I sit down on the nearest seat by the ticket counter, I sit there as the ticket agent closes the door behind her, I sit as the crew make their last inspections, I sit there as the engines rev to life and the aircraft backs away from the terminal, I sit there as they taxi away, I sit there as they take off, I sit there as they announce my flight is boarding and I sit there as I miss the flight.

You know me better than anyone.

Do I? Do I know her that well?

That wide-eyed, midwestern girl that still looks at acting as a lofty art and not the pony show that it is. That spindly, high-pitched child who slept with my husband and as much as I hate it, has been trying to make up for probably saving me from a long loveless marriage ever since.

Do I know her?

I know that she has written novels of performance reports for as long as I've known her. I know that she loves animals but is oddly allergic to nearly every one. I know that she finds herself to be steak connoisseur but is down for a cheap burger any day. I know that she flutters her eyelashes when she's trying not to cry. I would laugh that she looks like tweety bird when she does that but all humor vanishes the moment I see tears sparkling in her eyes.

I know that she's beautiful even when she cries.

But she isn't perfect! She's bossy and pushy and so eager to do something at any hour of the day. That's why I wanted her to have this job! She has the potential to go so far! Sure she could use some tips on how to handle money but of course, I could handle that. I mean come on, I wouldn't let her wreak havoc on this golden fucking egg that I have placed in her lap!

That look on her face when I told her it wasn't going to happen. I shouldn't have said that. I can't get that look out of my head. She looked like Randy did when he fell off the couch the first time and I wasn't there in time to catch him. He looked up at me like all the trust he had in the world had just vanished. Ruth, of all people, needs a dose of reality once in a while. I still shouldn't have said it. Sometimes I wish I had that childlike optimism. The complete victory she celebrated when she found that walking stick on that godforsaken hike. It was kind of infectious, I won't lie.

I stand and walk numbly to the payphone. I need to let Mark know I missed my flight and to add another reason to the list I am constantly failing as a mother.

You know me better than anyone.

She's probably right. I do know her. I know that I've messed up and I hurt my friend, my business partner, my…I messed up.

I do know her. I know her probably more than I know myself.