Title: They Said Quagmire Before Love

Pairing: HitsuKarin, implied IchiRuki

Genre: Romance/Hurt/Comfort

Summary: He loves her and she loves him. It was as simple as that. But no matter how much they look into things, search for different perspectives, it all boils down to the fact, however desperate they are to turn the tides, he is a captain, life to him is his duties—and she is Karin, too stubborn and too selfless to ever ask him to choose her above all else.

Notes: Three-shots. 😊

oOo

"I never regretted choosing your mother, Karin. But I don't want you to experience what I had gone through."

They say history repeats itself. But Karin doesn't want it to—never wanted to see things falling into familiar places of long reused jigsaw puzzle to replace the beautiful tragic love that was her parents'.

She knew, even before she was sat down by her father, about the wretched tradition that plagued Soul Society. She wasn't as special as her brother. They would never allow another captain—another captain of the 10th division at that—to run away for love. Not even if the woman is Ichigo Kurosaki's sister.

Ichigo threw his life away, chose to abandon whatever future he has in the world of the living, for love. Because as special as he was, tradition is tradition. They were kind enough to welcome him in their realm instead.

(Because, Ichigo Kurosaki is special enough to be accepted in Soul Society since he saved them countless of times already—and for respecting their solemn culture over love.)

"You know what I'm talking about, right, Karin?" Her father was solemn, dark shadows crawling up the corner of his eyes. Karin looked away, tried to maintain the cool façade she was known for.

"You don't have to repeat it to me multiple times, Goat-chin." She sighed, right hand carding her hair that were loose from their usual ponytail. Her words were quiet, tone as flat as she could muster. She doesn't let anyone see her fall apart—doesn't let herself fall apart.

She ignored the sad look her father is giving her.

oOo

He was beautiful, she thinks to herself as she looks at his figure. She doesn't tell him as much as she wanted to but she thinks that he knew how she finds him ethereal.

"What are you looking at?" Toushirou asks her, head tilting. She doesn't avert her eyes away, desperately forging to memory all that he was and all that he will ever be.

"I love you." She confesses instead, breath catching in the crevices of her chest. There's a twitch within that seemed to echo relentlessly—she ignores it. She had been ignoring it for the last five years already.

Toushirou's teal eyes soften, "I love you too."

She took his hand in hers, caressing the callouses and tracing each line. He had grown bigger after so many years. He had surpassed her height and is almost as tall as her brother, just a few centimeters shy of keeping the score tie.

Even with his powers or his icy demeanor, she always feels warm whenever their fingers intertwine.

"What are you thinking, Karin?" She shook her head at his question, feeling her eyes burn. She doesn't say anything. Instead, she pulled him closer to her, arms wrapping tightly around him.

She is twenty-one already. Her father's words had reverberated enough times in her head that she got swallowed up in their weight. But love for her was always a foreign concept until he came into her life. So she clung to it with all her soul, too afraid to let it go.

She loves him so, so much. But in this despicable world, there is no room for their kind of love. She had thought about it for so long, every single day as much as she ignored the pain that ate her away. There are choices in this world that are just too damn painful to make. But she did anyway.

"How many days do you have here?" She asks, mind racing with thoughts that kept her up at night. She felt his arms encircle her in a tight embrace as if he knew what she was thinking.

"A week." He replied, voice quiet.

A week. She has a week with him. Seven days to make him feel all her love for him—and then breaks both their hearts. It was so ridiculous how the abstract concept of time could render them into a chaotic mess of maybe's and goodbye's—their ending seemed so anticlimactic because she can't bring herself to fight selfishly so he would stay with her.

She wasn't selfish enough to rid him of the duties he had been handling for most of his life—wasn't selfish enough to rid the world of someone like him. But by god, how she terribly wanted to.

"If I had a choice, Toushirou, I would have wanted you to stay with me forever." If she could take fate in her hands and twist it to her liking, she would have made sure that there would not be anything in any world that would tear them apart. "But I hope that these last seven days with you would remind you just how much I love you."

Toushirou's arm tightened even more, almost to the point of suffocating her. But she doesn't budge, doesn't step away from him, doesn't shy away from such force. Instead, she tightened her arms too and hope to any god that she would survive once the seven days are over.

oOo

He was gone when she opened her eyes.

The emptiness of his side of the bed signified the end of what should have ended a long time ago. Their seven days were over. She couldn't help but clutch his discarded shirt, breathe in his scent for the last time. She trembled at the memories of them. Last night was a slow dance of passion for them both, his lips searing on her skin the promises that they both knew could never be realized. Her lips on his ears whispered the things they could have.

They were both afraid to sleep so they both fought the fatigue for as much as they could. She was the first to succumb—but even in slumber, she could still feel his stare, his gentle caresses, his words on her skin.

And then he was gone.

For the last seven days, she never gave into breaking. But now that he's really gone, a wave of misery, stronger than those last years, overtook the reigns on her emotions and she shattered.

(I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.)

The first few drops of tears sliding down her cheeks were followed by a river of muddled sensation of numbness and pain. Her sobs echoed throughout the empty room.

She cursed everything that took him away. She cursed the tradition of Soul Society. She cursed her old man for reminding her what she had purposely been ignoring for so long. She cursed her brother for getting what he wanted. And she cursed herself for not even fighting to make him stay, for not even asking him to choose her over everything.

oOo

Yuzu felt that something about her twin has dramatically shifted.

She doesn't ask her about it. She just knew.

Karin had been a quieter girl than she was but the silence that shrouded her twin is different—sadder, hollower in its heaviness. Lately, she has this way of saying things without really saying anything at all. As if she's physically there but her whole being just isn't—her tongue pushing words after words just to not feel entirely disconnected. One push of the wind would have blown her away, floated her to the very place she'd rather be.

Inquisitively, Yuzu observed her twin as she laughs at something her friend had joked about. And then suddenly, she sees it. She sees the resignation in her dark eyes—sees the grief Karin had desperately tried to hide away.

She had seen it a long time ago when Toushirou would visit her. She would look at him with adoration that she thought she would never see in her sister's eyes—because she thought Karin would not be willing enough to feel something so strongly for someone that is not her family. But, without meaning to, when Karin thought no one was looking, there would be a flash of sharp-edged pain displayed in her dark pools.

(As if Karin knew what would happen the longer she stayed with him.)

Yuzu realizes it then at the very moment.

oOo

Karin, although too young to clearly remember things when she was four, had memorized the way her father would look at her mother. His eyes were always soft, gentle like the touch of spring breeze during the last drop of winter. He would use this excited voice around all of them but when he and her mother were alone, he has this special kind of tone.

He would speak in a manner as if he was handling something precious, always laden with the unmistakably depth of his affections. Karin knew of this because her father thought she was finally asleep when he began talking with her mother in the peaceful quietness of the little world they had created.

Karin had thought then that what her parents had was beautiful and everlasting.

Until it became tragic instead.

oOo

Isshin doesn't miss the little changes manifesting from his youngest daughter.

She had always been mature even when she was still so young. He thinks it was a curse put by the gods from Soul Society for his ungrateful betrayal for the sake of love. He refused to think of it as karma.

What kind of person he would be if he brought bad karma to the beautiful world he and Masaki had created?

It's probably spite from them. Because even if they took his wife away from him, they couldn't completely take his love away for her—or rather, they had never even chipped the surface of it.

Looking at Karin, his heart aches for her—cursing the world for including his youngest daughter in his misery.

"Have you told him already?" He asked, carefully placing a cup of tea in front of Karin. She had been visiting more and more—staying more frequently in their old abode rather than in her little apartment in Tokyo as much as her university schedule could.

"I did." She took a light sip, coolly replying. Isshin doesn't buy her nonchalance. "It's already been four months, I guess."

"Karin…" Isshin heaved, chest constricting, unable to bring himself to act like the village idiot just to lighten the mood. "I'm—"

"Don't." She shook her head, "Just don't. It just is, right? Some love survives. Some don't. It just turned out that mine didn't. Simple as that."

But it wasn't as simple as she articulated it to be. It was more complex than anyone could comprehend. The minute Karin had run out the door with the biggest grin all those years ago had never warned anyone of the complication of falling in love too young, too clueless, too unprepared of the consequences when two different worlds collided in a gigantic explosion of surprising circumstances.

Isshin wordlessly nodded as Karin finishes her tea, cup tinkling as it softly made contact with the saucer Yuzu always insisted on using.

oOo

The month of December marked the seventh month since they had broken it off. Karin still wore the green scarf Toushirou had gifted her almost seven years ago—back when he started wearing his own scarf, back when they were only platonically friends.

Sometimes, when it would snow, she thinks he is nearby, just watching her from afar. She knew it would be a ridiculous fantasy, but she tried to get by with that little hope. She breathed more finely with that little hope. It was what could get her by nowadays. Coping mechanism of some sort.

And sometimes, when she is cooped in her little apartment, she likes to quietly dream of things she was abruptly rid of, or perhaps of things that could have been if they were just both humans in a world where Soul Society or hollows don't exist.

She likes ridding people of little details that would bring them down to her level—utterly powerless and human.

(Rid them of things that made them special and what do they become? Humans.)

And in her little world where the world does not need saving from unseen monsters and heroes do not slay with swords and fly on air without needing wings, she thinks her Toushirou would still hate summers and has utter affinity with cold seasons. And that would be the reason why they would meet.

Her eccentric family would have gone to a snowy-top mountain instead of a beach one summer because the heat is just too overbearing for a beach outing. She would be skiing out like a pro and then he would show up to outdo her. Not to be outdone by a midget, she would compete with him until they were both thoroughly exhausted.

Thinking it would be the last time they would meet, she would stalk off angrily when it is clear that he won the argument of who is better at skiing. But she's wrong because apparently the little white-haired boy is her brother's classmate in high school—a boy genius who had skipped grades. That will be the starting point. It would then be a natural thing to just fall into rhythm—just them, suddenly developing into something.

It would be a simple romance, no monster nor duties disturbing them from each other. Just a scary older brother threatening Toushirou's life for taking her away from him.

Or perhaps, they would be simply childhood friends who fell in love with each other along the way. It's not far from what had happened between them. He was a constant part of her younger years so much that it did feel like growing up with a childhood friend into adulthood.

It would have been nice—growing up in a normal world, perhaps.

Karin smiled despite herself.

oOo

"The wedding will be in Seireitei on New Year." Yuzu told her when she returned for Christmas Break in Karakura. Her light-haired twin had gone back earlier than her and had been there when their brother had dropped by to invite them for his wedding.

Karin nodded, flipping the channels, unable to settle for anything. "Are you going, Karin-chan?"

She paused at the question before shrugging, "Of course. Don't wanna miss Ichi-nii's wedding for anything."

Yuzu sighed, hand gripping the spatula she has, "And it will be alright for you going there and meeting with Toushirou-kun once again?"

The hesitant pause wasn't as long as people would have expected but Yuzu knows her sister so much that it distinctly sounded like cowardice scrambling for something to grasp unto and make some excuse out of anything.

"Yuzu." Karin started, her twin's name rolling off much heavily. "Please, not today."

But Yuzu would have none of it anymore. "It's been seven months, Karin-chan. Yet you still wouldn't tell me anything other than you and Toushirou are broken up. You don't even ask me to comfort you when you cry because I know that you cry over him, Karin-chan. Sometimes, I think you forget about me too to ever need me."

Karin let out a frustrated groan, "I don't need comfort. I'm okay, Yuzu. Crying helps too."

"But!" Yuzu cried, "You're certainly not okay. I'm here for you. I'm—"

"Yuzu, stop it. I'm going to get over it eventua—"

Their voices melded, words clashing together.

"No, you will not! Because you love him too much and… and—"

"Honestly, just listen to m—e"

"Why couldn't you just tell me that it hurts, Karin-chan?" Yuzu's eyes were staring at her with the same sadness their father had given her all those years ago—kept giving her when Toushirou is even mentioned. Something about it stirred up a dark nagging voice that Karin tried to bury but was never really successful in doing so.

She always tried ignoring the voice but the sadness in her twin's eyes that resembled her father's, hers, unraveled her in a chaotic mess of screams and spite she had long foregone for resigned acceptance.

"YES!" She screamed, face reddening, "Yes, Yuzu! I am hurt. I am fucking dying inside for the last couple of years. Because I already had him, Yuzu! I had him but not fully! Never like what I wanted to! He has lived a life without me in it for longer than we were together, longer than I had been alive. I never thought that he would ever reciprocate my feelings. I confessed to him with total acceptance of rejection but he was a fucking idiot for falling in love with me too."

"And I know that whatever we had will have a messy ending because Soul Society never took kindly with Shinigami-Human relationship. It isn't hard to put two and two together to fucking know that we entered into something still so forbidden. And here comes fucking Goat-chin, not even two months into our relationship, telling me about his own tragic experience with our mother. I KNOW! I know." She heaved, tears prickling down her cheeks, "But I love him so much. So much that I clung to what little time we could have. It went well for a couple more years. But then he came less and less. He doesn't think I figured it out but I know. Perhaps we were careless and were caught but he was the only one to be reprimanded. Or perhaps someone tipped them about us. I don't know exactly but I know he is endangering himself just to come back to me."

"So I had to decide for the both of us before it's too late, right? Right?" Karin pasted a tired smile, eyes closing briefly as if remembering something, "Because it's just too damn unfair, Yuzu. If I was born first instead of Ichi-nii, maybe my reiatsu would be higher comparably and I would end up in his position. Maybe I would be the one to save the world. Maybe I would be the one to be special enough to be welcomed in their realm. Maybe I would be the one inviting you to my wedding. But I wasn't! And it's unfair! Because it's his birthday today and I couldn't even greet him anymore. We were totally shut down. I won't even be able to pass our interactions anymore as merely friendship."

Karin slumped down her seat, quietly chuckling at the reminder, "It's his birthday today and I don't even get to be with him to celebrate it anymore."

Yuzu took a step forward before lightly running and tackling her twin, sobbing and apologizing. She has an inkling of how deep the scar runs but it runs deeper than what she originally fathomed.

Toushirou's birthday in the World of the Living passes by without any hot cup of chocolate or late-night talks on rooftop buildings. It just grazes Karin's mind and send it into spiraling and then the day is over.

oOo

The pills began after the wedding.

Seeing him after so many months had started her descent to near madness. Or rather, into a chaotic whirlwind of pain, emptiness, and desire to die. (Die. Die. Die. Just die already—her mind has been the worst company when she's by herself.)

They were both there in the small room. Yet, it still felt like they were worlds away. She's so close to touching him again, to encircling him in her arms and to bringing him back to where they were happier—back in their little apartment in Tokyo.

But every move they both made seemed to be controlled by the traditions of the World of the Dead—their fate hanging from cruel puppeteers in his side of the realm.

Her constant ache to run to him had almost made her. But she was grounded by the firm clasp of her twin's hand.

There he is and—(I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.) she couldn't even glance his way without feeling like they'll be taken down in a snap but help her god because (I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.) she's going insane with the fucking unfairness of everything. (I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.)

She couldn't find a false pretense of peace after the wedding. The shadow of what had become had followed her home. Sleep had eluded her—and if sleep took her away, it was plagued with nightmares that jolt her awake. It took her two weeks before she succumbed to sleeping pills.

The first time she used the sleeping pills, one was enough to quell her into slumber. But it didn't take much time before she got addicted to the numbness sleep brought her. Sleep has no consequences. At that state, she's both dead and alive. And she's not thinking anything.

As a Med student, she knew of the effect of overdosage of sleeping pills. That's why she sought let-outs as much as she could. She continued to visit their old home as frequently as she could. She walked around town to clear her head. She busied herself with academics. She had gone to bar, tried kissing someone else but just the thought brought bile to her throat. She had never kissed anyone but Toushirou before. And she thinks she couldn't do it with anyone. The man had ruined her for any man and she would let him—again and again.

When attempting to date someone else doesn't work, she began to pick up soccer again. She hadn't touched the ball since he left. Running on an empty ground, playing something familiar has brought a little semblance of yesterday, of comfort—she almost felt alive.

But then night comes again and she is plagued by her snarled misery.

(You know what I'm talking about, right, Karin?)

Of course. Of course. Of course. How could she not know? She knew. Quit reminding her. She knew.

(I love you too)

The demons are great at reminding her the sound of his voice when he would tell her he loves her too. The wrenching tone—the same fluctuation of affections—the manifestation of her illusions all spilled down the ground. All of them were for the taking of her demons.

(Have you told him already?)

She needs to sleep. She needs it badly. She thinks her head is going to explode from everything her mind is displaying in front of her eyes. Illusions. Just mere illusions, she told herself comfortingly.

(I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.)

Hands shaking, she searched her drawers for the bottle.

(Some love survives. Some don't. It just turned out that mine didn't.)

Perhaps, if she had been lucky enough like her brother, she wouldn't have been in this situation. Perhaps, if she had taken Urahara's proposition in training her to become a Shinigami, they wouldn't be in this mess. Perhaps, if she didn't hope for anything much, she wouldn't have gotten into her head that maybe they will let her be with Toushirou peacefully. Perhaps, if she was special enough, strong enough, she could have abandoned her life too and followed him to his side of the world.

(I'm sorry. I miss you. I'm sorry.)

If she was a Shinigami, or if she was dead, it wouldn't matter anymore, right? They would let her be with Toushirou now. They would. Right? Right?

(If I was born first… But I wasn't!)

She didn't need to be born first anymore. Being dead meant that they will not be forcefully separated anymore. She still wouldn't have to ask him to choose her. That way, he could keep his duties and then… and then…

(I'm sorry. I miss you. I miss you.)

Karin furrowed her brows. How many pills had she swallowed already? She lost count. She couldn't think straight anymore. She just… she just wanted…

(I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.)

Everything went black.

OoO

Footnotes: Next will be in Toushirou's perspective. 😊 Please drop a review for your thought. I miss Hitsukarin so much that I had written one. I just actually finished the series. College and adulting had rendered me detached from fandoms, tbh. And damn, Toushirou just got even hotter. But Karin's glow up was freaking high. She had grown so beautiful like we, fans, had always thought she would.