AN:

So, this is the last chapter. It is a longer one, but I didn't want to cut it. Enjoy and please review!

Chapter 5

Mac tried to find a comfortable position in the recliner. He watched Jack and sighed. He couldn't believe, that Jack had kept this secret for so many years. He knew Jack so well. The guilt and pain he must have endured. It broke Macs heart, but on the other side, it gave him hope. Most men would have given in to the guilt and ended their life a long time ago. Not Jack. He was so strong, he never choose the easy way out. „We'll find it Jack. We find the way out of this fucking mess. I'm not giving up on you brother." Mac couldn't stop the tears.

It took another five hours of anxious waiting, until Jack showed signs of waking up. His head was moving a bit and the fingers of the hand, Mac was holding, started to twitch.

Awareness came slowly for Jack. He could hear an annoying beeping and it took him a few minutes to place the sound. A heart monitor, so he was at Phoenix medical. He suddenly remembered the scene at the graveyard. His heart rate shot up, the monitor confirmed it with an alarm tone.

Mac got scared, he sat on the bed beside Jack. He stroke the Deltas face and tried to calm him down. „Easy big guy. You're safe. It's gonna be alright. Can you open your eyes?" Jacks breathing was laboured again. Mac rubbed Jacks arm. „Slow and deep breaths, Jack. Breath with me bud. Like you always do with me, when I'm gasping for air."

Jacks hand searched for his friends. Mac took it and rubbed the back of Jacks hand in comforting circles. Jacks eyelids fluttered. A moment later he was rewarded. Jacks eyes opened and he looked confused at Mac.

„Welcome back Jack. You had me worried for a while, brother." Mac smiled. Jacks vision seemed to clear and he was able to focus on Mac.

„Hey brother," he croaked. „Water"

Mac helped him to drink. „How do you feel?"

„Like shit," Jack offered.

„Well you look like shit," Mac agreed, smiling a little.

„You too," Jack observed his young friend. „You should go home and sleep, Mac. You got a knock on the head." Even in the state he was in, he couldn't help, but worry about Mac.

„I'm fine and I'm not leaving you, until you are ready to go home." The blonde answered determined.

Jack looked down, ashamed and feeling guilty about what he had put Mac through. „I'm sorry Mac. I promise, I won't do it again. I don't know, how you still want to be here, after you've learned what I've done." Guilt was radiating from Jack.

Mac gripped Jacks hand again. „This was not your fault. I know you pulled the trigger and you have to live with it. We both have to live with the knowledge, that we've taken lifes. It's not easy. You have done nothing wrong Jack. It was the war, that killed this boy and so many others. I don't blame you, the same as you don't blame me. You saved so many lifes Jack. You saved me so many times, I've lost count of it. There's a reason you're still here. We all need you so much."

„Thanks Mac, for everything." Jacks eyes closed again. Mac sighed, relieved. He knew Jack had a long way ahead of him, but he would overcome this and Mac would be by his side. Mac turned a little and laid his head on the bed beside his friend. Jack must have sensed it, because he lifted his arm with difficulty and laid it around Macs shoulder, so that Macs head rested on his heart. Both men drew comfort from this position. Jack, because he could hold onto his kid, and Mac could hear Jacks heartbeat, which had comforted him many times before. It didn't take long and they both were asleep.

Matty walked into the room with the doc beside her. They both couldn't suppress a smile. The Doctor stepped to the bed. Jacks eyes opened, he motioned a shush and closed his eyes with a little smile on his face.

„Seems like Jacks doing better," the doc observed after checking the monitor and the IV bags.

„I think, he's gonna be ok. They both are." Matty agreed and they left the room.

Jack was able to leave the hospital five days later. The drug had completely worn off by this time, but he was still pretty weak from the blood loss, his body had suffered. Mac had kept his promise and hadn't left Jacks side, other to shower or get some food. They hadn't talked about the reason for Jacks suicide attempt. They both knew, that this would have to wait until they were somewhere undisturbed.

Now Mac was pushing a wheelchair into the room. Jack looked annoyed: „Are you serious? I don't need that thing!" He looked at the wheelchair with disgust.

„Suit yourself, I'll go and tell the doc, that you want to stay here until you are able to walk the long way to the parking lot all by yourself." Mac turned to leave.

„Ok, you win this time." Jack gave in, grumbling under his breath.

Mac shot him a wide grin. „Good boy," he couldn't resist to tease Jack a bit. He had to admit, he was sick and tired of this room and he understood, that Jack wanted to get out of there.

„Just shut up and push," Jack hated it to be in a wheelchair, even if it was just for the ride to the parking lot. It always felt wrong to sit in there, if you were able to walk.

„Let's get you out of here big guy. I'll take you home to my apartment."

„No! I want to go to my own place. I … I can't … I don't want to be around other people." He added silently.

Mac had already noticed, that Jack seemed uncomfortable, when Matty, Bozer or Riley were visiting him. They had sensed it, too and had made the visits short ones. It had shown Mac how shaken Jack still was from the whole ordeal. He needed time to sort his feelings out and hopefully to talk things through with Mac. The blond agent agreed: „Alright, we go to your apartment, but I have to warn you. I'm gonna move in, until you're back on your feet."

„I'm already back on my feet. I don't need a babysitter." Jack pouted.

Mac shot him a stern glare. „Really, do we have to go through this again? Jack, I don't want to bring it up again, but you leave me no other choice. It wasn't even a week ago, that you tried to end your life. What would you do, if you were in my position?"

Jack remained silent, his head hang low.

Mac acted if Jack had answered. „Yes, exactly. And this is, why I'll stay with you, or I'm gonna turn around and take you back to Phoenix Medical. So what do you want? Go home or stay here?"

„Go home."

„See, that wasn't that hard." Mac tried to sound upbeat, but he was worried. Jack had withdrawn these last days. Mac was pretty sure, that Jack wouldn't attempt another suicide, but he feared that his friend was slipping into depression. He would talk to the rest of the team to give them room. Mac sensed that being with Riley, Bozer and Matty added pressure on Jack.

The Delta knew, he was expected to be the strongest part of the group and he couldn't take this role at the moment. Jack was disappointed at himself, for not being able to fulfil his duty as protector and for failing his kids. He always felt the need to be a role model to them. A source of strength and reliability. How could they look at him ever again without being disgusted? It was probably better to leave them all. Jack couldn't stop his thoughts from going into overdrive. He couldn't sleep and he couldn't get the rest, his body so desperatley demanded. He had feigned sleep, while he was at Phoenix medical, only to get out of talking to Mac. Jack felt bad about deceiving the kid, but he simply wasn't able to face him. Since when had he become such a coward? Jack was torn between his duty to his kids and the need to hide and cry.

The drive to Jacks home was silent. MacGyver was watching his friend closely. He didn't like how pale Jack still was. He looked completely worn out, although he had slept a lot in the last days. Mac just hoped, that Jack would get better, once he was in his familiar surroundings.

When they reached their destination, Mac went to help Jack get out of the car. The Delta ignored the helping hand and fought his way out of the car and up the stairs, that led to his apartment. Jack couldn't believe how weak he still was. The last part of the stairs proved to be too much for his body and Jack collapsed painfully. „Jack!" Mac was at his side in an instant. He softly offered: „Let me help you buddy." Jack just nodded. Mac pulled him up and almost had to drag him into his home. Once inside he guided Jack over to the couch and gently laid him down. The older man couldn't meet his eyes. „Thanks, uh … sorry for being difficult."

Mac grinned: „You know what, big guy. I really start to appreciate, how you put up with me, when I'm injured. If I'm just half as bad as you are, then you deserve a medal."

Jack grinned back: „Half as bad? Kid you are two times worse as me, at least."

„It's good to see you smile again Jack. I really missed that." Bang! That was definitely the wrong thing to say. Jacks smile vanished and the dark expression was back. Mac sighed.

Jack laid his head back and was asleep in moments. The trip home had cost him his last reserves. Mac went into the kitchen to prepare dinner. Jacks sleep wasn't a restful one, he moved around and mumbled incoherent words. Soon he was thrashing and Mac had difficulties to wake him up. He shook the Delta and tried to bring him out of his nightmare. Mac barely avoided a mean right hook, he moved out of the way, but unfortunately took Jack with him and they landed in a heap on the floor.

„What the fuck?" The upside was, that Jack was awake now. „Sorry Jack, I couldn't wake you up. You had a nightmare." Mac apologized.

„And because of that, you decided to push me of the couch?" Jack was grumpy.

Mac sighed and stood up. „Sorry man. Dinner's ready."

Jack only picked at his food. Another issue, Mac was worried about. Jack had visibly lost weight the last week.

Over the next couple days nothing improved. Mac decided, that he would take Jack to his cabin in the woods. At breakfast, he broke the news to Jack which earned him an angry glare.

„I'm not going." He stated.

Mac jumped up and exploded: „Why? Only to stay here and wallow in self pity? Listen bud, that's not going to happen! You're coming with me and you're getting better. We will talk about everything that's bothering you, if you like it or not. I'm not going to stand by and watch you waste away to nothing. Enough is enough. You will eat and you will start training, to get your strength back. I promise to drug you, if you don't come with me voluntarily." Mac regretted being so harsh with Jack and he opened his mouth to apologize, when Jack stood up and said.

„I'm sorry Mac, I know I'm behaving like an asshole right now. It's just so hard to shake this off. Maybe you're right and getting away will help. I have some things to think through."

„Hey, It's alright. I know you're still shaken. While you were out of it, I promised, I'll help you through this and I won't break this promise, like you've never broken one to me. Just give it time Jack. You're body still needs to recover and so does your soul. But it will get better and I'm right beside you brother, to help you along the way."

„Thanks Mac." He reached out for the blonde and pulled him into a hug. Mac saw this as the first step, Jack reaching out to him and not literally pushing him away. He melted into the Deltas hug and almost shuddered as he felt the thin back of his friend. He had lost so much weight, that every vertebrae and rib were protruding from Jacks back.

An hour later they were on their way. Jack nodding of from time to time. He still didn't sleep well, but he wasn't able to stay awake for a long time either. They reached their destination in the early afternoon.

Mac knew, that Jack loved this place. The cabin in the woods with the small lake nearby was a place to retreat, when everything became to much. They often came here, when they felt hollow and burnt out, when they had had mission after mission, with barely time to recover in between.

Jack stumbled on his way to the wooden porch and Mac took him by the elbow to steady him. He took it as a small victory, when he wasn't pushed away. Jack entered the cabin on shaking legs and collapsed on the couch. He shook his head in disgust: „ I still feel as weak as a newborn kitten. That sucks!"

„Just give it time Jack. You'll see, being out here will spark your appetite and once you'll get a few pounds on that skeleton of yours, you'll get stronger very soon."

„Maybe you've missed your calling. If you're running out of ideas in the field, you could work at Phoenix medical as a nurse." Jack smiled.

„Yeah, that would be great. Being the one to do all the pocking and stabbing needles, rather than being the one on the receiving end of all that shit."

Jack yawned and Mac could see the toll, the trip had taken on his friend. „Try to get some rest now. Later we're gonna go to the lake to catch some fish for dinner."

Jack was too tired to argue and so he simply closed his eyes and relaxed into sleep.

The walk to the lake never seemed so long to Jack as today. He had to stop twice to rest for a bit, before he was able to continue. Once at the lake they placed their fishing poles into the water and sat back on the bank. They sat in comfortable silence for a while. Mac had to know.

„Do you still think about … you know … taking your life?" He held his breath as he waited anxiously for the answer.

Jack thought about it for a bit. „No, don't worry about it buddy. I'm not afraid to die, but I won't try again, I promise. Although I must admit, that staying alive feels like a real chore at the moment. Getting up, dressing, eating, even breathing is such an effort. I sometimes feel, like I can't go on." Jack couldn't hold back the tears any longer. „I don't want to die, Mac, but I haven't got the strength to live … I feel like I … don't … deserve it …" he sobbed.

Mac took him in his arms tears running down his face as well: „Hey, ssh it's gonna be ok. We'll get through this together. We'll take one step at a time and it will get better. It will take some time. But no matter how long it takes, I'm in this with you brother. You saved so many lifes and you will save many more. You're precious. You have a gift, Jack. Call it instinct or whatever, but you always make the right decisions, no matter how high the stakes are. I know there can't be always a happy end. Sometimes we can't save everybody, but you always give your best. Always willing even to die to protect others, to fight for what you know is right. You just lost the right angle of view at the moment. Everything is confusing, but it will clear up. You have to promise me one thing though. To never give up. Can you do this for me?"

Jack nodded, he was to overwhelmed to talk. He cried for some time and Mac didn't let go of him, whispering soothing words of comfort. It was a defining moment of their friendship. A moment when nothing mattered, than the love and devotion they felt for each other.

It was getting dark, when they finally made their way back to the cabin. Jack was completely worn out from his breakdown. His legs barely holding him upright, Mac laid Jacks arm around his shoulder, taking most of the weight. By the time they reached the cabin, Jack was dead on his feet. Mac dragged him inside and took him to the bedroom. He eased the Delta gently on the bed. Jacks eyes opened a bit. „Thanks Mac, for everything. I love you buddy." Before Mac could answer, Jack was asleep.

Jack slept the whole night and well into the next day. He awoke, at first confused where he was. Then his memory returned. The lake. The crying. Mac holding him. He couldn't remember how he got back to the cabin. Jack sat up in bed and took in his surroundings. He had been here numerous times before, sometimes relaxing on other occasions recovering from injuries. He always felt at peace in this place. And now? Jack took inventory of his feelings. He felt better. The dark cloud that was towering over him had lifted. Sure, there still was the guilt, he would never get rid of, but it wasn't consuming his soul as it was before. He realized how lucky he was. He had a great family in Mac, Riley, Bozer and Matty. He thought about Mac. The kid was amazing. He didn't give up on Jack, when he himself had given up. Ready to end it all for good. That stubborn little cuss didn't accept Jacks decision. He probably would have followed him to hell and would have dragged his sorry ass back. Jack smiled.

Mac entered the room and saw Jack smiling. „Hey big guy. How are you feeling?"

Jacks smile widened. „It's good to be alive. Thanks for being there for me brother. Especially yesterday. I know I cried like a baby, but I think I needed to get it out. I really feel better now. What's for breakfast? I'm really hungry."

„Your welcome Jack. Breakfast is ready, get your skinny ass out of the bed. We'll start working out today to get you back in Delta shape brother."

Jack sighed. „And I thought I was on vacation here."

„Nope, you have to earn your keep here. The roof needs fixing and there are some other things to do around the house." Mac was so happy. It seemed that Jack had turned the corner.

Little by little Jack got his strength back. He was eating regularly, did the exercises Mac ordered him to do and slept a lot. After a week he was able to stay up all day, with only a short nap after lunch. The paleness was still there, but it was fading. After the second week he was training several hours each day and helping Mac with the neccessary repairs on the cabin. They stayed another week. They talked a lot in the evenings and their friendship reached a new level. They told each other things, they had never imagined, they would ever confide in someone.

Mac had regularly updated Matty and the team about Jacks progress. They would throw a welcome party for them, when they would come back home.

It was their last evening and Mac and Jack sat around a small campfire in the garden. „Are you ready to go home tomorrow?" Mac asked curiously. Jack was doing really good, but from time to time he still struggled with all that had happened over the last weeks.

„Yeah, I think so. I'm a bit uncomfortable thinking of meeting the others. I hope they are not disappointed in me." Jack admitted.

„Jack, nobody is disappointed in you. We're all concerned about you. We are sympathetic about what you went through. Don't mix it up with pity. It's just genuine concern. We are caring about you, the same as you are caring about us." He squeezed Jacks shoulder. „We are happy to have you back."

Jack nodded and took a small package out of his pocket. „I have something for you Mac. I don't need it anymore, but I would be glad, if you would keep it as a reminder of our friendship."

Mac was curious and opened the small box. He immediately recognized the small item. „It belonged to Saif, didn't it?" He ran his fingers over the eagle pendant. The one, he had found in Jacks treasure box several weeks ago.

„Yes, I took it from his body, as a reminder of what a monster I was. Every year at the day of his death, I took a few days off and nearly drank myself to death a couple times. I couldn't bring myself to care, if I survived or not. Can I ask you a favour Mac?"

„Name it."

„Would you … would you spend the next anniversary of his death with me?" Jack asked unsure.

„I wouldn't leave you alone on this day, even if you want me to. No more torturing yourself, got it?"

Jack nodded. „I'll try."

Mac was satisfied. „I'll take good care of this pendant. For you, for me and for Saif."

END

AN:

I know this story didn't attract as many readers as my previous stories. Maybe because of the suicide matters or it isn't simply good enough. Anyway, a big thank you to all the viewers, who stayed with me on the journey. Special thanks to vegas nivel 3 and Floh67 for reviewing every chapter. It means a lot to me. Sorry for the mistakes I've made, but English is not my first language.