Trigger Warning - Mentions of rape. Details of sexual abuse in the italic section. This can be skipped without missing the story.

Dimitri's POV

Blood oozed down my body. I didn't realise how much I had missed after my feeding frenzy.

"What a waste," I uttered, as I stood in the cool water of the shower. I had been out in the streets of Novosibirsk where I had found two young ladies as drunk as can be, making their way home after a night of care-free drinking. I followed them before making my move, dragging them into a dark, lonely alley and snatching their lives from them. They hadn't seen it coming.

After I showered, I made my way to Rose's room, knowing she'd be waiting for me eagerly. I was disappointed when I reached her – she was already asleep. I growled, angry at her for not waiting up for my return.

I made my way to the bed and sat myself down next to her unconscious form. Old me probably would had relished in the thought of being so close to her when she was at her most vulnerable. He would have thought she was beautiful and would have cuddled up next to her, protecting her as she slept. Pathetic.

I looked down at the woman sleeping next to me. She looked do fragile and unaware. I relished in that. I could do so many things to her and she wouldn't be able to stop me. She deserved it. She wouldn't join me, she wouldn't turn. Pathetic.

I shifted my body next to her, allowing me better access for what I was about to do. My hands began exploring her body as she slept, moving gradually towards the one place I had avoided so far. If only she had seen how useful she could be to me. Now it was too late. I had waited so long and my primal desires were becoming too much. If she wouldn't give it to me willingly, I would have to take it from her. My hands reached the lace covering her modesty and my fingers curled around the band eagerly.

Enough. I couldn't take it any longer. I ripped her underwear off and spread her legs apart with such a fury it was enough to wake her up. I used all of my bodyweight to trap her as I exposed myself. She looked up at me from the bed with such an intense look of fear in her eyes. It turned me on more. My dick twitched in anticipation, spurred on by the panic she was emitting.

"Dimitri, please, what are you doing?" she tried everything she could to get out of the grasp I had on her. "HELP!" she screamed. I slapped her hard across her face to shut her up.

"I've had enough Rose. I'm finishing this." I growled deeply as I approached her entrance.

My eyes snapped open. My forehead was drenched in sweat, causing my dark hair to stick to it like glue. I was out of breath and panting. What had just happened? I furrowed my eyebrows. I hadn't meant to fall asleep so early.

I had another dream.

"What happened in the dream didn't really happen." I told myself. But it so easily could have…

I sat up and took in my surroundings. I was on our sofa in the middle of our living room, an area I had become accustomed to in the last couple of nights. I looked around the room, the sun had already begun to rise and the light shone through the windows. It was still early; the vampiric night hadn't fully begun. I reached across and grabbed my watch from the coffee table - 8:15 am. Rose would be back from her shift soon.

I sighed and got up from the sofa. My throat was dry from my unexpected sleep and I needed some water to quench my thirst. I headed towards the kitchen and grabbed a drink before returning to the sofa. I sat and tried to think of anything besides my dream, but it was proving difficult.

"It didn't happen" I told myself again. "I didn't hurt her like that." You were going to though…

I clenched my fists, angry at myself that I could have ever treated her that way. She was my Roza, my love.

I heard keys jangling outside the door and I knew it was Rose coming back from her shift. She stepped through the door and I marvelled in her beauty. Even after a long day of work she was still gorgeous. I turned away. How could I have treated someone like her so badly?

"Hey Dimitri I missed you today" she began as she entered the apartment. "You would not believe my day. Lissa –" She stopped when she realised where I was and that I was avoiding her gaze. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine" I managed to say.

"Are you sure? You're on the sofa again. I thought you'd be in bed."

I didn't say anything, still avoiding looking at her. I heard her sigh.

"You're not coming to bed again tonight are you, Comrade?" She asked as she walked over to me. She stopped in front of me and reached out, pushing a strand of my hair back behind my ear. I adored her touch, but I couldn't help but recoil slightly – I didn't deserve to be touched by her.

Since the nightmares had started, I had been spending the last couple of nights on our sofa in the living room. The nightmares brought back so many memories of the times I spent so long trying to forget. I could just about live with the faces of the innocent people I had killed haunting my dreams - I hated it, but I could live with it - but dreaming of Roza killed me. It killed me to remember the pain I put her through and I just couldn't bring myself to be around her much, let alone share a bed with her.

Rose noticed my recoil and sighed. "Again, Dimitri? When is this going to stop?"

I didn't answer. I didn't have the answer to her question and I couldn't lie to her or give her false promises.

She all but stomped as she retreated into the bedroom, returning two minutes later with a photo in her hand. "Look at this. What is this, Dimitri?"

I focussed my eyes on the object in her hands. It was a photo Janine had taken on the day of Vasilisa's coronation. I had my arms wrapped around Rose's waist as she looked up at me with her breathtakingly beautiful smile. Her eyes bore in to mine with such devotion as I looked down at her with a similar expression on my face. I had never seen myself look so happy.

"It's us" I stated.

"And look how happy we are! Why, why has this changed? Tell me what I have done!"

I was gobsmacked. What she had done? No, no. She hadn't done anything wrong. She could never.

"Please, Dimitri. What did I do?"

"Roza, you didn't do anything. I can promise you that much."

"Then why do you look at me now as though you hate me? Why don't you look at me like this anymore?" She asked as she shook the photo of us in my face again. Her voice was laced with hurt.

I stood up from the sofa and took a step back from her. "I don't hate you, Roza. I –" I sighed, "I hate myself."

She didn't know what to say, I could tell. There were few times when Rose was speechless, it was a rare moment, but this was one of them. I took the opportunity to continue.

"I've been remembering things. Remembering all the people I stole lives from. Worst of all I've been remembering you."

She still didn't reply to me.

"I can't believe I had it in me to do that to you, Roza. I loved you with all I had and I still hurt you."

I could feel the hatred of myself and my anger bubbling inside me. I was going to snap before long.

"I treated you like dirt. I didn't see you as My Roza. You were a thing. A thing I could manipulate and abuse. I made you suffer".

"Dimitri, I –" She began before I cut her off.

"I treated you as though you were some glorified sex toy! You didn't deserve that! I held you prisoner in that place for my own disgusting benefits!" I yelled, willing her to see that I just didn't deserve her after what I did.

"Dimitri, enough! I've told you time and time again that I forgive you!" Tears began to roll down her soft cheeks as she pleaded.

My stomach ached and a lump formed in my throat – I was hurting her again. Why couldn't she see that I just wasn't good for her?

Rose had told me so many times that she forgave me and yet I had hurt her so badly there must surely be some part of her that still saw me as an abuser. I kidnapped her, beat her, fed from her and damn near raped her. I couldn't understand how she could forgive me for that.

Rose shook her head. "I thought we were past this. You forgave yourself."

"I tried, Rose, I'm still trying." I turned away from her and collapsed down onto the sofa, allowing my head to fall in my hands. In the darkness of my mind, I saw her silently begging for my mouth to collide with her neck, stealing from her what she needed to live. I saw her obey my every word, wearing next to nothing and pleading with me to make love to her. I saw a monster take advantage of her wanton-like state, wanting to hurt her physically in more ways than one. That monster was me.

"I remember it all so clearly, Roza." I barely whispered. "I remember exactly what I wanted to do to you."

I still had my head in my hands - I couldn't look at her. I didn't deserve to be in her presence, let alone allow myself to look at her beauty. Rose sighed and I heard footsteps as she moved closer before stopping in front of me.

"It doesn't matter, Dimitri. I –"

I snapped. I shot out of my seat so fast I'm surprised I didn't knock her over. "I was going to rape you, Rose!"

My body shook with anger. Anger towards Rose for not realising the severity of what could have happened. Anger towards myself for almost letting that happen. And anger at myself now for losing control. Damn it Dimitri, if she wasn't scared of you before she sure as hell would be now.

Through gritted teeth I explained. "I didn't care about you. All I cared about was my own needs. I remember looking at you in those disgusting, sleazy outfits. I remember it took all of my will power not to force myself on you and take what my body ached for. I wanted to hurt you over and over again and abuse you for my own selfish desires. How can you be with someone like that?"

I stared into her gaze, finally letting the stinging behind my eyes win, and the tears began to spill over. How could I have wanted to do such terrible things to someone so pure, so beautiful?

I expected Rose to react. I thought she would finally realise what a monster I was and she would leave. Instead, her hand reached out towards my face, wiping away the water droplets with the palm of her soft hands.

"I forgive you." I closed my eyes and pulled her to me, wrapping my arms around her shoulders. I buried my face in the top of her head, my cheek leaning against her soft, brown hair.

I love her.

I hated myself for what I had done to her, but I loved her with everything that I had. She deserved the world and I couldn't give that to her. I really had meant it when I said I would try to see past the weeks of torture I had put her through, but every time I looked at her all I saw was her pain. I couldn't live with that.

I pulled back from our embrace, taking a step back to increase the distance between us. She looked up and met my gaze with such adoration. It killed me.

"It wasn't you," she whispered. "That monster wasn't you. He isn't in control now. I forgive you."

I sighed and shook my head. "I'm sorry Roza. You shouldn't be with me. It was a mistake to lead you into false hope that we could work. You should have stayed with Adrian; I know he could have treated you better than I am right now."

The look in Rose's eyes changed from love, to hurt, to anger.

"I can't believe you would say that."

With that, she turned swiftly on her heels and strode towards the front door of our apartment. She didn't look back as she opened the door, but stopped briefly to say, "It wasn't a mistake, Dimitri." She sighed, shook her head and then left.

The door slammed behind her.

Hope you enjoyed the first chapter. I am currently working on chapter two so hopefully that will be up soon!

Please leave a review - I welcome all feedback and would love opinions!