Feelings

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

Summary: Going through a difficult time in their respective lives, Sarah and Ethan find themselves drawn to each other. After spending a night together, they have to figure out what that means for them… what they mean to each other. (Ethan/Sarah, mention of cheating)

Set during the second half of Season 3.

Ethan was tired… so very tired.

He was tired of defending his opinions and actions in front of April. He was tired of trying to keep up with her constant changes of heart. God, she was just as fast to change her mind as she was to judge him.

Sometimes, he felt like a failure even though he knew he'd stand by his decisions any day.

Sometimes, he felt grateful to have someone to hold him.

Sometimes, he just wanted to leave it all.

And yet, he always found himself crawling back…

There was a movement in the darkness of the roof and when he turned his head, he saw a figure hiding in the shadows.

"Sarah?" he asked when he managed to recognize the figure hiding in the dark. He watched as she slowly took a couple of steps forward, just enough for her to get into the light. Ethan regarded her for a moment. She looked about just as bad as he was feeling at the moment. Her back was hunched as her arms hugged herself. She forced her eyes to meet his and when she finally looked away, he could see her throat flex.

She turned slightly head cast down and Ethan found himself drawn closer to her. He stopped, though, not wanting to intrude if he was not welcome.

"Come here," he told her gently, opening his arms in invitation, and she slowly walked into his arms. If he felt drained because of his life, he could only wonder how she felt.

As silent sobs shook her shoulders, he wondered when he had last seen her smile.

"Hey," with his fingers under her chin, he slowly raised her head when he felt her calm down. "You can talk to me, okay? Whatever it is, I'm here."

She held his gaze for a long time, then she slowly nodded. As her hair brushed against his cheek, he realized how close she was. And his thumb was gently moving on her cheek. It stopped abruptly.

"I don't want to talk," she croaked, her eyes not leaving his. He was captivated by them.

Suddenly he realized that her hands hadn't been idle, either. As a matter of fact, her fingers were circling his hipbones over the fabric of his scrubs.

He opened his mouth to say something but whatever it was he'd meant to tell her was lost in the chilled April air.

He felt warm under her unguarded gaze.

Then they kissed. He didn't know who started it, all he knew was that it felt so damn good. And he was quite certain that it shouldn't be so.

But her warmth was so inviting and he was so reluctant to leave it that he prolonged the kiss just for a little longer.

"I can't do this, Sarah," he gently told her when their lips parted and reality crashed in.

"I know," she whispered, casting down her eyes and stepping out of his embrace. "I'm sorry." And her arms were back around her.

His heart broke for her.

"Sarah, don't," he stepped closer once again and gently took hold of her hands. "I don't want you to feel bad."

"At least I'm feeling it," she let out a rueful chuckle through a new wave of tears.

He held her hands wordlessly not sure what to do but, then, they were back to kissing, Sarah melting into him as if she belonged there. And he was lost. Once again, his mind was scrambled and he could feel his resolve crumble. Would it be so bad… to let it happen? He wanted it. He was becoming more and more certain as the seconds ticked by. And the idea of it was becoming less and less ridiculous. Sarah was there in his arms warm and willing. He hadn't felt so wanted in a long time.

There was only one thing…

"Sarah," he whispered into the cold night air as Sarah was kissing his neck but she did not stop. "Sarah, hey," he repeated, demanding her attention by gently lifting her head to make her look at him. "Do you want it?" God, he wanted it.

Sarah nodded.

"Do you really want it?" He had to make sure.

That made her stop for a moment but then she began to speak. "I want to feel… I… Can you give that to me?"

Now he was the one nodding wordlessly. For a moment, she seemed to be weighing her options. God knows, he was doing the same.

"Meet me at my place," she finally croaked and all his doubts disappeared.

She closed the door slowly, more deliberately than necessary and, the same time she heard it klick closed, she could also feel Ethan press against her back, gently placing his hands on her hips. His warm breath tickled at the nape of her neck.

Was she sure? she contemplated. Was she sure she wanted to sleep with a taken man?

No, she was not.

Was she sure she wanted to sleep with Ethan?

Just the idea of it thrilled her, warmth pouring into her lower abdomen. And she was not letting go of that feeling. Not now.

As an answer, she took his right hand and guided it towards her center. And just like his hand reached the front of her, his hips bucked into her back.

Oh, yes, she was sure.

Sarah woke the next morning extremely aroused.

She suspected she dreamt something so she went with it, clinging to the remnants of the feeling with everything she had. She was just contemplating moving and helping herself to ride the feeling out when another hand beat her to it, gently parting her legs. She went with that, too, without opening her eyes but when a nose burrowed into her folds, she let out a surprised yelp.

It was the loss of contact that made her open her eyes and she found Ethan practically sprawled between her legs.

"Sorry," he said sheepishly, pulling himself to sit on his heels. And dear God, he was a sight for sore eyes! The night before, she hadn't got the time to fully appreciate the man and the sight of him now, in all his naked glory, rendered her into a hot mess.

"For what?" she managed to croak, suddenly feeling exposed.

"I didn't want to disturb you… or make you feel uncomfortable. I just couldn't resist."

She was feeling uncomfortable all right. She was throbbing like hell.

"It's all right." She squirmed a little. "I'm just not used to… somebody being here with me when I wake up like… this," she let out an embarrassed chuckle at that, hoping for not killing the mood.

"You don't mind?"

Why was he asking such things? She'd just said that, right?

She shook her head. "But you should really finish what you have started because I do feel rather uncomfortable here," she told her, bucking her hips ever so slightly.

He put his hands on her pulled-up knees, stroking the length of her thighs. She closed her eyes. That felt so much better than her own hands.

"Is that a kink of yours? Getting off women while half asleep?" She opened her eyes and narrowed them at him as the thought occurred to her. "No judging here," she added.

"There is just something enchanting about watching a woman's body slowly awakening… to watch how sleep gives way to passion."

"That is extremely corny but, by all means, proceed. I'm all for lying back and let you do all the work."

"Are we good?" Ethan asked, his hands still working on her legs but otherwise not making any movement to resume his previous activities.

"We won't be if you don't get back down there."

"Yes, Ma'am." She could feel his smile on her inner thigh.

And they were good. They did not exactly spend time together in or outside of the hospital but there were no awkward feelings after their night, well, and morning together.

She surprised him. She kept surprising him.

When he had stroked her into alertness that morning, he expected her to be mortified… or affronted, like April had been when he tried to do the same to her. But instead, Sarah was complaisant under his ministrations, completely giving herself up to him, trusting him.

She had been so wonderfully responsive to his every touch even the night before. He expected awkwardness but there was none. She knew what she wanted from him and she was ready to give in kind.

He treated her with care and respect.

He couldn't bring himself to regret what he had shared with Sarah.

He could not forget, either.

Sarah was a mess. Well, there was nothing new there but she was getting really tired of it.

Her life felt more and more off track in the last couple of months and she wondered whether she'd ever find her way back to normal.

She felt anger, disappointment and loneliness and, at the same time, she feared that she wasn't feeling anything at all.

She was slowly going insane, she was sure of it.

She thought about going to Dr. Charles but, of course, she wanted nothing to have with him at the moment… or ever again.

She thought about Ethan.

She thought about how good it felt to be in his arms. It shouldn't have felt so good.

She was seriously pondering the pros and cons of seeking him out when there was a knock on her door.

She could practically feel her world tilt back into its place as she fell into his embrace with a relieved sob.

He would make it all go away just for a little while.

He was wondering more and more about what they were just doing because it sure was not just sleeping together. But Sarah never broached the subject. He wasn't even sure it was a subject to Sarah, to begin with.

When they spent time together, she seemed content but when he had no time, she did not complain. She was interested in his life without being pushy.

And she did not judge.

She was so easy to be around even if her own shoulders, too, were burdened with life.

They accepted those burdens and bore it together… like a couple.

That thought made him stop and look at her in surprise.

"What is it?" she asked looking up from her book as they were reclining on her couch in comfortable silence.

How blind he had been!

"Nothing," he smiled at her, discarding his journal. "Something's just occurred to me."

"Care to share?"

"Yeah," he told her, reaching for her and pulling her into his lap. "Just not now," he breathed against her lips while his hands ran along her sides. He felt her shiver.

There was some shushing around the nurses' station as Sarah stopped by one of the computers to do her report on her current patient. She didn't pay much heed to it until, from the corner of her eye, she noticed Doris indicating in her direction. It was hard to miss as the other woman was hardly subtle.

She tried to ignore them after that. She suspected they were talking about her father and his arrest and she was really not in the mood for that.

But then, Doris walked up to her and, though the others tried to keep her back, they drew just a little bit closer, too.

"Hope you're happy," her tone was ice cold and accusing.

"Excuse me?"

"Sleeping with another woman's man."

It was when it hit her. Ethan was cheating on her girlfriend with her.

She knew that. Of course, she knew that. Ethan had made sure that she knew what she was getting herself into. And it had never been meant to be a recurring thing…

But it happened and she went with it because she felt… she felt… all right when she was with Ethan. She took what he offered her and she was grateful for it.

"Was it worth it? To be the other woman?" And just that was it. She had never felt that she was the other woman. "To break up a couple?"

"Break up?" she heard herself breath in a stunned whisper before she could have stopped herself. Doris scoffed and said something but Sarah hadn't been paying any attention by then. She just turned away and left.

How selfish she had been!

Sarah was avoiding him, that much he had suspected.

What he had really not expected was that Sarah was actually considering leaving Gaffney and leaving Chicago altogether. He might have been just too late to see the truth. They were a couple in every sense of the word. Or, maybe, it was just him and Sarah had no attachment to him whatsoever. That would explain her abrupt decision to leave.

But he would be damned if he'd let her leave without telling her how he felt. He owed it to her… he owed it to himself.

After he'd knocked on her door, there was some shuffling inside and he could hear her walk up to the door. It took her some time, however, to actually open it.

As Ethan stepped into her apartment, Sarah took a couple of steps back and stood seemingly frozen to the spot. Her shoulders were hunched as she was hugging herself. Just like that night when…

"Sarah…" What had he done?

"I'm sorry," she sobbed at last, her tears falling on her cheeks. "I'm so sorry." He stepped closer but she also took a step back. "I didn't want this to happen. I didn't want you to break up. I just wanted to feel… I just wanted to feel loved."

This time he did not care that she protested. He pulled her into his arms, holding her close to him, cradling her head into his shoulder.

"You are loved, Sarah. Never doubt that," he said into her hair. "You are loved."

She calmed down after a while and pulled away.

"I'm so embarrassed," she told him putting some distance between them, all the while trying to wipe away her tears. "This is not me, Ethan. I wouldn't do one-night-stands, not to mention having affairs."

"What brought this on, Sarah?"

"I heard the nurses talk the other day," she started after a short period. "They confronted me about it, actually. I hadn't really thought about it until then. I broke up your relationship."

"Hey," he gently pulled her back closer and raised her head. "You didn't do that, okay? I chose to come here. I chose to come back. I am sorry for putting you into this situation. You shouldn't have been caught up in this. And, for what it's worth, I am sorry for cheating on you." That made her really look him into his eyes. Ethan gave her a smile. "You gave me a reason to walk out of it. It was over a long time ago, I was just not ready to admit that. But you made me realize something." Sarah listened on attentively. "You said you wanted to feel loved. I did, too. And that night, there was something. I felt it. You must have felt it. It was that, Sarah. Love. Otherwise neither of us would be here now. I love you."

"I think I know," Sarah acknowledged with a tentative smile. "But I don't know how to do it. The couple thing."

"You're doing wonderful."

"I love you," she allowed with a relieved smile. Ethan kissed her forehead and pulled her into his arms. "Where does this leave us?" she asked after a little while.

"You want to leave…" Ethan sighed, not letting her go, "…and for good reasons, too, I imagine. Not just the nurses' gossiping about something that's none of their business."

"How do they know about it anyway?" Sarah lifted her head to give him a questioning frown.

"Well, I told April the truth. Or, at least, that I love someone else. Maybe they put two and two together. I'm sorry. I didn't wa…"

"You told her you loved me?"

"I owed her the truth." She nodded in understanding.

"I can't go back to Gaffney," she added after a short period of silence. "I can face the nurses. Hell, I can face April… but I can't work with Dr. Charles." Her expression was thoughtful as she considered her situation but, then, a smile lit up her face. "But fortunately for us, there are other hospitals in Chicago," she concluded.

"Does that mean that you stay?"

"I've already found what I was looking for," she admitted with a timid smile. "I don't have to go for that to another city."

Looking into her eyes, Ethan had no idea how he had gotten so lucky.

Sarah was alone in bed when she awoke but she could hear the shower running. She smiled. Finally, she had made up her mind and it felt good.

She wanted to be with Ethan and the rest would work itself out.

Yes, they had messed up when they stumbled into bed together while Ethan was still seeing April but she was sure that everybody involved would get through it eventually.

Still, the timing was really bad and it just added to the long list of failures and disappointments of her life. So, when it all came crashing down, she quit her job ready to leave everything behind.

She'd been running, she'd admit to that now. She'd been running from her work, from her father and Dr. Charles… from Ethan and their complicated relationship. But Ethan caught her, ready to fight for what he wanted. And he wanted her as ridiculous as it sounded. Her. Them. And at the end, that was something she was ready to fight for as well.

The ringing of Skype pulled her out of her thoughts and she sat up, reaching for her phone.

"Connor," she greeted the man on the other end. They hadn't got the chance to properly talk ever since she handed in her resignation.

"Hey, there. I was just wanted to ask whether you are still here… as in Chicago."

"I am." She smiled, sitting up in Ethan's bed.

"Good. Do you need help with the packing or… anything? Because I'm happy to help. Well, obviously not happy… But I'm here."

"Thank you," Sarah smiled at her friend then her eyes were attracted by the sight of Ethan walking back into the room, wearing only a small towel around his waist. "But I decided to stay after all," she added momentarily distracted by the sight of Ethan's well-defined back as he stopped by the large window, looking out at the city. "In Chicago, at least."

"Really? That's great. What made you change your mind?"

Sarah took a moment to appreciate the view from the bed. "Well, I find that I really like the Chicago skyline," she smiled and, changing the camera, she lifted her phone to show Connor what she was just talking about. At Connor's hearty laugh, Ethan turned his head to give her a bemused look over his shoulder then went to join her on the bed.

"Well, at least somebody managed to persuade you to stay." Connor allowed, amusement ringing clear in his voice.

"I did my best," Ethan grinned, sitting down behind Sarah.

"I don't doubt it," Ethan laughed again. "Good for you."

It definitely was, Sarah agreed.

THE END

So, I'm rather conflicted about this story because I don't condone cheating. But this story wouldn't leave me alone and I'm still not over Sarah's leaving and that mess which is the Ethan/April relationship so I persuaded myself that this may work. You tell me… Anyway, thanks for reading.

Also, I'm working on Piece by Piece. If you're waiting for it, please, be patient with me.