Get Your Arse to Mars

I have travelled from the depths of Hell to the heights of Heaven. I have walked two Earths, and seen both aflame. I have scoured the moons of Mars, and have further bloodied its soil. Aeons I have travelled, and through the blood of demons, my soul has been sanctified. But never in all those years have I seen madness such as this.

Children. Two of them. They tell me that their names are Billy and Billy. After I ask for clarification, I learn that it's not Billy and Billy, but Billy and Billie. Billy and Billie Blaze to be exact. I see them, I talk with them, and behind the helm that hides my madness from Creation, I smile. Because these two each calls themselves a commander, and while they command no army, I see that they are well versed in the ways of murder. For while Hell itself has been defeated, a new threat has come to the red planet – little green men. Well, not really men, more like little green blobs. Martians, I wonder? Nay, says Billy, while Billie laughs. Bloogs. Bloodthirsty monsters from outer space that threaten the future of the human race. Billie says that rhymes. Billy tells her to shut up. Billie punches Billy, Billy punches Billie back, and my heart leaps with joy as I see that mankind's thirst for blood has not been lost. For without that thirst, they cannot hope to survive in this grim universe.

After their blood is shed (nosebleeds are a bitch like that), they tell me that they follow in the footsteps of their father. Commander Keen, real name Billy Blaze (yes, the son shares the name of the father, the daughter's name is only a homonym, which is a word I never thought I'd have to use). They speak of how he was a great warrior, who with his trusty laser pistol of doom, slaughtered anything that got in his way. I express my desire to meet this warrior, and they tell me that once they get their spaceship working, they'd be happy to introduce me. To hasten this, I aid them in the search for scrap, and slaughter any bloog that gets in my way.

For I am the Doom Slayer. The Hellwalker. The Avenger of Argent D'Nur, Scourer of the Umbral Plains, the Terror of Doom, and the Saviour of Mankind. If there is a warrior greater than me, if the blood that has drenched his soul rivals my own, I must meet him. I must measure him. I must never rest, whether it be angel, demon, or alien. I must slaughter all the enemies of mankind. I must rip and tear, from now unto the ending of the universe, when the last star lets out its last breath, and all Creation at last resides in peace. I must find my equal. My rival. My predecessor.

I must find this Commander Keen.

A/N

So, I know that the Internet is outraged over the mobile Commander Keen, but, I dunno, doesn't look too bad to me. At the very least, the cartoon intro brought a smirk to my face, which is more than anything else at Bethesda's E3 conference did. So, at the least, drabbled this up.