All About Hamilton Pt 1

a Young Americans story

by "phoebenpiper", aka Cordelia Willis

Disclaimer: Characters are property of the WB, etc. I don't own them.

...

Author's Notes: Because the audience knew that Jake was a girl, all the early scenes between her and Hamilton were essentially from Jake's point-of-view. But I thought it would be fun to explore Hamilton's point-of-view, especially since he's obviously so conflicted about his feelings, etc.

I wrote parts 1-4 back in 2000-1, shortly after the show originally aired. Parts 1-3 won 2000 Silver Oar Awards for both funniest story and best portrayal of Hamilton.

In summer of 2019 I became re-obsessed with Young Americans, 19 years after it aired. After going back through my old fanfic, I realized that I had never "finished" my Hamiltonized view of the aired episodes, so I began working on part 5. I will continue to post as I work through the rest of the episodes. I'm enjoying reliving the summer of 2000, and I hope you enjoy reading.

...

"Friends?" Jake asked, extending his hand.

Hamilton took Jake's hand and shook it. "Yeah. Friends. No question." He looked into Jake's eyes, finding them hard to read. It was almost as if they were desperately searching for approval.

Of course! Approval! Jake broke a trust by kissing me, and now he wants forgiveness. Acceptance. Approval.

"No question," Hamilton repeated his statement of approval. He expected Jake's look to change upon hearing it, but it didn't seem to have any effect. Maybe that's not approval in his eyes, Hamilton thought, because now they look almost confused. But confused about what? I'm the one that's confused here.

Maybe he's confused about the fact that I'm still shaking his hand.

Oh my god, what am I doing still shaking his hand?!

Hamilton quickly grabbed his hand away from Jake's and self-consciously wiped it on his jeans, hoping to wipe away this awkward moment.

Quick! Recover! Do something casual so Jake doesn't suspect.

Hamilton took his same hand and playfully punched Jake in the shoulder.

"You're the man," Hamilton said, smiling and pointing at Jake as he backed away.

Just back up casually and leave. Get out of here, quick, before you do something even more stupid.

Jake smiled and said, "Okay. I'm the man."

Hamilton shut the door behind him and sighed with relief.

I made it, Hamilton thought. And hopefully Jake doesn't suspect anything.

Suspect what? There's nothing to suspect. Is there?

Except maybe to suspect that I'd been staring into his deep gray eyes. Suspect how good it felt to have his hand in mind. Suspect that he's all that I've thought about ever since he kissed me on the roof.

"Oh my god, I think I'm gay."

There. I said it. That's supposed to be the hard part, right? Saying it?

So why do I now feel more confused than ever?

Because I like girls, that's why. I've ALWAYS liked girls. Or at least always since third grade, when Cindy Hoffelmeier kissed me and I realized she had more to offer than cooties.

And what about all those hours with my mom's stolen Victoria's Secret catalogs? Or watching the girls in their bikinis down by the lake? Or even the time I climbed the tree to sneak a peak in the girls' dorm and got stuck? Did they all mean nothing now?

No. Of course not. They're important. They're who I am.

"I like girls."

"Don't we all?"

Hamilton jumped, hearing someone else's voice inside his head. It took him a moment to realize the voice had been Eric's, a fellow member of the crew team, who was walking by him in the hall.

Hamilton faked a smile and called after Eric. "You know it. Go girls."

Okay, that sounded lame. You're thinking too hard. You need to get your mind off of all this. Relax. Stop obsessing.

TV. TV will do the trick. I'll go to the Common Room and do some quality channel surfing and totally clear my head of this Jake nonsense.

Hamilton walked into the Common Room and sat down, grateful that no one else was hogging the remote. He flipped on the TV and started flipping channels. He stopped when he saw Jennifer Aniston.

Jennifer Aniston. Look at her. She's hot. See, this is perfect. You can totally get your mind off Jake and...

Wait. This is that movie where she has a gay roommate that helps raise her kid! That's not relaxing! What else is on?

Hamilton flipped channels until he saw Julia Roberts.

Julia's cute. See? I think she's cute. I'm normal. I'm a healthy, American male who...

Ah shit! It's that one where she tries to steal the guy from Cameron Diaz, and her gay best friend helps her.

But what's that Dionne Warwick song they sing at the restaurant? That's a fun song.

Oh my god!

Hamilton quickly switched channels again.

There's that Rupert guy again. Oh yeah, this is that Madonna movie where she gets pregnant by her gay best friend.

That's it! I can't be gay! My best friend isn't a girl.

No, my best friend is a guy. A guy that I'm totally hot for.

Oh my god! What is my problem?

"Stop!"

Hamilton jumped at the sound, dropping the remote. He turned to see Will Krudski sitting down on the couch, his eyes glued to the set.

"This is a great movie," Will said, mesmerized. "Nathan Lane is so funny in it."

"You know," Hamilton said knowingly, "The Birdcage is based on the musical La Cage aux Folles."

Will gave him a funny look and then turned back to the set.

Oh my god. I like musicals! Maybe I AM gay.

But that doesn't mean anything. Liking musicals is just a stereotype. Not all gay men like musicals.

And not all straight men know about Nathan Lane movies and the art of Feng Shui. I'm a kook! It's all my mom's fault for raising me to be all emotional and stuff.

No, actually, it's my dad's fault. He wasn't ever around enough to be a good male role model.

That's it. Blame Dad for you turning into a fruit.

But I'm NOT a fruit. I just like my best friend.

A lot.

I mean, the way his eyes kinda bore into me, like he knows what I'm thinking.

The way they did on the roof. I couldn't look away. He was nodding his head and smiling – smiling that cute little smile that kinda lights up his whole face – and...

Oh my god. I bet THAT'S why he kissed me. Because I was staring at him. Because he KNEW what I was thinking, before I even knew. Because he knew that I saw something in him, something that I wanted...

"No, I don't want that."

Hamilton jumped at the sound of his own voice. He looked around, panicked, wondering who else had heard.

Krudski, who was still sitting nearby on the couch, turned and gave him a weird look. "Don't want what?"

Oh my god. Abort! Abort!

"Uh, nothing. I mean, I gotta go." Hamilton jumped to his feet and headed over to his house. Maybe his mom would be in, and they could have a nice chat, and he could forget about all these strange thoughts that were filling his head.

Like Jake's eyes. And the way his lips felt against mine...

"Mom!" Hamilton practically ran into his parents' house. "Are you here?"

"In here, Munchie," Mrs. Fleming said from the bedroom.

Hamilton followed the sound of her voice and found her sitting on the bed, a book in her hand.

"What're you reading?" he asked.

She held up the book so he could see the title. "Maurice. By E.M. Forster." When Hamilton looked blank, she said, "Passage to India? Howard's End? A Room with a View?"

Hamilton nodded as he leaned back against the window sill. "What's it about?"

She put a bookmark in the book and set it on the nightstand as she said, "It's about a boy named Maurice – obviously - who has an affair with a male friend while away at school."

Oh my god. SHE knows! She knew before I knew. How did she know?

"The book talks all about how repressive Edwardian England was before the first World War, and how prejudiced they were against homosexuality at that time. And it's partly autobiographical, too." Mrs. Fleming smiled warmly at her son. "It's a great book. You should read it."

"Uh...yeah," Hamilton said, trying to act nonchalant as he picked up the book and read the back cover.

Maybe this is what I need. A BOOK that can tell me what's going on in my head.

"So what've you been up to? Were you off somewhere with your new friend – what's his name? Jake?"

Hamilton blushed at the sound of the name and quickly dropped the book, which bounced off the bed and landed on the floor. As he leaned over he picked it up, he said, "Yeah, Jake. He's the coxswain, you know."

"I'm so proud of you, honey, for making the crew team." Mrs. Fleming put her arm around Hamilton's shoulder and gave him a quick squeeze. "My little boy is growing up. Before I know it, you'll be leaving home and getting married and having a family of your own, and I'll be left all alone."

"With an entire school full of boys," Hamilton pointed out.

"But not MY boy," she said, squeezing him again.

"Uh, yeah," Hamilton said, squirming out of her grasp. "So...what's been going on with you?"

"Nothing much," Mrs. Fleming said. "You know, the beginning of school is always hectic. What about you? Anything exciting going on in your life?"

She suspects! Play it cool.

"No! Nothing! Everything's fine. Boring. Normal. I'm normal. Everything's normal."

Okay, if she wasn't suspicious before, she is now.

She gave him a funny look. "Munchie, is there something you wanted to talk about?"

Before he could answer, they heard Dean Fleming's voice in the other room. "Stupid idiots. It's the first week of summer term, and they've already flooded the bathroom. I swear, these kids get worse and worse every—" He stopped as he entered the bedroom and saw Hamilton there. "Hamilton. You didn't have anything to do with this flooding, did you?"

"Uh, no, Dad," Hamilton said.

"Then what are you doing here?"

"Honey, I thought maybe Munchie could join us for dinner tonight; you know, a family dinner together?" Mrs. Fleming said.

"That won't work. I've gotta go deal with these stupid plumbers."

"Yeah, and I got plans," Hamilton said. He frantically tried to think up some plans, in case he was pressed for details, but no one seemed to care.

"What was the name of the plumbers we had out last spring?" the Dean asked as he started rummaging through the Yellow Pages.

"Uh, I gotta go," Hamilton said, heading for the door.

Mrs. Fleming reached for his hand. "Hey, Munchie, why don't you and I go shopping tomorrow? There's a new furniture store in Carson, and I thought maybe we could get something cute for your room."

"Mom!" Hamilton said.

"You're not gonna get any of that fruity Fehng Shooee stuff, I hope," the Dean said as he picked up the phone.

"Dad, it's Feng Shui, and it's all about placement."

The Dean rolled his eyes and then said into the phone, "Uh, yeah, hi. This is Dean Fleming over at Rawley. Can you send someone out?"

Mrs. Fleming smiled at Hamilton, squeezing his hand. "So tomorrow?"

Hamilton shrugged, letting go of her hand. "Okay, Mom." He looked towards his dad, who was in a heated debate with the plumbers, and called, "See ya."

Hamilton left the room and headed into his own. He didn't feel like going back to the dorm. Jake would probably be there, and he wasn't ready to see him yet. Hamilton needed to work out what he was gonna say to Jake, and that was gonna take some time.

...

Hamilton managed to avoid Jake the entire weekend. He and his mom spent Saturday shopping, and she purchased him a small fountain for his room. Then Sunday, Hamilton spent the day in the library, reading all about E.M. Forster and Oscar Wilde. Not being around Jake, he began to almost forget about his feelings toward him. Though not completely. And Sunday night, Hamilton realized that he was gonna have to see Jake tomorrow at crew practice. They needed to talk, but Hamilton didn't want to do it in front of the rest of team. So he decided to stop by Jake's room first thing in the morning and talk to him. They needed to clear the air. Badly.

The next morning, Hamilton got dressed, steeling himself for the mission at hand. He had stayed up half the night, deciding what to say to Jake. He momentarily considered ignoring him, avoiding him forever, but that wasn't a viable option. After all, Jake was the best friend he'd had for a long time. Jake was fun: he had cool computer hacking skills and an awesome bike.

And I'm not gonna let some stupid little kiss get in the way of all that. Jake said to forget about it, and that's what I'm gonna do.

But he couldn't forget. Not completely. He needed to talk to Jake about it, explain to him that he wasn't interested in that kind of thing. That they were friends and that was it.

Right. Now I better go tell him before I start thinking too much again.

Hamilton went upstairs towards Jake's room. The door was open, and Jake was standing inside, looking at himself in the mirror. He'd gotten a haircut, and his hair was sticking up funny in the front.

I like his hair shorter. It's cute.

Oh my god, stop it!

Hamilton cleared his throat, and Jake jumped.

"How long have you been standing there?" Jake asked warily.

"Long enough to know..." Hamilton paused, taking a deep breath.

C'mon. Say it and get it over with.

"...that I need to make something very clear. The other day..."

Oh my god, I can't say this standing in the hallway. Make sure no one is around! And keep your voice down.

"...when you kissed me, I could've decked you but I didn't."

That's it. Keep going. You're doing fine.

"But if you ever try that again, I will. Because that's not who I think I am..."

THINK I am?! Don't let him think you're unsure!

"...I mean I KNOW I am..."

Am what? THAT sounds bad.

"...I mean I know I'm NOT...what you think I am."

That's better. But you better say it again to make it clear.

"I'm NOT! Get it?"

There. I did it. I said it. It's over.

Jake looked at Hamilton, very confused. "Excuse me?"

Oh no, now I have to explain myself? I barely got through it the first time.

"Look..."

Okay, just tell him.

"...If you're..."

Wait. Make sure no one can hear. No one's around. So just say the word. Just say it!

"...gay, that's..."

What I may be, too. No! Don't say that!

"...whatever, that's fine."

That's it. Make him know that you're not judging him. But be firm!

"...But it's, it's not my bag."

Jake looked at him funny. "Well...okay..."

Okay, he's not freaking that I said it. So maybe we can do this friendship thing after all.

"...So..."

He doesn't look upset that I said I'm not. That's a good sign, right? Because I'm not!

His hair really does look cute that way. And look at his big pouty lips.

No! Don't think about his lips! Don't even LOOK at his lips.

"...I'm gonna go..."

I'm standing in the doorway, in his way. He can't leave. Why am I not leaving? He's probably wondering why I'm not leaving! I gotta leave!

"...aaannnnd get my bike."

He's looking at me funny. I'm still not leaving.

Just move. Leave. Get out of his way so he can leave.

"See ya," Hamilton said, backing out of the room and then hurrying down the hall.

Okay, I did it. It's over. He's gonna go get his bike, and I'm gonna...what? What am I gonna do? I think I better go think some more. This DEFINITELY didn't go as planned.

It's all because of him. When I'm not near him, I can totally disregard the whole kiss thing. Well, maybe not COMPLETELY, but at least somewhat. I mean, he's just my friend and that's IT!

But standing next to him...what is it about him? I just can't stop staring. And smelling. He smells so good. Not like other guys, who smell like sweat and urinals. Even his cap smelled good.

Oh my god, you're thinking about how his hat smells?! What is your problem?! Next you'll be smelling shoes, and trying on high heels!

I need fresh air! I gotta get outside and think. Clear my head. That's it. Go sit on the grass and think about things. NO! Thinking is bad. Just...go. Sit. Try to get your mind off of it.

My book. I'll go get that Maurice book I checked out and read it. Outside. In the fresh air. Where I won't have to think about Jake and his pouty lips.

Stop it!

...

"You're beastly hard," blurted Maurice, "you don't know what it is to have a mind in a mess, and it makes you very hard."

Durham shook his head as one who refuses to listen. He looked so ill that Maurice had a wild desire to catch hold of him.

"You might give me a chance instead of avoiding me – I only want to discuss."

"Oh Maurice, we've discussed the whole evening. Don't be so stupid – you ought to know that to be alone with you hurts me. No, please don't reopen. It's over. It's over."

"Hey."

Hamilton jumped at the sound of Jake's voice. He looked around anxiously, hoping no one saw the two of them talking together.

Because then they might suspect.

"My bike is gone."

Hamilton quickly closed the book, hoping that Jake didn't notice what he'd been reading. "What?" he asked, having been too busy looking around to really comprehend. Then realization dawned and he asked, "Where did you leave it?"

"In that perfect hiding spot that you showed me."

He probably thinks I took it. He's probably accusing me because he knows I was upset about the whole kiss thing.

"Well, I didn't take it!"

"Well, then who did?"

Jake seems really pissed at me. Just like in the book. Jake is blaming me because I...wait a second. That IS a perfect hiding spot. No one knows anything about it except...

"Oh, no. The groundskeeper. He probably confiscated it."

"Oh god."

He looks really worried. He loves that bike.

"You know, I'm not even supposed to have that thing here."

Yeah, Dad would probably kill him if he found out about it. No wonder Jake's freaked.

"NOW what do I do?"

What? Me? Why me?

"What are you asking ME for?"

Jake looked taken aback. "God, sorry."

He started to stand to go.

Don't let him go. You owe him. After all, you said his bike would be safe. It's all your fault. Don't be an asshole just because of the whole kiss thing. Stop him before he leaves.

"Wait wait wait wait wait wait." Hamilton grabbed Jake's hand, pulling him back.

God, his hand feels good in mine.

Stop it! This is about the bike and nothing else. Helping a FRIEND get out of a mess that you got him into. Focus!

"We can..."

We can what?

The bike!

"...probably figure this out."

Make a plan. You know how to do this. Don't think of this as being with Jake – HELPING Jake - think of it as stealing.

Yeah, stealing, that's much more healthy!

"Meet me at the main staircase tomorrow after dinner."

Yeah. That's a plan. We can steal it back, and everything will be okay.

Jake smiled.

Look at that smile. It's such a cute smile. Oh my god, I'm smiling back. Look down. Don't let him see you blushing.

"Thanks."

Jake stood up and hurried away.

Look at him go. No! DON'T look at him go. He's your FRIEND. You're gonna just help him out. Don't think about the fact that you'll be alone together, in the dark...

Stop it! Go back to your book.

"Very well, Maurice, I'll discuss if you like. What's the matter? You appear to want to apologize about something. Why? You behave as if I'm annoyed with you. What have you done wrong? You've been thoroughly decent from first to last."

In vain he protested.

"So decent that I mistook your ordinary friendliness. When you were so good to me, above all the afternoon I came up – I thought it was something else. I am more sorry than I can ever say. You won't want my apology any more than anything else I could give, but, Maurice, I do make it most sincerely. It is a lasting grief to have insulted you."

Okay, maybe this isn't helping at all!

...

The next night, Hamilton stood in the dark at the bottom of the stairs waiting for Jake.

Maybe I shouldn't be doing this. Being near him just makes me...confused.

But I HAVE to do this. It's my fault that his bike got taken. And all we're doing is stealing back a bike, not having some sort of illicit meeting.

Right?

Wait. Here he comes.

But what is he wearing? He looks like he's ready for a Harley convention. Or like a jewel thief. And gloves? Who owns black leather gloves?

"We're recovering your motorcycle, not lifting the 'Mona Lisa'."

Jake looked at him blankly in the dim light. "Huh?"

God, what a dork! And I was afraid I LIKED him?

"C'mon."

They started to walk down the hall.

"I know the groundskeeper has it," Hamilton continued. "I used to sneak in here at night and steal lawnmowers. Ride them around the lake."

"High times at Rawley," Jake teased. "Didn't know I was partnering with a Juvenile Delinquent."

He's the one breaking the rules by having a bike. And a hundred years ago, it was against the law for a man to kiss another, like he did to me on the roof.

"You should talk."

But as the adventure with the bike unfolded, Hamilton forgot all about Jake in that way. It was just Hamilton and his new best friend, breaking the rules and trying not to get caught. All his life he'd been an outsider, a perpetual younger brother to all the older Rawley boys who didn't want him tagging along. But now Hamilton was having his OWN adventures, and sharing them with a great new friend. It was what he'd always waited for.

But the spell was broken after they'd rolled the bike up the step to the door. Standing in the moonlight, Jake said, "You know what you said before? About me being, you know, gay?"

Why did he have to bring this up now? We were having so much fun together. Now I'm remembering everything again. No! Don't remember! Just nod and let him go on and get this awkward moment over with.

"I'm not. That I promise you."

You're not?! What are you talking about?! Of course you are. 'Cuz if you're not, then where does that leave me?

Besides alone in the dark. Looking at you. In the moonlight.

"I – I just had a sketchy moment there but it's over."

Sketchy? You call that sketchy? You KISSED me! And changed my entire view on life!

"I'm just saying you don't have to feel weird around me."

Okay, understatement of the MILLENIUM! Feeling weird would be a total RELIEF compared to what I feel right now.

But play it cool. He opened the door for you. Go ahead and say it – say how you feel.

"Well, I do..."

Okay, stop right there.

But you still want to hang out together. Think how much fun this was. Say something so he'll think it's okay.

"...but I'm trying not to."

There. That's the truth. And look – he's smiling. He's glad that you're still willing to hang out. He's so cute when he smiles. And look at his eyes – they look so dark in the moonlight, so hard to read. But that smile tells all. He's happy to be here. And so am I.

Jake looked around at the dark room and the moonlight streaming in from outside. "I can't believe we pulled this off."

All right! Back to the friend thing. This'll be fine.

"Thank god for the freight elevator."

This is just two guy friends having adventures. CLOSE guy friends. Like brothers.

"So Hardy Boys," Hamilton said, realizing that this was the kind of thing he'd grown up reading about. And now he had it. A real friend.

"Yeah, meets Nancy Drew."

Yeah, the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew always...wait. Why Nancy Drew? That doesn't make any sense. Is he hinting at something? No, he looks confused as well. Just forget about it. He didn't mean to say it. Just a slip of the tongue.

Now just get the bike out of here before Dad catches us and the shit hits the fan.

...

They stashed the bike in an even BETTER hiding place, one that Hamilton was certain the groundskeeper didn't know about. Then they sneaked back to the dorm, and Hamilton walked Jake up to his room. When they reached the door, Hamilton started to panic.

Why did I come up here with him? What was I thinking? This looks so queer. Everything was going fine, and now I had to ruin it! He'll know!

Jake turned to Hamilton as he unlocked his door. "Thanks, Hamilton. It means a lot...that you were willing to do this for me."

Do what? Walk him to his door, like we're on some sort of date or something? Oh my god, does he know what I was just thinking?

"You know, risking getting in trouble with your dad just to help me out."

Oh, THAT! He's thanking me for the BIKE thing, not the walking him to his door thing.

"Uh...sure." Act nonchalant. "No problem."

Look at him. He looks so cute in the darkness. And look at his lips.

No, don't!

A sudden noise startled both of them, and Hamilton practically jumped all the way across the hall.

"Hey," Eric whispered, walking up the hallway towards them. "You guys sneaking in, too?"

Hamilton was frozen, not able to say anything.

But Jake nodded. "Yeah. Hot party in town."

Eric looked surprised. "Were you guys there, too? Did you see what went down with Scout?"

Jake shook his head. "Nah, we left before that."

"Man, it was a brawl. And Krudski got involved, too. Hopefully Finn won't find out."

"Or the Dean," Jake added.

Eric nodded and punched Hamilton playfully on the shoulder. "Yeah, YOU'd be in deep then, wouldn'tcha?"

"Uh...yeah." Hamilton was still paralyzed, and he wasn't exactly sure how the words even came out.

Jake looked around the hallway. "We better go. Hate to be caught now."

Eric laughed. "Yeah. See you guys tomorrow at crew."

Eric walked away up the hall, and Jake turned to Hamilton and smiled.

"So, I'll see you tomorrow?"

Hamilton merely nodded, still paralyzed.

"So...goodnight."

Jake disappeared inside his room and shut the door. Almost immediately, a thousand thoughts flooded Hamilton's mind.

But the thoughts were all the same.

We were almost caught. We were almost caught. We were almost caught.

...

Hamilton managed to make it home, despite the cacophony in his head. He didn't even attempt to be quiet as he let himself in – after all, what was being caught sneaking home late compared with being caught alone in the moonlight with Jake?

Hamilton was just letting himself into his room when his mom spoke, causing him to jump.

"Hey, Munchie," she whispered, walking up to him in the darkened hallway. "Getting a little midnight snack?"

Hamilton stepped into his room, hiding his street clothes behind the door. "Uh, yeah, mom," he whispered unconvincingly.

"You want me to make you some hot chocolate," his mom whispered, "and you can tell me all about how school is going so far?"

Hamilton considered this for a moment.

She would understand. Maybe she could help me sort out my feelings for Jake.

But what if she told dad? I don't want him to know. He'd freak!

But what else is there to talk about? All I think about anymore is Jake.

And how he looked tonight standing there in the moonlight.

"No!" Hamilton said suddenly, startling both himself and his mom. He lowered his voice and quickly added, "Uh, no thanks, I'm good."

His mom smiled and ruffled his hair. "All right. Well, goodnight, honey." She gave him a quick peck on the cheek and then continued down the hall, wrapping her robe tighter around her.

Hamilton watched her walk away, torn about whether or not to follow. A sudden stirring from his parents' room settled his question, and he quickly shut his door.

...

"Them Townies sure know how to throw a party."

Hamilton could hear Eric talking as he approached the Common Room.

"Man, how'd you even get an invite?" Matt asked.

"Who needs an invite? I heard some Townies discussing it and tracked it down. It's such a dink town, it was easy to find. Wasn't it, Hamilton?"

Hamilton had reached the Common Room, and he nodded at Eric's question.

"YOU were there, too?" Matt asked.

"Yeah, him and Jake," Eric said. "Though they left before the fireworks. Good thing, too – the Townies weren't looking too kindly on us Rawley boys after the big fight."

"So," Matt asked, "any hot girls?"

Hamilton shrugged warily. "Some."

"There were TONS," Eric corrected. "All in sexy shirts and TIGHT jeans! It was awesome. Though the drinks sucked – way too cheap."

"Yeah," Hamilton said, "Townies really skimp on their punch."

Eric stopped and looked at him funny. "Punch? There wasn't any punch. All I saw was beer."

Hamilton started to panic. I should've kept my mouth shut! "Uh, there was punch...back in the kitchen."

Eric was looking even more suspicious. "I was IN the kitchen, man – there weren't no punch."

"Uh," Hamilton tried to calm himself, "there was punch earlier – maybe it was gone when..."

"Hey guys, wrestling's on!" someone shouted from across the room.

Saved by the bell!

Everyone hurried over to the couch to watch. Hamilton was practically shaking, and Eric kept shooting him weird looks.

He knows. He knows we weren't there. Which means he knows we were TOGETHER. And we LIED about it.

Just watch the wrestling. Be a guy. Then no one will know

Matt, who was sitting next to Hamilton on the couch, started discussing the fight, which was a welcome distraction..

"Hey."

Jake's voice made Hamilton jump, and he nervously looked around before answering, "Hey."

"So who's fighting?"

Oh good, he's just interested in the TV, not in talking.

"The Mangler and Rock Hard Richard Baxter."

"Oh cool."

Man, he's cute. No, don't think that! People will see! They'll know!

"So thanks again for last night."

Oh my god, Eric is giving us a look. He KNOWS! He was suspicious before, and now he knows for sure.

"I...I'm really glad to have my bike back."

Act nonchalant. Maybe he'll go away.

"No problem."

"God, was that hilarious or what, bringing the bike through there?"

Hamilton smiled at the memory. We did have fun. It was that whole Hardy Boys thing. Working together like two friends.

Before I saw him in the moonlight.

"Well, uh..." Jake started again, "I was just gonna go take it out for a ride, and I thought I could see if you want to come."

He's asking me out. In front of all these people. Including Eric, who already suspects.

"Go cruise by the Rawley babes."

Rawley babes? He wants to check out chicks? So he's not asking me out.

"Sound like fun?"

What am I supposed to say? Doing anything with Jake is fun. But I can't just stand up and leave with him with everyone watching. Eric would probably tell everyone that we weren't at the party, and everyone would know. I can't go with Jake. But what can I say to him? Anything I say will just sound stupid and obvious.

Maybe if I just pretend I'm really into the wrestling, Jake will start watching it, too. And then we can watch wrestling together. That'd be safe. Especially with everyone around. We could be together but not really together.

Wait! He's going! Jake's leaving! Damn! I wanted him to stay and hang out. With me.

He's standing in the doorway. Don't look at him. Eric will notice. He's probably upset that I wouldn't go with him.

Hell, I'M upset. Why does everything have to be so complicated?

He's gone now. Man, do I feel like a jerk. I could've at least said SOMETHING instead of completely blowing him off like that. And now he's probably mad at me. And who can blame him? I should go explain myself to him.

But I can't. That'll look too suspicious. I'll just watch the wrestling now and talk to Jake later.

Yeah, that'll work. I can apologize later.

When no one else is around.

...

The guilt was almost overwhelming. Hamilton was obsessing over it. He hadn't had a chance to talk to Jake, to explain to him why he'd acted like such a jerk. After all, Jake had just been being nice, inviting him to go for a ride. It wasn't HIS fault that Hamilton felt all eyes on them, like they knew what was on Hamilton's mind.

And what WAS on his mind? He wasn't even sure himself. He just knew that he was gonna wallow in guilt until he did something to make it up to Jake.

The next morning, at practice, Hamilton went to Jake as soon as he arrived.

"Hey."

Jake didn't even look at him. "Hey."

"So..."

Quick. Say something FRIENDLY! To show him you're sorry for being such a wanker.

"...how was your ride?"

Jake squinted at him from under his baseball cap. "What?"

"Yesterday. Your..."

Don't say it TOO loud – you don't want someone to hear and get Jake in trouble.

"...ride," he whispered.

Jake nodded and looked away. "It was good."

Okay, he's not making this any easier on me! Of course, why should he? I was the one who blew him off in front of everyone.

"So..."

Invite him to do something. THAT'S friendly.

"...you wanna maybe do something after practice?"

Jake pursed his lips and looked at him. "Like what?"

"Uh..."

Great time for your mind to go blank! Think! Think! What could we do?

Besides go someplace quiet where we could be alone.

No! That's not what I want! Think of something friendly! Something FRIENDS would do.

"...we could..."

C'mon.

"...go swimming?"

Jake crinkled his nose in disgust. "I get enough water here at practice."

"Okay, then..."

You can do it.

"...I could show you my photographs."

How lame! What was I thinking?!

"You do photography?"

Wait! He actually sounds interested!

"Uh, yeah. It's just a hobby. But my mom thinks I'm pretty good."

Oh, THAT sounds good. My MOM?! He'll think I'm a total dork!

"That sounds like fun," Jake said as Finn arrived and they started for the boat. "After practice?"

"Yeah."

They faced each other as they prepared to get in the boat.

All right. This will be perfect. We can go to my house after practice, we'll look at my photos – it'll be fun. Just two guy friends hanging out.

And in the meantime, I get to row. And watch him...

Stop that!

...

"These are really good!"

Hamilton smiled as Jake picked up another stack of photos and started going through them.

"And you do the processing, too?"

"Yep, in my mom's dark room."

Jake looked up at Hamilton. "You should do this for real. I mean, professionally. You're really talented. Maybe my mom could..."

Jake trailed off.

"What?" Hamilton asked.

Jake shrugged. "I was gonna say that maybe my mom could pass them along to someone – she knows a lot of agents and stuff – but we're not exactly on speaking terms at the moment."

Hamilton nodded. He remembered Jake mentioning that before.

God, I can't imagine not being on good terms with MY mom.

"What about your dad?"

"Nope," Jake said, starting to flip through the photos again.

Whoa! And no dad either! That must be hard.

"Hey, what's this?" Jake asked.

Hamilton glanced over and instantly panicked. He flew to Jake's side and grabbed the photos away. "It's just...uh...some photos I took the first day of school."

Jake tried to grab the photos back. "But that's ME. On my bike."

"Don't worry – I'm not gonna show my dad or anything."

Hamilton hurried across the room with the photos and stuck them into a drawer.

But Jake was right behind him. "How did you TAKE that photo? I mean, where were you?"

"I have a telephoto – I sit up in the window sometimes and take photos."

Change the subject. Make him forget all about those photos.

"So...uh...you wanna go throw a football around or something?"

Jake shrugged. "Okay."

Hamilton grabbed the football off his dresser and they both headed out the door, with Hamilton sighing with relief.

It's okay - at least he didn't see HOW MANY photos of him I took!

...

Blah blah. Krudski is such a suck-up sometimes.

_Walden_. What a boring book.

I can't believe Finn is making us sit out here in the pouring rain discussing it. Just because Thoreau liked to get in touch with nature doesn't mean WE have to! Jake is right about Finn – total wanker.

Jake...

Stop that!

Wait! Maybe I SHOULDN'T stop that. After all, Thoreau went to the woods to explore his thoughts. Maybe that's what I should be doing. Exploring them, not locking them away in a closet.

Hmmmm, perhaps the closet analogy wasn't the best one I could've made.

Okay, so let me explore my thoughts about Jake. Where should I begin?

The kiss. The kiss was where it all began.

Well, that's not ENTIRELY true, but we'll start there anyway.

Okay. So...the kiss. What do I think about the kiss?

It was...nice. The way his lips felt against mine. I've kissed girls before, but this was... different.

Maybe because I KNEW it was a guy.

But it happened so quick, I didn't even have time to register that. It was over before I even realized that it'd happened.

And I kissed him back. I didn't want to admit this before, but I did. I couldn't help it. It was like the hormones kicked in – after all, that's what hormones DO, right? especially in teenage boys? – and I lost all control.

But it felt so nice...

Oh my god, I'm blushing. What if someone notices? What if JAKE notices? It seems he's always sitting across from me. Or me across from him. Or something. What if he sees?

Sees what? So what if you blush? You could be blushing about _Walden_, for god's sake!

Wait, what are they talking about now? Will this be on the test?

Screw the test! This is more important.

Okay, so now you've admitted you kissed him back. But what does that mean?

You can't help how you feel, right? Mom always said that to me as a kid: "You can't help how you feel, you can only help how you act". That's a good motto to live by.

So how should I act?

Well, we're friends, and both of us want to STAY friends. And Jake even said he wasn't gay...

But how can he NOT be gay? He kissed me! And what's with that whole "sketchy moment" excuse?

Unless it was like Brenda Johnson in the second grade. I still don't know what made me trip her. And I felt really bad afterwards, especially when she was bleeding and she lost her tooth. I remember the principal, and my mom, and especially my dad asking me over and over: "Why did you do it?" And I didn't have an answer. She was walking by, and I just did it. With no thought behind it. I still remember the spanking I got. But thinking back, if I had it to live over again, I really don't know if I could STOP myself from doing it again!

So maybe that's what happened to Jake. Just out of the blue he did it, and HE doesn't even know why!

And I can accept that. I can move beyond his part in all this.

But what about MY part? I'm still feeling something for him. Every time I look at him, I feel...something. Attraction?

It must just be the hormones. And we can't HELP hormones, can we? So perhaps I just need to ride them out.

Wait! Finn's talking about having girls at a cabin? God, I take a moment to THINK and I miss the best part!

Maybe Jake was paying attention. I'll ask him about it later!

When we're alone...

Whoa there, Hormone Boy!

...

END OF PART 1