Simon

I don't see Baz for the rest of the weekend.

If I had any doubts in the confirmation of my feelings for him, they're all gone now.

After not seeing him for 2 days and knowing that it's because of me, I know for sure that I really, really like Baz. (Not so much so that I think I love him, but I really like him.) (I considered the thought of loving him and it seems quite likely to me, but I don't think that I'm able to accept something so big in such a small matter of time.)

When I was looking over what he wr-drew. . . in my notebook, I guess I didn't hear the door opening or Baz standing there staring at me. And then, I just heard the door slam shut while I was looking over some words for my tombstone with Baz. I was quite far away from the door, but the sound was so loud that it felt like it had been slammed in my face.

And the loudness just led to me inferring that Baz was livid.

And I honestly don't blame him for that.

If I had been in his place, I would be mad too. Fucking indignant is what I would be.

But he didn't know the real reason I did that.

I looked at it from his point of view soon after the door shut and I admit that what I was doing was fucking hysterical. Honestly, who in Merlin's name does that kind of thing? I was acting like a freaking creep, just like in 5th Year.

But that was from his perspective. Not mine.

I'm not sure that what I did can still be forgiven, but I think that it can.

I mean, I had feelings for Agatha but they were never this strong. And I never had these moments with her where I just felt like she was so beautiful (actually, there were some, but they were all platonic) and I wanted to just snog the bloody hell out of her and also have her remain in my life as the most cherished person in my life.

I never wanted to brush away that one strand of hair that kept falling on her face. I never wanted to lose myself and swim in her eyes. (I never even thought her eyes were that pretty. At least, not as much as Baz's.) I never wanted to lie in her arms or have her lie in mine. I never wanted to protect her.

I never felt as hurt as I am right now when we were on breaks or when she was mad at me.

I was just. . . okay with it.

But right now, with Baz, this is different. I want to do all those things. And perilously.

These feelings are strong. And I'm not sure how to cope with them.

But I still feel like the world's smallest person. For doing that to Baz.

I don't know how long he felt this way, how long he wanted me (Dear Lord, that sounds so weird), and I can imagine that he desperately wanted to hide these feelings and I can't really blame him for being this mad at me.

I've done a terrible thing. Even I know it.

And why didn't I know about Baz? Am I that thick? How could I have not figured that out?

Penny was right. She said Baz might reciprocate my feelings and he does.

I'm not really sure how I feel about it, though. I mean, I love it. It's something that I could've imagined wanting for a despicably long time, but never having it.

But that's still something else.

To know that Baz has feelings for me is great, but it won't do me any good. (It might even make things worse between us.

But to know that Baz reciprocates my feelings and gives me consent to be his boyfriend, to show him how much I like him and how much I want to be his and him mine, is the real thing.

Baz having feelings is nothing that amazing. But Baz willing to work on this weird relationship we currently have and changing it to one that boyfriends have, that's what's really marvellous.

That's what's really matters.

And that's what I have to get him to agree to.

I've spent the whole weekend trying to find him, but he's just. . .vanished. I've looked through the Catacombs, the Weeping Tower, our room, the dining hall (he isn't there for meals), the football pitch, the Wavering Woods, and literally everywhere else. He's nowhere.

I told Penny about what happened and what I saw, and she wasn't really that surprised. Sure, she was because hello, Baz, the super hot, nonchalant football player, making these cute and dorky doodles about someone else? Wow. But then, she did think that it was kind of expected. She confirmed that I was just oblivious, that Baz's feelings for me and mine for him were quite obvious.

I just think she's way too smart for a mage.

We've been looking for Baz together - we even cornered his friends (or rather, minions), Dev and Niall, but they just told us to bugger off - but we haven't found him. I'm getting really worried. I need to explain to Baz why I was doing what I was doing before he gets any wrong assumptions. (Though he probably already has them by now.)

I really just need to explain myself to Baz.

I have an actual chance at being with the person I've liked since most likely 4th or 5th Year. I'm not letting myself screw this up.

I spent the whole weekend discovering every nook and cranny of Watford (well, not every one, but quite a lot) but I hadn't found him.

I spent my Sunday restlessly. I kept squirming in the bedsheets because it was too hot and then I remembered that Baz wasn't here to complain about the window so I opened it but later on, it got too cold and I had to close it again. It went on and on like this all night. I barely got a wink of sleep, and even that was filled with Baz-related thoughts and his whereabouts.

Today, Monday morning at breakfast, I don't see him in the dining hall. I ponder over where he was staying when he wasn't even coming back to the room to sleep. Maybe he's with Dev or Niall. But they have roommates too, Baz can't just barge in on them like they're a motel.

Is he not going to come to class today? Baz has never missed or ditched a class before. Education is just way too important for him for him to pull something like that. If Baz doesn't show up for classes (which is proving to be more and more possible by the passing minute), then there's definitely something wrong. And by that, I mean that he seriously loathes me.

And if he seriously loathes me, then he certainly won't hear out my confession.

I start fidgeting, thinking about what it would be like if I somehow managed to mess this up. If I ruined my chance with Baz. I would definitely hate myself.

And I've probably made Baz hurt a lot too.

He probably thinks that I'm gonna out him to everyone else or make fun of him for having feelings since it's his perspective of me reacting to anything that's embarrassing for him.

My eyes are starting to sting thinking about it.

Baz is probably hating his life just like I am hating mine right now because he thinks that I don't like him. Even if Baz has a calm demeanour, that doesn't mean that he wouldn't get hurt by thinking his (Oh my God, it feels so good to say it) crush has rejected him. If I were in Baz's situation, I definitely would feel hurt.

And how long has he had feelings for me? Is it for as long as I have? If it is, then I simply am the smallest person in the world. (Even if he didn't, though, I would still be the smallest person in the world for doing that to him.)

Penny sees my unshed tears and takes my hand in hers, squeezing tightly. "We'll find him, Simon. Don't worry." she says.

"Yeah, but would he even talk to me? He probably will hex me straight into tomorrow for invading his privacy. And it was one of the most private kind of privacies. How is he ever going to look at me, let alone listen to me?"

"Hey, just calm down. He might show up for class, you said yourself that he's never missed a class. He probably won't this time too. You just have to catch him at a good time when there are no distractions and just tell him that you have something really important to say," he shakes her head as I start to open my mouth to argue. "I know you think he won't talk to you, but anyone would listen to their crush. And he seems to really like you, depending on the sketches you mentioned. He'll listen, okay? Just stay calm."

I nod then, an finish my breakfast. I spend the whole breakfast like that, just sulking and Penny trying to cheer me up and it not working.

When the bell finally rings, I jump out of my seat to go to my first class. Baz and I have the first class together, and this will tell me whether he's coming back for Monday.

I almost leave Penny behind, but she runs too and catches up to my fast pace. I stand in front of the door of the room, taking in the fact that Baz could be sitting in there right now and that I could talk to him.

What is it doesn't go well? What if I make a fool out of myself? What if he rejects me for some reason? I keep thinking about the worst ways this could go, and those are the top 3. Penny finally nudges me again and I stumble into the room and look around, scanning the appearance of everyone in the crowd.

And there he is.

Baz.

Baz

I wasn't planning on coming to class on Monday, but then I realised that I can't just miss classes to avoid Snow. Education is too serious for me to do something like that and it was just ridiculous. How much longer was I going to hide from Snow? He was going to find me anyway.

I slept in this alcove in the Catacombs that wasn't really visible to someone who wasn't in it the past few nights. I had Dev and Niall bring me some food so I don't starve, and I worked off of those rats.

They were both certainly interested as to why I was sleeping there, but I told them that it was just important. That I had to do it for some kind of project for extra-credit. They told me about how Snow and Bunce cornered them multiple times and demanded that they tell them where I was. They said that Snow said he wanted to talk to me.

I'm not talking to him. I have nothing to say to him. Following me around in 5th Year was bad, but this is a whole other fucking kind of violating someone's privacy. I seriously can't believe he did something like that. I thought he was a heroic person, not a git who goes through other people's private matters.

He's probably asking for me so that he can reject me in person. And he probably wants to 'let me down easy'. He probably pities me so fucking much and that would be perfect way for him to do things: tell your arch-nemesis that you're supposed to kill, whom has deep feelings for you, that you're rejecting them, but do it nicely. Don't seem smug about it and make fun of them. Be the bigger person.

Honestly, that would be more humiliating than him just flat-out rejecting me, without caring about being too harsh or realistic.

I don't want that. I don't want his pity.

(I still want him, though. And that's what I hate the most about this situation. He did an abysmal thing. Even if it was his enemy, he violated someone's privacy. He went out of his goddamn way go make sure he knew what I was writing in that notebook in class. I hate that he did that. It was despicable. But I still love him. I'm still in love with him, nothing changed that. And it hurts. So much. I wish I could just wake up someday and not feel anything for Snow. Not even hatred. I would've actually enjoyed life. It would be better.)

He came looking for me several times in the Catacombs, but I always hid far back in my tiny little alcove and cast an invisible spell on myself. (We haven't learned those spells yet, so Snow wouldn't think about them.

I didn't want to go to classes on Monday, but I knew I had to.

I couldn't just miss out on classes. That was just plain stupidity.

So I gathered up my courage and when it was breakfast, I sneaked into the room and got ready for classes.

It took precisely 25 minutes to get ready, since I only washed my hair in the shower.

I sneaked back downstairs, careful to avoid the pathways connected to the dining hall or anywhere Snow might be. (He would only be at breakfast at this time, though. He would never miss an opportunity to eat food.

I was the first person to be in the my first class of the day, which just happened to include Snow and Bunce. I was terribly regretting my choice right about then to come to classes. Staying in that dark, decaying alcove would've been better.

As I waited, I took slow and deep breaths to try to calm myself down. I was gonna see Snow. I was gonna see his reaction. It was gonna be of pity. Such pity.

My heart was pounding. The great Basilton Pitch, blubbering and blushing before and feelings butterflies in his tummy due to some stupid beautiful boy whose rejection he could not take. Merlin and Morgana, what have I become?

I braced myself as I heard the bell ring, indicating that breakfast was over. I tried to calm myself down by breathing deep again as students start to pile in the classroom. I was half expecting them to laugh or snicker at me, but they didn't. There was a tiny part of me that really believed that Snow had told everyone and now I was ruined. But, turns out he didn't.

I kept my eyes on the door, searching for Snow (and Bunce, but just a little bit for her).

And finally, he came.

And now, I am here. Sitting on my desk, looking straight at Snow (and Bunce behind him) and feeling myself blush awkwardly. I abruptly look away from them, turning my attention to the window, suddenly very interested in the football pitch and the light breeze and cool weather outside. I refuse to look at Snow, even when he plops down right onto the seat beside me. I don't even acknowledge him, don't even pay attention to his awkward positioning of the chair to get comfortable, and the weird looks people are giving us since we switched seats for the first time this year in Watford.

I wait impatiently for the teacher to arrive and start the lesson, and when he does, I almost sigh in relief.

I spend the rest of the lecture ignoring Snow and focusing mainly on whatever the teacher's saying. And this time, when the teacher asks me a question, I actually respond with the correct answer in my casual demeanour.

Snow tries repeatedly to get my attention. To get anything from me. For instance, tapping his pen on his desk (which is something that he knows annoys me), dropping his notebook on the floor (which also annoys me) and sighing too loudly (and another thing that annoys me).

Just as the bell rings, I grab my bag and spring from my seat and am out the door before he even calls out to me, just stands there, watching me run away from him cowardly. I want to face him, but I don't have the guts. It already aches to know that I'm outed, I don't want Snow's pity rejection to make me feel even worse.

• • • • •

I skip lunch and just head down to the Catacombs to take a break from all the escaping Snow.

I've been dodging him and his questions and his insinuations that he wants to talk to me all day. I'm not sure if I can keep up with this forever, or at least until he forgets about it. (And something tells me that he won't ever forget about this.) I rest a little in the Catacombs, catching my breath.

Snow kept on sitting beside in all the classes we had together and people kept giving us weird looks. Even a few teachers raised a brow at us before continuing with their lecture. It was so troubling having to jump out of my seat and run across the room whenever the bell was sounded and I'm pretty sure I looked really weird and creepy to other people while doing that.

After the lunch-is-over bell sounded, I stand up and and run (once again) to my next class, which is with just Snow, not Bunce.

(Bunce isn't really helping him out with the cornering me thing, but I'm 100% sure that he told her. He can't keep anything from her. Maybe she decided to take mercy on me and thought it was fair that I only and to deal with one person. For now.)

This particular class is different than the others. It is Magic Words and me and Snow are already assigned seats together, so he doesn't need to switch seats with someone. And throughout the first half of the lecture, he doesn't fidget. He doesn't let out innuendos that he wants to talk to me. He doesn't do all those things that annoy me. At first, I'm suspicious. I think that he's going to pull something because Simon Snow does not give up that easily. (Or maybe he does when it comes to blood-sucking vampire roommates who have feelings for him.) I can't relax and properly comprehend the words Miss Possibelf is saying. And I'm tensed.

But as the period carries on, I start to relax. It's obviously good that Snow isn't doing those things. And I calm down.

Halfway along the period, he drops something, probably a pen. As he leans down to pick it up, I feel a slight tug on my bag whose straps I'm clutching in my hands. I ignore it.

But then it happens once again.

I ignore it then too.

When it happens for the third time, I tug a little on the straps. Big mistake.

He tugs more. And I tug back. Pretty soon, it's like we're playing Tug Of War.

We're both grabbing the bag and pulling on it desperately. And we're both above the desks now, so we're visible to everyone else.

Obviously, Miss Possibelf catches us.

"Mr. Snow and Mr. Pitch. Detention. I would really appreciate it if you don't have fist-fights in my class, or rather, any other class. Come back in this classroom after all classes for today are done."

I grit my teeth and snatch my bag from him, giving him a glare without meeting his eyes. The bastard is grinning widely. This was most certainly his plan.

I'm going to have to spend detention with him. A whole hour. In the same classroom. Probably alone. (Sometimes the teachers just leave students there with charms cast on the door while they go do whatever they want.)

I don't relax after that. I stay alert for the rest of the lecture though it seems pointless since he already got what he wanted.

I'm not gonna make conversation with him in detention. I won't talk to him. I'll just ignore him like I am doing now.

Once again, as the bell rings, I dash away. But this time, he doesn't call after me.

Simon

I succeed in getting us both detention and I lay off him after that. I'll just talk to him in detention.

He seemed visibly pissed that I got us both detention, now that I think about it. And he knew that I was going to try talk to him so he ignored me even more and stayed tense for the rest of the lecture.

I feel bad about it but I needed something to ensure that I'll have a chance to be alone with him so I can try to talk to him.

I don't try to call after him or follow him after this lecture. I just let him go. I'll have my time with him in detention. (Unless he somehow manages to escape detention. I honestly won't be surprised if he does that.)

The rest of the lectures pass easily.

Bas tenses up when I sit beside him. (I don't really have to sit beside him now that I have a chance to talk to him, but I want to.) He stays tense the whole lecture. I don't fiddle like I normally do (well, just a bit). We remain civilised and don't fight or talk at all.

At last, the day ends and detention comes near.

After the last bell rings, Baz jolts up from his seat like he did the whole day (Honestly, isn't he getting tired of running around?), and dashes out of the room to the Magic Words classroom.

I trail behind him, trudging and trying to think of what I would say. Why didn't I think of that before? I hate that I do some things as an impulse which shouldn't be impulses.

I'll have to tell him how I feel. But when do I say that? How do I start the conversation? How do I reveal what I really think about him? Should I just blurt out that I like him? That seems wrong. If I need some time to adjust to my feelings for Baz, then he deserves to be informed of said feelings easily. He probably spent a lot of time thinking we couldn't be together, this would certainly shock him a lot. He doesn't deserve for me to just blurt it out.

I take a shaky breath as I enter the room and see Baz sitting in the far right corner in the back, and Miss Possibelf sitting on her desk, arranging some papers.

I knock on the door.

"Ahh, yes, Mr. Snow. You've arrived. Please sit down. You'll be here for about an hour. Please feel free to do anything while sitting in your seat and not causing any trouble that will land you in more detention with Mr. Pitch."

I nod and take a seat in the back, near to Baz but mot quite sitting next to him. I'm two seats away from him on his right. He's reading a book, some. . . gay romance? Yeah, that seems right. The title says Carry On by Rainbow Rowell.

I've heard of that book. It's about two boys who are wizards and secretly have feelings for each other, but they can't ever be together. Because of politicks.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say that those 2 boys were like me and Baz.

It looks like a good book, although I can't really believe that Baz reads romance. I shouldn't really be surprised, though. A lot of those doodles and sketches and pieces of writings were quite cliche and also cute.

Also, Rainbow? That's a weird name. Sigh, Normals.

I look up over to Baz and he's got his right pinkie in between his teeth. That means it's a good book. (Whenever Baz likes a book, he chews on his pinkie. He doesn't do it outside of our room though.)

He looks cute like this. His eyes are wide with anticipation and he's blinking really fast (although, I don't know why he's doing that). He's clutching the book really close to his face, as if it'll run away from him if he doesn't hold it tight enough. His eyebrows are drawn together, furrowed. (That means it's at a good part.) (Merlin, why had I not noticed my feelings for Baz?)

He so concentrated that he almost doesn't notice me staring.

He shifts a bit and catches my lovesick staring (but I don't think he knows that it's lovesick), meets my eyes and immediately drops his gaze while a pretty shade of pink starts dusting his pale cheeks.

I smile a little and turn back, thinking about how I could get to talk to him.

I figured that Miss Possibelf would be leaving us alone. A lot of the teachers do that, and quite frequently. But Miss Possibelf is just sitting on her desk and grading papers.

Fuck.

I guess I have to wait. I can't just start talking to Baz while she is here. We need privacy.

• • • • •

I'm freaking out right about now. We only have roughly 10 minutes left and I still haven't talked to Baz. He has a triumphant look on his face now, as if he figured out my plan to try and talk to him and now he knows that we're running out detention time and I haven't been able to get a moment of privacy so I can't talk.

I'm silently praying Miss Possibelf leaves us. Goes anywhere. Just anywhere. Even the bathroom, that'll have to do. But she isn't. And I'm panicking. I'm pretty sure my magic is leaking and that Baz and Miss Possibelf can smell it. (I was controlling it so well earlier, better than I ever had. I hope that I'll be able to do that again.

Finally, as if Merlin has finally listened to my desperate pleas, she leaves 5 minutes before the time ends.

"Alright boys, I'm going to hand these papers over to Mr. Tribbiani, and I suspect that your detention will be over before I return. So please, remain seated and when the time is over, leave the classroom because I probably will return late. Maybe." she says as she grabs the stack of papers and her handbag and leaves.

As soon as she shuts the door, my mind goes haywire. What do I do now? I have to talk to Baz. But how? How do I start the conversation again?

I decide to just stop thinking and actually start talking.

I look over at him.

"Uhh, Baz?"

He pretends to be too engrossed in his book to notice me.

"Baz." I say, a little louder.

To my surprise, he answers.

"What, Snow?" His eyes never leave the book and he says this in a disinterested tone, but I can make out the hint of nervousness in it.

"I. . . I think we need to talk."

"About what?" Once again, eyes never stray; bored tone with a hint of nervousness.

"You know what, you git." Suddenly, I'm getting a deja vu. This conversation is all too familiar.

"I really don't, Snow."

"About-about the notebook.

He visibly tenses, shoulders stiffening, jaw clenching. It's hot.

"What is there to talk about? You already know what you so desperately wanted to know. What you searched up special spells for and actually controlled your fucking magic to find out." He spits out. He radiates bitterness off of him, and it's obvious he's still pissed at me. I gulp.

"Baz, I know I did a terrible thing. I shouldn't have-"

"'Shouldn't have'. Yes, that's correct. Why didn't you tell yourself that before you went nosing in my business?" He cuts in.

A part of me wants for him to just let me explain. Another part is really surprised that he's still talking to me.

"I was acting on impulse decisions and that was wrong of me. I was really desperate to find out what you written because-" I start once again, speaking fast, but he cuts me off again.

"Why, Snow? Because you thought I was plotting? Is that it? Couldn't you ever open your mind just this much to realise that maybe I had a life too. That I wasn't always plotting about your death?" He snaps, finally closing shut his book and looking at me with anger in his eyes. His last sentence makes me flinch, and he backs off a bit at that. I guess he feels bad.

"I-I. . . no." I answer quietly. "But, Baz, I have a reason why I was acting so impulsively. I was too scared-"

Once again, I get cut off. But this time, it's the little alarm clock that's on Miss Possibelf's desk, indicating that detention is over.

Baz starts to get up. No.

He grabs his bag and his book and starts stomping away.

And I act on an impulse decision.

"I like you too!" I shout.

He stills and doesn't look back at me but also doesn't continue walking.

"Baz, I. . . I was saying that I was so concentrated on finding out what you were writing in that notebook because before, in the classroom, when Miss Possibelf called on you to answer the question and while you were getting flustered, you looked at me. And not like glares. Like actually looking at me. And I. . . liked it. I liked it when you looked at me like that. It made you look all soft and human. And I felt something for you. Something I recognised from when I felt it when I was crushing on Agatha. It-I liked you. Like that. I realised that in the classroom. And I was freaked out about it because I never noticed these feelings and they were so strong. It was so sudden. And I just realised that you could easily use this to your advantage. You could easily destroy me. So I had to know that - this is gonna sound ridiculous but didn't seem like that at the moment - you weren't making a plan to accidentally make me have feelings for you and then break my heart or something."

Baz laughs a little at that. Just a small chuckle, but I feel a whole lot lighter and I start to move closer to him while talking. He still hasn't turned around.

It never occurred to me that I was violating your privacy and crossing the line. I was just too scared. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. When I first saw what was in there, I was shocked. But then, I was happy. I was happy because we both feel the same way and can try to make it work. The politicks don't matter. And I was so angry at myself for not realising that this would obviously upset you or anyone else snd how wrong it was. I'm so, so sorry, Baz. Just don't be mad at me forever because of this."

I put my hand on his shoulder and turn him around. He's looking at the ground.

"Baz, look at me."

I put my finger under his chin and pull it up. He doesn't protest, just silently whispers, "Is this a prank, Snow? Is this your cruel idea of a joke?

"No, Baz. It isn't. I would never do something like that."

My voice breaks a little because I don't want Baz to think that I would lie about something this serious to him, and his eyes widen at that.

"Simon," he sighs, and this time, my eyes widen. "I don't—I don't know what to say. I'm not sure I believe you." he says in a tiny voice.

He doesn't believe me? I would never lie about something like this. I'm not a terrible person. But. . . I can see why Baz would think I was joking.

Of course, he would think that I was joking. He's had feelings for someone for (I'm guessing) a long time. Someone who everyone indirectly says that he can't have. Someone who he's been mean to for years and then suddenly when that person finds out, he corners Baz and tells him that he likes him too.

Goodness gracious, why didn't I think of that?

I rack my brain for ways to tell him that I mean this. That I'm not playing some sick prank on him for fun.

And I find one.

"Baz?" I croak out.

He looks at me and my breath hitches.

The coral sunlight of the dipping Sun in the sky is scattered on his face. It makes his pale face glow beautifully. His eyebrows are furrowed once again, but this time in bemusement. His eyes are twinkling and I can see my reflection in them, crystal clear. His eyelashes are perfectly long, curved at the end, and I see a bit of eyeliner. He pulls it off, the handsome prick. His nose is long and slender and perfect too. And his lips. His lips look plump and soft and they look like they're just waiting for me.

So I do it.

I start to lean in a bit and Baz realises what I'm doing, and he sucks in a breath. He stays where he is.

I lean more slowly, giving him time to pull away if he wants to. But he doesn't. And I'm so glad.

As I close the final distance between us, he closes his eyes softly, before I do, and it's another thing that I love about him.

He does it slowly and gently, without applying pressure on his eyes. His eyes lashes flutter as he does it and I can see a little bit of the whites of his eyes as he closes them. Most people (Agatha) just shut them straight and clench. Baz doesn't do that.

It's such a small feature about him. And I love it. It's perfect.

My lips are moving against his tenderly. There's no rush. Nothing that makes us both speed up. Just deep admiration for each other.

The kiss is fuelled by our many different emotions finally erupting out in the open. I can feel Baz's affection for me in the way he lightly swipes his tongue on my bottom lip, asking for entrance. I grant him it. And I am sure he can feel my yearning for him through the way I'm letting my left hand go through his curtain of black hair and my right hand on his back, pressing him against me. I want him to know how much I like him, to know that I actually feel too strongly for him for this to be anything else other than love but am too scared to say it out loud, because this is all so new.

And when we break apart years later; when I rest my forehead against his forehead and we both breathe heavily, trying to catch our breath; when he lets out a soft laugh and smiles a tiny smile just barely conspicuous on his face, I know he knows.

I want to kiss him again. And I try to, but he doesn't let me.

"Wait, Simon," he starts, "I really, really want this. So badly. No less than how much you want it. But we can't."

I frown and drop my hand from his back.

"What?"

"We can't. Simon, you're. . . you have important things to do, like save the world. And no one would ever approve of this."

"And it's not just that," he adds when he sees that I'm about to protest. "Simon, I'm a monster. A. . . vampire. You don't wanna be with someone like me. It's too dangerous for you. And—and we're different. We hardly have the same opinion on things. We're fight all the time. Who's to say that this will actually work out?" he says, weakly.

"Baz, you're not a monster—

"Yes, I am, Snow."

"Let me finish. You're not a monster. You've lived with me and slept in the same room as me for 7 years, Baz, and you never once tried to drain me. And it must've been so hard for you. But you never did it. You always kept yourself back. You're so brave, Baz."

He scoffs. "Me, brave? I think you're mistaken, Snow."

"'Simon'," I say, correcting him. "And yes, Baz, you are. You fight off your needs everyday and you still act like a git and a perfect human to everyone. And you've done this for years. And Baz, even if we're different from each other. We still need to try. There's still a chance that it could work out if we just try.

"Why, Simon? Why should we try?"

"Because. . . ," and I'm stumped.

It's the same question I asked myself the night I performed the spell, but I couldn't think of anything. Anything that might give a logical reason as to why we should try.

I'm racking my brain for one now, because I want to tell Baz that we should try. But why? He's right. Why should we try?

I've spent my whole life trying to figure out the meaning of the word 'love'. I never had any real family to love, to get loved. Even when I came to Watford and made Penny as a best friend, I still don't know the real meaning of love. And it scares me. It scares me that I don't know it and that I want to know it. And it also scares me that someday, someone might break me so much that I will forget the meaning of love again. I've lost so many people in my life, people that have never even been in my life, so it scares me so much. It scared me when I was with Agatha, terrified me.

But even if this happens, I want to learn the meaning of love. With Baz.

Because. . . I deserve it.

"Because we deserve it, Baz," he looks taken aback by my sudden epiphany. "We both deserve it, Baz. I've spent my whole life in boys' homes and I never understood what loving someone felt like. Or having someone love you just as much as you love them. And I always felt scared of love, that I don't know what it means and if I do, then what if I break and forget it again. Who will remind me what it means? But now, I want to learn the meaning of love with you, Baz. I had such a shitty childhood and now I'm burdened with saving the world, it's like the universe has finally given me an opportunity. An opportunity to be happy. To actually live life wanting to. Not feeling obligated to. And I want to take it. And I know you feel the same way, Baz. This is an opportunity for you too. This is a chance for you to be truly happy and not fake it." I say with desperation in my voice.

Baz shakes his head at me.

"How, Simon? You don't even know me well enough to—" he gulps and I watch his Adam's apple bob up and down "—fall in love with me."

"Then let me know you," I say, looking into his pools of grey. "Let me know you well enough to fall in love with you."

His face neither hardens nor softens, and after a moment, he smashes his face into mine, kissing (rather snogging, actually) me with that desperation that was lacking in our first kiss.

He pushes and I push back. He nibbles at my bottom lip and I sigh into his mouth. It's all a huge mess of tongue, desperation and rawness. It feels like standing there naked, all our deepest desires and secrets and scars exposed, letting ourselves be defenceless and vulnerable to each other, willingly.

Finally, he breaks apart and says, "Okay."

Baz

We stay there snogging for what feels like hours and only seconds and the same time.

I'm sitting on a desk and Sn-Simon's slotted between my legs. My arms are around his neck and his are around my waist, gripping me possessively. We barely break apart an inch to catch our breaths before continuing.

I guess we're boyfriends now. Wow.

I don't really know what to say.

I don't really want to say anything.

I just want to cherish this. What we have right now.

Simon was right. We do have a chance now. To live happily.

I have chance to be with the boy I've been in love with since 1st Year. Wow.

I'm willing to try. Try to make ourselves compatible to each other.

We are quite different and it's hard to maintain a relationship that way. A lot of people have broken up this way. Majority of them. I stand by this point.

But what's different is that I'm willing to try and keep trying. For him. Simon Snow. My Simon Snow.

And he is too. I can tell.

I want to be with him. It will be hard. It won't be all sunshines and rainbows. There will be dark times, with the politicks and our personal relationship. But we'll fight against it. In those other relationships, it all went down to whether the couple loved each other enough to keep fighting against the world, and a lot of them gave up. It will be the same choice in this relationship. We both have the choice. To leave or stay and keep fighting together.

I choose fighting together.

And I have a feeling that Simon does as well.