Something good

by TheStupidSheep

xx

I don't own Shingeki no Kyojin

Erwin died giving up his dream. Levi even asked him to, though he didn't have one himself. How did Levi dare? When the only thing he had was this deep, gnawing darkness on his chest that told him I'm your fuel. Keep killing them, keep avenging, keep losing yourself into nothing, since you're nothing, just a weapon. That was no dream, that was no life. Death -the darkness- kept him going, the only thing that he could do really, really good. That, and cleaning stuff.

But sometimes, when he was able to sleep, actually, peacefully sleep, he saw her there, floating on the vast, neverending river that Armin called sea.

There was no red scarf, no red anything. There was nothing that could remember him of this cruel, cruel world in which spreading innocent blood was as common as breathing.

Only her.

Yeah, sometimes, just sometimes... He wondered if she... if she was his dream. His something good. His sea.

Mikasa ended up being that, and even more.

Levi was sitting on the porch ladder of a house that had miraculously survived to mother nature, titans and rocks thrown by ape titans too. They didn't find bodies inside the house, so they all decided it was because its old owners survived and were somewhere inside the walls, still alive. There had been already too much loss on just one day to assume the people that had occupied that house was dead too. Unlike him, the rest of the team was sleeping, preparing themselves for the truth they hoped to find in the basement.

He felt her presence even before she actually approached him. Mikasa had hesitated, and it was a funny thing, she hesitating. She had come out of the shadows after a moment and with a subtle motion had put over him a blanket. Was that a white flag?

"What are you doing here?" he asked, not rejecting the blanket, but not welcoming it as well.

"I wanted to apologise for my behavior. I shouldn't have-"

Yep. It was a white flag.

"Don't. I saw what you wanted to do. There's nothing I wouldn't have done myself were I in your position."

She took a minute to sit, to hug herself against the chilly wind of the night. The moon was bright enough to illuminate Mikasa's gorgeous face.

"But you were."

"I wasn't, not really. I have been many times, but not this one."

"You saved Armin instead of-"

"What makes you think that? That he's alive, and Erwin gone? I saved Erwin. I chose what was best for him. It was also a relief to see that it was the best for you too. It's always better to fight for what is alive rather for someone that is long gone."

She went quiet, staring at the phantom city, the wall now sealed, the victory built over a mountain of corpses. Levi stared at her, sure as hell she was thinking the same as him: a victory shouldn't be called victory if there's only sadness in it. How selfish is it to think of bringing back the lost ones and forget about freedom? Once he lived without knowing what freedom was and even though he craved it, he was next to the ones he cared about, those that had actual faces and feelings and opinions and weren't just blurred ghosts he sacrificed himself for. Once he accepted he was selfish and he didn't feel guilty about it. Once he used his strenght for himself and wasn't as miserable as he was now.

Has he?

Or maybe he was trying to feel pity of himself, to excuse his shitty, meaningless life. Man, he really was a joke of a person.

But he could pretend he had a purpose. He could keep being the weapon. For those who weren't just blurred faces... He could still do it, even if he was fighting for hearts that had stopped beating long ago.

Let her have something good and alive to fight for, he had thought when she screamed out her desperation, her last attempt to save Armin.

Let her have some rest from all this loss and death for a damn second.

"Why, heichou?"

Her voice sounded gritty. Did she noticed it? Was him the only one worried about her voice?

"Why, what?"

"You always choose what's best for everybody, but you never actually choose for yourself."

How clever she was to notice such things.

He turned to look at her, her beautiful, peaceful face. Earlier that day, she was shattered in one thousand pieces, only being held together by Hange. I was the one that made her cry, his mind kept repeating. He wanted to stop, so he focused on her there, there, now. It was disturbing, how long her lashes were. They almost touched her eyelids. She was staring at him without even blinking, and Levi wondered when was the last time he had the opportunity to stare at her this way without feeling like a fucking creep. When was the last time he had an excuse to admire her?

"Not all I want are good things or the best things, Mikasa."

She looked thoughtful, but Levi saw the exact moment in which she shivered. He offered her a part of the blanket she gave him and she got closer, letting him hug her.

Mikasa smelled clean, her hair still a little bit wet, and she was cold. He didn't like it, she being cold.

"Tell me." She whispered, resting her head on his shoulder. "What is it, that you want?"

He didn't answer. He couldn't. But if he had the guts to, he would tell her: This. This is what I want, as long as it could be. You. You. You. You. You.

She got closer, her breath itching on his neck, and he realized being this closer had crossed some unspoken barrier between them. So he turned his head to stare at her face, and he thought his lips almost touched her soft skin.

Her eyes were bored on him, just inches apart, shining with contained tears. Why? His body woke and Mikasa was the ignition. Levi touched her forehead with his, still looking at her face.

"Don't cry." He murmured because he didn't know what else to say, he just sucked with words, but he dared to clean the tear that fell over her cheek with those blood covered fingers, even though he washed them many times that day already.

She's covered in blood too. She has done a lot of horrible things, just like you. Still, she's here, sitting next to you, and the only thing you can think about is how red her cheeks are and how near she's next to you and she's crying, and you don't know what the fuck you should do except for-

She closed her eyes when he touched her, letting out a trembling sigh.

"What is wrong with wanting something?" Her words were as quiet as the city, wrapped in silence and darkness. "Haven't we had enough horror? Haven't you gotten tired of seeing them all die without telling them how you feel?" She opened her eyes, moving her face even closer so their noses touched too. "I am."

This couldn't be. And yet it was.

Levi shook his head, but that was the only thing he felt strong enough to do. He couldn't get away from her now, from her warm breath, from her eyes, beautiful shadows that showed the same desperation as his. So he obeyed to her silent plead, and instead of moving away, he grabbed her cheek, caressing her with his thumb.

When they kissed, it was light, almost timid. This was an unknown place for them, an unknown feeling, but not necessarily bad.

It was magical, and it was a dream. One they didn't know they had in common.

Their lips kept dancing together, one caress at a time, one little lick each breath. When he trapped her lower lips between his, Mikasa let out a pleased sound and leaned a little bit more on him, letting him envelop her in his arms and melt in her being. When her wild heartbeats crossed her chest and fell over his, it was a salve Levi didn't know he had needed until now.

They moved some inches apart, staring at each other with their rushed breaths mixing. They gravitaded towards the other again, and Mikasa let him put his lips on her neck and kiss and bite and wet with his tongue, draw patterns of pure devotion. Her skin was a land that shouldn't have been touched by his worthless lips, but those lips were the ones that made her bury her nails on his back and the teeth scraping slightly her skin was the one that made her back arch. Before she could tell him to, Levi arms went over her legs. She searched his lips, her tongue touching his with dizzy eagerness, asking him for more. He was about to lift her and sit her on his lap, her fingers combing back his hair as she breathed his name desperately on his mouth and-

"Mikasa?"

Armin.

Mikasa jumped. Levi put her on the ladder, wrapping her on the blanket with surprisingly steady fingers, and walked some steps away, crossing his arms as if to quiet his own heart.

He heard her voice between her sharp breaths behind him. "Y-yeah?"

"Are you okay? I woke up and couldn't find you"

"Yeah, I... I was..."

Levi turned to see Armin, standing on the porch with a candle on his head and a blanket around him. He looked as tired as he indeed was.

"She was just about to go back to sleep." Said Levi, nodding to him. "You should go rest too."

"Ye-yes, heichou!"

Armin obeyed, not before looking at them one last time.

Levi ans Mikasa, alone again, didn't speak. The air felt thin, almost like it could break in sharp edges if one of them spoke.

"I should go." She said first.

Levi didn't speak when she stood up, nor when she gave him again the white flag -the blanket- nor when she turned back.

"Mikasa."

She stopped walking.

He couldn't. He couldn't keep lying to himself.

He couldn't keep himself from his dream, just mere meters away from him.

He had given up so many lives, yet he couldn't gave up his yearning for this woman.

Levi could be selfish. Once, just once. He could drink all of her and not think of tomorrow. Fight for a heart still beating.

His something good. His sea.

"Stay a little longer."

La que tals.