Save Me From Myself Chapter 2: Sleeping Heartbeat, a supergirl fanfic

Chapter 2

Sleeping Heartbeat

My heartbeat falls asleep today

Eternal hibernation

Winter beckons me again

My heartbeat has been frozen

My heartbeat's counting down the days

Til you return from somewhere

The hidden face you ran away

You took my heartbeat with you

It stopped for you

It's been so long my heart's on hold for you

Kara felt herself waking up slowly, like the most peaceful sleep she had not had since Lena left. Her heartbeat felt strong … well, stronger at least, and she felt something warm in her hand, another person's warmth holding her hand gently. It couldn't be? Not her possibly?

Oh, oh, oh, my heart is done in

Keeps beating faster and faster and faster

Are you here?

Must be you

Her heartbeat picked up, wondering if it was Lena and she got her answer when the person who was holding her hand let go almost immediately. It was a response to Kara's wakening and it caused enough stress on Kara's still healing body for her to feel herself fading into darkness once again and that darkness brought with it relief she did not have in her waking moments. She greeted it like an old friend, a dear friend. Yes, Kara welcomed this numbing darkness with her arms wide open, ready to sink into that pleasant blankness.

You're leaving so soon

My heartbeat's going

My heartbeat's gone

My heartbeat's slowing down again

Sinking as you fade

Slowly I must let you go

Where's my perfect day?

The next time Kara realized she was awake, there was something obstructing her face and she didn't like it one bit and with what little strength she had regained attempted to move her hand. It did nothing more than allow her fingers to twitch and she realized that there was that hand again, enveloping her in warmth that would soon fade, of that she was sure. Surely enough, her prediction came true when feeling her fingers clench slightly that warmth left her. Except this time, it was not a slow crawl, she dropped right back into that state of mind where nothing existed and she was okay with that nothingness. If this was her new happiness, she was more than okay with that she decided as she lost all ability to think.

It stopped for you

It's been so long my heart's on hold for you

Oh, oh, oh my heart is done in

Keeps beating faster and faster and faster

Are you here?

Must be you

You're leaving so soon

My heartbeat's going

My heartbeat's gone

Gone, gone

Kara was barely aware, at the edges of her consciousness, she heard, "damnit Kara, don't you fucking die! Do you hear me Kara Danvers? I swear to Rao! Your fucking God, you better not let yourself go like this, okay? Come back to me!"

It sounded like Alex. Was Alex in her consciousness now? "Alex, we're doing our best okay?"

"Why do you fucking care, Luthor?" A surprised gasp she could barely grasp, the sounds of their voices fading away.

"Because I do love her still. She was my best friend, Alex." It was a faint whisper in her ear. Everything was so far away now.

It stopped for you

It longs for you

It's been so long my heart's on hold for you

Oh, oh, oh, my heart is done in

Keeps beating faster and faster and faster

Are you here?

Must be you

You're leaving so soon

My heartbeat's going

My heartbeat's gone

Kara had no concept of the passage of time as she laid there, dead to the world outside of her head, her mind so blissfully blank. It could have been hours, it might have only been an hour, or it could have been days. She didn't care and she didn't know how long it had been since she last found her consciousness. If only she could slip back into the blankness of feeling nothing at all. That feeling was such relief, a balm to soothe her aching heart, her shattered mind, her broken soul. Everything was wrong now. Nothing was right without Lena in her life. She wished for it all to end, preferably now while she hadn't gone completely insane yet.

As Kara came more into her consciousness, her heartbeat was starting to elevate to dangerous levels and she felt someone touching her, pressing gently against her forehead … was it someone else's forehead pressed against hers? It had to be Lena because no one else's presence would affect her so much to the point of feeling this much. Alex had tried to relieve Kara of her muted emotions to no avail and she had tried to give her the joy in eating that she had possessed prior to this to her own utter frustration. She wasn't mad or frustrated with Kara, just the situation. Anything she had enjoyed before was no longer able to bring her to feel anything passed the pain of losing someone dear to her, the most beautiful friendship she'd ever had gone down the drain, out the window with one stupid lie.

Something bright flashed behind her eyes and she gasped awake, heartbeat going haywire, eyes unseeing as someone took whatever had been covering her face and started breathing into her directly. Was this the famed mouth to mouth resuscitation she'd heard never seen properly outside of a movie or tv show? It must be because she wasn't breathing, she was sure of that. The air was sucked from her lungs and the oxygen mask wasn't working so someone else was going to force her to continue to live in agony when all she wanted was to fade into that everlasting darkness of relief.

Before Kara could try to go back, they were successful because she was breathing in air on her own again. Her eyes were bleary, but she could see again and it was an almost welcome vision. Lena was hovering over her, eyes scanning her diligently for anymore problems. No, it wasn't welcome. The feeling that welled in Kara's chest was so bittersweet. She may have saved her physically, but her mental stated was in complete turmoil. Nothing about this was making her happy and nothing would ever make her happy again without this woman in her life permanently. She'd rather have something rather than nothing at all, which it had become since Lena chose to walk away and give her no chance to even utter the ill-fated words, I'm Supergirl, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, Lena. Kara didn't even know she'd said it out loud until she took in Lena's furrowed brows, an unknown emotion welling within her beautiful eyes.

"Why didn't I just die instead?"

"Kara?" her eyes rolled back in her head, vision fading. She didn't want this anymore, couldn't take this anymore because nothing would ever be right again. Not without her in her life.

Unfortunately, whatever Lena must be doing for her was working because her lungs were actually healing properly and so was her broken ribcage and she couldn't slip into her dark world anymore. Kara didn't even know why Lena bothered to save her. She obviously didn't care like she used to. Maybe she never would care about Kara the same way ever again. It was her own fault that this happened.

"I wish I was dead already." That was supposed to be a thought but it had come out of her mouth, barely more than an exhalation. Kara had no idea how Lena had managed to hear what was barely audible under her barely functioning lung's breath.

"Are you trying to kill yourself?" Kara didn't answer, not out loud. "Why are you doing this, Kara?" Again, not a word passed her lips as she kept her eyes closed, hoping Lena would leave like she had half a year ago. Lena left a hole in Kara's already broken heart so why not continue to pretend Kara didn't exist? "I know I've been giving you the silent treatment, but this is not the same, Kara. Despite everything, I think I deserve an answer to this question at the very least, Kara. Don't you?"

"My life is meaningless." And she could tell without even looking, without even hearing an audible response, that Lena didn't like that answer one bit and for the first time since she woke up, she realized that Lena was holding her hand and hadn't let go even after she woke up from the blankness she craved. It was a drug. Her morphine.

"Well, like it or not, I'm not going to let you die. Not like this, Kara." Whatever Kara wanted to say, she wasn't going to voice her thoughts. Kara tried, she really did, to get Lena to let go of her hand. But her body didn't listen, couldn't move more than the barest hint of twitching. The best she got was slipping down the barest amount, but Lena's grip was firm but gentle somehow.

"You should have let me die." Damn it, why couldn't she control her body?

"Because the world needs Supergirl, Kara." The implication that Lena didn't need her caused a fresh wave of pain she didn't think she was even capable of feeling. Rao, why wouldn't this pain go away? Just leave me already, she wanted to scream and cry until there was nothing left. No more Kara, no more Supergirl, no more anything, just sweet nothingness. Was that too much to ask for, really?

Kara's body healed slowly. Alex had told her that she had been asleep for the better part of a week and that it was a miracle she was still alive from how many times she had coded and nearly stayed that way. Each time it happened, Lena had intervened and brought her back somehow. Dr. Hamilton had done her best but something about Lena's interference did what the machines could not do. Was it Kara's body recognizing that Lena was trying to save her that caused her to subconsciously want to fight for her life instead of giving up perhaps? Neither Alex nor Kara knew for sure, but Lena had been the deciding factor.

None of that mattered to Kara. She left the DEO sunbed not long after. Did it matter to her that she was no where near fully healed though? Of course it didn't. The road before her was blurry as she moved and kept moving. One foot in front of the other until she found herself standing in front of L-Corp for a moment before she fell to her knees, exhaustion and not being properly healed finally catching up to her. The security guards inside of the building must have recognized her because one of them had come out to help her to her feet. What was Kara even doing out here anyways? Lena hadn't allowed her in to see her in six and a half months. Did she expect something different this time around? Of course she didn't but Lena proved her wrong, somehow knowing Kara was there because it only took minutes of her being carried in by two security officers, having looped her arms around their necks to steady her, for Lena to show up unannounced.

"Bring her up to my office with me, please, gentlemen."

"Of course Miss Luthor. Right away," they answered, following the infuriatingly calm woman who acted like there was nothing important going on. However calm she sounded, Kara did notice that her hands were clenched into fists and shaking just slightly. She also looked a bit pale. Not that Lena wasn't naturally pale to begin with, but she was definitely paler than usual.

Kara had no idea what Lena was going to do to her now, but she couldn't do anything about it even if she wanted to now. If Lena could just start being like the rest of her family and just put Kara out of her misery now that'd be great. Fantastic even. Kara might love Lena more if she pulled a Lex and tried to kill her like Lex had her cousin. No, not try, just succeed and Kara would be eternally grateful to her to the point she might even say she could die happy. But Lena was Lena. She would never ever do something like that. And that was why Kara loved her so, so much.

No such luck it seemed because as soon as Kara was gently laid on the couch, feeling her consciousness fading away, a strong beam of sunlight was shot straight at her from some sort of device in Lena's capable hands. "I told you, you're not allowed to die. National City needs Supergirl."

A cold, mirthless laugh left Kara's lips and Lena seemed so shocked by the awful sound. "Nobody needs someone who wants to die, Lena. Why, if I had more strength, I'd go and jump off of your balcony right this moment but you'd probably do something to stop me and you're stronger than me right now." Before Kara could continue her miserable speech, she coughed violently, blood dripping out of the sides of her mouth as her lungs closed in on her painfully, causing an awful wheezing sound.

"Damn it Kara! Pull yourself together!" Lena was rolling her onto her side so she didn't choke on her own blood, gently pressing down against her back to help her breathing smooth out like it was something Kara even wanted. Kara didn't know how long it was, but sooner than she'd like, her breathing did even out and she was no longer dripping blood all over the carpet. It was a little … macabre, the sight of bright red blood all over the dark hardwood flooring. For long moments Lena's hand didn't stop it's soothing trek up and down her back and Kara hated everything about how it made her feel inside. Traitorous hope was a damn liar. It was a trick. Made her think things could be, might be, somehow okay. But she knew to stamp it out and brand it as what it was: a lie. A figment of her imagination, an illusion she crafted for herself to believe in the same way Lena had believed in her. "Are you feeling better now Kara?" Lena asked, voice gentle and soothing.

"Why? Why can't you just leave me to die like I deserve?" The words were hard to hear over the wetness of blood coating her throat, but based on Lena's expression she had no trouble making it out because the once soft look disappeared and a hard look replaced it.

"I've told you many times already why I can't do that, Kara."

"And every single time it makes me want to live even less," Kara replied, voice barely a whisper as she finally gave in to the exhaustion that was bone deep. Her body needed rest more than she needed to die.

It only took her a week to actually fully heal because Alex had strapped Kara into the sunbed against her will and she hadn't been strong enough to escape until it had been a few days. After nearly a week, she had made her escape and felt at full strength only two days later. Even after her strength returned, Kara could only think about how much more disdain she felt about the idea of not dying. Her distaste for life had only increased the longer she continued to breathe on an earth Lena hated her and would never feel anything else for her either. She was sure that Lena could care less about her beyond her physical well-being. After all, National City needed her, not Lena. Never Lena, not ever again anyways.

So, yeah, Kara wanted to die. Alex had finally caved and told Clark about what had happened and he took a weekend off to shower Kara with his presence but it did nothing to soothe her. In fact, it only solidified her belief because he was living proof of her failure as his much older cousin. He was the first person she had failed in life. Instead of helping him grow up to be one of the last Kryptonians, she had been separated from him and he grew up on earth without her and had helped her find a host family instead. To add insult to the injury, he was older than her by the same amount of years she had been alive before he was even born. Kara had nothing, no reason to live now. Everything everyone tried to do just made it all worse.

When would they learn? She just wanted to die in peace if they'd just let her, she could. Her heart, mind, and soul were already dead inside, so why wasn't she allowed to reflect that on the outside? It was a simple thing really. Let her fade away into nothingness. Just let her go. If only it could be so easy and they just allowed her this one freaking thing. Just this one thing and she could be happy again.

Lena hadn't contacted her since she had Alex come pick her up from her office, bleeding again, and forced her into a full recovery. She felt pathetic and dumb for not planning her magic escape better. It had been easy to make her escape when no one had thought that she would leave when they were all getting ready to change shifts and she hadn't been bound by anything to stay and she wasn't under watch. All she had to do was duck behind a place she knew far too well and then she was gone. The only reason she had been caught was because she allowed her mind to wander and body to go wherever her feet directed her. It had led her right to L-Corp and right onto Lena's couch. She had been an utter fool, allowing that slipup had cost her plan to completely fail. Now she had to wait for another chance to die.

And it came so quickly she couldn't believe her good fortune in this opportunity. Eve Teschmacher had set something up to capture her and was now holding her in cell with Kryptonite making her skin glow a sickly green as it ran through her veins, causing her to feel sick. She didn't even care. Her body was bruised, face a bloody mess of bruises and a possibly broken jaw after one of her buffy henchmen had kneed her right in the chin for kicks. Kara let out a manic laugh, sounding crazy, and that, more than anything, had ended their torture for now because Eve was making all of them double check that no one had found their location yet. If they were compromised, they would just find somewhere else to set up shop. The fact that Eve thought that Kara's laughter was from confidence caused more chuckles to leave her lips. It was laughable that they didn't think Supergirl might want to die. That very thought was probably the furthest thing from their minds and it was a sickening twist that brought Kara to cry as she laughed almost hysterically where she lay in a crumpled heap.

Perhaps because she thought her long-awaited death was coming her hopes were dashed by not only the DEO but Lena as well coming to the rescue. She sighed in resignation as they worked to knock out the leftover Leviathan agents and Eve. It was too good to be true after all and death was not claiming her today. It was pathetic that Kara just couldn't manage to die. She was such a failure she couldn't even die properly.

A bitter laugh escaped her lips. Someone opened her cage but she just laid curled up on the floor of the cage where she had been dumped when she first got there. Kara didn't bother to acknowledge whoever was in the cage with her. Belatedly, Kara realized she couldn't tell who it was because she was still in contact with Kryptonite and therefore didn't have any of her abilities at the moment. It would be too easy if she knew where the Kryptonite was. Whoever it was, gently pushed her up into a sitting position, causing a pained whimper to leave her lips unbidden. They must have realized what happened because the softest touch of a hand barely grazed her chin and Kara couldn't even grit her teeth against the pain of that, barely there, pressure.

"What have they done to you?" Kara couldn't answer if she wanted to, but the next thing she knew, arms had wrapped around her, carefully avoiding her broken jaw area. And then she was being laid into a soft lap and Lena was once again looking down at her with an emotion Kara didn't dare try to analyze.

Somehow, Lena's presence made that bittersweet feeling well up within her again. Alex had come over at some point, more than likely trying to figure out the source of the Kryptonite even though she was worried about Kara. Finding that damn source was more important at the moment since Lena was already with Kara.

Kara was so exhausted. It was hard to keep her eyes open. She wasn't fighting it before, so why fight it now? Kara heard someone calling her name. Was it Alex's voice? She could also hear something closer, a voice telling her to hold on, but she just didn't want to do that anymore.

Love had changed her, wrecked her, destroyed her very will to live. No, she didn't want to fight, not ever again for anything in her life. She was okay with things ending this way.

Sweet relief. Blank nothingness, please stay.

Who is on board with this angst train? I certainly am and here is the featured artist for this fic, Thanh Bui with Heartbeat. There's another website I upload stories onto first if you'd like to check it out as well as other works I haven't posted yet! If you want to be able to read the whole fanfic, click on this link here and help support my writing too!

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