Chapter I, Routine

Trigger warning! This book will include topics that may trigger some audiences. This includes subjects such as depression, anxiety, self harm, unhealthy eating, insomnia, and many other things considering these topics.

Evan's POV

I woke up from yet another nightmare, drenched in sweat. I checked my alarm clock beside my bed:

5:47

Of course it's this early, I never wake up to my alarm clock. I forget what it even sounds like.

I pulled the curtain and winced as the bright morning sun practically blinded me. The empty driveway told me all I needed to know. Of course she isn't home, she never is.

Next to my clock was a handful of pill bottles. I was getting low.

I took the usual. Antidepressants, iron, and SSRI. I didn't expect them to work, they never did. I took them anyway. Next to the bottles was a glass of water with a sticky note on it.

Sorry I have to leave early honey! Vanessa is sick and I had to cover for her. Make sure to take your meds and write a letter to yourself! Dear Evan Hansen today is going to be an amazing day and here's why. Hopefully I'll be home by 10:30.

Love,

Mom

I didn't need the water to take the pills but drinking it soothed the fire in my throat.

I took a shower to rinse myself if th sweat sticking me to my sleep clothes. Walking out of the shower, my eyes were drawn to the scale to the right of the sink.

Don't do it. Don't walk on. Don't look.

Shaking away from these thoughts, I went to my room to change into the usual blue shirt and tan pants.

Walking downstairs, i noticed the utter silence that lingered in the flat. Our neighbors weren't up yet.

Who would be?

I was.

Some cereal and an apple was left on the kitchen counter, this time without a note.

Heidi, my mom, didn't expect me to eat, at least not in front of her, which might've been the reason she took an extra shift.

She wants to get away from you, you freak.

I took the apple and sat down on the couch. I started reading a biography of Gordon Jacoby Jr. a famous scientist who traveled the world to study forests and the trees.

I must've read this biography about four times now but it just really interests me. Without realizing it, i was captured in a trance-like state. I do this sometimes, get lost in something. For me, it's a kind of way to run away from the real world.

You'll never be as successful as him. You're nobody. No one would even notice if you'd disappear. Not even your own mother would care.

A notification on my phone snapped me back to reality.

Mom: Hey honey! Have you eaten?

You're such a burden to her.

Me: yeah, I had an apple and some cereal.

Mom: have you taken your meds?

She wastes so much money on you and your meds.

Me: yup

Mom: Dr. Sherman had to cancel this Friday, something personal.

You won't even bother to speak to her.

Me: Alright

Mom: shoot I gotta go! Text me if you need anything! Love you!

Her life would be better without you.

Me: bye.