Summary: With Dazai as his former mentor as well as being in the Port Mafia, Akutagawa Ryuunosuke has little to no idea about how a real family should act. Thank God Chuuya is there to pick up the pieces. (Caring about someone outside of your sibling - and when you've had nothing to care for - is a learning process Akutagawa has to take one step at a time…)

Chapter Summary: Akutagawa goes on a walk to dispel his nightmares. He certainly wasn't expecting to have a heart-to-heart with his superior and current mentor Nakahara Chuuya.

/I own nothing, by the way. This fic is inspired by allwalkfree and their Bungou Stray Dogs story Il Be There Because I Want To, which is in fact wholesome and an amazing read. Please, check it out!

Enjoy!

(This is my first time writing Akutagawa's character and I AM SO EXCITED - )

"Itsudatte kou yatte tsukiotosareteshimau nosa

Shinratsu de shiriasu na kimi no koe ga sasattekuru

Nanzenkai nanmankai boku no kimochi katachi ni shite

Uchikonde nagekonde dakedo kimi wa nigeteku dake."

[Yeah, I get knocked down like this everytime (but what else can I do)

Your scathing, serious voice cuts me (like no one else ever could)

Thousands, tens of thousands of times I've given form to my feelings

Driven them, thrown them in, but all you do is run (run away from me)]

QUESTION by 3-nen E-gumi Utatan

It was the fourth time Akutagawa Ryuunosuke woke with sweat staining his brows and gasps filling the air that he decided to get up.

Making as little noise as possible so as to not disturb Gin (she was usually a light sleeper, but she somehow developed the habit of letting herself sleep when her brother was up and about) he padded softly into the living room, grabbing his beloved coat from where it hung on the couch and traversing towards the door. There he pulled on his shoes before reaching for the doorknob, sparing one last glance over his shoulder back towards their shared room. He could faintly make out the sound of light snoring, and his posture relaxed as his lips twitched upwards.

"I'll be back before sunrise." He whispered into the quiet, a promise he had every intention of fulfilling since the one time he wasn't back before then his sister launched herself at him, not even letting him get a single step into their apartment.

"You worried me." She had said, hugging him tightly and burying her head into his shoulder. He stiffened at the sudden affection, unsure of what to do in response. "I thought something happened to you."

At that point, an unfamiliar feeling pooled at the bottom of his stomach and for some reason he had gotten the urge to hug her back, which he did hesitantly. The siblings usually never showed emotion physically (and when they did it was slow and deliberate so the other knew what was coming), so he knew that he had really made Gin worry about him. Thousands of thoughts ran through his head, and he had trouble keeping them in order much less focusing on one.

"I'm sorry." He'd replied with lamely, feeling (useless embarrassed ashamed - ) her tremble slightly as he solidified their hug.

I'm sorry.

Akutagawa may be many things, but he was in fact not a liar. (Not to others, at least.)

As he exited the apartment complex, he let the memory wash away in the face of the chill November brought to Yokohama. Even though dark clouds painted the sky overhead he could tell that he had two, maybe three hours before sunrise. That would make it 2:00am, then. A small but wry smile made its way onto his face. Better than the other times, I suppose.

Due to the nature of his dreams, he would usually wake up at midnight choking on air and a hand outstretched towards the sky. What he was reaching for, he would never truly know, but he knew who was involved.

Dazai-san.

The name elicited both a scowl and a glare into the distance, presumably towards where the Armed Detective Agency resided. That man was always in his dreams, and no matter how much he tried to struggle he always felt a familiar surge of fear whenever he saw (or even heard) the bandaged man.

The weretiger thought that he was an obsessed fanboy of Dazai-san. (He couldn't be farther from the truth.)

Although, I can see where he would get the notion from. Thinking about his own actions whenever Dazai-san was involved made his lip curl with disdain. Stupid Jinko.

Akutagawa followed Dazai-san's every command because he knew what would happen if he didn't. He knew the true nature of his ex-mentor. He knew how utterly ruthless (terrifying, a monster) Dazai-san could be.

And, if he could get his approval, then it would mean that he actually cared about him. That all of the beatings, the suffering, the blood, sweat, and tears were for something.

That -

That he was worth something.

He stopped walking at the thought, finding himself on the Yokohama Bay Bridge. The water reflected the moonlight each time it peeked out from behind the clouds, the calm waves making him relax as he stared out at the twinkling city lights in the distance. He shoved a hand into his coat pocket, the other coming up to his mouth to cover the cough that escaped him. The thought would be downright disturbing to others, he was sure, but for him it made perfect sense. He was his mentor; he had to live up to his expectations.

"Ah, nice night, isn't it?"

Speaking of mentors…

"Chuuya-san." Akutagawa tilted his head in greeting towards the other, feeling rather than seeing the shorter man lean against the rail. He wasn't wearing his traditional coat the Port Mafia gave him, instead donning a cobalt blue trench coat with a black and red scarf. His trademark fedora rested on top of his head, covering his eyes from the angle Akutagawa was at.

"Akutagawa." The gravity user replied in greeting, lifting his head a little to stare at the tantilizing lights across the water. Akutagawa wondered what he was doing here so early, opening his mouth to ask, but Dazai's bandaged face flashed in his head and he swallowed harshly instead. His mouth felt dry, his hands shook in his pockets, and he silently cursed the man. He couldn't be intrusive; the last time he asked a question like that, it was seen as insubordination. He then realized that Chuuya-san was waiting for him to say something in response, so he steeled himself.

"It is morning, Chuuya-san, not night." Akutagawa quietly corrected, keeping the air of formality between them as he subconsciously straightened his back from its previous slouch. He figured that this was the best approach, the best way to not anger him so that he'd -

Chuuya-san snorted. "Damn right it is. What the hell are you doing out here in just your thin coat? It's fucking cold."

This...brashness, while expected, still struck Akutagawa as completely casual. Granted, Chuuya-san talked like that with all of his subordinates unless the situation was dire, but it still shocked him.

Mentors were supposed to order you around, the subordinate obeying their every command without fail.

So why was Chuuya-san asking him why he was here? Casually?

"I apologize, Chuuya-san." He coughed into his hand once more, feeling the chill reach his bones at last with the comment. "I merely wished to go on a walk."

Chuuya-san stayed quiet, and Akutagawa thought that he had inadvertently upset him. He went rigid, expecting the other to lash out at him or to speak in that cold, condescending tone accompanied by a smile marred with bandages -

"Y'know, you don't have to keep doing that."

Chuuya-san's response made Akutagawa stiffen, mind racing to put together an apology in hopes that he could remedy the situation. "Chuuya-san, I - "

"I mean, talk to me in that stuffy way of yours. As if I'm only your senior, and you have to respect me." Chuuya-san clarified, finally tipping his head up enough so that Akutagawa could see his eyes. They weren't cold nor condescending; they were something, but he couldn't think of what they were. "All I want to know is why you're out here at this god-awful time of the morning."

A silence fell over them as Akutagawa struggled to say something, anything in response, and he realized that Chuuya-san was perfectly fine with waiting for him. His patience threw him for a loop, a weird feeling settling in his chest, and he finally found what he wanted to say.

"...Chuuya-san."

"Yeah?"

"This is the only way I am able to." Akutagawa was inwardly berating himself for opening up like this, and he partly blamed Chuuya-san's casual behavior making him feel even the slightest bit relaxed. He couldn't bring himself to look at the other, instead opting to stare at the city they protect together. "You are my mentor, and I am your subordinate. As for why I am here on a walk instead of resting, it is because I could not rest any longer."

Chuuya-san ran a hand down his face, letting out a sigh. Akutagawa frowned; did he disappoint him?

"Well, I guess we all have those days." The fedora-clad man glanced at him, a slight frown on his own lips as he saw whatever expression Akutagawa was making at the moment. "I don't wanna sound intrusive, but I'm guessing that you had a nightmare and couldn't sleep anymore."

Akutagawa stiffened once more, this time feeling irked and responding in a harsher tone than he meant to. "An unpleasant dream, Chuuya-san. Not a nightmare."

Chuuya-san raised an eyebrow at his reaction. "Akutagawa, we work for the Mafia. Everyone has their own nightmares from their experiences." His expression softened, looking up at the black-haired man. "And, usually, talking things out helps them go away."

Akutagawa wanted to refute that he wasn't having nightmares, but Chuuya-san had a point. No one in the Port Mafia was without their own batch of nightmares, and that included the man standing next to him. Instead of talking about it, as he was certain that it was what Chuuya was implying for him to do, he deflected. "I take it that is why Chuuya-san is out so early as well?"

Chuuya chuckled bitterly. "Yeah...Yeah, I am." He shifted so that his arms rested on the railing of the bridge as well, placing his head on them with an almost-silent sigh. He seemed to be sighing a lot during their conversation, actually, Akutagawa noted. Maybe it has to do with his own unpleasant dream.

"I usually have a nightmare about one particular mission I went on. I was still learning how to properly be a Mafia Executive, and adapting to commanding my men throughout battle." His mentor began, and Akutagawa could already see how this was going to end. Chuuya-san doesn't really handle death well, and for him to have just started being an Executive…

"We were up against a small group of Ability-users. Nothing big by itself, except that we were told that there were only three ability users in the group. There were ten."

Silence washed over them, and Akutagawa found himself hanging onto every word spoken. It was strange; usually, he didn't pay attention to another person's nightmares or recounts of battles, yet here he was with Chuuya-san. Before he had time to ponder why, the Mafia Executive continued.

"Fifty-eight men were stationed with me, including the Black Lizard. I gave out the wrong order, and thirty-five men came home in body bags." Chuuya-san swallowed hard. "Akutagawa, I messed up. I messed up and my people, the very same people who I would talk to and check in on, came home dead." His voice cracked at the last word, and Akutagawa could see him struggle to hold himself together. He looked...so much older than twenty two. Seeing his senior so vulnerable, so shaken with a grief he never really got over struck a chord inside of him, and melancholy (ah, finally, a feeling he was familiar with) welled up until he felt it get caught in his throat.

He wouldn't dare interrupt him, both out of respect and out of fear (a bandaged face smiled mercilessly at him from the dark, mocking his weakness).

"Kouyou-san came into my room the third night I woke up screaming. She forced me to talk, saying that it would make me feel better." He chuckled bitterly. "And guess what? It did. The more I talked about it, the less I woke up at odd hours. Now, I only get that nightmare every once in a while."

"Chuuya-san." Once Akutagawa had his attention he continued, voice strong and unwavering. "You led your men. You made decisions. You trusted them, and they trusted you. With your bond, they would never think to fault you. You need to stop blaming yourself for something out of your control. Some of your people still came home, and that is what matters most.

"There is a time to lament the fallen. Don't let it get to you to the point that you lose sight of those still living."

As Chuuya-san stared at him with wide eyes, shock clearly shown in those cerulean orbs, Akutagawa realized what he just said. With a cough, he turned away from his gaze. "You are a...good role model for your men. They would die for you, and I can see that you would die for them. That bond is strong; you are a good Executive for that."

Blip.

The continued silence on Chuuya-san's end made Akutagawa turn back to him, only for his own eyes to widen. The Executive was crying silently, mouth still slightly open in shock as tear after tear escaped him and made trails down his cheeks. The droplets of water fell to the ground, dispersing upon impact with the pavement.

While he looked calm on the outside, internally Akutagawa was a whirlwind of fear, panic, confusion, and - weirdly enough - concern. He didn't think that his words would make Chuuya-san cry. How the hell was he supposed to remedy the situation?

Apparently, he didn't need to. Chuuya-san wiped his eyes with the back of his hands, not one sob escaping him nor did his breathing hitch. It was as if he wasn't really crying, Akutagawa noticed with some surprise. "...I knew you were a good kid, Akutagawa."

- What?

"I-I was merely stating the facts, Chuuya-san - "

"Save it." He cut him off. "It's the truth."

Those words, those simple words, rocked Akutagawa's world. He was...a good kid? He was only saying the truth to Chuuya-san; he didn't see how that made him good. He's the Rabid Dog of the Port Mafia. Why would he even think otherwise?

He stated as such, locking eyes with his mentor before speaking in a dry tone. "...Chuuya-san, we're a part of the Port Mafia. I don't think that constitutes me as a good person."

"I've worked with bad people in the Mafia before. You're a little stand-offish, but you're nothing like them." And just like that Chuuya-san refuted his argument, waving a hand in the air dismissively. His tears were gone at this point, a grin (although the slightest bit shaky) in place of the frown. "Your initial reaction was to comfort me, too. You're not heartless, you know."

Akutagawa couldn't believe what he was hearing.

He...He really meant it.

He thinks I'm a good person.

"Does that make me good enough?" Akutagawa blurted out somewhat desperately, much to his superior's surprise as it was to his own. He didn't know where it came from, much less why he said it, but it was too late to take it back. His words hung in the air between them (to his shame), the immediate silence that followed bringing forth a small amount of tension.

"Good enough for what?" Chuuya-san asked with curiosity in his voice, although the look in his eye suggested that he already knew what was to come.

Akutagawa swallowed, mouth dry once more. He should've expected Chuuya-san to push the issue, but it still left him feeling small (scared) knowing that he had to keep talking, or else those bandaged hands and feet would punch him and kick him and grip his hair and tell him how worthless he was being right now if he didn't get up -

"Akutagawa, breathe!"

Hands on his shoulders shook him out of his spiraling thoughts, making him blink and refocus. He faintly realized that his breaths were shallow, as if he was injured, and his chest was constricting from the lack of oxygen. Chuuya-san was shaking him gently, eyes wide with concern before he slightly leaned back in relief.

"You're fine, you're okay, just...breathe. Focus on my voice. In for four, hold for seven, out for eight. And repeat." Akutagawa focused on his voice, already knowing what to do since this wasn't the first time he went into this state. Shame filled him when he realized that he had let the attack creep up on him, especially in the presence of the Mafia Executive.

"I...apologize - " He tried to say in between gasps, his heart rate finally slowing back down to a normal pace after two minutes of following Chuuya-san's orders. The fedora clad man scowled, and Akutagawa wondered what it was that he said to cause such a reaction.

"Akutagawa, you may be smart, but right now you're being really stupid." Chuuya-san said bluntly, flicking his forehead. Akutagawa winced - Chuuya-san was the Mafia's best martial artist, of course his flicks would hurt - and raised a hand to where the pain resonated from, blinking rapidly in confusion. Before he could state otherwise the other continued, crossing his arms.

"You were having a panic attack, there's no reason to apologize. And if you say it's because you had one in front of me, I'll flick you again." Chuuya-san seems serious, Akutagawa noticed as he glanced at him. I never expected his reaction to be like...this.

So he stayed silent in fear of being flicked again, mouth set into a straight line as he looked back out over the waters. Chuuya-san took that as his cue to continue, following his gaze as he spoke.

"Why would you think that you weren't good enough?" He asked quietly, so soft that Akutagwa almost missed it.

"Because I'm not." Akutagawa said, fists clenched at his sides as he thought about how the weretiger would get praised for his actions, how a hand would pat his head whenever Dazai-san was proud -

And I never got any of that. I got the beatings. I suffered more under his care than I did out on the streets.

(But was it worth it?)

"I will continue to be worthless, Chuuya-san. That man has a new subordinate to be proud of. I was merely a defect, a failed project. I was...not worthy." Akutagawa paused, a little surprised at how easily the confession came. He decided to continue, knowing that Chuuya-san would wait until he was finished talking to voice his own opinions.

A sardonic smirk slipped onto his face. "You wanted to know why I was out here, Chuuya-san? It is because of those facts, which my mind has seen fit to torture me with. I will never find reprieve. I will never find solace. That man gives out false hope, only to tear you down until you are lesser than you were before. I realized this the moment I asked you that sudden question because I am seeking approval, recognition for my struggles. It has only struck me now that I will never obtain it." He chuckled, a wry, soft sound that filled the air despite it being short-lived.

"I will continue to live in the weretiger's shadow, Chuuya-san. That thought alone disturbs me more than it should. I was merely...not good enough. I am never good enough for him. To see someone else elicit all that praise from the very same man who tortured me…" His gaze turned into a stare of hate over the calm waters, hands gripping the railing so tightly that his knuckles went white. "And so I wake up from these dreams of being beaten, ordered to stand up, and being beaten again on the foolish hope of gaining praise every night with a hand stretched towards the sky. I still don't know why I do."

"Akutagawa. Look at me."

Chuuya-san's voice had gone cold, and Akutagawa had to stop himself from flinching back at the memories it dredged up. Nonetheless he did as he was told, onyx orbs dragging slowly (reluctantly) to meet cerulean. He saw that Chuuya-san had turned to face him, expression taut.

"Hold out your hand."

Akutagawa immediately did as he was told, the questioning look never leaving his face. He jolted, however, when a hand clasped his own, grip firm and unwavering.

"Chuuya-san?" Akutagawa let the hidden question hang in the air, his mentor seeming to understand as he answered.

"I'm here, Akutagawa."

He...still didn't understand. In fact, that only served to confuse him even further. It must have shown on his face, because Chuuya-san added, "I'm right here. You don't need to reach out anymore."

...Oh.

Oh.

That's what he meant. Akutagawa felt something gather at the corners of his eyes, his body minutely trembling. His calm exterior was cracking - had been cracked - and he didn't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing to just let go -

"It's okay to cry, Akutagawa." - And Chuuya-san gave him one of his rare smiles, expression soft and patient.

Akutagawa's dam broke, tears spilling out in a similar fashion to how Chuuya-san's were mere minutes ago. Only this time, the Executive enveloped him in a hug with their hands still gripped together, a silent promise that meant more to Akutagawa than it probably should.

"I'll always be here," Chuuya-san whispered, not once letting go. "Okay? Don't forget that."

Chuuya-san...doesn't break promises. He would never.

The first rays of sun peeked over the horizon, illuminating the water and the bridge they stood on. In that moment, Akutagawa promised himself to remain loyal to this man in front of him, who had already done so much in the time they spent right here, in this spot.

It was the least he could do in return.

"Let's get you back to your place, Akutagawa." Chuuya-san spoke as he released the hug, taking off his own scarf and wrapping around his neck before proceeding to scold him. "We need you alive, not frozen to death. Honestly, what were you thinking coming out here dressed like that…"

"...Okay." Akutagawa nodded, and together the duo headed back to the city they shared.

*Yokohama - 3:27pm*

Nakahara Chuuya stared up at the building before him for about five seconds before he opened the door, trekking up the stairs to his desired floor. There, he opened the door without knocking first, coat billowing behind him like a cape as he stepped into the room. All pairs of eyes zeroed in on him; although there was a truce put in place after the fall of the Guild, the Armed Detective Agency members were still on guard whenever a member of the Port Mafia entered their office.

"Where's the waste of bandages?" He asked with slight annoyance in his voice, watching the kid Akutagawa usually called Jinko point to the couch wordlessly. The figure there stretched languidly before standing up, spotting Chuuya and letting a grin settle on his face.

"Ah, if it isn't the hat rack! To what do I owe the pleas- "

Chuuya took three strides towards him and socked him in the face.

The other Agency members' reactions were priceless; the weretiger and another teen had their mouths hung open in shock, the one with the brown newsboy cap hummed in interest as he sucked on a candy, the doctor raised her eyebrows, the strong kid blinked in surprise, and the blond-haired man's glasses went askew as his eyes widened. Dazai merely wiped the blood from his mouth with the back of his hand, a dangerous glint entering his eyes but he made no other move.

"Listen here and listen good, Dazai." Chuuya's voice was deathly calm, a chill settling over most of the other Agency members. "I know that I let you get away with a lot of the shit you do and the stunts you pull, but this time you crossed the fucking line."

Dazai sent him one of his amused smiles. "Oh, you mean about the time I - "

Chuuya gripped the hem of his coat and easily lifted him into the air, eyes dead and voice still calm. "I'm still talking, Osamu."

The condescending tone didn't go unnoticed by the other, who widened his eyes by a fraction before his expression mirrored his own. Chuuya knew that meant Dazai was a little annoyed at him for using that tone, but he knew that he wouldn't dare protest when he was this angry. The blond one with glasses made a move to help but Dazai held his hand out to stop him, shaking his head ever so slightly.

"You manipulated him to suit your own ends. A fucking kid." Chuuya shook his head in disbelief before resuming. "You gave him false hope, and you used him. I didn't think that you could've sunk lower than you have, and I was wrong." He dropped the taller man to the floor, jabbing a finger into his face as an aura of bloodlust surrounded him.

"You know, if the city didn't need you I would kill you myself." He seethed.

"Oh? Even though you need me to control Corruption?" Dazai shot back.

"I don't need you for anything." Chuuya replied before reigning himself back in, the bloodlust dissolving to a more amicable level. The calm, condescending tone came back to his voice as he returned to the topic at hand. He could see that Dazai was slightly impressed with his control, but he couldn't bring himself to care at the moment.

"He deserved better, you know." His eyes softened at the memory of earlier, when Akutagawa clutched at him with his tear-stained face as if he were his lifeline and feeling so fragile in Chuuya's arms. "He's worth more than you and your dumbass. I can't believe he still believes in you." With those words hanging in the air, he turned on his heel and approached the door before sending one last glance over his shoulder.

"One more thing. Don't you dare come near him again until I say so, or I'll make you wish you could commit suicide once I'm through with you."

Once the door slammed shut behind him, Yosano let out a low whistle. "Damn, Dazai...What the hell did you do?"

"Wh-Who was he talking about, Dazai-san?" Atsushi asked timidly. Dazai turned to look at him, a mysterious and somewhat amused smile on his face.

"Someone you know very well, Atsushi-kun." He was surprised that Chuuya even showed up to the ADA, even more so once he found out why he did.

"Looking out for Akutagawa now, aren't you?" Dazai murmured to himself as he reclaimed his spot on the couch, closing his eyes and letting the light smile settle on his face despite it pulling on his bruising cheek.

He should've known that Chuuya would get attached; he'd underestimated how fast, though. That man had a bleeding heart, after all.

But how will you fix something that's broken? I'm looking forward to seeing you try.

/Um…

This was longer than I expected it to be. 4x longer, in fact.

Literal Summary of Chapter 1: Aku's a sad boi, Chuuya is an angry boi, and Dazai is an injured boi who needs to learn that all his actions have consequences.

I hope you all enjoyed! allwalkfree actually reached out me with another plot point, which will be seen in Chapter Two! (I hope you enjoyed this chapter, though!)

Until next time!

- VampChippzRisesAgain