At first, all she could concentrate on was his bone-deep betrayal. The way those once familiar blue eyes, so so blue, stared down at her, cold as ice, determined and uncaring for what stood in their way – her. How those lips that had just days ago kissed her body, over and over, whispering promises of unending true love, of a happy ever after like only picture books could paint it, making her believe in him, were now pressed in a hard unforgiving line, nearly snarling at her. And all she could really think about was the terrible undeniable fact that the man she loved with all her heart, the man that she had willingly and completely promised herself to and who had asked her to marry him, had not only lied to her for over two years, no, he had betrayed every single memory they shared, forever tainting those precious moments between them with doubt, deception and fear.

Was any of it true?

Was she ever more than a means to an end for him?

Or had he always seen her as nothing more than a convenient scapegoat and easy-accessible bottomless bank account?

While she stared at the dirty ceiling, her mind was replaying the last hour over and over again. The pictures of that damnable video were burned into her retinas, every second seeming like a torturous eternity, highlighting the gruesome details. Her ears were still ringing with her mother's choked off scream and her father's desperate pleads, filling them with an endless loop, narrowing her shattered world down until she was caught in an spiral of her parents suffering, of the loss and of petrifying helplessness of being a useless bystander, a watcher unable to stop it.

In this moment, she despised her near-perfect memory.

Her breathing was wet and flat, fast and irregular. She could literally feel one of her lungs collapsing as dark spots started to bleed into her vision. The taste of blood bloomed on her tongue, and she felt how it trickled down her chin.

… how pathetic.

Was this how it would end?

Would she, at last, die like this? Alone and forsaken? Abandoned?

Were these to be her last regretful moments in this world?

Toni closed her eyes.

If her breath continued to decline as fast as it did now, frostbite wouldn't even be a problem; she would be long dead before it settled in. At least she would be a corpse with all her toes and fingers, as well as her nose and ears intact.

… how morbid.

But it was easier than – than thinking about the other thoughts flittering through her mind.

Especially Steve.

Steve.

The man she loved.

The man who had betrayed her more than even Obi, Pepper or Rhodey ever managed – because with everyone else, even with her oldest friend, she hadn't been able to let herself completely go; there was always this last invisible wall that cradled and shielded her heart. It was a protective measure she had sometimes been tempted to let herself go off, but until him, until Steve, she never could bring herself to. Every time she had entertained the motion, someone had proved her correct – Obi tried to kill her, Pepper went behind her back for "her own Good" and Rhodey was torn between their friendship and his duty. At first, she had put Steve down as one of them; loving was acceptable, but letting him in would open her to annihilation. That last wall was all that kept her going most days. But Steve – again and again, he had proven her wrong when she thought that now, now he would leave, betray her, and validate her fears. And with each moment that he stood strong and true, her wall crumbled, until … she had let go, for just one person. For Steve, Antonia had opened the most vulnerable part of herself – her heart.

She had let go of her last shield and let him in completely.

He knew her. Her fears and desires, her hopes and regrets. The mistakes she had made, the pain and guilt she could never let go of. Her amends, her successes and failures. How she kept pictures of those that had died because of her shortcomings, a visible reminder to be better, to not repeat those errors again – because in the real world, trial and error had consequences you couldn't write off. Consequences that always affect more than just yourself.

… once upon a time, he had agreed with her; had agreed that no life was worth more than another, that all actions had consequences and that mistakes, no matter how much you redeemed yourself, shouldn't be forgotten, even if they had been forgiven …

But that, it seemed, was once – not anymore.

Because the Steve she loved knew how deeply her parents deaths affected her even to this day, how the last moments with them and her callous spiteful teenager attitude that day ate at her, how she loathed her father for driving drunk and killing her mother. He had held her as she cried on his chest, beginning her dead parents for forgiveness.

He had fucking consoled her.

Only – nothing of that was true, was it?

Her father wasn't the monster who had killed her mother.

No, he had tried to protect his beloved wife, her wonderful mother, with his dying breath. In the end, he showed that he had a heart … damn, his pleads for mercy – mercy for his wife, not himself, but Toni's mother …

Oh god … mum … dad …

And Steve had known. He had known the truth – for two. Whole. Fucking. Years.

That hypocritical arsehole.

He had sat there, the picture of moral authority and superioty, consoling her while boldly lying to her face, holding whole lectures on good and bad and how she should act as to not be trapped in her past destructive behaviours, heaping upon her already crushing guilt his own brand of disapproval for every mistake she made; while all the time, he knew the truth about her parents murder.

It's also calledbeing as bastard.

And for the first time in years, she wanted to punch in his perfect teeth in so so badly.

Fucker.

Hell, she even knew the reason.

It all made sense in hindsight: his insistence on rehabilitating Wanda, a former Hydra agent, despite Toni's very reasonable protest and concerns, preferring to put her down as the unreasonable spiteful interloper in what should have been Toni's own family; his desperate desire to search for Barnes without her, pushing her away from the Avengers in doing so while keeping the money flooding … well, fuck, she had been financing the search for her parents murder.

Toni felt a laugh bubbling up her throat and choked at the warm fluid, blood dribbling quickly through her lips as she seized in agony, her broken sternum nearly making her black out.

Was any of it real?

Had he ever loved her? Or was even that, the small gestures, the hidden smiles, nothing but part of the plan to make her malleable and dependable on him?

Because that was exactly how it went: Once she let her walls down, and truly let him in – he became … controlling. Condensing.

He changed.

Looking back, it started after she accepted his proposal.

Was his proposal only a part of the plan to keep her money under his thumb? Had she played once more the fool?

She pressed her eye lids tighter as the burning of hot tears set on.

Yes. She had been the fool.

Knowing what she knew now – it had to be a ruse. The love they shared, those sweet tender moments, all their plans and hopes – lies. And goddamn, was that asshole a good liar.

If he had only been honest … she wouldn't have welcomed Barnes with open arms, Toni was true enough to herself to know that, but she wouldn't have attacked him either. It wasn't Barnes who killed so many people but the brainwashed Hydra slave that had been tortured into oblivion and mindlessness, Toni knew more than enough about the Winter Soldier to be aware of the depth and manner of his programming and the horrors those Hydra scum inflicted upon Barnes; but had she known, had Steve been honest with her, she could have been able to handle the situation with a clearer head. What did Steve expect: her to simply smile and welcome Barnes home with open arms? All flower, sunshine and fucking rainbow unicorns? That was impossible in any scenario. Yes, Toni acknowledged that he was only the weapon, and he needed help reintegrating into society, hell she would have helped despite what he had been forced to take from her; but to expect her to ignore her parents murder like it was nothing? Having just seen it happen?

Fuck, no.

She was human, and humans were irrational in the face of horror; seeing once parents murdered was beyond horror – and it wasn't even irrational but a perfectly normal reaction to lash out at the murderer when he was staring at her.

Steve had held her once more to impossible standards no one else had to meet; not even he himself. And while Toni loved how cherished that man could make her feel at times, the more she looked back upon their relationship, the more she saw instances that left a more than unpleasing taste.

Instances she had once argued in favour of when confronted with her concerned friends now made her heart clench and her stomach role with nausea. It wasn't even that she wanted to see the worst of him … she just had more context, and it was revolting.

Things, behaviours she had rationalized as normal relationship changes, now were anything but – looking at the time line they developed on, Toni was disappointed in herself.

After Sunshine and Tyler, she had sworn not to let herself be trapped in an abusive relationship ever again – and here she was, finally seeing the pattern that had develop. And yes, it bordered on abuse.

He was controlling. Demanding. Spoiled.

Despite the lip service he paid to their – well, more like toher, it seems - ideals, Steve never faced the consequences of his mistakes … most of the time she had taken the whole blame, even if she was in no way, shape or form involved in the disaster he found himself in. It was a pattern that went back to their very first mission.

She was the comfortable scapegoat, and the Avengers loved to feast upon her carcass.

How did Bruce put it? They were a chemical mixture that was only waiting to explode?

Well … they finally did.

And how spectacular that explosion burned everything in its way.

The original Avengers save herself were now outlaws, fucking terrorists going against the will of over half the world – 117 countries, united by the UN. And what did her team mates do? Going around, indiscrimately killing, maiming, terrorising. Where was the will of the people in those actions? Where was the little man Steve always proclaimed to protect?

… squashed beneath his mighty boots.

She would really have appreciated a warning that Steve's main super power was self-delusion.

But no, even the great Antonia Emmalina Stark had been blinded by her ingrained childhood-fangirling; and later, her fucking heart and libido. She had seen the image and ignored the reality.

Letting Steve through her walls was the greatest mistake she ever made.

Because now, here she was, at the end. Alone and dying in an abandoned freezing Hydra Bunker in the middle of No-where-Siberia. Choking on her own damn blood, slowly dying.

One more mistake joining her list – but this one, would be her last.

Toni would never know if Happy finally got the balls and asked Pepper to marry him with the ring she knew he carried with him every day, she would never see Rhodey walk again - and anything but that wasn't a possibility, because damn, her brother-from-another-mother wouldn't be defeated by this accident - there would be no witnessing if Friday managed to become just as independent and grown-up as her older late brother, no helping Vision find himself or taking care for Dum-E, Butterfingers and You; fuck, she would never know how Peter and Harley grow up or help them take over the world with their genius … she wouldn't be there for her family when the aliens she had seen on the other side of that portal six years ago inevitably descended once more – only this time, it would be even more terrible then the few they had battled in New York.

There would be so much more death – and she would be unable to protect those she loved.

Dying meant leaving her loved once behind.

Toni shuddered, tears tracking down her cold cheeks, freezing.

The bitter truth was that she had lost the moment she allowed Steve Rogers into her heart. The moment he made her care, she was doomed. And now, she would pay the price.

It was a bitter taste, knowing how many regrets she would take with her into deaths embrace.

If only she hadn't …

If only.

Fuck you, Steve Rogers.

Fuck you very much.

Bastard.

" Ma'am? Ma'am, can you hear me?"

Wha …

… who-o …?

" Don't worry Ma'am, I have you."

… my baby boy …

Vision.

" I'm bringing you home."

Thank you.

~ The End. ~