A/N: WARNING!

This chapter has...themes.

There. You've been warned ahead of time.

On another note...I somehow rolled Enkidu on the Cleopatra banner this morning. I wasn't even looking for him! Saw the gold card and thought he was Vlad at first, but nope! Wasn't expecting that! At all! That's the last time I roll at work, I nearly gave some of my coworkers a heart attack with that yelp today.

I wanted Nitocris though...

Now, then.

Hold onto your hats!

Because we meet Jester!Naruto's master in this chapter. Be sure and read it ALL THE WAY THROUGH before you make your judgement.

Bah, trolls can begone.

Now lets keep going, shall weeeeee?

Now, I'm not begging for reviews here. I'm grateful for every kind word and criticism I get. But its when folks curse and threaten me that I begin to lose my temper. Anyway, I'm off to work another double. Looking forward to your reviews when I get back. So here. Have a parody. Enjoy. Out of spite for the trolls. Enjoy it. Have at ye.

Reviews are love. Reviews are life. Reviews make me strive. And alive.

As ever, this will be gone in two days if folks don't like it.

References are glorious and I own nothing~!

And yes, this is actually a class~!

Rhymes are meant to be silly~!

"See. That's the funny thing about humans. You're predictable. Its like a bad pun, when you think about it.

Servants, on the other hand...well! You never know what a stray Servant might do these days.

One well-meaning rogue Jester-Caster!-wandering around, causing havoc...

...sticking his nose where he shouldn't, killing people...well...

...that could change the world. Dont'cha think?"

~J.

A Most Unlikely Pun

Where to start?

For the first time in his UN-life, Naruto found himself at something at a loss. Getting a bite to eat had only seemed natural at first; though Servants didn't strictly need to eat to sustain themselves in this world, he'd found himself feeling peckish regardless. Now that he'd procured a meal for himself he found that the night was still far too young; indeed, the distant glimmer of stars overhead was his sole companion as he allowed his legs to carry him where they willed. He could feel Servants fighting in the distance, but he had no real desire to show himself. Not here. Not yet. Not without a Master to sustain him.

With Independent Action-thank god for EX rank-he'd at least bought himself some semblance of time so long as he didn't fight, but beyond that, he didn't know what to do.

Guess you could say he had a bone to pick with someone.

Ha! Sans would've liked that one, he thought.

All joking aside, it still left the matter of potential targets. Even as a Servant, this body was...brittle.

One good solid hit and his head was bound to pop right off, with the rest of him in short order.

Honestly, if it weren't for his evasive skills, he might actually be worried.

Nothing short of an overwhelming assault was going to do him in, and he was Determined to avoid anyone capable of such an assault. Now that he dwelt on it, probably best to just outright avoid most of the heavy hitter classes altogether. Saber or Berserker would likely bat him around, given the former's resistance to all things magical. He only had so many healing items after all, and once those were gone, he'd be up a creek without a paddle. After all, you couldn't recover HP if you were dead now, could you?

Try as he might, Naruto couldn't help but think of this as a game.

It was the only way to stay sane.

Everything was so...fresh for him, now that he was experiencing it for himself. So new. The Holy Grail had only provided the most basic information pertaining to Fuyuki; even then that paled in comparison to its towering skyscrapers, and the simple rustic beauty that was its countryside. And the Servants. Couldn't forget them. He could muck about all he wanted, and the timeline would either reset, or be so horribly altered as to become something new. The notion of the latter was horribly appealing in its own way. So, yes. A contract. If he wanted to keep playing, he needed to restore his mana.

But with whom?

Rounding a corner, the bemused blond paused at an intersection and made snap decision.

He'd go right.

There was no rhyme or reason to where he went; the whiskered warrior simply chose his directions and random, uncaring of where he went, so long a she went somewhere.

In any case, he doubted there were any unclaimed magi of import wandering about; nor did he think any of their Servants would take kindly to him swooping in and stealing their glorified mana battery, either. Swooping was bad. If he could avoid that, he would. But in the same vein, Naruto didn't want to ally himself with anyone if he could help it. Which was a problem, you see! He understood the benefits of an alliance, even wanted to ally with one of the tankier Servants, but he simply couldn't bring himself to agree to the concept of it. His soul rejected the notion wholeheartedly. Perhaps that was his Mental Pollution talking. But broken psyche or not, he was running out of time.

So in his wanderings, did Naruto come to the Matou household.

Literally.

He smashed right through the first bounded field without noticing; the second he experienced as a slight tingling against his skin. The third actually caused him to jolt a bit as some-or was it something?-unseen force tried to siphon off all his remaining mana at once when he crashed into a wall. Shaking off a fleeting sense of nausea, the hybrid craned his neck, shook himself free from the ghastly tether, and finally noticed his surroundings had changed; when he wasn't looking, at that.

The house itself was rather rustic, set in typical feudal Japan style. A touch odd for the times perhaps, but who was he to complain?

Because there was something...here.

A faint presence, not quite visible, but distinct all the same.

Consumed in his thoughts though he'd been, his body must've sensed it amidst his musings. As such, it was subconsciously drawn to it without realizing the cause. Well! Whatever it was, it would have to do. Independent Action was beginning to drain him after that encounter with the field and he had no desire to fade back into oblivion. Yet something held him back. He could still sense that tiny beacon of light somewhere in the house, but now he gradually became aware of something else; a foul, tainted presence that made him want to retch.

"Well." he set his jaw and started forward, "Here goes nothing."

His mind made up and his heart set, Jester waltzed up to the door and wrenched it open.

No sooner had he done so than he found himself greeted by a cloud of winged insects. He swatted them like the gnats that they were and nothing else emerged to challenge him when he slipped inside. Nor did he seek out a fight. Yes, there was definitely something here, but he knew not what. Everything was muted now, his senses fuzzed out as though someone had thrown a heavy wet blanket over him. No, more than that.

This place felt...empty.

Cold. Utterly devoid of life or warmth.

"Huh." he mused aloud, voice echoing down the damp, empty halls. "Nice place ya got here. Downright...gloomy."

He took a moment to laugh at his own joke before continuing on. "Alright, that was a horrible pun, I admit. No need to ghost me. Anyone home?"

Only dust and cobwebs answered him.

"Yeesh. Tough crowd."

It was all smiles and snickers until he found the basement.

No, deeper than the basement, beyond it, and the catacombs within.

What he saw there stripped the smile from his face and flayed his humor down to the bone.

Rather than some musty wine cellar, or a collection of old books, a giant antechamber awaited the whiskered warrior as he finished his descent upon the stone staircase. Indeed, his journey reached its ultimate end as he arrived at this, his final destination. His stomach heaved traitorously. In short order he found himself overlooking a great pit; while within said pit, thousands of writhing worms and other ghastly insects thrived. Had that been the end of the chittering mass, he could've left with a clean conscience, if a tad disgusted.

It was not.

There was someone down there.

A tiny body amongst the writhing masses.

No, he realized. Not just a body. An actual living person.

An inhumane snarl built at the back of his throat, shattering all thought.

Even from her he could see her glassy eyes; the broken gaze of someone who'd long since lost her will to live. Thrown in the center of the pit for gods knew what reasons, he could only guess at why she was there. First two didn't count. How could any one human do this to another? It took his already precarious faith in humanity and threatened to dash it against the the ground like a brittle skeleton. The longer he stared at this hideous worm pit, the more disgusted he became, until finally

"Nope." the word emerged a growl, warped and furious. "Kill it with fire."

Something in Naruto's soul turned to ice, and his burning blue eyes began to ache. His hands snapped up and a pair of giant, ghastly skulls answered his call to arms at once, looming large over his shoulders. With nary a snap of his fingers, light swelled within their fanged skeletal jaws. Screw this. He'd raze this place to the ground and all the memories of it; he would make sure no one remember any of this. The first blast burst from the rightmost skull and sent the insects shrieking away from the light. The second incinerated Away from the girl. Creating an opening.

He dove into the gap and grabbed the girl, leaping blasting his way free when the teeming horde of insects tried to devour them both.

Alighting upon the stone steps, he hastily removed his blue hoodie and wrapped the girl in it as best he could.

"Hey, kid."

No response.

"Oi! Kid! Answer me!" He shook her. "What's wrong with you?!"

"Violated over and over, like a broken little doll, and all for naught." a rough, hoarse voice intoned somewhere above him. "Such a shame. I had...such high hopes for her."

When the mastermind made his grand appearance, he couldn't help himself.

He turned to face the one who had spoken, eyes blazing like twin falling stars in his skull.

"Hey." the words just came to him, and he was wholly unable to hold them back. "You've been busy, huh?"

He could see him now, shuffling down the steps, leaning heavily on a weather-worn cane. His putrid body. The rotten Soul lurking within. It would be so easy to reach out with his ability and yank it, smash him into a wall with his will alone. Perhaps he should. This...creature was clearly somewhat responsible for the girl's suffering, he just didn't know the depth of it. Yes, how very little he knew indeed. Yet for some reason, he felt as if he knew this man, his name at least; it was there, lurking on the tip of his tongue...

"Who are you?"

"My, my." the old man-Zouken!-rattled a rusty chuckle in response to his inquiry. "I was wondering who had the gall to break into my home in the middle of the night. How very fascinating." then those beady eyes shifted, gazing over the blond from his vantage point as one might an interesting ant. "I'll thank you to release my beloved granddaughter. Her training is still far from complete, you see. In the name of Matou Zouken, founder of this most holy ritual, I command you."

Said command elicited only the slightest twinge.

Well.

That settled things.

Naruto stood slowly, and the skulls responded to his stress, building another blast.

"Well, now." Zouken followed him with a keen gaze that bellied his decrepit body. "I see. You're a Servant with Independent Action. And a Caster at that. No wonder you made it past my defenses; no wonder you can fight through my commands." slowly, inexorably, he shuffled forward. "I had thought to summon that class, you know. It didn't work at the time. Now I see why."

Naruto didn't reply; he simply stared.

"Tch." Zouken scoffed softly. "One failure after the other. First that foolish girl Sakura, then Kariya, now this rotten husk of a Servant." He shook his head in mild dismay. "I suppose that man was right. I truly am cursed in this timeline. Seems nothing I do goes my way. And now you've come to muddle everything up again. Wearing his face, no less.

A seed of confusion bloomed in the blond's heart. Wearing whose face? Who the devil was he talking about? "Wait...what man?"

"Its none of your concern." came the verbal riposte. "You'll meet him soon enough...no, wait. I tell a lie. You won't."

As he looked on, the old man turned to shuffle back up the steps.

A distant rumble shook the world overhead.

"Berserker. Dispose of this pest."

The ceiling didn't so much implode as it did rupture; shattering against a mighty blow from above. Someone-something!-came crashing through the debris with a bestial roar, axes swinging madly. Naruto didn't even deign to face the assault head on; even as the creature tumbled down onto his head he snatched up Sakura and leaped away into an open alcove. It saved both their lives. Towering axes smashed down against the staircase and smashed it into fine powder. By the time the enemy Servant extricated his weapons, his prey had already escaped.

Tucking Sakura way into a place where he was certain the worms couldn't reach her, Naruto turned to face this new enemy.

It flew at him with a guttural roar and he bounded off a wall to meet it head on.

He couldn't afford to get hit.

Had to dodge.

One fatal blow with killing intent-and this brute had it in spades!-would smash him into bloody paste; render him a red smear on the wall. And those weapons were another matter entirely. He wanted absolutely no part of them. This mad dog would happily tear him apart if it got its hands on him and-YIKE!

All the world became a blur as he ducked under the creature's sweeping axes; dodging, weaving, tucking and turning as he fought with all his might to evade. Then he struck back, ramming a jagged shard of bone into his foe's chest. Berserker merely grunted and kept coming, only to be met by a hot wall of light from the still-hovering skulls above. One such blast struck him headlong in the mask, eliciting a harsh flinch. It cringed back and that ghastly thing concealing its face tumbled away, striking the floor with a sonorous clang. And it hesitated.

It truly was a miserable creature.

Crimson horns jutted from a tangled white mane as it turned to face him, its ghastly visage no longer hidden behind that hideous iron mask. It might have been human once upon a time, but no longer; its scarred flesh clung to a taut body horribly corroded and corrupted by outside forces alongside tainted iron, even the tattered red cloth and armor it wore had seen better days. Red eyes blazed out at him, wild and fierce and so very feral. This was a mighty beast, once upon a time. Now?

Now it just looked dead inside, a creature longing for death.

Well. His appearance certainly settled things. This could only be the Minotaur.

"Do you wanna have a bad time?" Against all odds, the sight made stilled something in Naruto. Despite his best efforts, he found himself planting his feet, straightening his spine, and pointing at a cold patch of shattered stone between the two of them. "Because if you take another step forward, well." a small smile bloomed on his gaunt cheeks. "You are REALLY not gonna like what happens next."

And then, incredibly, it spoke to him.

"Kill...me...

Bugger.

"Whyever are you hesitating, Asterios?" Zouken's mocking laugh rang out above the stairs. "Must I use another Command Spell?"

Whatever mounting anger Naruto might have felt for this creature withered and died in that moment; he saw it for the pawn it was. Just another piece used by the depraved demon known as Matou Zouken. This thing might've been a good Servant once, before the old tyrant warped and twisted its body, corrupting its very existence, turning an already dangerous creature into something ghastly. Perhaps the horror of that realization slowed him just a touch; because when the abomination pounced again, he lost more than a few strands of hair this time.

Someone was screaming.

It took Naruto a moment to realize it was him.

Instinct threw him backwards as those annihilating axes crashed into the space he'd vacated just a moment before. Even then pain snarled across his right eye as one of the blades slashed across his face and cut through it, darkening half the world for him forevermore. Not a fatal wound, but a painful one all the same He blurred away and reappeared behind the Berserker, spitting blood. Another strike to the chest followed, another blow shrugged off as it closed the distance.

Not fast enough. He actually had to block this time.

"Killed...so many children...couldn't help anyone! Couldn't...help her!" it snarled at him, foam frothing over a skull and crossbones as they crossed weapons. "KILL ME!"

...alright, bub."

The skulls opened their jaws and for the first time since they'd met, Asterios howled in pain. At point blank range the light seared into his chest and hurled him back, blasting strips of flesh and bone from his hide as he fell into the pit. Even in their frenzied state the worms weren't foolish enough to try and feast on a Servant. Just as well, because another beam of light crashed down and blew a hole in the poor creature's torso. Even then he did not die, rather, the Command Spells binding him refused to allow him do pass on. They dragged him upright, his body spasming and twitching like a broken puppet severed from its strings.

Asterios charged and Jester stopped smiling.

"Just stay down, will ya? This hurts me more than it hurts you."

In that moment he reached out, tore through the Servant's rotten defenses, and found his core. It was so easy to take hold of it and turn it blue in his mental grasp; it should have been impossible where a Servant was concerned, their core was usually protected. But here? There was hardly an resistance to be spoken of at all. A mere flick of his wrist sent the Berserker lurching upright, another slammed him into the wall. Ceiling. Floor, any solid surface he could find until the giant finally stopped moving. Then he held him there with his mind, pinned his very existence, and sent the blaster-skulls swarming up to greet him one last time.

Fire rained down on the maddened Berserker, roaring pillars of light that burned stone and Servant and worm alike.

Asterios felt no regrets.

Yes. This was fine. He wanted to die like this. To be set free from his loathsome master; the fool who shackled him against his will. He knew the young man before him would protect that girl with his life. He might be a bit messed up in the head, but at his core, he knew his killer was a good person. He would defend the girl from the Old One and take her back to her family. He would do what he could not. He could die knowing that at least, she would be safe.

In his final moments as he dissolved, Asterios smiled.

"What have you done?!"

Zouken...did not.

As the charred ashes of his Servant fluttered to the ground, the worm contemplated fleeing. Caster-Jester?-had clearly demonstrated that he was a cut above the average Servant. And for all his immortality, Zouken knew he was no match for any such being. Unfortunately, a rare burst of impotent rage seized the old worm and muddled his thoughts. Again. Another failure. That was all he'd done. Fail. Time and time again. The Holy Grail was so close, so very much meant to be his yet always it eluded his grasp.

A lone blazing blue eye snapped up to glare at him.

...the same thing I'm about to do to you."

Bony fingers clenched white-knuckled against his cane as Caster retrieved Sakura and laid her on what remained of the steps. They clenched tighter still as the Servant started up those steps after him. There was no rush, no hurry, no frantic haste in his stride. Despite his ruined eye he still came on after him, lurching up the steps in stoic silence. All the while, that glowing azure orb blazed into him.

Damn him.

HOW DARE HE! All his preparations, all his planning, ruined! This wretched little Servant had the gall to stand up to him, to mock him.

"How?!" Zouken raged!

"My attacks don't hurt the body. They target your Soul, ya mook." His opponent growled. "And I can see yours clear as day."

"You can't kill me. You wouldn't dare!"

An open backhand cracked across his face, sending the old worm sprawling.

"See. That's the funny thing about humans." Caster's voice rose overhead as the contemptible creature scuttled back down the steps, their positions now reversed from earlier. "You're predictable. Its like a bad pun, when you think about it. Servants, on the other hand...well! You never know what a stray Servant might do these days. Why," A booted foot planted itself on his chest, pinning him against the crumbling stone. "One well-meaning rogue Jester-Caster!-wandering around, causing havoc, sticking his nose where he shouldn't, killing people like you, well...that could change the world. Dont'cha think?"

To his credit, Zouken tried to run.

Here at the end, self-preservation prevailed over frothing rage and he realized just how close Caster had gotten. Far too close. So, yes. Zouken attempted to escape like the coward he was. Let it never be said that he did not know when he was outmatched. He just wasn't fast enough. Even as he realized his peril, his vulnerability, it was too late to do anything. This boy couldn't just hurt him; he was clearly more than capable of killing him and worse, he would. He had to escape. To flee. Run away and live to fight another day.

Even as he began to dissolve into a writhing pile of crest worms, so too did he feel something tug at his chest.

What remained of his body lurched forward toward a taut claw of a hand.

And the blasters howled.

As one the ghastly duo of fanged skulls hovering over the blond's shoulders unleashed their fury upon Matou Zouken. Once. Twice. Thrice. Their was no hesitation here. No Mercy. None whatsoever. The hideous monsters masquerading as a man barely had time to scream before his world dissolved into a burning tower of searing light. But it didn't end there.

His suffering had only begun.

You see, while the worm containing the shattered fragments of Zouken's soul hadn't had a chance to bond over Sakura's heart as of yet, said soul was still quite capable of jumping from one familiar-worm to the next. For perhaps the first time in his life, he'd miscalculated. There had been no need to do so, no rush. Now he sorely wished he had. At least then he would've had a place to hide. Now? There was no escape. Even as the shard of his soul jumped from one familiar to the next, so too did Naruto seek them out and destroy them. One by one, he hunted each of them down, through nooks and crannies, burning them wherever he found them. None were spared.

He found them all.

Zouken died a dozen, then a hundred, then a thousand times in the span of then minutes.

He begged. He pleaded. He tried to bargain, all to no avail.

Each time, the worm experienced the bowel-voiding terror of being hunted down and blasted apart. Each time, he fled, hoping-praying!-that this time would be different, that he'd be able to escape. Each time his mind fell further and further into madness with each subsequent "death". By the end, as Naruto crushed that final crest worm underfoot, Zouken couldn't even be called sane. Everything was burned away, scoured with fire and fury until nothing remained of the Matou's insects or their rotten legacy, not even ashes.

Jester never spoke. He simply went about his work with ruthless dispatch.

Until, finally, he couldn't ignore the elephant in the room.

"Guess that leaves you."

Tenderly, Naruto reached down and plucked his charge from the shattered steps. She didn't move in his arms; he feared the worst as he climbed out of the crypt and back to civilization. Another blast caused it to collapse behind him. All the while blank eyes gazed up at him for what felt like an eternity. She didn't respond. Didn't move. Were it not for the faint rise and fall of her chest, he would've thought her altogether dead. As things stood, she might be worse off than that; her mind could be broken, her psyche shattered by the trauma she'd endured.

"C'mon, kiddo." he grumbled. "Don't quit on me now...

She hadn't moved at all during the entire ordeal, and she didn't move when he finally climbed back into the home's parlor. She simply...laid there in his arms, still swaddled in his battered blue hoodie. Like a broken little doll. What had Zouken called her? He struggled to think around the pain of his ruined eye; clawing for a name. That ghastly vampire-creature had clearly called her...

"Sakura, right?"

At first, nothing happened.

Naruto forced himself to keep talking as he sank into a sofa. "Look, I know you're in there somewhere. Give me a sign, kid. I'm trying to help you here."

Then she stirred, nestled tightly into his thin arms. A small, silent tremor passed through her frail form.

And then came the word that would change his life forever. Just a pair of syllables.

Still, her response would irrevocably alter his very world.

"Papa."

Naruto nearly broke his neck with that subsequent double take.

In the end, only one word came to him.

"EH?!"

A/N: And there we have it.

NOW BE SURE AND READ THIS! 'TIS IMPORTANT!

It was HEAVILY implied that the True Threat-aka the Real Villain-was here in this timeline only a few moments ago. He even stopped by to mock/warn 'ol Zouken beforehand, who, in this timeline, failed horribly in everything. Not only did Sakura fail to live up to his ghastly expectations, but Kariya died before he could become a Master. To that effect, the old worm tried to summon a Servant himself as a last ditch effort, only to end up with Asterios rather than Lancelot as a Berserker Servant.

Then Jester!Naruto came in and wrecked his shit.

Yes, that was a "corrupted" Asterios as Berserker. Poor fluffy boy is in a better place now.

As such, Naruto's found himself with Little!Sakura as his Master and not sure what to do with her. He knows jack all about Tokiomi and the mage families. If you're wondering why Sakura called him "Papa" well, she was clearly delusional...wasn't she?

*grins*

On another note Zouken is very much dead and dust. Ain't no mucking about for him. Our boy may be a prankster and punster, even a tad lazy at times, but this iteration is fully willing to throw down when it comes to a fight.

A Naruto wielding the power of Sans from Undertale. Fused with the bugger, even.

He's all the definition of a glass cannon. Hit him a couple times and he's dead. To clarify, he won't die in a "single" hit like the original, but the concept of dodging has been so engraved into his very SOUL that he doesn't want to get hit at all. Ever. Which means no suicidal rushes, no blitzes, just a cold, calculated assaulted designed to wear you ou

Reviews are love, Reviews are life, Reviews keep me alive.

Despite the trolls and flamers howling for my death.

So, in the Eternal and Immortal Words of Atlas...

...Review, Would You Kindly? Please?

No previews. Sorry, everyone.

I'm not in a good mood.

...fine. But only a few.

(Preview)

Brynhild tilted her head.

"You seem...familiar...like that man...

"Nope, nope, nope! I'm not sticking a bone in crazy!"

"Saber is MINE. You hear me?"

...I get the feeling you shouldn't be a Rider."

Mordred puffed out her cheeks. "Hey! Is that an insult?!"

"Hey now, you're the one riding a giant DRAGON. Why the long face?"

Her right eye twitched. "Just for that pun, I'm going to give you a ten second head start."

"Well, that's mighty kind of you-

"TEN!"

"Why should I return her to you?"

Tokiomi blinked. "I...beg your pardon?"

"Answer my first question. Did you know about the worms?"

The Tohsaka heir lost all color in his face. "Worms? Whatever do you mean?"

...you didn't know, did you?" a rusty chuckle answered. "I...that's not even funny. At all."

...well, well, well. That decides it, then. Time to die, you dirty Master killer."

Assassin stood slowly, offering him her own a ghastly glower.

"Says the hypocrite." she said. "You killed yours."

"My first was a serial murderer." Naruto clicked his tongue in mild admonishment. "You killed that Master just now not on Kotomine's order, but because you saw an opportunity. Because you could. So, yeah. Guess you could say I've gone a bone to pick with you."

"And what of your second, then?" came the challenge. "Will you not kill her, as well?"

"Nope. Adorable foster daughter." his faux smile didn't falter. "Adopting her."

"Fool." she scoffed. "We are Hassan. We are legion."

His grin only grew. "Bitch, so am I~!"

R&R~! =D