A.N. After writing Daddy Shark, I fully intended to leave it there and not tempt myself to get into how Rory and Jess got from AYITL to engaged in the present day... but then I went on vacation and spent hours and hours in the car with nothing to do, and... This happened. My very first foray into serious multi-chapter fiction. This is also my attempt to deal with Rory's comment to Dean in the Revival, that she "wished she'd met him when she was older and more mature," and that's how she intended to write about him. And I thought, "Jess is going to read this. Oh my word." This story hinges on my conviction that Rory, despite her formidable intelligence, has the emotional intelligence of a pile of rocks. (I had a friend like this once. Brilliant scientist. Sooo bad at reading people's signals.)

Despite her flaws, I love Rory, and like Jess, I continue to believe that she can find her best self again. This is a story of how she gets back there and, in the process, finds herself rethinking everything she thought she knew about Jess.

Oh, and I'm weird about swearing, so sorry if that's awkward. I don't swear myself, but I'm writing characters who do, so... You can fill in the blanks yourself, if you choose. ;-)

There was a brief moment when Jess first opened the door where he just stared at her, blinking, but after that it seemed like he wasn't even surprised to see Rory at his apartment in Philadelphia. His head dropped forward with a quiet huff of laughter, and then he suddenly stepped aside with a "Well, come on in, Gilmore," as if he'd been expecting her.

She couldn't help noticing that he wasn't looking at her, and it only contributed to the growing anxiety that had been gnawing at her gut since he'd stopped answering her calls. In contrast to the four previous years where they'd each been busy leading their own separate lives, in the months since Luke and Lorelai's wedding they'd been in almost constant contact. He had been the one to spark the idea of her book in the first place, and she had continued to seek his feedback and encouragement with the project, trading texts and emails, and pulling him aside to seek his opinion over Thanksgiving and Christmas. No one seemed to understand what she was trying to say better than Jess did, and his professional expertise and contacts in the business were invaluable. But after she'd sent him her latest chapter, he'd suddenly gone silent. Texts and emails went unanswered, every phone call went straight to voicemail. She would anxiously snatch up her phone every time it dinged, and then her heart would sink with disappointment because it was never him. Waiting for Jess to call; what an infuriatingly familiar situation. This time, however, any anger she might have felt was drowned out by the nagging dread that this time it was all her fault. She just KNEW it had something to do with what she'd written. She'd finally started working through her teen years, with Dean and then her and Jess' disastrous attempt at a relationship, and all her regrets surrounding her impulsive behavior and immature confusion. She had thought enough time had passed to heal old wounds, had thought maybe he'd even laugh at their stupidity, but instead she appeared to have upset him to the point where he was avoiding talking to her.

"Have a seat. You hungry? I don't know what you're eating these days, but you're eating for four and you just drove, what, four hours from Stars Hollow? Luke would murder me if you passed out on my watch, so what'll it be? My roommate's got frozen samosas in here... You want?"

Rory wrinkled her nose. "Ugh. I wish. But the smell of Indian makes me feel nauseous now."

Jess was obviously struggling to keep a straight face. Rory glared at him. "Shut up! It's not funny, it sucks!"

Jess tipped his head, conceding the point. "Ok, so… Totino's?"

Rory sighed in relief. "Perfect. Thank you." She dropped her bag onto Jess' coffee table and collapsed onto the couch. She was exhausted and her hips were all out of joint. Ahh, the joys of pregnancy. Because that was the other thing. She had to finish this book before she ran out of time, and part of her also hoped that, maybe, if she could just comb back through her history, she might be able to figure out what was wrong with her and be slightly less of a trainwreck for this little person she was suddenly responsible for.

She caressed her growing belly absently, and then was suddenly jolted out of her thoughts by Jess setting a glass of water down on the table in front of her. "Drink," he ordered.

"Ok, Luke," she teased him, but she took a sip anyway. She was thirsty all the time.

"So," Rory began tentatively, nervously tucking her hair behind her ear. "I haven't heard from you in a while."

Jess' back was still to her, keeping busy with the food. "Yeah. Things have been crazy busy here this month."

"Jess."

She watched his shoulders rise and fall in a heavy sigh, his head bowing defeatedly.

"I'm sorry. I guess I needed some time to process everything. I didn't know what to say."

Rory felt her eyes welling up as her heart sank. Dang it! She cried over the stupidest things now! "So," she warbled, "you have been avoiding me."

Jess swore under his breath.

"Rory. Please don't cry. I just needed some time. Hang on a minute, ok?" There was more bustling in the kitchen, the beep of the microwave, and then a mug of hot cocoa was set gently next to the glass of water, and there was a candy cane hooked over the edge. He remembered. Another tragic loss of her pregnancy was that the taste and smell of coffee made Rory sick to her stomach (She'd cried for hours), so she'd taken to drinking hot chocolate instead. At Christmas, she'd become absolutely addicted to the taste of peppermint with it, and apparently, Jess had noticed. Her tenuous grip on her emotions snapped, and she dissolved into messy tears.

Jess swore again, repeatedly this time, like he'd been trying to defuse a bomb and just realized he'd clipped the wrong wire. "Ah jeez. I'm no good at this, Rory. What'd I do? Are you not doing the peppermint thing anymore? I can take it out! Hell, I'll just throw this out and make you a new one…"

"No!" she squeaked. "No, it's fine! It's more than fine! It's just… you apparently hate me and yet, here you are, remembering all my weird cravings…"

"I don't hate you, Rory," Jess sighed.

"You don't?" she sniffed dubiously. "So you've just been avoiding me because… you enjoy my company so much?"

Jess rolled his eyes. "I…" he was interrupted by a long beep from the kitchen. "Saved by the bell," he muttered under his breath. "Be right back, just…" he jerked his thumb over his shoulder, "the pizza rolls." He escaped to the kitchen once again, and Rory took her chance to blow her nose loudly. Ugh. Her head ached. She picked up the mug of hot chocolate and stirred it morosely with the candy cane.

"Do you mind if I have a drink?" Jess asked as he returned with the pizza rolls. "If we're really doing this, I think I'm going to need alcohol to get through this conversation."

Rory smiled ruefully. "Is this about to become an episode of 'Drunk History?'" she quipped drily.

Jess gave a short bark of laughter. "I hope not. But we'll see. So…?"

She nodded. "Have at it. I wish I could join you."

He soon returned with a bottle of whiskey and a tumbler in one hand and a box of "Thin Mint" cookies in the other, which he gave to Rory. "Doula was in Girl Scouts this year," he explained. "Figured it'd be a semi-decent substitute for the booze."

Rory smiled. "Thanks," she said softly.

Jess sat heavily in the armchair across from Rory and played with his glass moodily. They were silent for a moment. "So," he sighed, "I guess we're really doing this, huh?"

Rory gazed at the man across from her, the dark hair falling over his furrowed brow as he looked down at his shoes. Resignation and melancholy was written all over his face and it made her heart ache. "Please, just talk to me, Jess. I know I upset you and I need to know why."

He sighed once again. "Ok, so, before I say anything else, I need to emphasize a few things. Number one: I'm not… Verbal communication is still not my strong suit, ok? This is hard for me to say and I'm gonna need you to be patient with me, alright?"

She nodded solemnly.

"Ok. Number Two: I need you to understand that at no point in this am I blaming you for feeling the way you do or expecting you to feel any differently, ok? I was a crappy boyfriend. I get that. The fact that you're even willing to be friends with me at all after all the crap I put you through is more than I deserve."

"Jess," she reproached him sadly.

"No, I know that and I respect it, ok? This is my own s- I have to work through, and I've just gotta deal with the fact that this is the bed I made for myself and I gotta lie in it." He poured himself a finger of whiskey and took the time to swallow some down before he continued. "So. You with me on all that so far?"

Rory nodded. "Yeah. I understand, Jess."

He nodded back. "Ok. Good. So. All that being said, I guess…" he took a deep breath, "I really loved you, Rory. I know I was an ass and I was absolute crap at showing it, but… I had absolutely no clue what the hell I was doing. I didn't even know what a healthy relationship was supposed to look like; God knows I'd never seen one… And I suppose I was too scared to… well, I kept trying to protect myself, because I had never felt so powerless in my life and that was f-ing terrifying. But anyway, all I really wanted to say is, I had never loved anyone before I loved you. In my life, you've always been one of the most important… like, I wouldn't be who I am if I hadn't loved you, and you've always been that One Girl that every other girl gets compared to, and… and then I get your chapter and find that, to you, after everything, I'm just this mistake you wish you hadn't made. Not even 'despite the way it ended, you were grateful for the good moments we had,' but straight-up time machine, 'what was I thinking? If only I'd stayed with Dean instead of hooking up with this loser' regret. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you and I repeat that you have every right to feel this way, but… It was hard for me to find out that, as important as you've been to me, our relationship hasn't been important to you at all."

Rory was stricken.

"Jess!" she whispered in horror. "Oh no, that's not what I… Jess you have to know how much I care about you. I mean, don't you?"

He shrugged. His expressive brown eyes looked troubled and glassy. Rory felt her eyes tearing up again.

"Jess, no way do I wish I had never known you! I mean, without you, I wouldn't have gone back to Yale or made up with my mom- or at least not as soon as I did! And you've been such a loyal and encouraging friend over the years, and I always feel like I can talk to you about anything. Hell, this entire book wouldn't even exist without you! I think you're a great guy." She was leaning forward earnestly, trying to make him understand.

Jess regarded her quizzically, arms folded across his broad chest and one dark eyebrow raised. "Huh. Ok…" he trailed off, seeming confused.

"All I meant was that I think we would have been better off just as friends! Don't you think that would have been better? We're good at being friends, Jess! Some people just aren't compatible romantically."

Jess snorted. "Our relationship didn't fail because we weren't compatible, Rory. It failed because I was an idiot. That, and we didn't trust each other."

Rory blinked. "You didn't trust me?"

"No," Jess scoffed incredulously. "Now, granted, I didn't really trust anyone at that stage of my life, but the one time I decided to lay my heart on the line and take a risk for you, and come crawling back to a town I hated and beg Luke to take me back, all for the slimmest possible chance that you might want to be with me, you responded by abandoning me for the rest of the summer without even telling me you were leaving."

Rory flushed with shame. "I'm so sorry, Jess. That was really cowardly of me. I didn't realize I'd hurt you so much."

Jess shrugged. "Hey, I'm no better. We both have a history of conflict avoidance, huh?" he smirked gently.

"Guess so," she whispered.

"I assumed you had made your choice, and it wasn't me," he shrugged again. "And when you continued to think more highly of him than me even after we were dating, part of me wondered if you really wanted to be with me at all. And well, considering your most recent thoughts on the matter," he chuckled bitterly, "it looks like I was right."

"Wow," Rory choked out, her voice growing wobbly again, "no wonder you left me."

Jess stared at her with concern and moved to sit next to her on the couch, taking her hand gently in his. "No," he said firmly. "I left because I was a coward and I loved you and I thought you'd be better off without me."

Rory sniffed. "I wasn't," she said hollowly.

"I'm sorry," Jess murmured. His eyes were full of regret.

"I know," she assured him, patting his hand consolingly. "But wow, you've really thought about this over the years, haven't you?"

He looked confused. "Well, yeah… I told you, you were 'the one that got away' for me. The girl I regretted losing more than anyone else. So, yes, I thought about it a lot."

"That can't be true," Rory protested, looking at him hard. "It's been more than a decade, and you've never met someone you regretted losing more than me? Come on! There must be dozens of beautiful, interesting, and intelligent women you've met over the years in your line of work."

Jess pulled his hand away from hers and shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah. I know." He reached for his drink again and tossed it back. His eyes were troubled. Rory didn't know what to say. She had no idea his feelings for her had run so deeply or lasted so long.

"I'm… I'm sorry, Jess."

"It's ok," he shrugged.

"So… that time when you told me you loved me… you really meant it."

He winced. "I suppose I can't blame you for doubting me, seeing as I drove off right after I said it… G-!" he groaned, throwing his head back against the couch cushions, "Why was I so stupid back then?!"

Rory laughed, "I know the feeling, believe me."

"But yes," Jess continued softly, "yes, I meant it. It was the first time I ever said it to anyone."

Rory felt warm all over… and sad. "Wow," she said. "I guess part of me kind of assumed you were just being impulsive… like maybe you felt it in that moment, but it wasn't a lasting… thing."

Jess chuckled humourlessly. "Saying it at that moment might have been impulsive, I guess, but I'd been thinking it in some form or another since the first night I met you."

Rory blushed bright red. "You were not! Jess!"

He winced again and hid his face in his hands. "I know. It's humiliating and ridiculous, but… nevertheless it's actually true. Why are you so shocked? I told you that before."

"What? When?"

"Ah, you know what? Nevermind."

"Wait. That was the night you came barging into my dorm to ask me to run away with you!"

"Fine. Yes. Yes, it was."

"You meant all that stuff too?!"

"Yeah, why? Did you think I was just a raving lunatic or something?" he smirked self-deprecatingly.

She smiled at him fondly. "Well, honestly? Kind of."

"Again… can't really blame you. But yes. I meant all that stuff too."

Rory was completely stunned. "So, what are you saying? You've just been pining after me like Jay Gatsby all this time?"

"Well, not lately," Jess insisted defensively.

Rory suddenly had a horrible thought and her stomach churned. "Jess… did you feel that way when you came to show me your first book?"

"Was I still in love with you then? Yes."

"Oh," Rory breathed. She didn't like to think about her visit to Truncheon's open house very often, but memories came flooding back now, details suddenly illuminated by her newly gained insight. The way his eyes lit up hopefully when he saw her, the nervous and endearingly shy way he kept smiling at her… the yearning in the way he drank her in when he kissed her… the way his eyes were too glossy and his voice too rough after she told him she was in love with Logan… She felt sick. He'd been in love with her. She had known he was still attracted to her (after all, he'd kissed her and she wasn't that dense), but she'd long rationalized their relationship down to a blend of misdirected friendship and teenage lust, and now to find out that to Jess, the entire time she'd been his Daisy. She knew he had been hurt and disappointed, had felt guilty about it for years, but this?

Rory shakily raised the hot chocolate to her lips and took large gulps in an attempt to calm her roiling stomach.

Jess was gazing at her intently, looking worried. "Rory, I'm sorry if I've upset you, telling you all this," he said quietly.

She put her hand on his arm reassuringly, but she couldn't look him in the eye. "No, no," she quavered, "it's alright. I'm just coming to grips with what a terrible person I am."

"You are not a terrible person, Rory. How did you get that from all this?" he demanded.

"I… um… well, I was thinking about that open house you invited me to," she admitted weakly.

He was silent for a moment. "Oh," he said, finally. "Well," he sighed, "we all have moments we'd do differently. You know better than anyone that I do…"

He was being so generous with her. "Still, I feel like I need to apologise, Jess," she said seriously, "for that night, and for every time I've been so focused on my own feelings that I didn't think about how I was affecting yours. Can you forgive me?"

"Of course," he said earnestly, his warm hand squeezing hers again. "Can you forgive me? All those times I hurt you?"

"I forgave you a long time ago, Jess," she smiled.

He sighed. "You have no idea how much that means to me, Rory. Thank you."

They sat together in silence for a while, neither one of them knowing what to say next. Rory checked the time on her phone.

"Well, I should probably get going now," she admitted awkwardly. She struggled to heave herself up from the couch until Jess sprang lightly up beside her and offered to pull her to her feet. "Um, thanks," she said in a small voice, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment.

"You're not driving all the way back to Stars Hollow tonight, are you?"

"No. No, I'm going to spend the night with Paris in New York."

"Good. I'm glad. You, uh, wanna take the rest of this food with you for the ride? It's still a two hour drive…"

"Thanks, Jess, that would be… um, that would be great."

He nodded slowly, hands in his pockets. "Hey, look, uh, Rory…" he began, scratching the back of his head awkwardly, "all that stuff we talked about just now, that's all…" he waved his hand back and forth, "water under the bridge, you know? I'm not… gunning for a second chance or anything, alright? I know all that's long, long over. You've moved on and I… I've moved on too." He shrugged, looking anywhere but at her face. "So you don't have to worry that I'm expecting anything to change, 'cause I'm not, ok?" He finally met her eyes, reassuring her of his sincerity.

Rory stood frozen, blue eyes wide open. "Oh," she said. She didn't feel like nothing had changed. "Oh, no, yeah, sure, definitely," she agreed, her head nodding like a bobblehead doll's. She felt like the rug had just been pulled out from under her feet, but she had no idea why.

"Good," he nodded. "Hopefully, this won't make our friendship awkward… I don't want it to be awkward…"

"Oh! No." She was now shaking her head forcefully. "No, it won't be awkward. No awkwardness at all! Don't worry about that. In fact, I think this really great. We'll be able to be really honest and open with each other now, now that we've gotten all this out in the open! Um… do you still feel comfortable editing my chapters, or…?"

"Oh yeah, sure. Go ahead, send 'em over."

"Great. Ok, so… I guess I'll get going?"

After gathering all her things (and one last bathroom run, because... pregnant), they stood in front of his door again, trying to figure out how to say goodbye.

"So, I guess we'll be in touch… You will answer my messages now, won't you?"

He laughed sheepishly and ran a hand back through his hair. "Yeah. I'm sorry for ghosting you, Rory. Thanks for, uh, hunting me down and making me be a man about it."

"Thanks for talking to me. I know… I know it wasn't easy for you."

They stared at each other for a long moment.

"Well. Goodbye, Jess. How should we do this? Can I hug you? Would that be ok?"

He grinned. "You got it. C'mere, Gilmore." He reached out and hooked an arm around her shoulders, reeling her in. She wrapped her arms around his torso and held him tight, snuggling under his chin. This man. She felt such a wave of affection for him suddenly that she felt her eyes tearing up again. Probably some kind of maternal instinct, she thought. It felt so good to be wrapped up in his strong arms… he was so warm and solid, and she felt safe. Safe with Jess. Wow. She hadn't expected that when they were younger, but nevertheless that was who he'd become. Someone she could always depend on to be there when she needed a friend. She inhaled deeply in contentment. Wow, he smelled good. So good. She hadn't been this close to him in a long time and she'd forgotten what great hugs he gave. She didn't want to leave. She squeezed him tighter.

"I'm so glad we're friends, Jess," she whispered fervently, burying her nose in his shoulder. She felt his arms hold her even closer against his chest.

"Me too," he murmured huskily, and he pressed a kiss to the top of her head. She smiled.

Suddenly, the forgotten third party of the group made his presence known with a barrage of swift kicks and punches that sent Rory and Jess reeling back in surprise, laughing.

"Whoa! That was weird," Jess grinned, his eyes alight.

"You think it's weird?" Rory laughed, "You should see what it's like on my side! I have something else living inside me. It's too bizarre for words."

"Well, I guess you'd better go. I do not want any angry phone calls from Paris demanding retribution for your lateness."

"No s-," Rory agreed. She adjusted her bag on her shoulder, but then hesitated once more. "Well… goodbye, Jess."

"Goodbye, Rory," he replied softly, a fond little smile on his lips as he held the door open for her.

She gave him one more smile before heading down the stairs.

Thank you for reading! And I love reviews! I'd love to know what you think!