A/N: HOWDY~! GUESS WHO FINALLY GOT A SMART PHONE!

THIS GUY!

Now, I've only just downloaded Fate Grand Order, haven't had a chance to play it in...well, at all, lately. So I'll let you all know when I'm up and running. A few of you said something about friend codes? Is that I thing? I don't know, its been a long time...so...could anyone let me know what I'm in for?

WARNING!

ALTERNATE UNIVERSE INCOMING!

EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED, AS ALWAYS!

This Naruto possess the Double Summon skill upon being summoned, making him a fusion of the Berserker/Caster class. Yes, that's a thing. Look it up on the wiki if you don't believe me. Thanks to his origin and the trauma he endured...he's not quite right in the head. I leave it to you to judge him. Is he good? Evil? Or perhaps neither? Somewhere in between?

As ever, any and all reviews are fuel for each chapter.

I don't get paid to do this after all, reviews are the only incentive I receive.

SO could the trolls please stop? I've had to delete countless reviews of nasty vitriol in the last few days or so and its making me upset. I've also had a rather nasty chap known as "Doom Marine" chanting

If you don't know who Rani VIII is by now, well!

Look her up. She's a little cinnamon bun.

I own no references. Obviously.

But I do love them so.

Sorry if its short!

"Can you communicate properly? Or just in single-word sentences?"

"-_-"

"That is not a response."

~?

A Most Unlikely Bond (Interlude)

He didn't speak again.

Try as she might, Rani couldn't get a coherent response out of her Servant after his initial summoning. Rather, he simply refused to speak. To her, to himself, to anyone. That brief spark of sentience that had struggled so hard to reach the surface was inevitably smothered beneath the stifling weight of his Madness Enhancement once more. Perhaps never to emerge again. It almost made her sad. Truly, those of the Berserker class were an unenviable lot saddled with cruel fates. Her Servant was no exception.

Were she went, Naruto followed, and her fellow Masters shrank away from him.

Of course they did. She was riding on the blond's shoulder after all. That was to be expected.

His towering height dwarfed several Servants to begin with; compared to him, she may as well have been a child.

She knew she could expend a Command Spell to MAKE him talk, perhaps even stifle his Madness Enhancement entirely, but she didn't dare. It wasn't fear that held her back, only pragmatism. She could only ever use two such spells; the third was needed to solidify her existence here in the Moon Cell. No, she would not waste them unless Berserker make it terribly apparent that he wanted to speak. Perhaps not even then. Her seals had to be kept safe in case of emergency, lest she waste them on frivolous-

An apple sailed up at her and, jarred from her thoughts, the little homunculus narrowly caught it.

Baffled, she turned her head to find her Servant staring at her.

A lone blue iris regarded her silently.

"Eat."

Rani started.

"I have no need for food-

He pressed the apple into her hands regardless.

Reluctantly, she did as she'd been bade and began to eat.

To his credit Berserker wasn't a bad Servant per se, he just didn't understand the concept of restraint. Oh, he took good care of her and consented to her commends readily, he just did it with excess...everything. Force or strength, vim and vigor. Be it feeding her, protecting her, or even tucking her in at night. Naruto Uzumaki did nothing by half measures. There was a frightful spark of sanity beneath that madness, rarely glimpsed, yet all the more potent when it appeared. For all of his snarling fury, he could actually show some tact.

Their opponent was one such example.

Rani was able to deduce that he was an Archer easily enough the moment she laid eyes on him; even before his attempted assassination of her. In recompense for his temerity, Berserker broke both his arms and thrashed his Master besides. But rather than kill them, he let Archer limp off to tend to his wounds-his magus to recover and fight another day. He could have killed them both. Instead, he let them live. Just to terrifying them. That should have been telling in the first place; a sign that her Servant wasn't as senseless as he seemed. Poisons did not affect him. Arrows just bounced off his scarred hide. If she didn't know better, she'd suspect his Noble Phantasm granted him invulnerability or multiple lives.

She truly had summoned a monster of a man.

She had seven days to win his loyalty before she faced her first opponent in battle.

Seven days to secure the two triggers needed to make it to the next round. Seven days to hone her skills.

And yet in those seven days, rather than enforce her dominance of him, Rain attempted to engage in conversation with her Servant, despite the knowledge that she would inevitably fail. So she asked him questions. Tiny things, small things. Because she wanted to hear him speak to her again, as he had before. For a girl who did not understand emotions, she found she wanted to understand this young man. For all his feral appearance he wasn't as feral as he seemed.

On the first day, he did not speak at all.

On the second day, he gave her another bushel of apples.

On the third day, she managed to answer one of her questions, albeit haltingly.

On the fourth, she witnessed his true Noble Phantasm for the first time and it terrified her.

On the fifth, he managed to cook something for her, despite nine miserable attempts. She still ate it.

On the sixth Naruto surprised her with a laugh when she accidentally tickled him; little more than a rusty chuckle, but laughter nonetheless.

By the seventh, he'd taken to carry her around wherever he went. Rani found that was not opposed to such transportation. It was...effective. Gentle, even.

When the time came to fight, Berserker did not ask questions of Rani. By then their triggers had long since been collected, their preparations made. All that remained was to face the enemy. No, Naruto never said so much as a word to her as they approached-and entered-the elevator leading down to the arena. He simply shadowed her, ducking his head as she walked ahead of him. And if he appeared mildly displeased that she'd elected to walk under her own power, surely that was her imagination...?

The enemy awaited them within.

"Hey, little miss~!"

She could feel her heart beating rapidly when she saw them, threatening to pound its way out of her chest. There would be no escape this time; no rules to prevent that green Archer from going right for her throat. It was an illogical fear, but after seeing what his arrows could do, she had no desire to be struck by any of them. She was just a girl, not a walking engine of destruction. One shot to the head and she would die. She was certain of that. Was Berserker fast enough to protect her? Was she quick enough to dodge? And then there was the matter of his Master.

Dan Blackmore hadn't said so much as a word to her. He just...watched her with those cold eyes of his.

Rani's breath hitched in her throat as she felt the beginnings of a panic attack coming on.

She'd been wrong about this. She wasn't ready. No. Not at all.

A hand found her shoulder.

"Re...lax."

Her head whipped around with such force that she felt her neck pop.

He offered her a strained smile.

"It'll...be...alright..."

He gave her a gentle squeeze and stepped forward to place himself between her and the Green Archer; sending the elevator trembling with each step.

Archer immediately backpedaled, his sarcastic wit all but forgotten in the face of that silent fury.

A fist rose and smashed into the silent screen separating the two of them.

"Whoa there, big guy! Wait until the elevator stops!"

Berserker gazed stoically ahead, his wild gaze locked on the enemy awaiting him at the other side of the barrier. Archer was left rubbing his arms, no doubt remembering the horrible wounds he'd been dealt during their last encounter. It was likely Robin Hood they faced, or so she surmised. Who else could be so skilled with a bow and sabotage techniques? Most Archers would at least stand and fight when cornered, but this one always ran, even when he'd a chance for victory. Almost as if he were afraid. She supposed he had good reason to be.

With a soft "ding" of sound, the elevator came to a halt.

Archer didn't wait; he all but bolted to the relative safety of the arena, dragging his Master with him.

Naruto grunted and followed at a more sedate pace-all the while to keep his muscled bulk between Rani and any backhanded attacks. The silent gesture was not lost on the little homonculus; tentatively she reached up to give his scarred hand a soft squeeze of her own. This time, Berserker's grunt sounded almost pleased by comparison. Was that the ghost of a smile on that stoic face just now? Surely not.

And then it was time.

Terror or not, she could only drag her feet so long before she ran out of road.

The arena loomed before them now, a silent expanse some miles wide. It suited Berserker just fine. There was no cover to be had here, no ambush points by which Archer might escape or wheedle away at their health. A simple flat plain surrounded by barriers on all sides, bits of coruscating data frittering away higher into the sky. She felt the walls close in behind them as they approached; well, that was it, then. There could be no escape now, no turning back, no surrender. No mercy. Even now she could feel her circuits burning uncomfortably warm as Naruto drew energy from

So be it.

Kill or be killed.

"Berserker...do as you wish."

The green archer and his noble knight of a master stood no chance.

As ever, Naruto didn't speak.

He just moved.

A wild and furious howl tore its way out of his throat to shatter the air, then he was suddenly thundering forward to meet the enemy in a bold bolt of crimson. Credit where it was due, Archer knew better than to let the brash blond close the gap. No sooner had Naruto gone half a step forward than he retreated just as quickly.

It still didn't save him.

His first shot skittered off the scarred plane of Berserker's chest; the next caromed wildly of the rapidly advancing avalanche that was her Servant. All while Rani watched Archer's master for duplicity or the signs of any other such action. When he raised his arm and attempted a code cast, she instantly countered with one of her own; boosting Berserker's already stellar attack to obscene heights. Now those mismatching eyes burned with a different kind of fire all their own. Blackmore scowled at her and reached for his own weapon even Rani steadied herself-

"WEAK!"

"Gack?!"

Rani's gaze snapped back to the Servant's fray just as Naruto roared in triumph and finally managed to get ahold of the elusive Archer. This time, Robin Hood did not escape, The latter had been in the process of preparing his Noble Phantasm and was thus caught wholly unawares by the Berserk blond's sudden surge. Twin fists came crashing down on his chest, stunning him. A hammer-fist broke his ribs and slammed him into the ground. He snapped off a shot into Berserker's face but the madman only caught it between his teeth, bit down, and kept whaling on him.

Rani forced herself to watch it all, even as her circuits burned and her reserves ran dry.

And then it was done. Berserker rained down blow after brutal blow upon the enemy Servant until he simply couldn't defend himself anymore. Archer did not cry out. His sole concession to the pain were a few quiet grunts as those scarred fists beat him into an unrecognizable mess. Soon enough, he fell silent entirely. Whatever offensive move Dan had been preparing died as he too stood idly by, transfixed by the horror that was unfolding before them. Then, when he was at his lowest point; when Archer was wholly, utterly unable to move, Berserker reached down.

His hand closed around Archer's head and hauled him off the ground.

Mismatching blue-red eyes turned to Rani. He was waiting for her command, she realized. There was someone in there. He wasn't a mindless cur as he appeared. A second dragged by. Then another. Another still. He did not move; even as Archer's Master slumped to the ground. There was a high, wild light in eyes, not cruel but...frightful all the same. Eyes blazing, chest heaving, Berserker gave his prey a shake, as though Archer were a worn out chew toy. He certainly looked like one right about now.

"So be it." the old knight sighed, gazing at her. "I concede. Finish what you started, little one."

Still, Berserker waited for Rani's command.

And she nodded. "Finish it."

Berserker wasn't cruel; he crushed Archer's head with ruthless dispatch and flung him away like a rotten piece of fruit. Archer died quickly at least. Rani tried to console herself with the green bowman's passing. The poor Servant's body began to crumble almost immediately, and his Master wasn't far behind. Still he showed no fear, even here in his final moments. Instead, he pulled himself upright to face them, even as the crimson barrier of the defeated snapped into existence between the three of them. He'd failed. He was going to die.

So why was he smiling?

"You have been defeated. Why are you laughing?"

"Well done." he croaked the words out. "You proved yourself willing to kill. However,"

Rani flinched, but forced herself to meet the man's gaze. No. She wouldn't falter. She wouldn't.

"For what its worth, you have my sympathies." that wrinkled face creased in a careworn smile as his lower torso crumbled away into astral dust. "I should warn you against what is to come-tell you not to let your Servant rage as he has, not to let him consume you, change you-but it appears he already has. If you continue down this path...

He stretched out a decaying hand to her.

"You'll see hell."

His words sank into her heart like a thorn through flesh even as Blackmore turned to dust; his parting words didn't so much poison Rani;s thoughts as they did pain her. What had she done in this fight? Nothing. No, less than nothing. She'd countered a Code Cast. That was it. Naruto had done all the fighting. He had won solely through his own power. Could she live with that? Could she become stronger? Could she keep killing and harden her heart to all the trials that awaited her? What would her teacher say?

In the end, she didn't have the answers. Dan Blackmore died, and Rani The Homonculus lived on.

Naruto patted her head.

"Good...job."

Rani sighed softly into his palm.

Yes, the first round was an utter victory.

Berserker had shown no mercy to his prey. None at all.

So why did she feel as though she were losing something terribly important?

A/N: Poor Robin Hood.

He never stood a chance.

Really though, sending an Archer out against a Berserker is just a bad matchup no matter how you look at it; there are on a handful of dedicated Archers capable of taking down a Berserker and lets face it, our green boy wasn't one of them.

And Naruto's slowly bringing 'lil Rani over to his way of thinking.

Before anyone asks, Hakuno is in this story. And their Servant might...surprise some of you~!

No one has plot armor these days, and I'm tired of holding back when it comes to fights. Deaths are going to come regularly now for all the Unlikely stories as a whole now; because with all of these updates we've officially moved into phase two. Everyone's out drawing battle lines, finding their enemies and killing them.

On another note, A Most Unlikely War will be its own story. The bit going on with Drifter is a separate bit and only has SOME of the cast gathering. Not all. Think of that one as a teaser to come.

In this world, its kill or be killed now, isn't it? Kudos if you get the quote.

I don't have the heart for a long author's note. Not this time.

As ever, this will be gone in two days if folks don't like it.

Reviews are love, Reviews are life, Reviews are good.

So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...

...Review...Would You Kindly?

And enjoy the previews!

References for days.

*cackles madly*

(Previews)

"That's hell you're walking into."

"You won't fight Caster?"

Naruto shook his head sternly.

Alice only tilted hers. "Aw, that's nice~!"

"I...will...not...

Lancer swore softly.

...LET YOU...GET AWAY...WITH THIS!"

Then there was a rush of red-gold and he knew only pain.

Huh. Getting beaten about with his own spear. That was some new shit.

She had a nightmare.

Berserker didn't say a word; not a one.

He simply allowed her to curl up in his chest.

Euryale beamed.

"He's just like Asterios!"

"We should keep him, then." Stheno agreed.

Naruto frowned and began to shake his head slowly.

"What's wrong, Berserker?" the sisters frowned. "You should feel honored."

The head-shaking intensified tenfold and Rani nearly giggled at his Servant's plight.

"You possess the Double Summon skill, correct? Then...can you change classes?" she hastened to elucidate. "Perhaps as a Caster you might be able to speak without pain?"

R&R~!