Chapter 24: Big Cold Mountain
Part 47: Ice Climber Escapades
Saria groaned in exasperation. "We're lost, Ness." she said, firmly. "Not only are we lost, but we are going in circles."
"What makes you say that?" Ness asked, looking around.
"Well, the fact that we've been walking for an hour and we just arrived back at the cave we had left this morning was a tip off." Saria answered, indicating the snow cave.
Ness groaned and collapsed back. "I see." he said, frowning. "We're going to die, aren't we?"
"What we need are experts." the young woman said. "People who know this area like the back of their hands."
"Yeah, but where are we going to find anyone? Let alone experts!"
"Look no further!" Came the voice from above. "For we are... Ice Climbers!" A blue figure stood tall against the ice, on top of a stool, holding a flag on which was inscribed 'Ice Climbers Forever!'
'Talk about Deus ex Machina," Ness thought, bitterly. But his attention was redrawn to the blue figure. "Popo?"
"Ah ha!" Popo (for it was indeed he) exclaimed. "I know that voice!" the Ice Climber leapt down from his perch and ran to Ness. "Good old Smedley! I'd recognise you anywhere!"
Ness frowned slightly and looked over to Saria, who was trying not to laugh. Seeing no help there, the young man coughed and replied, "Actually, my name is..."
"Ness, right?" another voice said, as a pink figure came over the hill. "Popo, you remember Ness... Right?"
"Oh yeah! We met him at the thing, Nana! And there was this thing, and then some thing happened, and then... You're the guy who does things!" Popo nodded in recognition and eagerly clasped Ness's hand and shook it repeatedly. "Good ol' Mess!"
Saria finally managed to gain control of her laughter. "Friends of yours, Ness?" her eyes caught Nana's and a spark of mutual resignation filtered between them.
Once he had disengaged himself from Popo's grasp, Ness nodded. "The guy in blue is named Popo, and the girl in pink is named Nana."
Popo ran back to Nana and bowed. "And together, we form that mischievous duo of intense icy power, the Ice Climbers!" he smacked his hand into Nana's. "Ice Twin Powers, Activate!"
Nana stared at him for a few seconds. "What in the name of all that is holy do you think you're doing?" she finally asked, shaking him off. The young woman turned and faced Ness, clearly about to apologise.
Popo, however, had turned to Saria. "And who is this lovely young lady?"
Saria smiled a bit hesitantly, and answered, "My name is Saria..."
But Popo wasn't paying attention. "Ah! I haven't introduced myself! I am Popo P. Poffington, of the Jaribaya Poffingtons." He bowed repeatedly.
Ness quickly intervened, seeing a cataclysm building. "Where is Jarabaya?"
Nana answered for Popo, who was now paying very close attention to a shiny beetle on a tree branch. "It's on a distant plateau, far from this mountain. We got here on our spaceship."
"You have a spaceship?" Ness blinked, a plan coming to him. "That's a miracle!"
"Had a spaceship. We can't get back into it because of the falcon. But now that you're here, perhaps we have a chance!" Nana smiled triumphantly. "And if you help us, we'll take you anywhere you want to go! Right, Popo?"
Popo held out his hand to the beetle. "Beetle...come here Mr. Beetle...beeeeetle..." he looked up and stared at Saria, Ness, and Nana again. "Sorry, who are you again?"
"He agrees too." Nana nodded. "Popo, we need to start looking for the ship."
"Oh, the Lollipop!" Popo smiled and pointed up the mountain. "Onwards, Smedley, Jane, and Nana! I shall lead you to the ship!" He turned, and walked into the tree. After his friends had extricated him, he walked around and started up the hill. "Excelsior! Come, Smedley! Let us beat a path for the lovely ladies!"
Ness ran after him, angrily shouting, "My name is Ness!" Soon, they vanished over the hill.
Saria and Nana took one look at each other, shook their heads, and followed at a sedate pace.
"Remind me, Popo." Nana said, two hours later. "How was us hitting the polar bear with a rock going to solve our problems?" she, like the others, was currently dangling from a rope dangling on the ceiling, while underneath them a very angry polar bear in Hawaiian shorts was looking through a recipe book, his sunglasses on his forehead.
We don't have time to discuss your failings, Nana." Popo yawned. "Right now, our key priority must be to escape from these ropes."
Ness looked over at Saria. "Saria, can you magic us free?"
She frowned. "Ummm...I do forest magic, Ness. Are we in a forest right now? How about your psychic power?"
"I'd need to be able to concentrate. Right now, I'm upside-down and about to be eaten by a bear wearing ugly shorts. That's not conducive to concentration."
"Hey!" said bear snapped, revealing rows and rows of pointy teeth. "Do I insult your dress-sense?"
"Sorry, Mr. Bear."
"And who said I was going to eat you? I never said I was going to eat you!"
"So, what are you going to do with us?" Nana asked, giving up on trying to kill Popo with a glare.
"Well, as a matter of fact, I am going to eat you. But I hate how you automatically assumed..." fortunately, they never found out what they had assumed, because then the mountain exploded.
"Does that happen often around here?" Saria asked Popo as they flew through the air.
"You mean, random events that make you feel like some pawn in a giant, terrible game? Or characters in a story?"
"Yes!"
"Oh, sure... All the time!" Popo smiled and looked down. "Hey, I can see our cave from here!" he waved as they passed, earning another thwack from Nana for his troubles.
This was the day of the century for the Yetis. Today, a new leader had arisen from the masses, and been declared King of Snow. The candidate climbed up the long ice stairs to the ancient podium, from which he would give his first speech.
He reached the top, adjusted his glasses, and began to speak. "My people! I thank you for your trust in me! As your King, I will restore the ancient rites that have fallen into decay. At the same time, I will lead you into the future! It is important that now you all listen to me, for my plan shall save us..."
They never found out what it was, because there was a rapid succession of splats. Popo pulled himself out of the hole. "And that was one of my better landings, eh, Smedley?"
Ness popped out of the hole, and sighed. "Right, Popo..." he said, deciding that there were some battles he wasn't going to win. "Saria?" he bent over and helped her up as Nana leapt up and looked around.
"Ich. There was a flattened fur-ball in there." Saria sighed and clung against Ness, not because she needed comfort, but simply because she liked the feeling.
Then all of our heroes suddenly became aware of a drastic drop in the already frigid temperature. The four of them spun around, and coughed. "Um. Hi?"
Around them, the Yetis had started to slam their braincells together and reach for their spears. Ness coughed. "Shall we run for our lives?"
"Oh yes, lets."
"Could be advisable..."
"What ho, Smedley!"
"Okay, everyone run." And so they did.
Oh, what adventures they had! What mighty feats they performed! If only we could tell you of them! Sadly, our space is unfortunately limited and so we must now skip forward a little...
Part 48: Enter the Falcon
Ness sighed as he climbed up the rock, and then reached up to take hold of another. Only to miss it entirely and fall flat on his face in the snow. He spat out the frost and looked around him. "We made it!"
Saria climbed up next to him and looked around, taking shallow breaths. She flipped back her green hair and then jumped forward, pinning him to the ground again and kissing him repeatedly. "We did it!"
Nana and Popo followed, cursing. Nana looked around, a confused smile on her face. "We did, but where's our ship? Popo!"
The blue ice-climber pulled up and shrugged. "Obviously this is the wrong mountain." he looked around. "What a ghastly place."
Nana stared at him in shock. "You mean...this mountain, the mountain we've been climbing for nearly three years, is the wrong mountain!"
"Yep."
"I am going to laugh long and hard when I finally kill you." she tackled him and wrapped her hands around his neck. "DIE DIE DIE!"
Ness put his hand on her arm and shook his head firmly. "Nana? As much as I would love to let you kill Popo, I'm afraid that we have bigger problems."
"Oh?"
Ness pointed behind her, to where Saria was already staring at a giant bird. He coughed. "The falcon?"
It was a massive bird, very impressive if you looked at it from a safe distance. Big and black and scary, it loomed large as it beat its wings slowly, allowing it to land. "Caw?"
"EEK!" Nana shrieked. "The Falcon! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"
Popo coughed. "Actually, it looks to be more a member of the corvid family if you look at it. It's certainly not a raptor. Maybe we should call it 'The Raven'." he chuckled drily. "I know a poem about Ravens, you know..."
Nana kept shrieking. "Who cares what it is! It's a giant scary bird and it's going to kill us!"
Ness ran to hug Saria. "Don't worry, I'll protect you!" he said, his voice shaking with fear.
She clung to him. "I want you to hear this before we die, Ness. I love you. I love you so much..." she kissed him.
"I...I love you too..."
The bird looked at them all and came to a decision. It lunged forward, and they could feel its breath as it reached down to peck them.
Then, all of a sudden, there was a splatting sound. And a starship was on top of its skull. The starship's door opened up and...
"Goddamn it Mario!" Captain Falcon said as he stepped off the ship and inspected the dead bird. "Stop landing on soft squishy things! I just got the paint fixed from that Twit fellow!"
"Falcon!" Ness shouted, disbelievingly. "Thank God!"
"Oh. Hello, Ness, Saria... Oh, and Popo and Nana too, I see. How are all of you?"
"Well, we're..."
"Glad to hear it. Come on, get on board, all four of you. The kettle's boiling and you're letting all the heat out."
"Yes, of course." Ness looked around at all of his companions and then back up at Falcon. It was obviously a Deus Ex Machina of some kind. But right now, he'd go with Keller himself if he thought there was a chance of a hot drink in his future. "Let's go."