Wark Wars: The Further Adventures of PenPen
By ArchangelUK
It's the story of all stories, the tale of tales, the penguin of penguins and I don't own him or any Neon Genesis Evangelion characters.
Ep 3: Heaven Is A Turn-Pike (Version 2.0)
It is night time, a long winding road near the centre of Tokyo-3 - the world's most advanced city, so advanced the cats eyes on the roads could actually communicate with each other in Morse code.
"So, Dave." A second set of cats eyes also called Dave blinked to another, "You asked out Sharon yet?"
Dave didn't answer immediately, for Dave was known to have a rather loose tongue when it came to personal details. Between you me and the gatepost, Dave was a right gossiper and it was Dave who started the untrue rumour about Dave and Dave of all people. Dave blinked a cautious 'no'; "Not just yet."
"Pity."
"Why."
"Dave was thinking of asking her out."
"What? Dave Dave?"
"No.... Dave!"
"Which Dave is that?"
"Y'know.... Dave!"
"Oh... Dave?"
"Yah ha."
"Just why the hell are all the male cats eyes called Dave?"
"Dunno... ask Dave."
The two (dozen) Daves are briefly illuminated in artificial yellow before a flash of blue zipped along past them, followed by an nerve jangling screech from the tyres as such a silly thing as a junction appeared in the road. The smell of annihilated, as opposed to burned, rubber fills the air. Is it illegal street racing? Is it Formula One gone 2015 style, and if not style perhaps it's so cool as to be referred to as stylee? No, it is none of these things.
Misato Katsuragi is off to work.
"Oh when the working day is done, girls just wanna have fu-un. That's all they really waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnt!"
And singing.
Or something equivalent to that.
Meanwhile, as in at that exact moment in time the hero/zero/evil's fear-o off our piece the diabolical but always smartly attired PenPen hides in the back of the car with his crack team. Team in that there's more than one of them and cracked as in they all were for the most part.
"Not, that song... anything but that song." PenPen whimpered, desperately trying to cover his ears with his flippers and then bemoaning his penguin lack of dexterity. Jimmy the spider clicked two of his legs together along to Misato's warbling and nodded knowingly.
"Ack it's not that bad man."
PenPen blinked, "Well, for a start, one: it's out of tune."
Luke who as a fly could hardly be considered the best judge of popular music either buzzed in disagreement, "Well, come on it's not that bad."
PenPen looked at Luke in disbelief, "It sounds like someone's strangling a cat." He said bluntly.
"Or perhaps the final death rattle of a helium filled weather balloon." Leia buzzed in agreement, eliciting a high pitched growl from her 'brother' Luke.
"Number two:" PenPen continued, "It's inaccurate - her day is just beginning."
"Yah bein' a mite pernickety about this aren't ya?" Jimmy grumbled.
"In the world of karaoke there is plenty of reasons to be pernickety." PenPen sneered, "And that's a big word for you, you usually can only manage 'cabbage', 'osprey' and 'Vauxhall conference'."
"It's that language tape the Devil's been playing at night." Luke explained, "Kute Kanji for Beginners."
The bird of destiny raised an eyebrow, but as it was nowhere in sight PenPen didn't react to this. "Three: She's nearly thirty; she can hardly be called a girl."
Leia gave an astonished-cum-insulted gasp, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder you know!"
"Which brings me speedily to point four." Replied PenPen, "When she does those high notes her face looks like a pot bellied pig choking on a pinapple."
Luke rubbed what passes for a flies chin with one of his legs, "Hmm, interesting imagery..."
He was cut off as the car cornered sharply, throwing the occupants of the rear into the left hand side.
"Oooof!"
Before it corners again throwing them back the other way.
"Owwww...."
"She's driving under the influence of alcohol!" Leia shrieked, clinging desperately onto a discarded air freshener that had long since lost its freshness.
Luke nodded, "Yebisu to be precise."
PenPen shrugged, "Your point being?"
Leia looked at PenPen as if he were insane, which lets face it was a distinct possibility. Drawing herself up to her full one centimetre height she looked PenPen straight in the toe and bellowed: "SHE'S DRINK DRIVING!"
PP paled, "Yeah, we should be grateful she's not sober."
"Why's that?" Jimmy asked,
"She's worse and drives even faster."
In a moment of sheer craziness a small super deformed Rei appeared out of the toolbox in the corner of the bootscreen, it winked coquettishly then after a brief dance routine which involved a spanner and some rather... suggestive moves it held up an obligatory sign saying 'Don't Drink And Drive'.
Jimmy blinked and pointed at the Rei, which blew him a kiss. "Wassat?"
The car suddenly braked, the resulting motion throwing the S.D.R through the rear windscreen which only goes to prove that a) you should always wear a seatbelt and b) you can indeed do seventy miles per hour in reverse gear if you so want. After a moments pause, an upside down PenPen was able to detach himself from the toolbox he flew into, now sans-SD.Rei.
"I think I bent my beak."
Jimmy groaned from somewhere to PenPen's left, his distinct Scottish twang emanated from a discarded paper cup. "Am I deed?"
"Deed?"
"He means dead." Lei groaned between buzzes, or should that be buzzed between groans? Whatever.
Jimmy regained (all seven of) his feet, "Ack I eeeem deed! It's da tunnel of leeght!"
"Tunnel of light?"
"Hey weighta minute, if this eh heaven wherah's the wee tarantula girls in the skimpy outfits?" Cue sweat drop central.
Luke spoke first, "Did he say tara-"
" -yes." PenPen interrupted, "Yes he did."
"Where's tha girls then?" Jimmy insisted exiting the 'tunnel of light' back in to regular daylight.
PenPen sighed, "I'm sorry Jimmy the Spider, but this is hell. It must be for me to be landed with your own unique brand of incompetence."
"Jimmy: What!?"
"Yes, I'm afraid you broke the sacred eleventh commandment."
"I didn't know about neh eleventh one! Ah kept the spider web holy, ah didn't covert mah neighbours fly.... what was it?"
"Thou shalt not be a Scottish twonk!" The diabolical penguin backflippered Jimmy away.
"Yah mean, we're alive?" Leia, Luke and PenPen nodded.
"And we're not deed?"
Leia closed her eyes and prayed it'd all just go away, "Alive being the opposite of dead, yes."
Jimmy paused for a few seconds before screaming, "WE'RE ALIVE! Praise be the all seeing spider!"
Leia scoffed, Luke shrugged, "Well it does have a lot of eyes."
"What's wrong with you?" Leia demanded, "We could have died thanks to that irresponsible cow!"
"I should be so lucky, lucky lucky lucky.... I should be so lucky in LURVE!"
"You're forgetting of course that she doesn't know we're in the back here..." PenPen pointed out, but this time Luke was the one that scoffed.
"And of course she'd drive differently if she did right."
"... I hate you sometimes Luke."
Buzz
Misato meanwhile was having a whale of a time, she had already succeeded in splashing 5 pedestrians by driving through puddles and knocking some rickshaw guy into the middle of next week. Pleased with her progress and mentally keeping score she pushed a new tape into player. "Hmm, hmm, hmm..... 70MPH limit? Oh come on!"
PenPen and the others hold on to anything they can as the car accelerates rapidly
Leia screamed and hung onto her brother, "That's it we're finished!"
Luke meanwhile sumed up the situation nicely: Buzz Wail Buzz
"IT's a small world AAAAAAAAAAAAAAfter all.... IT'S a SMALL WORLD AAAAAaaaaAAAAAAAAAAafter all...."
PenPen howled and tried to bung up his ears with bits of the air freshener he was tearing off with rabid intensity. "Nooooooo!!!!!! Good God not like this! If I'm going out I don't want to do it listening to that awful song."
"Ack, I like that song..." Jimmy said, snapping his fingers... er... legs to the beat.
"How far away is NERV?" Yelled Leia above the roar of a riled up Renault engine, PenPen looked at his Mickey Mouse Armani watch.
"About 5 minutes from the apartment. We should be there by now really."
"How do we tell?"
"Well the car will suddenly-"
-there is a screech of brakes, throwing the four stowaways forward once more.
"-brake." PenPen finished rubbing his now very sore beak. "Then will start to descend slowly by the lift."
"Ack!" Jimmy exclaimed, "There's a slight feeling of a discindin'."
PenPen blinked.
"Discindin'! Kanna ya speak N'glish?"
Leia looked over Luke's shoulder. "Actually, we're speaking Japanese - it just so happens to be written as English."
Luke looked puzzled, "Leia, who are you talking to?"
"The fourth wall." She buzzed.
"N'glish! N'GLISH!" Jimmy insisted,
"What exactly did he say just then?"
"I think he meant 'descending'." There was a whirring noise, and an air of floating washed over the group.
Luke smiled in contentment, "I feel as though I'm floating in the air."
"You're a fly." PenPen said flatly, "You fly. You're blooming doing it right now."
"Oh yeah."
"Hey girls... hey boys.... someone's got a DJ.... HERE WE GO!"
"I'm beginning to worry about her taste in music." Admitted PenPen, "Okay people listen up, we're going in to get the parts from storage locker six six seven dash four four one beta. There we will, covertly and not arousing any attention, break in locate the parts assemble the device and then exfiltrate. Okay?"
"Okay boss."
"Roger."
"His name isn't roger."
"It's what you say though."
"Well it isn't accurate."
"It's tradition."
"When referring to someone called Roger maybe."
Leia growled at her brother, "Why are you such a pain in the arse?"
Luke shrugged, "Maybe it's because I-"
"Shut it..."
"But-"
"-Just cram it Luke."
"B-But-"
"-Talk to the wing, the antenna ain't listening."
"Have you two finished?" PenPen said tapping his foot.
"I have more, but if you insist." Luke replied.
PenPen pulled on balaclava (again), "Okay, we wait for five minutes after stopping before we initiate stage 2 infiltration."
"I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it huuuuurts."
"It's gonna be a long five minutes...." PenPen groaned.
TBC
What is in storage locker 667-441B? Will Operation: Crimson Herring succeed or will the motley crew be captured by the all seeing, all knowing, all glaring, all tap dancing Gendo? Will that last part be revealed to be a total fib or is the Commander really the ghost of Michael Flatley? Find out in the ongoing Wark Wars: The Further Adventures of PenPen! Please Review!
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