(Author's Notes)

Alright, consider this an experiment. I saw this suggestion on Kolomte'49's channel and decided to put this out there to see what people think of it. Not sure if it will be continued for now. Just wanted to get the foundation out there. Hope it's up to normal standards, either for my other works or for other RvB stories on this website. Don't forget to read and review, Y'all!

My name is Leonard Church. Some call me Epsilon. I'm an A.I.. Well, an A.I. fragment. I was created by the man who was the basis for the A.I. I was fragmented from, Leonard Church, director of a military organization by the name of Project Freelancer. It's primary goal was to create the perfect super soldier. Part of the project was to partner the soldier with an A.I., that's how I was made. I bet you're wondering why I referred to myself as a fragment. See, I'm not a full A.I.. Project Freelancer was given only a single A.I.. As a result, the Director decided to do something no one else ever thought to do. He caused the A.I., Alpha, extreme duress, causing him to fracture and splinter off into multiple fragments, each representing a different aspect of his personality. I am his memory, and I'm the last of the fragments.

Recently, I found myself with his former team and friends, the Reds and Blues. On our way back to Earth after taking down Project Freelancer and the Director, a series of seriously fucked up situations, which may or may not have been caused by my friends, caused us to crash land on a planet outside of the jurisdiction of the UNSC! And if that weren't bad enough, it was in the middle of a goddamn civil war! Jesus Christ! If I didn't know why Alpha was constantly pissed off before, I did now! The Reds and Blues are filled with the stupidest, most annoying bunch of fuck ups you're ever gonna meet! But that's probably for the best. We won in every situation because we were a bunch of fuck ups. We beat trained soldiers, soldiers paired with my brother fragments equipped with them! And recently, we found ourselves fighting against the men and women who were forcing the civil war. These men and women were headed by the former Chairman for Project Freelancer.

They'd brought everything they could against us, weapons combined from Project Freelancer and alien tech, criminals they broke out to combat us and the people of the planet we found ourselves on, Chorus, and two very strong mercenaries who gave my friends the fights of their lives. After beating the mercenary known as Felix, we found ourselves on the flagship, surrounded and outgunned. It didn't seem like we were getting off that ship alive. Well, not all of us. We had one chance, an experimental armor that was designed after one of the Freelancers we'd fought and won against, Agent Maine, who we called the Meta. He was tricked by my brother, Sigma, into turning against Project Freelancer and stealing our brothers to force a Meta-Stability event, piecing the A.I. known as Alpha together once more. In doing so, he brought them to one place where the Reds and Blues along with a Freelancer Agent, Washington, detonated an EMP, wiping out the other fragments and leaving me alone.

My best friend, Lavernius Tucker, put on the suit, but he couldn't run the equipment by himself. He needed an A.I.. So, I was prepared to do everything I could to save my friends, prepared a speech and everything. I was on the last of my time. I was only a fragment. I was never meant to last as long as an actual A.I., this was always going to be a one way trip for me. At least that's what I thought. As I was getting ready to fragment myself even further to power the suit for the small amount of time we'd need to fight the Chairman's forces, I got a little help. F.I.L.Y.S., a specialized automated assistant that acted as the personal assistant to both the Director and, with some reprogramming, the Chairman as well. She managed to give me a massive power boost, allowing me to run the suit without having to fragment.

We beat the escaped criminals and were celebrated as heroes. Only Carolina, a former Freelancer Agent, daughter of the Director and my friend and surrogate sister, knew what it would've taken to power that suit without F.I.L.Y.S.. I should count myself lucky she wasn't telling the others about it. We were on our way to Earth, again, when things didn't go quite as planned. Again.

"Tucker, I don't care if you think this will get you a lot of girls kicking down your door. By the time we get to Earth, literally no one will ever remember it."

"Fuck you, I'm a fucking war hero with a badass suit or armor and a sword! I'm a modern day knight in aqua armor! Chicks dig that shit!"

"As a 'chick'," said Carolina. "I can already tell you the knight thing, is too cliché."

"Fuck you guys, I know what I'm talking about." He walked away as someone else ran over.

"Hey Blue," shouted the leader of the Red Team, Sarge. "You seen Lopez?! I need some help outfitting a new weapon onto the warthogs!"

"Uh, yeah," I said. "I think he was making his way for the air lock."

"What in Sam Hill is doing there?!" Sarge walked off and I shook my holographic head.

"You think he knows how much Lopez hates our guts?"

"I think he doesn't care. Lopez still does what he's ordered to," said Carolina.

"Which I don't get." I made my mini-hologram grow to full height as I turned to her. "He hates us and yet he still helps us."

"To be fair, you all hate each other as well."

"Yeah but not as much as Lopez. I mean, no one fixes his vocal processor, keeping him in Spanish mode all the time."

"None of us are qualified to fix his model."

"And yet Sarge was authorized to construct him completely! Seriously, what was the Director thinking?!"

"We know what he was thinking." I sighed.

"Yeah… I know."

"Agent Carolina, Agent Washington and Epsilon A.I., report to the bridge."

"Dammit, what now."

"Who knows," asked Carolina.

"Let's see what they want." I shrank my image and hovered next to her and we met up with Wash before heading to the bridge of our transport ship.

"What's going on," asked Wash as he walked beside Carolina.

"No idea. We just got the call like you," said Carolina.

"God I hope it's nothing serious," I said.

"You know you just jinxed yourself, right," asked Wash.

"Now I do." We got to the bridge and saw a strange light in front of the ship. The ship itself was motionless. "Jesus, what is that?"

"No idea," said the pilot. "Just know our readings picked it up and we came to a full stop before hitting it."

"Where did it come from," asked Carolina.

"Your guess is as good as mine. I was hoping you're A.I. friend there would be willing to help."

"Yeah cause giant mysterious lights in space is something I was programmed for," I said.

"Epsilon," cautioned Carolina.

"Yeah, yeah. Play nice. I'll hop into the scanners to see what I can find." But before I could do anything, the light expanded. "Holy shit!"

Next thing I know, I can feel something warm against my face. 'Wait a minute. I'm an A.I. with a holographic body, how the hell can I feel something warm? For that matter, how the hell can I feel anything at all?" I opened my eyes, another big fucking surprise! And saw myself looking up at a cute girl with auburn hair, my face nuzzled between her breasts as she slept. 'Did I end up in one of Tucker's wet dreams? That's a scary thought.' I tried pushing myself away from her only to find I didn't have human arms. My arms were short, stubby and covered in white fur. "What the fuck…?" The girl moaned slightly as she woke up. She turned to me and smiled warmly.

"Good morning, Koro!" 'Koro?' "Ready to start the day?" I stared at her blankly as she sat up in what I assume is her bed and stretched. She got up and removed her clothes. I turned away, embarrassed. She stepped into what looked like a bathroom and I heard running water. I jumped down from the bed and found I was shorter than it, but larger than my holographic form. I went to a full length mirror and didn't like what I saw. I appeared to be a small white dog. I responded as any sane sentient being would.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!"

"Who's there," called the girl from the bathroom. She ran back into the room, dripping wet and pulled out a sword from beside her bed. I didn't even pay attention to her. I was too preoccupied that I was a fucking dog!

"WHY THE FUCK AM I A DOG?!"

"K-Koro?" I turned to her. She dropped her sword slightly. "Y-you can talk?"

"Never mind that! I'm a fucking dog! Why?!"

"Y-you've always been a dog, Koro."

"Don't call me Koro. Call me Church."

"Church?"

"Yeah." I looked at my body and groaned. "Look at my arms! They're stubby! This is so many kinds of wrong!" I lost my balance and fell over with a grunt. "And my legs! Could this day get any worse?!"

"I-I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that you're talking!"

"I'm trying to wrap around my head that this morning I was on my ship with my friends, then there was this bright light. I was going to investigate and now, I'm a fucking dog!"

"Wait, what do you mean your ship?"

"I mean we were heading home on our ship after a very long fight to free a planet. We were heading back to Earth. What planet are we on, anyway?"

"Uh…"

"Come on, kid. I don't got all day. I gotta find my team, get myself back to normal, and get home. I haven't been to Earth before. Kinda want to see it before I blip out of existence." The girl stared at me for a second before my words clicked in her head and she looked down at herself. She screamed and kicked me out into the hall! "OW!"

"Don't look!" She slammed the door behind me and I groaned.

"There's no way the others are having as bad a time as I am right now."

(Tucker's POV)

"Dammit, Caboose," I shouted. "What did you do now?"

"I don't know," shouted the retard. "I was just standing in a corner talking with my new friend and I think I broke him!" I looked down at the water we were standing in.

"Oh come on, I just painted this armor!"

"Uh… Tucker," Caboose whispered to me.

"What Caboose? And why are you whispering?"

"Because there's a very mean looking lady behind you."

"There's a chick?! Where?!" I turned around and was met with a smoking hot blonde girl and a cute pink haired girl. "Ladies, how are you?"

"Perverts," shouted the pink haired girl. She reached behind her and pulled out a weird looking gun, aiming it at us.

"Uh… Caboose?"

"Yes," he asked.

"I think we should…" The pink haired girl fired her rifle at us. "Run!" A fucking laser beam just barely missed us as we ran away from the two girls and into a nearby building. I panted as we found ourselves in a large room with some sparse furniture and took my rifle off my back. "Dammit! Why does every chick I meet want to kill me!"

"Oh, that's ok. They want to kill me too!"

"Not now, Caboose. Let's just get out of here and find out where the hell we are."

"Who the hell are you two," asked someone beside us. I turned to them and saw a guy with green hair.

"Never mind who we are, what's with that hair?"

"Wait, how the hell did you get passed my defenses?!"

"Fuck if I know! I was just minding my own business, trying to get this chick's number and then, boom! I'm in a hot spring with this idiot and two very hot and very angry babes!"

"Wait, you got to see Leone and Mine naked?!"

"Hell yeah! Wait, you know this two?"

"There he is," shouted the pink girl from earlier, this time covered in a towel.

"Ah shit! Caboose, run!" We turned around and ran into Carolina and Washington.

"What did you two idiots do now," asked Carolina.

"Nothing, I swear!"

"Liar," shouted Pink. "You perverts appeared in our hot springs!" Washington sighed.

"Really, Tucker," he asked.

"Hey, don't look at me like that," I replied. "I can't help where I mysteriously end up."

"Remind me to reprimand them later," said Carolina. She turned to the two chicks. "Are you two ok?"

"We're fine," said the blonde bombshell. "Who are you guys?"

"We're fucking heroes, baby," I exclaimed. "Ow!" Carolina hit me in the back of the head with her rifle.

"Ignore him," she said. "I'm Agent Carolina. This is Agent Washington, Lavernius Tucker, and Michael Caboose."

"Hi," said Caboose. That's when the screaming happened.

(Griff's POV)

Of all the things that could have happened to us. This had to be the worst. There I was minding my own business and enjoying my meal when all of a sudden, I go from being in the ship's mess hall to the middle of a fucking forest! "What the hell?!" I looked around and put my helmet back on before pulling out my sidearm. "Where'd my food go?!"

"Never mind about your food, idiot," said Simmons behind me. "Where the hell's the ship! And for that matter, where are we?!"

"Hey, I've only gone through second breakfast! How am I supposed to make it to third lunch?!"

"Could you stop worrying about food for one second and help me look around?! Aren't you a little bit worried that we may be on an alien planet with whatever hostile life is nearby?!"

"No! I want my triple meat omelet with extra cheese, dammit!"

"Sonofabitch!" Simmons dived out of the way as a giant fucking cat leapt out at him, slashing at his head. "What the fuck is that thing?!"

"It looks like a puma!"

"Run!" I took off after Simmons and after a few feet, he stopped. "Wait, we have guns! Shoot!"

"Oh, right!" I turned around and fired my sidearm before I heard a faulty click. I looked at my pistol and saw it was jammed. "Shit!"

"Fucking idiot, that's why you should take better care of your weapons!" Simmons pulled the trigger on his battle rifle, only for it to click and nothing happen. "Uh oh." He checked the magazine. "I forgot I got rid of the bullets in my gun!"

"Why would you do that?!"

"We were on a ship! Accidental weapons malfunction could've pierced the hull and killed us!"

"And I'm the idiot!" The puma thing landed between us and swatted me into a tree. "Sonofabitch!"

"Griff!" The puma rounded on him. "Nice kitty…. Griff, toss it your emergency chicken leg," he whispered to me.

"No way! That's for emergencies only!"

"Almost being mauled to death by a puma is an emergency!"

"Fine! But you owe me another leg!" I reached into one of my ammo pockets and fished out a perfectly good fried chicken leg.

"Griff, he's sniffing at me…"

"Hey, Mufasa! Catch!"

"Wrong animal!"

"Just shut up and get ready to run!" I tossed the chicken leg at the puma. It turned in place to snatch the leg out of the air, giving Simmons room to run. Before the puma could snatch it however, there was a slash. A girl with long black hair and red eyes grabbed the chicken leg as the puma's head came off and its blood sprayed all over her. She stuck the chicken leg in her mouth and turned to us.

"That was a waste of meat," she said. Needless to say, me and Simmons were beyond afraid now. We took off screaming and ran into a wooden door, falling into the building we found ourselves at.

"It's Griff and Simmons," I heard Tucker exclaim.

"Crazy girl," panted Simmons. "Has a sword. Killed a puma. Covered in blood."

"Sounds like they met Akame," said the blonde beside Tucker. I stood up and leaned on my knees as light footsteps were heard behind me.

"Sorry," said the girl from before. "I let them find the hideout.

"Ah," shouted Simmons. "It's her!" We did the bravest thing we could think of. We hid behind Carolina and Washington, let them deal with the deadly little girl.

"Who are you guys," asked a green haired guy behind me.

"What's up with that hair," I asked.

"That's what I asked," said Tucker.

"There's nothing wrong with my hair," exclaimed the green haired dude.

"No dude ever dyes his hair green unless he's looking for attention."

"It's natural!"

"Bullshit," I exclaimed. "Green hair's not possible normally." I took a step towards him, only to be met with the girl's sword at my neck. "Meep." I heard a gun click behind me.

"Drop it," said Wash, more than likely holding his battle rifle to her head. Another click told me Carolina was aiming at the other people, more than likely Puma-Killer's friends.

"Everyone, step outside," said Carolina. "Tucker, sweep the building for anyone else and take them outside."

"Why me?"

"Do you want to be the one to escort the one who wants you dead right now?"

"Good point. Come on, Caboose!"

"Oh boy," exclaimed Caboose. "We're going on an adventure!"

"Don't even think about moving that sword across his neck, miss. Just step away from the idiot and calmly…" She moved the sword from my neck and swung it at Wash. The sound of metal meeting metal meant Wash blocked it. Carolina started opening fire as the girl's friends moved to us. I received a kick to the back and was sent to the ground before scrambling away.

(Carolina's POV)

As soon as the girl with red eyes swung at Wash, I turned and opened fire at her. That's when the blonde slammed her fists together and started changing. Her hair grew longer, and her hands grew fur and claws. She jumped at me and swung a fist at my head. I blocked with my arm and threw her away before kicking at her head. It connected but didn't do anything as she grabbed my leg and swung me into a wall. I avoided her fist as it swung for my head, missing by inches.

Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted Wash pull out his knife and engage the girl with the katana. The green haired boy pulled at something on the gloves he wore, and I spotted a glint of metal wire. "Wash, heads up, he's using tripwires!" Wash turned to the boy and rolled to the side as several wires shot out at him. That's when I spotted Tucker come flying out of a hallway.

"Sonofabitch," he groaned as he slowly stood up before getting hit by a flying Caboose.

"I think he broke my butt," said Caboose.

"Get off me!" I turned to the hall they came from and saw a man wearing armor and carrying what looked like a giant spear. "Caboose, tell Freckles to help."

"Freckles, do something!"

"Engaging," said the A.I. equipped assault rifle. It opened fire on the man who swung his spear in a circle in front of him and blocked the onslaught of bullets.

"That's cheating," exclaimed Tucker as he brought out his sword and went to help Wash. I blocked another punch from the blonde and kicked her away from me before turning to Griff and Simmons.

"You two could help at any time," I called to them.

"I don't have any ammo," called Simmons.

"And my gun's jammed," said Griff.

"Then fix it, and Simmons, you have spare ammo in your pouch," I said.

"Oh, right," exclaimed Simmons. He loaded his battle rifle and aimed at the armored man as Griff aimed at the blonde. "Suck it, White!" they both started firing, forcing the man to retreat back into the hall, unable to deflect both sides simultaneously. He stopped just short as a girl with purple hair, wearing a Chinese styled dress and carrying a human sized pair of scissors blocked the bullets.

"Are those giant scissors," called Wash as Tucker was kicked aside by the scarlet-eyed girl. Wash blocked her katana with his knife, and I turned to him.

"Switch," I shouted. I rolled under him as he leapt over me and dropped his knife, picking up my thrown assault rifle instead as I drew my knife and caught his. I charged at the girl and blocked with Wash's knife while swinging with my own. She was remarkably fast and blocked the incoming strike as soon as her initial strike was deflected. Tucker came back and swung at her. She managed, somehow, to block his sword with her own.

"No fucking way," he shouted. "What's that sword made out of?!"

"Questions later, survive now!" I kicked her away from me and evaded the giant pair of scissors as the purple girl jumped at me and sliced at my neck. Whatever they were made of, they were sharp enough to cut stone. Even though Mjolnir IV is stronger than stone and steel, I'd rather not chance getting hit by those things. She switched to Tucker who's sword managed to block her scissors. I slipped my knife back in its sheathe and pulled out my sidearm. I opened fire on both girls, forcing them to hide behind the scissors before moving to the side, avoiding a massive laser blast from the pink girl in the towel. I fired at her, forcing her to hide behind her friend in the armor.

I turned to my people. "Fall back, outside!" Griff and Simmons were the first ones out, avoiding covering fire from me, Wash and Tucker who pulled out his assault rifle. We retreated back beyond the giant hole in the wall before diving to the side as Pink fired at us once more, this time with a volley of shots like our assault rifles. "Find cover!"

"Where's Church when you need him," asked Tucker.

"That's what I'd like to know."

(Seryu's POV)

I didn't know what to think. All of a sudden my Koro was speaking. Actually talking, not the barking I'd grown used to. And to make matters worse, he sounded like a young man and was saying words I didn't understand. Suddenly, I felt self-conscious about my lack of clothing and put him into the hall in embarrassment. I found myself blushing and holding my hand over my heart as it raced. I didn't know what was going on. I quickly dressed into my civilian clothes, for once thankful I had a day off. Justice was important, but first I needed to figure out if I was going crazy. I steeled myself and peeked out into the hall, finding Koro… Church… still where I had kicked him. Head on the ground, body above his head. "You can come back in now," I said. Church looked at me.

"I would, but I'm not used to this body. I can't even pick myself up," he said. Reluctantly, I made myself to him and helped him onto his feet. He made a motion of dusting himself off as much as he could before turning to me. "Now then. Can you answer my questions, kid?"

"I have a name, Ko… Church. You should know it."

"Look, I don't know how I ended up in your dog, alright. But I'm not him. I don't have his memories. I don't think like him. I'm an A.I.."

"A.I.?"

"Artificial Intelligence. What, have you been living under a rock or s… He paused as he looked at my sword, standard issue for the Imperial Guard. "Kid, what year is it?"

"What?"

"The year."

"It's the year 1024 of the Imperial Calendar."

"Jesus Christ. I'm on a third world planet. That's just fucking perfect!"

"Third world planet?"

"Wait, you're human. How can you be here without the modern technology of the UNSC?"

"UNSC?"

"It's the United Nations Space Command. Standing military of Earth and it's colonies. Responsible for defending all human colonies from threats human and alien."

"Space Command?"

"Yeah, outer space. You know, planets among the stars." I looked up, staring at the ceiling and picturing the stars I always see at night. "For each star, there's at least one habitable planet. We've only been to about a couple hundred of them. The rest are either unexplored or alien controlled."

"Alien?"

"Yeah, humans aren't alone, kid."

"Stop calling me kid. My name is Seryu Ubiquitous."

"Seryu Ubiquitous? That's an unusual name."

"And I'm sure Leonard Church is popular."

"Hey, you'd be surprised. Listen, kid…"

"Seryu."

"Whatever. I need your help." He took a cautious step in front of me before looking right up at me. "Odds are, my team has landed on this planet as well. I need you to help me regroup with them and get us off this planet."

"I can't promise anything."

"Why not?!"

"For one thing, I'm a member of the Imperial Guard. I have a job to do upholding Justice in the Empire."

"That means you can go on patrol. That's perfect, we can look for them during your patrols!"

"I'm not supposed to diverge from my assigned path!"

"Oh, come on! The faster we get this over with, the faster I get back to normal, and you get your dog back!" I considered his words for a bit. I glanced down at him and saw he was trying, key word trying, to look cute and pleading. I held back a laugh with my hand.

"What are you doing?"

"Uh… it was supposed to be the puppy dog look."

"You look more like you're constipated." I keeled over, laughing.

"Well excuse me! I've never had a biological body before! Still working out how to move and stuff."

"What do you mean, never had a biological body?"

"It's… a long story."

"It's my day off, so we have time."

"Well… alright. Let me start off with a question. You ever wonder why we're here…?"

(Play ending of Blood Gulch Blues here)