A/N: *EDIT*

BEHOLD THE TROLLS!

Look at the reviews page if you don't believe me. I've left them up so people can SEE what I'm dealing with here. Pages upon pages of them. They're drowning out all the reviews and...I just...ugh. Why am I still dealing with this shite?!

Just suspend your disbelief for this story. You'll have a better time that way~!

*EDIT*EDIT*

More flames, eh?

Well. That tears it, then.

If people keep saying I write parodies?

Guess what?! You're going to get a bloody parody!

Really, the tag should've given that away awhiiiiiiiiiiiiile ago.

Consider this a triple crossover of sorts, or what-have-you. Worked really hard on it.

I HAVE A COMPUTER AGAIN! HUZZAH! Some of the font is deliberately messed up to reflect Naruto's mental state. Don't take this story too seriously. Or do. That's your choice. You have yours, and I have mine. I suppose that's some form of Determination, eh?

Hmm...if I had to put this Naruto's personality into words, if I had to describe him with a single sentence...

Sans.

From Undertale.

ON. ABSOLUTE. STEROIDS.

Aaaaaaaaaaand A Most Unlikely Caster got shredded. On the plus side, recent updates have flushed out some of the actual trolls with an account, one of whom not only hit me with some nasty words, but blocked me and prevented me from replying to them. Then they turned right around and did it again with another account. Rude, much? Then it turns out that one was a prank.

Eh, I'm a forgiving guy, so I let it slide.

For the sake of decency-because I actually have some unlike these trolls-I won't give out their account names. I do not endorse or enclose harassment of any kind. I repeat! Do NOT harass them. None of that! Don't perpetuate the cycle of violence.

Let's all be kind to one another, eh?

On the other hand, I've also made peace with a few of my detractors. That's good.

To Someone*that's their actual tag*all is forgiven.

Now, I'm not begging for reviews here. I'm grateful for every kind word and criticism I get. But its when folks curse and threaten me that I begin to lose my temper. Anyway, I'm off to work another double. Looking forward to your reviews when I get back. So here. Have a parody. Enjoy. Out of spite for the trolls. Enjoy it. Have at ye.

Reviews are love. Reviews are life. Reviews make me strive. And alive.

As ever, this will be gone in two days if folks don't like it.

References are glorious and I own nothing~!

And yes, this is actually a class~!

Rhymes are meant to be silly~!

"Do you wanna have a bad time?

Because if you take another step forward, well.

...you are REALLY not gonna like what happens next."

~Sans.

A Most Unlikely Jester

They said I couldn't mold energy properly. That it wasn't my fault. That I had to accept it.

Something about hypersensitivity and being born with malformed chakra coils.

I tried not to listen to them, tried to ignore them entirely.

A failure, they called me. The Last Dropout.

I refused to accept it.

Look at all the good that did me; all I had was taijutsu, that is to say, physical combat, and I was lousy. I couldn't use Ninjutsu or Genjutsu. They were all but barred to me. Attempting to use any true jutsu caused such terrible pain that I could barely breathe. I taught myself walk up trees and walls, run across water, but that wasn't enough. They refused to look at me, or even try to find a way to help me. So I pranked them. Really. It was the only sensible thing to do. No one gave me the time of the day unless I made them. So I did. And it was glorious.

I glued teachers to their seats.

I painted the Four Stone Faces orange.

I had half the village glaring at me, but it was worth it.

They flunked me out of the Academy again and again, but my pranks only became more elaborate.

After my fourth failure they wouldn't let me so much as try to enter for fear of what I might do. My tricks were nothing short of Legendary by then. Still the rest of the village mocked me. Insults hounded my every step like starving dogs baying for a meal. Pitiful. Pathetic. Failure. Failure! FAILURE! And finally my dream, that one shining beacon of hope that I'd held onto for so very long...fell apart like a house of cards. So too did any hope of becoming a true shinobi.

I trained myself into the ground, and they still...still...StIlL rEjEcTeD mE?!

Whoops! Sorry about that. Madness Enhancement's a right bitch to deal with sometimes.

But rather than go completely mad, I was given a way out; my mind went...in a different direction.

When I tried to leave the village, it didn't exactly work out the way I planned. Surprisingly, I actually managed to leave. I slipped out in the dead of night. No one came after me. No one tried to stop me. No one bothered to even look for me. I wasn't a shinobi after all, wasn't anyone special; just a container for the Kyuubi. I couldn't even use its power. Not really. I thought I was home free. I didn't know where I wanted to go, I just knew that it wasn't here. Y'see, the escaping part was easy. THAT went off without a hitch. It was what came after that...complicated things.

I tripped.

Fell down a hole.

A rather ignoble end, don't you think?

I should've died immediately. That fall broke every bone in my body. Yet, somehow, I didn't die. Ain't that a laugh? I survived. For all the good it did me. My body was so utterly shattered beyond repair that I had no hope of escaping that hole; not before I starved to death. There was no food down there. Only dark, cold stone. I was alone. No one knew I was missing. No one would come looking for me. I would die as I'd lived, a prankster without a purpose.

Life's a bad joke, wouldn't you say?

But in that darkness, someone found me. Or perhaps I found them? Mind's still fuzzy on the details. Regardless, that event that would change my life forever. I remember a lone blue blazing in the dark. A hand like ice on my head. They asked me questions, lots of them; who I was. Why I was here? How I had fallen down. What I wanted to do with my life. You see, in the end, it wasn't anyone I knew that saved me. It wasn't Iruka. Or the old man. Or anyone from the village for that matter. Not even that bastard fox.

It was a skeleton.

Sounds funny, doesn't? What would the living have to do with the dead? A lot, apparently.

He was dying too, you see.

I wonder, how does a skeleton die?

He said something about being wounded, landing in this world by accident. Something about a shortcut gone wrong. I didn't understand. Still don't. Undead don't bleed, but this one did. Even now I remember the sight of him; his jacket torn, the blood on his shirt. His blood was the same color as mine. Heh. Suppose we weren't so different at all in the end.

His name was Sans.

We talked for awhile. Not like we had anything better to do down in that pit. It could've been hours; might've been days. I don't remember. Eventually I came to realize the truth; he wasn't from this world at all. What do you call a dimension-hopping skeleton? There's a pun to be made there, but I can'd do it for the life of me.

And at the end we cut a deal.

He told me he was tired of living, of existing only to inevitably die again. I never quite understood that. How many times had he died before this? Still, I empathized with him; begged him to kill me before I starved to death or worse, went mad from hunger.

Perhaps he saw something in me that day. Perhaps I reminded him of someone. Perhaps he was feeling petty. I don't know. Instead of granting my wish the bastard gave me his SOUL and all that came with it. His bones, to replace those I had broken. His power, in place of my own powerlessness. He forced me to live and keep living for reasons I still don't understand, nor ever will. All on the condition that I promised to live. Not for others, but for myself. I think...I inherited more than just his soul. My pranks weren't really devilish until after our union.

Naruto died that day.

So did Sans the Skeleton.

What remained was some strange amalgamation of the two.

I still looked like myself, for the most part. Just...leaner. On the outside, not much changed. I gained a burning blue right eye that just wouldn't go out, but I'll be damned if it didn't look cool. You know...there wasn't even anything left of Sans to bury at the end. What was left of him turned to dust, leaving his jacket behind. I buried the dust of my first and last friend, said my prayers, and picked up his jacket. Now, that's a bad joke if I've ever heard one. I cared more for a stranger of a few hours than the village that raised me. Worst damn joke I've ever heard.

So I took up that old blue hoodie, wall-walked my way out of that god awful place, and never looked back.

I could've gone anywhere; in the end I just picked a direction and started walking south.

The first hunter squad to finally find me got themselves tarred and feathered.

ThErEsToFtHeMhAdAbAdTiMe.

I couldn't learn any jutsu; the best I could ever hope to do was walk on walls and water. But In time I gained something even better.

Putting Sans and his "unique" set of skills aside, I developed an even more dangerous talent.

That's right; I learned how to dodge.

For all my power, my new body was...flimsy...at first. Little more than skin draped across bones. One good solid hit and I was dead as dust. So I mastered the ancient art of don't-get-hit-you-dumbass. Your enemy could be the strongest in the world, but it doesn't mean jack-shit if they can't hit you in the first place. Heh. PUN-bearable, isn't it? I'm not sorry. I guess you could say I had a skeleTON of fun. Why the long face? Did my words strike a NERVE? Cut you down to the BONE?

Ha! I could do this all day!

I guess you could say his death gave me a purpose.

Everyone who ever came after me, be it old classmates, super-secret-organizations, or even madman with a bender about ruling the world; they all left with singed eyebrows and a skull-full of puns. What? I prided myself on my works. I pranked everyone equally. Rich and poor, great and small. Who woulda thought pranks-or a rogue prankster-could save the world? I didn't. Really! I wasn't trying to make myself a legend at all! It was an accident, I swear! Y'see, I think I finally aggravated my enemies so much that they all just decided NOPE! Not dealing with him! The Moon's Eye Plan? Forget about it! World domination? Screw that! Not worth it!

At the end of it all, I settled down and adopted a pair of nameless orphans. Named the first Frisk. Second one was Chara.

They were good girls, a little unruly at times, but good. Made my life better before the end.

Would you believe I opened up a restaurant and started serving spaghetti?

Turns out I had a knack for cooking.

Who knew?

See, coincidences like that almost makes me thing the old bag-of-bones is still somewhere in my head, subtly influencing my actions. Because I remember him mentioning something about a brother with a mad love of all things pasta. Wherever he is, that lanky bastard's probably laughing his nonexistent ass off right about now. But enough about my past and how I died.

Tell me, what am I known for?

Pranks. Chaos. Puns.

BIIIIIIIINGO!

I've peered into the abyss during my life and seen what's out there, but never traveled to any of them. Never had the capacity. I could see, I could hear, but not touch. Never touch. No matter how strong I became, no matter how fast, no matter how absurd the prank. I could only watch. There are...well. A lot of me. Not "me" per-se, but other versions of myself. Endless possibilities, all of them.

Eventually I died and surprise, surprise, my soul went to the Throne.

You see, its all mischief.

That's all I've ever been known for.

But you see, they know nothing of me.

And because of that, they'll never see me coming.

By that reckoning, I'm not a bad guy. No, no, no. There are way worse incarnations of myself out there. I've seen one who eats planets for breakfast. Nasty chap. Me? I've only ever fought with my fists when I had to, not to kill, not to hurt, just to escape. I'm no Saber, Lancer, Archer, or what-have-you. I can't use a jutsu to save my life. Even if the Eight Gates are a bit of an exception. I'm just a trickster. A prankster. If there's a class for me, it can only be one.

Jester.

Now, I'll pull the greatest deception of all time.

With meticulous planning, tenacity spanning decades of denial, that's simply why I'll be king. Undisputed. Respected. Saluted. And seen for the wonder that I am. Not a kage-oh no-but a lord of fools, oho! I'll pull the wool over their eyes, it'll be quite the surprise, the last one that they'll ever see!

Yes, all these schemes and ambitions have been bared!

So listen well, watch and see! Be prepared!

For a prank unlike any other!

For all of my brothers!

For me.

(...0o0o0...)

Ryunosuke all but bounced on his feet.

So cool!

For the better part of a day now he'd been messing about with some blood and a book of jokes found in his family's attic.

"Right, like this, I guess?" pausing, he considered his work he'd traced with a bloodied toe, the grisly circle he'd carved before him. "Whaddya think, kid?"

The boy bound at his feet-whose parents he'd murdered only minutes ago-could only offer a muffled shriek.

"Do you think demons exist, kiddo?" ignoring the soon-to-be sacrifice, he continued clumsily tracing the circle with all the skill of an amateur artist. "All the papers and magazines out there call me a demon. But wouldn't that be kinda rude if demons really did exist? You've gotta be clear about these things, ya know?"

Another muffled scry.

He was not a magus in the traditional sense, but rather descended for a once prestigious lineage that had called Fuyuki its home. Through blind, bloody luck and scattered notes left behind by his ancestors, he had tried to summon a "demon" by creating a summoning circle. The catalyst for said circle, you ask? Why, the blood of a murdered family, of course!

There could be no finer substitute!

Mass murderer he may be, but he had standards.

"Sup!" grinning he dropped down on his haunches and snapped off a snarky salute, causing his victim to finch. "I'm Uryuu Ryuunosuke, and I'm a demon! How's that?!" Despite the terror of his quivering victim, his expression faltered. "I dunno if that's how I should be introducing myself...eh, whatever. So, like, I found this!"

Triumphantly, he brandished the battered tome before the boy, as though it were some incredible prize. "Its some old book I found in the storehouse. Looks like my ancestors were researching how to summon demons! So like, I've gotta find out if demons really do exist!"

Prancing away, he spun in place like a giddy schoolgirl.

"But y'know, if a demon really did come out, it'd be pretty dumb to just chat with it and have nothing to offer him." Those dead, fish-like eyes narrowed upon the gagged youth, utterly abandoning any and all pretense of civility. "So kiddo...if something really does show up, mind if I let it kill you?"

At this statement the boy shrieked anew, struggling against the ropes that held his limbs, to no avail.

"Ha! I wonder what's its like, being devoured by a demon! Its got to be a once in a lifetime-ow!"

His own pitiable circuits, sleeping until this very moment, awoke violently.

So too did the circle he'd finished tracing.

An explosion of light and sound and presence ripped young Ryunosuke from his feet and hurled him away as though he weighed no more than the child he'd kidnapped. His back struck the wall with a solid crunch and he felt something tear deep inside him. But even that thought was stripped away by the sight unfolding before him.

"Oi, oi, oi! What the hell?!"

Pain blazed violently across his right hand, forcing the young man to turn his attention away from the boy thrashing violently at his feet. To his mild confusion a strange series of seals bloomed there even as he clutched at them, red as blood. Huh? He saw them sure enough, but their meaning escaped him. What kind of tattoo was this? He'd never had one in his life! So why were they there now?!

At some unseen command, the smoke cleared, revealing something.

No.

Someone.

He hadn't actually expected someone to show up!

Though the newcomer was as lean as he was tall, he was just as fancifully dressed. He wore a simple battered blue jacket, left open at the front to expose a shirt of many colors, but mostly orange and black and blue. He looked quite the fool, 'tis true. Clad in little more than that, he didn't even deign to wear a hat. Bright blue eyes like sunny skies narrowed upon Ryunosuke, his tan face framed by whiskered cheeks alongside an unkempt mess of unruly blond hair. No effort was made to tame that wild mess, rather, he just stared.

"You called me, right?" his voice had a decidedly...off quality to it. As though he were reading lines from a script, and trying VERY hard not to laugh. "I don't see another mage in sight."

What was with all the rhyming? Was that his shtick or something? God, he hoped not. Rhymes were cool when you used them sparingly. But still! An actual demon! How cool was this?!

At this the murderer finally managed to master himself.

"So coooooooool! Hey, hey! Are you a demon? Did I, the great Ryunosuke actually summon a bonafide demon?! For real?!"

In the face of his childish joy, that jolly smile didn't waver in the least.

"That depends on your definition of the word, kiddo." the newcomer uttered a jaw-popping yawn and stretched-wow, he really was just skin and bones, wasn't he?-but something in the movement instantly put the killer on edge. For some reason it reminded him of a hungry lion about to pounce. That...that was absurd, right? This guy wouldn't attack him, he'd given him no reason to. Right? He definitely wasn't going to die, right? So why did he feel like trembling beneath those blazing blue eyes?

"You got a name?"

...just call me Jester." came the reply. "That'll do for now. Now, since you summoned me-

A faint shifting on the floor caught his attention, and that smile shattered.

Ryunosuke facepalmed. He'd forgotten the kid!

How rude of him.

After all, the runt was supposed to be a sacrifice, wasn't he? And he'd just left him lying there on the floor like a bag of bones! He was even trying to crawl away before he'd bumped into Jester's shin! What kind of host did that make him when he let his meal escape? In one smooth movement Ryunosuke reached down and grabbed his prey by the scruff of the neck.

Still, that small smile never wavered.

"Hey, you wanna kill this brat?"

Jester's eyes turned black.

.

..

...

...burn in hell."

Ryunosuke never felt his death; much less saw it coming. One moment he was staring at the Servant's smirking face, wondering why he was laughing. There was something in his hand now, something that hadn't been there before. What was that? A bone of some sort? He didn't have time to observe it any closer than that. In the next, his head flew from his shoulders in a great gout of gore. Eyes rolling in his head, skull tumbling, his dying brain had time enough for a startled blink, one final nonsensical exclamation.

"So cool...

Then his severed skull struck the floor, bounced once, and he knew no more.

Wordlessly, Naruto bent to untie the boy, sparing the corpse no more attention than he would an ant.

Sure enough the youngster scrambled free the moment the cords fell away. Poor thing, Naruto mused. He was scared out of his wits. Some small part of him pitied the kid; an event like this left scars, no matter how hard you tried to repress them.

"You gonna be okay there, kid?"

A hesitant nod greeted him. "What are you going to do now, mister?"

"Dunno." came the lazy shrug. "Probably screw around a bit, maybe get a bite to eat."

Whistling a jaunty foreign tune, the blond kicked down the nearest wall and set off into the night. After only a moment's hesitation, the child stumbled away in the opposite direction. Pity. "Jester" didn't even deign to look back. Why should he? There was nothing left for him in that room. Best left forgotten, that. No, this was a time for celebration! He was alive again! He could breathe! Think! Feel! The world was his oyster once more! He could go wherever he wanted! Do whatever he wished!

But most importantly...!

"Now, where can I find a good hot dog at this hour?"

Fuyuki City would never know what hit it. Nope. Not at all. Not in the least.

Masters, Servants, even innocent bystanders; in his eyes, all were fair game for him.

After all...when you went on a pranking spree, you pranked everyone equally. That was his motto.

And if he laughed a little at the thought, what of it? It wasn't as if there was anyone else to hear him cackle.

In the days to come, some folks were gonna have a bad time. Others were gonna have a good time. And as to the rest...

Oh.

Well.

Well, well.

Well, well, well.

That'd be telling, wouldn't it?

A/N: A Naruto wield the power of Sans. I guess you could say he had a "bone" to pick with Ryunosuke.

He's all the definition of a glass cannon. Hit him a couple times and he's dead.

But he can make you have a bad time.

X_X

There.

I regret nothing.

Now, don't freak out.

Once again, 'tis a PARODY!

Now I'm sure you have questions.

So by all means, review away and ask me them.

I have something much worse waiting in the wings, but...I'll wait.

I'll leave it to you to guess if this is the Big Bad I've been building up or not.

So. You know what? I'm going to switch it up; I'll leave it to you to decide. So. Go ahead. Let me know.

Servant roster is completely different, sans Gilgamesh. Because he's fun to mess with. Wonder how a Sans!Naruto could stack up to him.

With this, nearly every Master in Fate Zero has been used once. Except Tokiomi. And he's already in a loose association of sorts with "A Most Unlikely Assassin" So...nope! I'm not going to go around pairing Naruto with every Master under the sun, because frankly, that would be boring. Really, the only masters left-off the top of my head-are those of the Red and Black factions, and that's just too much tedium for me to keep going back to Apocrypha with.

Reviews are love, Reviews are life, Reviews keep me alive.

Despite the trolls and flamers howling for my death.

So, in the Eternal and Immortal Words of Atlas...

...Review, Would You Kindly? Please?

No previews. Sorry, everyone.

I'm not in a good mood.

...fine. But only one.

(Preview)

"Silence, mongrel."

Naruto blew out a breath.

"Kings like you...should be burning in hell."

And the world burst into a blinding flash of blue light.

"Look, lady. Independent Action will only get me so far. So whaddya say?"

Jester held up a piece of paper. "Wanna make a contract?"

"If you're hiding a whoopee cushion again-

"Perish the thought!"

"Two against one? Fine. That's fair."

One eye burned a ghastly blue.

"Wanna see a magic trick?"

"Life is a joke. I'm the punchline. Speaking of which. Dodge."

Lancer blinked. "What do you mean do-UGACH?!"

His fist withdrew. "You weren't ready."

R&R~! =D