Date: That's the problem – I can't get one.

Dear, um, feelings book,

I have a crush on the princess of the sea.

And I can't control it.

The first time I met her, I told her she's hot.

The second time I saw her, I asked her if she'd like to see my underwear.

My goofy goober underwear.

I'm a mess.

There are so many problems, but the worst thing is that I can't even sweep her off her feet because she's a mermaid.

Mermaids don't have feet!

Barnacles, I don't even have feet!

I have to go, SpongeBob's at the door, and I don't want him to see me crying.

-Luv Pat