Never start writing with a tired brain. Otherwise, you end up with things like this. I feel like I probably saw Byleth's female version, mentally screamed 'crossdresser' and banged out half of this while half-asleep. Regardless, I do think parts of it have come out well. Anyway, let's go!

Summary: Byleth finds himself in charge of a mission that sends him deep into Kupala territory. The issue? The only way he's getting in is with a disguise. Fortunately, Hilda's here to help, and Lysithea's here to watch.

"It's time. Make me a woman."

"How forward. Are you sure you want this?"

"Of course. I can't afford to wait any longer."

"I see. Shall we get comfortable then? No need to rush something this intimate."

Lysithea had only gone out to get a snack before bed. To hear such sordid chatter, amongst the students of all things! The impropriety threatened to make Lysithea explode in embarrassment. She could only thank the Goddess that the shadows shrouded the wine-red tinge upon her face. It was natural, then, that Lysithea's first reaction was to dash as far away from the crime scene as possible.

Yet a single realisation brought Lysithea to a standstill. The longer she listened to the banter, the less she could deny just who those voices belonged to. There could be but one pair who could speak with such surprisingly mellifluous monotone and silvery seductive sound. Her mind immediately flooded with unspeakable imagery, the already fluorescent blush on Lysithea's face threatened to rival the sun. No longer was this merely a case of students messing around – Lysithea had stumbled on the beginnings of a forbidden relationship, one that could cost their positions at Garreg Mach if they proceeded too far. Surely, she was honour-bound to stop them from making mistakes they couldn't undo?

Admittedly, perhaps there was a more subtle manner of doing so than charging through the door.

"No, you can't do this! Byleth's a professor, you'll get…expelled… Hilda…?" Lysithea's shrill shriek found itself silenced as she glanced to the scissors held in Hilda's hands. She could hardly consider herself an expert when it came to intimate relationships, but something was telling her that scissors typically weren't involved. In fact, the room looked more like a hairdresser than the scene ripped out of a romance novel Lysithea expected. The make-up was easily explained as Hilda's, but the wigs that just so happened to be the same shade as Byleth's hair? Those were a little harder to rationalise. "…I don't know whether this is better or weirder than what I was expecting."

"Well, there goes this being a discrete little operation." Came Hilda's dry remark. "Never expected someone to just charge straight through the door, but oh well. Care to share, Professor?"

"…One more will not hurt." Byleth eventually replied, his face just as stoic even as carefully manicured fingers began combing through his hair. Such a sight was unrivalled in its ridiculousness, yet Lysithea lacked the will to comment. Doing so would only lead to the situation growing even more awkward – something to be avoided at all costs with the already growing headache welling in her mind. "I shall be leaving the monastery in the morning. There have been rumours of the House of Kupala's Lord. He has a curse that bewitches women. Numerous houses have reported missing women."

Byleth's words brought a grimace to Lysithea's lips. She knew those rumours all too well; there was a reason why the Ordelia family never strayed too close to Kupala territory. Paired with the… esoteric way that they dealt with conflict, Lysithea had more than enough reason to keep her distance through her childhood. That the rumours were evidenced was only the cherry on the cake. Honestly, it was a surprise the Kupala family had managed to avoid detection for so many years with how unsavoury their reputation had become. Then again, when you were one of the Leicester Alliance's main weapon and armour providers, people are rather hesitant to openly make an enemy of you.

"I see. After the war broke out, the Kupala family's businesses have been forced to work overtime to keep up with the demand. I assume you're meant to use the distraction to do some private investigating?" Lysithea muttered in response, answered by Byleth's silent nod. "Okay, that's easy enough to understand. Doesn't explain the whole 'wig and make-up' situation going on though. Or the weird way you were talking to each other…"

"From what Marianne's family told her, the Kupalas have randomly decided to stop doing face-to-face business with the usual trading companies. All deals with them have to go through messenger, and then they'll send out one of their men to make the delivery. They say it's to prevent people from taking out the Alliance's best blacksmiths, but considering the other stories floating around, they couldn't be more blatant." Hilda said with a scoff. A good thing too, for it served wonders in hiding Lysithea's final comment. "No face-to-face contact, yet a growing amount of female 'visitors'? practically screams dodgy dealings if you ask me. So, you need to get someone who won't be affected by whatever magic the Kupala family's messing around with, but will actually be let through the door. When you have to be a man for the first half and a woman for the second, there's only one way forward."

It wasn't a difficult deduction. Far from it, the answer couldn't have come to Lysithea any faster. That didn't mean Lysithea could so easily accept it. Even as she watched the gradual transformation happening before her, the insanity of the situation refused to settle. It took all her willpower to restrain herself to simply palming her face.

"So you mean to tell me that the Professor is going to infiltrate the Kupala territory, put a stop to whatever curse they're using to attract women and free whoever's been enslaved by it… while crossdressing?" Lysithea sighed. It had all the makings of the perfect spy drama as well! To have such a thrilling scene ruined by the mental image of Byleth in a dress with a terrible fake voice… she would never be able to look upon the man the same ever again. "Not to be rude, but are you sure this is going to work? I wouldn't exactly call the Professor the most… conspicuous of people. You've got a pretty deep voice and a masculine build; that's not going to be so easily disguised with a wig and make-up."

"Really? But I've been trying so hard to fit in with everyone. It's not like I wanted to stick out so much!"

"…What?" Hilda's lips hadn't moved and there was no one at the door. When Lysithea peeked through the window, she was met by darkness and little else. There simply shouldn't have been anyone who could've spoken in such a rich feminine tone. Yet as Byleth stood with a teasing smile that certainly did not belong on his face, Lysithea found her lips drying as the truth settled.

"Everyone's just way too judgemental nowadays. Seriously, I can't even eat without hearing everyone gossiping about me!" In a manner of seconds, the man's actions had completely transformed, Byleth easing into a stance better suited for Manuela with unsettling ease. even Hilda was left without words as Byleth laid back against the bed, checking his nails for chips in invisible paint. "You'd think with all of the crazy stuff happening, they'd have better things to worry about. Can't say I blame them though; it takes their minds off the depressing stuff."

"…Okay, I'm going to need some brain bleach." Hilda was the first to remark, a teasing groan met with a playful punch from her professor. If Lysithea didn't know any better, she would've thought they had been friends for years with how intimately they acted. That a cough brought back Byleth's usual stoicism in less than a second only served to make the white-haired girl's headache even worse. "But really Professor, let me do my work before you do that. I don't think I could ever take you seriously again if I keep hearing that voice."

"Alright. I guess I'll just keep practising my emotions then." Though his voice thankfully lacked the femininity it bore before, hearing such happiness come from Byleth's mouth was still unsettling. "I don't get that many infiltration missions anymore. I haven't had to put these acting skills to good use in ages!"

"I must admit, I'm a little confused," Lysithea muttered. Honestly, a statement like that didn't even come close to encompassing Lysithea's current mindset, but there was no need to so recklessly voice it. "Professor, a huge portion of the students here were initially put off by your stoicism. Don't you think your life would've been easier had you acted like this from the start? I know I would've felt a little more reassured if you spoke as kindly as you are now."

"Can't you tell, Lysithea?" a hint of sorrow penetrated Byleth's words, the man's eyes falling as Hilda continued to work on him. "This isn't me. This is just some makeshift amalgamation of the people I've come across in my life. Every emotion they've ever shown on their faces, ever voiced, ever shown in through their bodies. All fused into a chimeric mask. Do you think I would've been able to talk like before without being influenced by Hilda, Manuela, Dorothea? Can you hear the pieces of Caspar and Claude in my voice right now? It might not have been too bad in the short term, but over time? A mask like this can be more terrifying than how people normally see me. At least with how I normally act, they see it as Byleth being Byleth. Once you realise how fake this act is, you can only wonder what's hiding underneath."

Lysithea had to rub her eyes to make sure they weren't deceiving her. Though she tried her best to focus on his words, the plastic nature of his smile was simply too unnerving to ignore. How seamlessly Byleth's artificial visage merged into his flesh, glass eyes only able to attempt to reflect life within them. At that moment, Byleth looked no different from a homunculus running through a routine. Algorithmically sorting through a database of reactions, playing each one as the scenario demanded with unerring accuracy. Byleth might as well have been made of metal.

Yet when she blinked, it disappeared without a trace. A stone-like expression had taken its place, Byleth's eyes as unreadable as ever. On anyone else, it would seem inhumane. It was only now that Lysithea realised just how much more natural it was compared to the alternative. Fortunately, such heavy thoughts were quickly shunted aside as Hilda gave a satisfied sound, a quick flick of her hands releasing the flowing locks she held. Faced with her professor now sporting the most ill-suited of hairstyles, how could Lysithea ever focus on anything else? The giggles escaped before either girl could think of stopping them.

"Oh my Professor, you look positively gorgeous!" Hilda gradually managed to voice, reaching for seemingly countless boxes and containers sitting patiently on the desk beside them. "Once we get some of this on you, hopefully, we'll be able to mask some of the rougher aspects of your face. The whole thing will blend in far more naturally then."

Despite the ridiculous nature of the situation, Lysithea had to give Hilda respect. With nothing but a brush, the rugged jawline of the professor seeming melted away. As the minutes passed, the carefully crafted smile upon his face paired with astonishingly altered features meant that Lysithea almost struggled to believe that a man had been sitting their originally. Add that to the specially tailored outfit Byleth had brought along and perhaps even someone like Sylvain might have found themselves falling for Byleth.

"I never thought I'd say this, but I'm getting a bit jealous of your clothes. Where do you even find tights like these?" Hilda grumbled good-naturedly as she placed the fabric against her legs. "I haven't seen anything like this pattern. You have to tell me who this tailor is so I can get something made."

"That would be difficult. He came from Dagda. Fodlan's barriers are tighter thanks to the war." Byleth's drew two very different response; from Lysithea came a small hum of curiosity, while Hilda's drawn-out exaggerated groan threatened to overwhelm it. "He was a poorer man. So long as there was money, he'd do anything. He made the wig as well."

"That you'd have a tailor specially design a woman's armour for you on the off-chance that you would have to disguise yourself as a woman, you are prepared for anything," Lysithea commented in turn, gently stroking the torso piece. The construction was no joke; though it was clearly meant to accentuate certain… curves, the armour wasn't compromised in any manner. Not only was the metal thick enough for adequate protection, not a single spot was unnecessarily revealing for the sake of sexuality.

Though Lysithea was no genius when it came to the art of blacksmithing, there had been plenty of times where she'd seen so-called 'female armour' put onto the market. Needless to say, the focus on drawing eyes through exposed skin when the whole point was to defend someone hadn't exactly sat well with many people. Even those pieces that didn't show such blatant misogynistic design proved near useless in battle, their metal far too thin on the grounds of women apparently being unable to wear the heavier pieces. How entertaining it had been when a passing warrior had approached and proved one such blacksmith wrong in a straight-up brawl.

Lysithea's admiration quickly came to a halt when her fingers slipped within the armour, her hand quickly flinching as it encountered an alien texture. Releasing the armour as if it had bitten her, Lysithea was lost for words as two flesh coloured lumps suddenly fell out from within, their gelatinous forms bouncing upon the ground.

"And what are those meant to be?" she asked, her disgust oozing from every word. Far from her disgusted reaction, Byleth easily handled the lumps, digging his fingers into the material before acting in a manner no one would expect of the straightforward professor.

"Fake breasts." As if thinking his words were insufficient, Byleth followed by placing the lumps upon his chest, Lysithea left spluttering. "You could hear if the armour was hollow. Adding metal would be too heavy, so these were crafted."

"Fake breasts, huh? Maybe you should give them a try Lysithea." Caught off guard by the teasing words, Lysithea could only give a surprised yelp when Hilda grabbed her shoulders from behind. Though the statement alone was enough to bring a healthy colour to Lysithea's face, Hilda's chest pushing against her back made her blush exponentially worse. When they had first met, Hilda had already been healthy for her age and the years had done nothing to halt her growth. Compared to Lysithea… it was a miracle that she managed to restrain her embarrassment enough to not intuitively punch her friend in the face.

"You've been spending way too much time with Claude." Unable to express her true thoughts, Lysithea was forced to settle with just a mutter.

"Well then, I'm ready. How do I look?" turning at the return of Byleth's womanly voice, all other irritations faded away. The voice alone had been freaky, the wig and make-up unsuited for the man's build. All together with the professor's new outfit, however? It was as if the Goddess had never made Byleth a man in the first place. To the smallest detail, nothing of Byleth's original appearance remained save for the hair and eye colour. Even then, it would take a fool to try and claim they were the same. If it weren't for Lysithea and Hilda witnessing the transformation first hand, they too might've fallen prey to Byleth's looks.

It was at that moment that Lysithea realised that of the trio, her chest was the smallest. Fortunately, only a slight twitch of her eyebrow showed her annoyance.

"It's definitely convincing. I'm pretty sure you could walk around outside and everybody would be fooled at first. For people who don't know you, they'd have no reason to suspect you're in a disguise." She eventually praised.

"Just be careful. With the way the boys act around here, you might end up taking over the competition for most beautiful in the monastery." Then warned Hilda, accompanied by a teasing wink. "I'd like to think I had a pretty nice lead, so I don't need any rivals."

"Don't worry. I'll be leaving for Kupala as soon as possible, so there shouldn't be time for anyone to see me." Byleth answered, confidence present to the professor's typically cautious stance. "I shouldn't be too long; no longer than the travel time plus a day or two. Try and make sure that the monastery doesn't burn down in my absence or something, okay? Don't worry, I'll make sure to pay back for your assistance Hilda."

"Bye Professor!" Byleth barely had the time to leave the room before Hilda broke down on the spot, laughter erupting seemingly without end. Faced with such a sight, Lysithea soon found herself joining her, sinking into Hilda's mattress. "So, should we feel nervous that our professor may be more of a woman than we are?"

"More disturbed, frankly. The faster I can get this experience out of my mind, the better." Lysithea couldn't help but reply, shaking her head in desperation. While it certainly helped elevate a boring evening, it was hardly a night Lysithea would be eager to go through again. "For someone so remarkably emotionless, he acts his part very well."

"Aw, come on Lysithea! You're jealous that he has bigger boobs than you."

"…"

"Um, Lysithea? I didn't quite hear what you said." Hilda's amusement quickly faded as she saw the white-haired girl's eyes close, her hands coming together in a way that brought a shiver to Hilda's spine. "Lysithea? Are you okay?"

"…Delta."

"R-remember that we're friends right, we can joke with each other. No harm, yeah?" but it was already too late, for the glow in Lysithea's didn't exactly scream mercy. Well, that and the mass of dark magic already forming within her hands.

"Miasma Delta!"

Lysithea wasn't so cruel; no matter how flashy the spell looked, the actual power behind it was minimal at best. Regardless, it would soon be common knowledge that talking of Lysithea's… size was an act that courted death.

And we'll end it there for now. In Balthus' support with Yuri, he speaks of his mother's village where 'holy red stuff' cured their soldiers. I mean, something like that is gold for us fanfiction writers. Maybe I'll expand on that in future. For now though. I need to get back to playing more. I haven't even got all the S-supports with Byleth yet!

Super hero time! See you next time!