.

Of course, being woken up by Yohji and his companion was not a good thing either, if you wanted to sleep at all.

Ken clamped the pillow down harder over his ears, trying in vain to drown out the moans, grunts and rhythmic banging coming from directly below him. He wondered how the hell Omi slept through that, since he was right next to the oversexed idiot.

An hour later, it became apparent that Yohji and his friend were trying to break the world record of the number of consecutive fucks between one couple. They'd paused for maybe, ooh, three minutes? If he felt inclined to be generous, that is. And he didn't. Not at all.

A particularly loud thump sounded from below, accompanied by an equally loud groan. Or moan. Ken couldn't decide which word described it best.

And then he realised he was debating over the description of a noise made in the middle of sexual intercourse, directly below him, by someone he'd probably never meet, in Yohji's room, for the eighth time in a row, who had been making about the same noise almost constantly for an hour now.

When he wasn't the one getting some. Or any, for that matter.

He felt he was highly justified in getting pissed off.

Ken sat up, threw the pillow across the room, grabbed a baggy old t-shirt and some fairly ratty old trousers to throw on so he wasn't just in his boxers when he yelled at Yohji, shoved his feet in his trainers and stomped downstairs. Well, not exactly stomped per se - he would have stomped, but that would have woken up Aya. And an Aya who's been woken up against his will would most likely be the last thing he'd ever see.

So he walked softly but pretended to himself he was stomping all the way to Yohji's room. He paused outside the door, wondering whether he should actually barge in on his teammate in the middle of coitus and ever be able to look at him again without blushing-

Someone moaned. Someone moaned very loudly. Someone moaned very loudly from inside Yohji's room.

That did it.

Ken wrenched the door open, absently startled that it was unlocked and stomped - yes, he let himself stomp properly this time - into the apartment. "Yohji!" he bellowed. "For God's sake, man, some people would like to-"

As the scene that had unfolded before him finally sank into Ken's brain, his mouth suddenly stopped moving. Jaw hanging open, he stared.

Yohji had someone face down in his crotch. Okay, so maybe that wasn't that unusual. (Although Ken watching it was.) But what was particularly unusual was that the someone was male, and had long, bright orange hair.

Hmm, now let's think about this, shall we? Male. Long orange hair. Of course, you know soooo many people by that description, eh, Hidaka?

Ken stared, jaw opening and closing like a fish. Yohji's eyes were squeezed shut, head thrown back as he moaned, the fingers of one hand clenching and unclenching in the hair of the head bobbing up and down over his cock. Ken couldn't see his other hand - and then suddenly realised he didn't want to.

Schuldig was making slurping noises. Some small part of his brain found this hysterically funny, while the rest of it sat there, eyes bugging out, and gaped.

Schuldig had a very nice ass, Ken decided.

Then yelped, jumped around, and ran out of the room like a bat out of hell. He slammed into his own room at top speed and dove into his bed, hiding under the covers.

I did NOT just think that Schuldig has a nice ass.

Oh, crap, I did, didn't I?

"Kenken! Open the bloody door!"

Ken jumped about three feet off the bed, then yanked the covers over his head and huddled in a ball, whimpering.

"The door's open, Kudou."

"Well, excuse me for trying to be polite!"

"Polite? Polite?! You call hammering on his door telling him to open the bloody thing is polite?"

"Yeah, well. . . ."

"Just go inside, idiot."

Ken tried to bury his head further in his arms, praying that the ground would open up and swallow him before they got into the bedroom.

Eh, God had never liked him anyway.

Yohji grabbed a corner of the duvet and yanked, sending him tumbling over onto his back to blink wide, petrified eyes up at the man. Yohji grinned. "Rise and shine, Kenken!"

Well, this is interesting, Ken thought to himself. Yohji's actually still naked. I would never have the guts to walk through the house completely naked.

Schuldig's face suddenly appeared over Yohji's shoulder. "But he looks so good naked, doesn't he, Kenken?"

Ken yelped and scrambled backwards quickly, retreating until his back hit the wall.

"You don't have to go scare him like that," Yohji told Schuldig. "I'm trying to UN-scare him after that shock you gave him."

"That shock I gave him? I didn't hear you complaining!"

Yohji glowered at him. "You didn't have to come with me, you know."

Schuldig grinned. "Oh yes I did. Eavesdropping on the two of you wouldn't be nearly so much fun."

Yohji rolled his eyes and stepped away from the German - revealing, in the process, that said German was as naked as he was. "I don't know why I put up with you."

"For my beauty and brilliance, of course."

Yohji rolled his eyes again and dropped down in front of Ken, who stared at him with eyes that looked as though they were going to fall out of his head any second. "Kenken, I know this is a shock and all," he began.

"And Yotan's not helping by standing before you in the nude," Schuldig snickered.

"Shuddup, you," Yohji said to him over his shoulder, then turned back to Ken. "Um, can we talk about this without you huddling on the floor like I'm gonna go crazy and attack you or something?"

"You bloody well ARE crazy!" Ken yelled, launching himself to his feet. "That's Schuldig, in case you hadn't noticed!"

"Oh, he noticed all right," Schuldig said, lazing on Ken's bed. He snickered, examining his nails. "Unless he happens to know someone else called Schuldig whose name he was yelling. . . ."

Yohji glowered at him. "You're a sadistic bastard, you know that?" he asked rhetorically. "You just love seeing people squirm."

"You're no better," Schuldig shot back. "Why else would you have let me come with you?"

Ken's harrowing experience had obviously tripped his mind into automatic hentai mode, since that created some rather amusing images.

Schuldig gave him a surprised look. "Why, Kenken, I didn't know you had it in you."

Ken's mind came up with some more amusing images.

Schuldig cracked up. "Oh, how could you have overlooked this one, Kudou!" he cackled.

Ken's mind couldn't come up with some more amusing images for that, but that didn't mean it wasn't trying.

Schuldig sat up and peered at Ken, rubbing his chin in a thoughtful manner. He looked at Yohji, and Yohji looked at him.

Yohji blinked.

Schuldig smirked.

Yohji's eyebrows shot up to his hairline.

Schuldig smirked some more.

Yohji looked back and forth between Ken and Schuldig.

Ken . . . Schuldig . . . Ken . . . Schuldig . . . Ken . . . Schuldig . . . Ken . . . argh! Dizzy!

Ahem.

Yohji started smirking.

Schuldig kept on smirking.

They both looked like cats who got the cream. Or . . . were going to get the cream.

Ken was getting scared.

They pounced.

Ken found himself on his back on the bed, with a fairly businesslike Schuldig and Yohji methodically removing all his clothes. Schuldig was tugging on his trainers, pulling them off and then dropping them to the side like they were rotten fish. Yohji examined his top, shrugged, and proceeded to hook his fingers in some of the larger holes and rip it apart.

"Er, guys, what exactly are you doeeeeeeeeEEEEE DON'T TOUCH THERE!"

Schuldig grinned at him, and wiggled his fingers.

Yohji's face suddenly filled his vision, wavy blond hair tickling his nose. "Aw, come on, Kenken, don't be such a spoilsport," he said, pouting. The pout didn't sit very well when combined with the merry look in his eyes.

"Er, Yohji? Did you forget that we're Weiss, and he's Schwarz?" Ken absently moved to kick Schuldig, then remembered where the man's fingers were and froze.

[Clever boy, Kenken.] "And there is no Weiss and Schwarz, just a darker shade of grey," Schuldig told him, peering over Yohji's shoulder.

Yohji rolled his eyes and elbowed him. "Will you stop with the grey thing already?" he demanded.

[When you admit that I'm right.]

"Be waiting a bloody long time then," Yohji muttered. He tore another hole in Ken's shirt.

Ken stared at him. "Uh . . . Yohji. . . ."

"Yeah?"

"What exactly are you two doing?"

Yohji gave him a Look. "What, are you really as dumb as you look?"

Ken bristled. "Hey, where do you get off-" Yohji took the most direct route to shutting him up: he kissed him.

Hmm, this is kinda nice, Ken found himself thinking. Then blinked. What the hell?! This is not nice!

[Liar, liar, pants on fire,] Schuldig whispered to him. Come to think of it, what Schuldig was doing with his hand was kinda nice, too. . . .

No! No it isn't!

[I really don't feel like repeating myself.]

You're SCHWARZ!

[And you're Weiss. And this is sex. It doesn't have to be anything more - and from the looks of things in here, you don't get laid that often. Grasp this opportunity, Kenken.]

Yeah, but. . . .

[But what?]

Oh, hell with it, Ken thought, and kissed Yohji back. Just don't call me Kenken.

Sex with two people in bed with you was . . . certainly interesting, he found himself thinking. Schuldig seemed to have more hands than he should do, and Yohji could do things with his mouth that. . . . Yeah. Right. Time to stop thinking. Brain, go entertain yourself somewhere else.

Some time later, Ken woke up. Waking up with two people in bed with you was almost more interesting than sex with them, he decided. There was this interesting noise when he pulled away from them, almost like ripping - oh. Wait. It was. Silly them, they'd forgotten to clean up before they fell asleep last night, so now certain bodily fluids were sticking their skin together. Sitting up was almost painful.

Lovely, Ken thought sourly.

[Lovely is quite definitely the exact opposite of the word I would use to describe this mess,] Schuldig's voice sounded in his head. Ken watched the shaggy head of orange hair shake itself and lift upwards so one bloodshot blue eye could glare at him. [Do you always make a habit of thinking this loud so early in the morning?]

Do you always make a habit of being a lazy bastard? Ken shot back before he could stop himself.

[Why, yes actually, how good of you to notice.] Schuldig eased himself away from Yohji and stretched. Almost against his will, Ken found himself observing the play of muscles underneath the redhead's skin and admiring them. Then he shook himself. He's Schwarz, remember? he thought. Schwarz. Biiiig nono. Very big nono. HUGELY big nono. Bad Ken. Bad.

Schuldig snickered at him. [Do you always baby-talk to yourself?] he asked.

It was very childish - and probably proved Schuldig's point in an obscure way - but Ken stuck his tongue out at him.

[Is that an invitation?] Schuldig purred, rolling onto his side.

NO!

[Aw, come on, Kenken, learn to have a little fun.] Schuldig smiled winsomely up at him, propping his head on one hand. It was very disconcerting, seeing Schuldig smile winsomely.

And now he was pouting. Did the man not know any normal facial expressions?

You're Schwarz, bastard.

[My mother was legally married when I was born, thank you. And what's that got to do with anything?]

Ken rolled his eyes and pointed at Schuldig. You Schwarz. He pointed at himself. Me Weiss.

[Hmm, makes a change from "Me Tarzan you Jane", I have to admit.]

Ken glowered at him. How could he be making jokes about the life or death matter that this was?

"Life or death, Ken?" Schuldig said out loud. He moved silkily up the length of Ken's body, never quite touching, until he was on eye level with him. Ken watched him warily, too scared to do otherwise - the joking Schuldig, strange as it had been, he could deal with. This was . . . this was. . . .

"It's just sex, Ken," the redhead murmured against the other man's lips. "No strings," a kiss "No provisos," another kiss "No hidden clauses," a third, slightly longer and deeper kiss "Nothing . . . but . . . sex." Cupping Ken's face in his hands, Schuldig kissed him deeply, tongue delving into his mouth. Almost against his will, Ken found himself responding, hands clenched in the other man's mane of hair. Eventually, Schuldig pulled back, both of them breathing a little harder. He licked his swollen lips, eyes on Ken's, and said, "I may bend the truth, but I don't lie. If I say this is just for fun, then it is."

"Whose fun? Yours or mine?" Ken whispered.

Schuldig burst out laughing and fell backwards, landing on Yohji. [I would hope, ours,] he said as Yohji rolled over and demanded quite loudly exactly what the man was trying to achieve in disturbing him from his rest, because if it was sex there was a quite attractive Ken sitting right over there who, since he hadn't run screaming yet could probably be counted on for another few rounds, and if Schuldig even dared to think that Yohji would be up for any sex this early in the morning he could take his dick and shove it up his own ass, rather than Yohji's.

[He's being a spoilsport,] Schuldig pouted at Ken, then suddenly a wicked grin formed on his face. Ken found it odd that he hadn't seen the smirk yet one that morning, and even more odd that he really didn't find it all that strange. [Want to help me convince him there's a good reason to get up in the morning?]

Ken grinned.

Yohji looked from one to the other with an increasing degree of alarm, but "Uh oh, I don't like the lo-" was as far as he got.

And they screwed happily ever after.

[Owari]

Well? How was that? Come on, tell!